Dancing With Crazy

Happy Holidays Internetland

2011-12-22T10:00:00.000-07:00

As this incredibly intense and busy year ends, I am taking a much needed break from blogging and writing. Loving the down time! Hoping you are all filled with peace and joy this season.

I leave you with two of my favorite posts from Christmas's Past...

Best Christmas Letter I Have Ever Received [2008]

This Christmas letter, hands down, wins the prize. I received it from a friend and read it over and over and over. I only wish I had written it!

SEASON'S GREETINGS!!!

It's been another wonderful year for the Jones Family! Mike continues to study hard and is getting a lot of recognition including, this last month, publishing a chapter in a book and being invited for interviews at Yale and University of Maryland. He somehow still has time to exercise and stay in great shape and to be a wonderful dad, taking the kids swimming every week. Last weekend he watched the kids for two days so I could go Christmas Shopping with my best friend.

Hannah loves school and ballet and excels in both! She comes home and teaches Paige everything, so Paige is becoming a great reader and an amazing mathematician! They are inseparable and we constantly get comments about what a pair they are. They also take good care of their brother. Cody is a good natured little boy who lights up the room every time he walks in with his huge beaming smile.

I am excited to be expecting number FOUR! People have a hard time believing I am pregnant and are shocked to learn it is number four. They are always saying that I look more like a pregnant teenager than a mother of four. I don't know if that's a compliment or not!!! The kids keep me busy, but I keep myself sane with audio books. I am always listening to something and finish about two books a month. It has been so educational and enjoyable to read wonderful books like Moby Dick, The Portrait of a Lady, and The Brothers Karamazov.

We hope this letter makes you all feel as jealous and insecure as it makes us feel smug. OK, WHO AM I KIDDING? Here's the truth...

Mike is leading us into our eighth consecutive year of abject poverty. At this point, he is just jumping through whatever hoops his liberal professors want him to so we can get on with it. We are waiting to get rejected by the two schools who actually condescended to "interview" him for indentured servitude, I mean internship.

As for our kids, whom the government has officially labeled "at risk," Hannah comes home from school a moody witch every day. She has Paige in tears within two minutes most days. She is always tired and I have to rip her out of bed every morning and force her to school. Paige cut her hair last night. It looks horrifying. That is after cutting her clothes and Hannah's stocking the previous weeks. She has been spanked so many times her bum is leather. We will have to try some psychotropic drugs. Cody... Who's Cody? Oh yeah--that creature who's always armpit-deep in the toilet. Well, all I can say about him is he's lucky we never vacuum or he'd starve to death.

I had to drag my sorry rear into the Medicaid office and tell them I am pregnant again. Four kids in grad school--my worst nightmare. I am a burden to my family. I have barfed over two hundred times since October and now I am just waiting for a blood clot to form in my varicose veins and travel to my heart and kill me. I don't like to move, so I just yell at my kids from my worn spot on the couch. No wonder Mike never comes home.

Better luck next year.
The Jones Family

Emily Vision [2007]

My mother was here last week. During which visit she sat my kids down to discuss their annual donation to Heifer International – Heifer International being probably the only charity that does quite a lot of good while, at the same time, providing me with bounteous entertainment. I mean how can I, probably the easiest person on the planet to amuse, not be delighted in anything that encourages someone to give a water buffalo as a Christmas gift?

Heifer International is an organization where people can actually purchase livestock that is given to, and dramatically increases the quality of life for, families in third world countries. For example, one can give the gift of a heifer (milk to drink and sell) for $500.00; a goat for $120.00; a hive of bees for $30.00 per hive; a llama for $150.00 (hauling at high altitudes and highly prized wool); or a water buffalo for $250.00 (planting a 1 acre field in 2 days instead of the 2 weeks it takes by hand.)

“I support Heifer International because they are sending the sort of message abroad that I can whole heartedly support. I share their vision of a world without hunger. It is a bold, brilliant vision and it is attainable in our lifetime.” Susan Sarandon

As I was lying face down in my carpet, wallowing in abject overwhelm, I listened to my mom and kids discuss which animal to purchase and I found myself desperately wishing that I, too, could be an official charity. When I was growing up we adopted little Marilza through World Vision and sent her money and letters every month. And later, when I lived in LA, a boyfriend convinced me to adopt a World Vision child with him – which we did until we broke up and he didn’t pay child support. Why couldn’t that be me and my children on a brochure? Why couldn’t people sit around their tables discussing which of many gifts they will be sending our way this holiday season? (Except the donations should probably not consist of livestock because, let’s face it, a hive of bees and a water buffalo would just make my life infinitely harder than it already is.)

Seriously, why can’t I be an official charity? No damn reason I can think of. And so, ladies and gentlemen (drum roll…) I am pleased to announce the establishment of a new charity that will do more good than anyone can imagine…

Emily Vision! (cue: Trumpets)

Emily Vision is an organization whose time has most certainly come. Emily Vision gives the world at large an opportunity that they have been secretly hoping and praying for – a chance to give Emily a leg up and a helping hand. A chance to contribute to Emily’s self sustainability so that she may more effectively work towards creating a world filled with humor and inspiration for all.

Yes, you can be a founding member of Emily Vision merely by donating one of the following:

• $1.00 – one Dove chocolate bar to keep Emily company on a cold winter’s night while she watches the dream of finally getting out of Utah slip further and further away.
• $5.00 – one large pepperoni pizza for Emily’s children to eat while she is huddled in the corner with her chocolate bar.
• $10.00 – ten tickets to the dollar movie. No popcorn. No drink. Just Emily and a taser for every loud person daring to sit anywhere remotely near her.
• $15.00 – frame for photo of Emily and the water buffalo her mother is giving her for Christmas.
• $19.99 – a bottle of wine to really assist Emily in coping with staying in Utah.
• $29.99 – an Office Max toner cartridge so Emily can finally get her own printer up and running again and not have to trudge through the snow, uphill both ways, to employed relatives who actually have ink in their printers.
• $30.00 – subscription to dating service so she can have something besides a chocolate bar to keep her company on cold winter’s nights. (She will also settle for a $4.99 contribution towards a pack of AA batteries.)
• $34.99 – paper so that Emily can actually print out manuscripts, and suicide notes, once she gets ink in her freaking printer.
• $41.00 – stamps for mailings and self-addressed envelopes to make rejection just that much easier for agents and publishers.
• $45.00 – a tank of gas so Emily can continue to drive to auditions, job interviews and be MommyTaxi OR to keep car running while Emily attempts to run over herself after realizing she actually joined a dating service. In Utah.
• $50.00 – portion of electric bill OR a year’s supply of candles once electric service has been discontinued.
• $100.00 - therapy after Emily drinks a bottle of wine and is trampled by her new water buffalo while tasering it for eating her chocolate bar.

Bronze Members (up to $50.00) will have their names put in a velvet envelope that will be placed under Emily's pillow and will be invited to join her in her dreams for 2 weeks.
Silver Members ($50.00 - $100.00) will have their names written in a Magic Marker on Emily's bare tummy.
Gold Members (ridiculously large, anonymous donations) will have the pseudonym of their choice written in a Sharpie pen on Emily's bare tummy AND written on a piece of paper that will be worn in her bra for one month.

“I support Emily Vision because she is sending the sort of message abroad that I can whole heartedly support. I share the vision of an Emily without temp work and paralyzing stress – the vision of Emily being the successful woman she is destined to be instead of a mere bump on a blog. It is a bold, brilliant vision and it is attainable in her lifetime.” David Hasselhoff

Brochures are going to press Monday.

Wonderful Secret Santa

2011-12-22T09:12:00.000-07:00

Visit msnbc.com for breaking news, world news, and news about the economy

Friday Video: Shopping Prank

2011-12-09T11:14:00.000-07:00

This made me so ridiculously happy... I want these guys to be my next door neighbors / partners in crime and hilarity.

No Ordinary Christmas Gift

2011-12-07T14:06:00.003-07:00

I love that Ordinary Mary is still out there making a difference in schools and the lives of kids. It's so funny to have acting students (I still privately teach/coach teenagers once in a while) that find out I wrote that book and tell me that it was their favorite book when they were little. (Yep, feeling older all the time.) Granted, they may just be sucking up but it's still cool that they even know it.

A great Christmas gift for anyone interested. For an autographed copy, with a personal note to the extraordinary child of your choice - encouraging them to be their wonderful, extraordinary self - order through PayPal. Just click the "Add to Cart" button below and leave the name of the child and any other specific instructions in the notes.

Do Not Pass Go, Do Not Collect $200.00

2011-12-06T12:06:00.002-07:00

So, unless you live under a rock – which I occasionally do – you have heard all about the alleged Penn State / Jerry Sandusky child molestations. People have been blogging, tweeting, and ranting on Facebook about it. Did he do it? How could he have gotten away with it? Should Joe Paterno have been fired? Did those that knew what was going on do enough to stop it? (Clearly they didn’t or it wouldn’t have gone on as long as it did – involving as many kids as it did.)

I’m kind of waiting for more evidence to come in and for conflicting stories to get ironed out. People do get wrongly accused of things all the time but his pleas of innocence aren’t really that convincing. I don’t know, I wasn’t there, but, as a survivor myself, I will almost always listen to, and believe, the victim of perpetration not the one who did the perpetrating.

Obviously, I am going to have very strong feelings about the sexual abuse of children. It happens, it’s unthinkably despicable and those that do it deserve serious punishments and need serious help.

At this point in the discussion surrounding the Penn State molestations, here is what most disturbs me: People are actually arguing over whether or not the reporting of abuse should be mandatory – whether it should be a legal or just a moral obligation. How can it not be looked at as both?

Morally, it says a lot about both an individual and a society that could witness the abuse of a child and then turn around and question, wonder, hem and haw, hesitate, debate or walk away from immediately stopping the abuse and reporting it to the proper authorities. And by proper authorities, I do not mean a bishop or pastor or school administrator with little to no training. I mean THE POLICE. Sexual abuse is a crime. Rape is a crime. Too often crimes are reported to the wrong parties who don’t believe, downplay and cover up to keep whatever secrets, peace and status quo they feel needs keeping. Every time a victim of abuse is not believed, not listened to and not given the help they so desperately need, they are victimized all over again by the person turning a blind eye and a deaf ear.

We do not exist on an island. We are all affected by what happens to our fellow human beings. When a child is abused, and doesn’t get the help in healing from that abuse, the consequences are dire for our society. Why do you think that there are murders, rapes, crimes, bombings…? Do you think those atrocities happen because the perpetrators were protected and cared for and had childhoods filled with love and warmth and nurturing and hope? No. There are exceptions to that rule. There are those that are born with imbalances and disorders that lie far beyond the help and control of their parents, who act out in horrible ways despite never having been abused. This post isn’t about what causes people to do horrible things.

My point is this – the sexual abuse of children is a crime and it should be both our moral and legal obligation to stop it the moment we are aware of it and report it to the police.

In the name of Kick Ass Heroes everywhere,
Amen

In Time For Christmas

2011-12-06T09:47:00.000-07:00

Amazon has been having a hard time keeping Dancing With Crazy in stock. (Not terribly bad news for me.) As of today, they have 3 more in stock. Just a reminder that Dancing With Crazy is always available through it's OFFICIAL WEBSITE.

Several have asked me if they can get personally signed copies for friends and family for Christmas. The answer to that would be: Absolutely-Yes-Siree-Bob. Just go to the website, click on the PayPal button and leave a note with your order who you would like the book(s) signed to.

[For an extra dollar, I'll sign it from anyone you like - Mark Twain, Tinker Bell, Marilyn Monroe, Joan of Arc, Kim Kardashian, Hitler... How impressive would THAT be?)

Praising The Bridge

2011-12-02T09:25:00.000-07:00

"Praise the bridge that carried you over." George Colman

So, last week was Thanksgiving - a day when many of us sat around a table with loved ones and expressed aloud things we are most grateful for. Family, friends, health, wealth, survival, love, abundance... All of the things that bring us joy and fill us with gratitude.

Gratitude is such an incredibly powerful feeling. It broadens our horizons and puts things in perspective. We read books about it and fill journals with it - trusting in its power to transform the way we see ourselves and the lives we're living. Countless studies have shown that gratitude boosts our immune systems, lowers blood pressure, increases compassion, helps us feel more energized and alive... The list goes on and on.

But what if, along with all the things that bring us happiness, we could also be grateful for the things that bring, or have brought us, us unhappiness?

Having come out the other side of my own Carnival of Ridiculous Torment alive and in one piece I have learned to be abundantly grateful for the refinement and expansion that Pain has brought me. It is from the things that I thought would kill me that I have learned the most. It is precisely because I have been gutted so many times that I have the capacity and room to feel the boundless joy and love that I now feel. What I have been through has made me who I am - the events that have brought unbearable pain have shaped me and formed me and given me the ability to dance with the stars in a way I never would have been able to had my life just been an easy going trip down sunshine lane.

Not only is this possible to see and feel in hindsight, but as we are going through something difficult as well. It is an incredible thing to be able to recognize the lessons and purpose and expansion that painful events bring while we're experiencing them. It helps us endure them with far less resistance and assists us in getting to the other side far quicker than when we close our eyes, hold our breath and curl up in a ball to curse the heavens until the storm passes.

Bridges carry us from here to there. Sometimes they are a joy to cross, sometimes they are terrifying and difficult. But they always lead us from where we are to where we are going. And, for that, I will always be deeply grateful.

Friday Video: Lab Research Dogs See The Grass And Sun For The First Time

2011-12-02T09:20:00.000-07:00

These beagles lived their entire lives inside a research laboratory, knowing nothing except the confines of metal cages. They had known no soft human touch, no warm bed, no companionship, no love. They had never been outside or sniffed a tree or grass. Finally, after years of being poked and prodded, these beagles are free.

I want them all.

Surrender Dorothy

2011-11-21T11:29:00.003-07:00

(Image courtesy of: HeartMath )

As much as risking and jumping off faith cliffs may be scary - the thought of not growing, changing, exploring, having wild life adventures and finding real joy and real passion in all areas of my life is far more terrifying. Security is an illusion anyway. Personally, I feel much safer surrendering to the unknown. Things always work out - this I know. I also know that things always end up better, even if ridiculously different, than I first imagined. And, best of all, I know that when I let go and fall - I am caught. Every time.

Trusting Life. What a concept, huh?

New Dancing With Crazy Website

2011-11-17T20:36:00.002-07:00

DANCING WITH CRAZY OFFICIAL WEBSITE

Check it out.

LOVED

2011-11-15T14:34:00.003-07:00

YOU ARE LOVED.

Millions of people scattered across this planet, and floating around out there in Internetland, will go through the whole day, week, month, year… not being told that they are loved. But, you are not one of them. I’m telling you.

YOU ARE LOVED.

And it’s not because it’s my opinion, or religious responsibility, civic duty, a dare I was given or a woo-woo dream I had.

YOU ARE LOVED.

You are loved because you have worth that has nothing to do with the size of your car, house or bank account and you are loved because you have beauty that radiates far beyond the size of your butt or your gut. You are loved because you breathe. You are loved because you get up every morning – or not. You are loved because you exist.

You don’t have to earn it or fight for it or even believe it. It’s just a fact, plain and simple, you are loved. And it’s not because you obey and please and stay silent, or because you stick to the program or don’t ruffle feathers. It’s not because you think you so cleverly hide who you really are or because you bend over backwards in the ever-exhausting pursuit of perfection. You are loved because you are flawed and imperfect. You are loved no matter how many times you fall down and screw up. You are loved because you are human. You are loved simply because you are.

You are loved when you’re happy and courageous and generous and you are loved when you’re sad, scared and selfish. You are loved when you lift others up and when you let them down – when you make the world better and when you make it worse. You are loved when you’re an angel and you are loved when you’re an asshole. You are loved both despite and because of your issues, addictions, flaws and defects – whether real or imagined. And you are loved because those things that are real and those things that are imagined are one and the same. You are loved when you’re lost and you are loved when you’re found.

No matter what you have been told by yourself, your parents, children, family, friends, lovers, teachers, clergy, politicians and pool boys – you are loved. No matter what you think, feel and believe, no matter how you show up and how you behave and despite all evidence to the contrary, you are loved.

You are loved even when you are your own worst enemy, your greatest saboteur, your meanest bully and your darkest demon. You are loved because, underneath all that rubble and behind the greatest of illusions, you are your own best friend, greatest love, most loyal companion and fiercest protector. You are loved because you are the Teacher you’ve been seeking and the Hero you have been waiting for. You are loved because you are the Savior you’ve been in need of and the Gift you have wished for.

So, eat it up, drink it down, take it in, swallow it whole, absorb it, bathe in it, breathe it, sing it, dance it, celebrate it, get drunk with it, light the sky with it, wrap yourself in it, curl up with it, sleep it, laugh it, believe it and live it.

YOU ARE LOVED.

Friday Video One Day Early: The Music in You

2011-11-10T07:40:00.002-07:00

For those of you that have read, are reading, or will be reading "Dancing With Crazy" - this is the song I sang to Roger on his birthday. Enjoy...

KINDLE Version Now Available

2011-11-08T08:53:00.002-07:00

Check it out on Amazon...

Needing A Serious Facebook Lift

2011-11-07T12:34:00.002-07:00

[Shebang Re-post]

Okay, so last Monday night I had to go to traffic school. Yep. It was awesome. I was about to enter the room that was already filled with my fellow violators when my cell phone rang. I explained to my friend that I was walking into traffic school and that I’d have to call her back in a couple of hours. Now, my friend has smoked since we were in high school so, before I could say, “Seven miles over the speed limit,” she burst into the loudest, most incredible hacking grandpa-guffaw I have ever heard. It rocked the entire building so there was no way that every human in that echo-chamber of a room didn’t hear it.

After we hung up, I walked into the room and they all looked at me. I knew they heard the call and the laugh, they knew they heard the call and the laugh – and it was freaking hilarious. So, I decided to just be myself and engage my fellow humans. I waved and said, “Hi Guys! Anybody else get that awesome of a reaction about being here?” Oh my God, you should have seen the look of horror on most of their faces. A couple of women gave me half smiles before returning their gaze to the purses clutched tightly on their laps. The men looked as though I had offered them a lap dance in front of their wives. Rather than pursue that thread of humor and tell them not to knock something before they’ve tried it, I decided to sit down, shut up and read Bossypants. At least Tiny Fey would engage me in witty banter.

Seriously, we were all there - on the same planet, in the same country, in the same state, in the same city, in the same building, in the same room, in the same seats, for the same ridiculous reason – yet we sat there in utter silence for a good ten minutes without interacting with one another even once. Oh, how I wished someone would have farted.

Rewind to the previous week. My birthday. I did something unheard of and took the day off of work and my computer. I came back that night to over 500 email notifications of Facebook birthday greetings. It was cool, it was overwhelming, and it was time consuming – though deeply appreciated nonetheless. But, here’s the thing. Literally hundreds of those greetings were from people I don’t even know – they were fans of this, followers of that – yet they were sending me very intimate birthday wishes filled with Sweethearts and Loves. Men I have never met in my life leaving messages like, “Happy Birthday Love” and “Happy Birthday Beautiful, when can we get together?” – as though we are lovers or actual friends.

I have had friends ask me what I think of a certain person, or where I met a certain person, who insists that they are a friend of mine – people I’ve never met in my entire life. Turns out these people sent me a friend request on Facebook and, because I am on there to market the hell out of all the things I’m on there to market the hell out of, I accepted. Suddenly they are my friend for real. So totally weird. And so totally not true.

The Internet and social media are great tools for so many things but they really have replaced the need for developing so many skills required to be a normal social human being. Men that live in their parents basements and have never been out with a real live woman are suddenly dating machines because they send weird emails hitting on three dozen women a night. Honey, that ain’t dating, it’s stalking. And it’s creepy.

A quickly typed OMG or LOL and we think we’ve really connected with someone. I guarantee that if that room filled with my fellow Traffic School victims had housed computers there would have been witty banter, interesting conversations or, at the very least, we would have known one another's names.

We walk through this life that we are all experiencing together not making eye contact, not interacting in the slightest and doing everything we possibly can to avoid being touched or affected by one another in the least – then we get on line and drop our boundaries and our pants to strange faces on a screen. I just find it all very weird. And sad.

So, the next time you have the chance to smile, say hello, interact, or share a moment with a real live human please do so. You just might end up feeling a little more alive and real. You might make a friend that actually knows who you are or could honestly make your world a better place to be in – if only for a few minutes. Or at the very least, you might end up having a whole lot of fun being touched by someone other than yourself.

LOL.

Friday Video II: Stayin Alive In The Wall Mash Up

2011-11-04T14:31:00.002-06:00

I was just sent this video - which I think is really quite brilliant. Man, I LOVE creative people.

Friday Video: Stayin Alive

2011-11-04T08:01:00.003-06:00

Most definitely today's theme song.

I love all the swagger that Barry has and sweet Robin just trying to keep up. When I was in third grade, my friend and I played house everyday after school and her husband was always Barry Gibb. My one and only nine-year-old true love? Little brother Andy. Now, however, re-thinking the Barry...

Can we please give a shout out everything going on with his pants???

Now Available

2011-11-01T14:17:00.005-06:00

At long last, Dancing With Crazy is officially available for purchase on it's New Website. The Kindle edition will be available on Amazon within a day or two and I am currently recording the audio book which will, also, be available soon. Books that were pre-ordered are being shipped through the end of this week and you will receive them soon.

It's so surreal. I have been working on, and through, this monumental project for so many years - preparing my guts to be public property, and it's finally time. It's finally ready or, more accurately, I am finally ready. Ready to be bulls-eye, cautionary tale and entertainer - excited that we can now have the types of conversations I have been dying to have with you. So, Internetland... let the shit hit the fan and the party begin!

Prettier Personal Private Area: a.k.a. The Christmas Miracle That Is Anal Bleaching

2011-11-01T14:17:00.000-06:00

[Shebang Re-post]

Okay, I am usually NOT the last one on the Up To Date Train (and, no I had not seen “Bridesmaids” yet) so when I had a glass of wine last week with girlfriends and the conversation turned to anal sex (as most lovely, backyard, summer evening, heart to hearts do) and the subject of anal bleaching came up, I thought I had died and gone straight to comedy heaven.

Seriously??? We’re bleaching our buttholes now???

I raced home and immediately looked it up. Bleach Bum.com (clever title – I’ll give ‘em that) “Anal bleaching is one more way Hollywood celebrities try to stay younger. While rectal bleaching isn't for everyone, some people are interested in maintaining a youthful look...everywhere.” Hollywood celebrities are bleaching their assholes in an attempt to stay younger and get those prime, highly competitive, starring roles? I am sooooo calling bullshit on that one. I cannot imagine Jennifer Aniston and Sandra Bullock turning their “chocolate spiders” into vanilla crème puffs in an attempt to keep younger actresses like Amanda Seyfried from stealing their jobs.

I’m sorry, the only “celebrities” where this would have anything whatsoever to do with casting would be those of the porn variety. Case in point: Tabitha Stevens, the porn star in the video below, has had 6 boob jobs, 3 nose jobs, an under the nose implant, cheek implants, Botox & Collagen injections and has had fat transferred from her legs to her face. SHE has her butthole bleached. What does that tell you??? Porn stars are the ONLY people whose buttholes are on public display in broad daylight.

For the rest of us civilians who occasionally, while playing the game of sex, enjoy landing on Anal Play Island does it really matter? We know poop’s occasionally involved. We read the book. Everyone Poops. Yeah, we’re up to speed - we know where poop comes from and what freaking color it is. Now, on top of everything else, we’re supposed to obsess over “anal staining?” Good Lord.

I’m with Chelsea Handler. If a guy shows up at my door with anal beads and a flashlight, I’m like, what’s with the flashlight? Honestly, no one is looking that closely.

Bum bleaching is even being marketed to Bachelorette parties. Come on. Really? “Oooooo Debbie, let me see yours… Damn Karen, your rectum looks amazing! Not fair, Shelly’s is WAY cuter than mine...”

I laughed about it all week. But then I re-watched this video...

The statement “You don’t get a second chance to make a first impression” really hit me. What if the color and appearance of my rectum really does matter? What if, at first meeting, people really can tell that, not only do I still listen to Air Supply on 8-track tapes, but my back gate has NOT been painted white? What if I am the only one of my friends – nay, the only woman my future boyfriend has ever slept with, that still has a normal, human butthole? I will be undone!

If it’s that important then, dammit, I’m doing it too. But, Honey, I ain’t stopping at bleaching. I AM going to bleach it, tattoo it, affix it with jewels and stick a bouquet of flowers and a small Mylar balloon in it. Top that.

Who’s looking young now, Bitch?

Happy Satan Day, Internetland!!!

2011-10-31T08:07:00.001-06:00

It doesn't get much better than this...

And, on a much more embarrassing for Tim Curry note...

Has anyone seen my tambourine???

Friday Video: The "Other"

2011-10-28T09:50:00.002-06:00

“Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing, there is a field. I will meet you there.”

Definitely worth the watch...

Two Turtle Doves... And A Drunk Elk In A Swedish Tree

2011-10-26T12:05:00.000-06:00

How totally awesome is this? Drunk Swedish Elk Found In Apple Tree. That exact thing happens to me every fall. Thank God there haven't been cameras around.

Speaking of drunk, moose-like creatures, we haven't mocked one of our Stoopid States lately...

Stoopid State Laws: Idaho & Illinois

2011-10-26T11:54:00.002-06:00

Okay, so in Idaho...

It is illegal for a man to give his sweetheart a box of candy weighing less than fifty pounds: [Insert: “This answers so many of my questions about Idaho women” joke here.]

You may not fish on a camel’s back: Party poopers. And, seriously, how many camels are there in the state of Idaho?

Riding a merry-go-round on Sundays is considered a crime: I’m thinking, since Idaho is Utah’s little sister, that engaging in any sort of merriment producing activity on Sunday is a crime.

Residents may not fish from a giraffe’s back: Aww, come on! How awesome would that be? What’s with the camels and giraffes in Idaho? I’d like to see one dude that keeps either of these animals in his carport instead of a fishing boat.

If a police officer approaches a vehicle and suspects that the occupants are engaging in sex, he must either honk, or flash his lights and wait for three minutes before approaching the car: I would appreciate that. It scares the crap out of me when they just sneak up and blow their air horns.

The carrying of concealed weapons is forbidden, unless exhibited to public view: Umm… doesn’t that kind of make them no longer concealed?

A person may not be seen in public without a smile on their face: Unless it’s on Sunday.

In Illinois...

You must contact the police before entering the city in an automobile: But I’m okay to zip in on my hovercraft without warning? Sweet.

The English language is not to be spoken: Oh, mon Dieu. C'est hilarant.

One may not pee in his neighbor’s mouth: Well, yeah. That’s just bad form. Dying to hear the back story on this one.

Law forbids eating in a place that is on fire: Bah-hahahahha. Duh.

It is illegal to give a dog whiskey: But it sure is hilarious.

It is forbidden to fish while sitting on a giraffe’s neck: I think these laws should be reversed. People should only be able to fish from the backs of zoo animals. (But, stay off their necks big, fat humans – that can’t feel good.)

Kites may not be flown within the city limits: Mary Poppins needs to pop a spoonful of sugar up their grumpy asses.

In the Pullman area, it is illegal to drink beer out of a bucket while sitting on the curb: I love this one. You know it was totally started by that one slobby, drunk neighbor that drank nasty homemade beer out of an old, mustard colored bucket while shouting obscenities in his underwear at Victorian church goers.

It is legal to protest naked in front of city hall as long as you are under seventeen years of age and have legal permits: Congratulations, Chicago, on legally and publicly sexualizing children. You totally win the Uncle Pervy Award.

Humming on public streets is prohibited on Sundays: One of these sabbath days, I’m going to gather a list of all the “Thou Shalt Not Do This On Sunday” activities and do them all. On Temple Square.

It is considered an offense to attempt to have sex with one’s dog: You know, I would have to say that I consider that an offense as well. (Put away the peanut butter, Valerie.)

Still waiting for one that's better than the Live Moose Plane Pushing. I honestly don't think anything will top that. Unless there is a law somewhere against pushing David Hasselhoff out of a plane. That might make me laugh as hard.

Seeing Myself Through The Eyes Of Chaz Bono

2011-10-24T08:37:00.002-06:00

[Shebang Re-Post]

So, I’ve never watched Dancing With the Stars until, big surprise, this week. When I heard that Chaz Bono was competing as the first transgendered contestant I was totally excited. Then when I heard about all the hateful and mean shit-balls that were being thrown at him and the show because of it I, again, big surprise, decided to watch and support the show – especially him.

I remember when he was Chastity. As a little girl, along with Donny & Marie, Sonny & Cher was my absolute end all favorite TV show. She was a cute little blond girl and I was jealous that she got to be on TV with her parents. Years later, I remember when she came out as a lesbian and I thought how ironic it was that her name was Chastity. Then, even more years later, I heard that She was now a He. Okay, cool. (Obviously, it takes a lot more than that to rock my world.) I never really gave him a second thought again – until the other night.

He did really well and was very likable – making charmingly self deprecating jokes about his belly and expressing frustration about having an older body with limitations – which I am just beginning to relate to. I found myself actually thinking he was cute with an amazingly infectious smile. I marveled at how we have evolved medically to where a woman can actually become a man and vise versa. And, I found that every time I focused on the transgendered aspect of Chaz – I kept hearing two words…

Know thyself.

I found myself more and more overwhelmed with awe and respect for a human being who knew himself so intimately that he was able to say: “I am not living true to who I know I am… Contrary to all outward appearances, I am not a woman, I am a man… No matter how many people stand on the outside of my skin and demand that I am one thing - I know that I am another.” And then he actually did something incredibly radical about it.

How many of us are able to do the same?

How many of us are brave enough to really know ourselves that intimately? How many of us are willing to face the rejection of not just family and friends but an entire society in order to live purely and authentically in the light of who we really are? How many of us can, not only withstand the loud viciousness of small and ignorant people, but actually get up on stage, without apology and say, “Bring it on!” so that others can find the courage to do the same, to actually know themselves and to be set free as well?

Are we able to do the same? Are you? If the answer is no then I have only one question...

What the hell are you waiting for?

Friday Video: Tabloid Trailer

2011-10-21T09:22:00.002-06:00

She's baaaaaaack!

Ask me how much I am dying to see this???

Turned On

2011-10-20T10:40:00.000-06:00

"How can I describe to you, a man, what it feels like to be a woman? Think of a light switch with a rheostat control. As you turn it on, the bulb begins to get bright, then brighter, and brighter and finally in a blinding flash is fully lit. It is so good." Marilyn Monroe

Being A Real Woman

2011-10-18T09:35:00.003-06:00

[Shebang Re-Post]

Okay, so a few posts back we had a discussion about what makes a woman “real.” Around the same time, I saw an episode of Glee where a big deal was made out of a girl wanting a nose job – with all the anti-cosmetic surgery reasons that are usually thrown out there. “Don’t do it, because it’s…”: being fake; caving to societal pressure to fit an “ideal”; homogenizing oneself to look like everyone else; lame; blah, blah, blah…

Right off the bat, I would like to say that I am totally against a teenager getting plastic surgery. It should never be an option for someone who is still baking in the oven of life. But, for us adults that have long since left the cooling rack? Well, big surprise, I gotta few things to say…

I have had a boob job. I have also had a nose job. I also have capped teeth.

Teeth: I was pushed off my bike as a child and my face smashed into the pavement – breaking my front teeth. Having them re-built was a no-brainer. I don’t think anyone would blame me for not wanting to go through life like a hillbilly with missing and shattered teeth.

This does not make me a fake woman.

Nose: This explanation is twofold. 1) My family has larger noses. Mine was always a bit bigger then I would have liked – but no big deal. Whatever. Then I got pregnant. I looked like a giant, head to toe, swollen bee-sting. My nose was replaced by Karl Malden’s (I’m not kidding) and I was oh-so-sad. Then I gave birth, body started repairing itself, swelling went down…except in my nose. And I was even oh-so-sadder. It changed my face. I didn’t look like me. I didn’t like it. I really, really, really wanted a nose job but, honestly, would most likely not have ever gotten one except that… 2) I had to get a Turbinectomy (yes, it’s real – you can look it up). In order to help me breathe and speak and sing like a normal person they had to gut my nasal passages several inches into my face, remove my turbinates and reset all the bones. So, I figured – hell, if you're going to put me through all that major face trauma anyway, then, by all means, take that fucking bulb off the end of my nose while you're at it.

This does not make me a fake woman.

The boobs: I was a flat chested Skinny Minnie growing up – thinner than all the girls in every ballet class I ever took. I felt like a boy. I was teased by everyone from my little brothers; to other girls in dance that were starving themselves to be as thin as I naturally was; to boys in school making “bra fitting backwards” jokes out loud in class; to a cruel prank during a “Dating Game” Homecoming activity that resulted in my entire high school pointing and laughing at my small boobs. I spent my formative years with my gay dad on Castro Street in San Francisco, hearing ad nauseam the Drag Queen Drawl, “Oh Honey, we have GOT to get you some tits!” I grew up around gay men and decided that I was worth less, if anything at all, because I was female. Then I was glad I felt like a boy. Then I married my very own gay man and that brought a whole new level of self loathing. It was awesome. To say that I always wanted a boob job was a gross understatement. But, far more than that, I always wanted to love myself. For real.

I scheduled a boob job the same time I had my nose surgery but cancelled it because I knew it wasn’t time. I HAD to know what it felt like to be loved just the way I was first - by a man and by myself. So I forced myself through the most painfully uncomfortable vulnerable intimacy with boyfriends until I emerged on the other side of all the bullshit and really knew love – from a man, yes, but, even better, from myself. Years of therapy for all the other shit that went down in my life, and my own searching and healing and determination to be happy-well-whole, plopped me smack dab in the middle of a full blown love affair with myself. And it was – IS – glorious.

The day finally came when it was only about wanting pretty boobies. Again, I had given birth to children and, low and behold, I got giant milk-jugging breasts. Then I stopped breast feeding and was left with two empty socks stapled on a board. Total crap. So, I got a boob job. I didn’t know if I would regret it, but I knew if I didn’t do it I would regret it for the rest of my life. I have never once regretted rebuilding my boobs. They are pretty and sexy and fun and I love them.

This does not make me a fake woman.

All of this, and so much more, makes me a very real woman. I think, I feel, I laugh, I cry, I desire, I dream, I make mistakes, I eat, I run, I love, I hate, I work, I care, I struggle, I succeed, I wimp out, I kick ass… I am about as real as they come. No amount of cosmetic tweaking will change that.

I absolutely do not understand what the big deal is and why we point such nasty fingers at one another. We humans get to choose how we want to look. We color our hair, we wear makeup, we tan, we shave, we paint nails, we build muscles, we pierce, we get tattoos… It’s called self expression. If you don’t want to express the way another person does, then don’t. If you don’t want to get a boob job (or be with a woman that has had one) then don’t. But don’t step up onto your pedestal and say it’s because you are a “Real Woman” – because that’s bullshit and it says far more about you than the women you are calling “fake.”

Dancing With Crazy PRE-ORDERS

2011-10-17T10:13:00.001-06:00

Okay, so it is with endless screaming Happygasms that I am here to announce the availability of PRE-ORDERS for Dancing With Crazy. Response to the upcoming release of this book has been overwhelming. Pre-order here to guarantee that a copy is in the mail to you the first week in November.

Friday Video: Porcelain Unicorn

2011-10-14T09:45:00.002-06:00

This past summer, Philips and director/producer Ridley Scott launched a global filmmaking competition dubbed “Tell It Your Way” following its Cannes Lions award-winning short-film project “Parallel Lines.”

The entrants were given freedom of expression and could choose any theme they wanted. There were two strict rules—

1. The dialogue could be precisely six-lines

2. Entries could not exceed three minutes.

I Love this short. Click here for more information.

SheBye Bye

2011-10-14T09:30:00.004-06:00

So, the experiment formerly known as The Whole Shebang is over and done. Dead in the water - for many reasons. For those of you that didn't follow it, I'll re-post a couple of my blogs here...

A Needle In My G-What???

2011-10-14T09:28:00.001-06:00

[Shebang Repost]

Okay, so the other night Laura, JJ and I were looking up something on the Internet and the most amazing thing popped up. It wasn't what we were looking for but not totally unrelated either. The website we stumbled upon is for a doctor that does G-Spot Shot Parties.

What is a G-Spot Shot Party you may ask? Oh. My. God. It's like those Botox parties women used to throw when Tupperware, Mary Kay and Bunco got old. Well this Baby puts those "Lets drink a few bottles of wine and get poisonous bacteria injected into our foreheads" parties to shame. Hell, this is even better than "Come on, Ladies, let's take a mirror and look at our vagina's!" Now you and your girlfriends can gather boldly together, hold hands in the spirit of true sisterhood, spread your legs and have needles injected into your G-spots.

Booyah!

So, the thought alone made us burst out laughing. Then we scrolled down and saw the picture of Dr. David Matlock, M.D., MBA, FACOG and completely lost it.

Okay, first of all this guy looks like he should be dressed in camo wielding an AK-47 not gingerly parting the labia of women in stirrups. And WTF does FACOG stand for? As far as I can see it means Freaky Armed Coochie Oggling Guy. Laughter turned to the screaming snorts as our eyes traveled up from the oh-so unfortunate angle of the stirrup-ed leg to the tiny tuft of Muppet bush that, judging from the look on his face, the good Dr. clearly wants to strangle.

This guy has women going into private rooms with him on g-spot finding adventures after which he injects them with a magical collagen that will enhance their sexual experience for up to 6 months.

Huh.

There's just something about this that doesn't sit right with me - which is weird because I really have nothing against cosmetic enhancement (especially if it's connected to sexual pleasure.) It's probably Dr. Creepy. If it was the Old Spice Guy I'd probably be all over it.

JJ and I also had a friend tell us about clitoral piercing - the thought of which makes me squirm worse than a needle in my g-spot. But, ever since said friend swore up and down that the stimulating effects to the "nerve bundle" were unparalleled I have to admit that I've been curious.

Maybe us Shebangers need to just strap on a pair and get these procedures so you can all live and learn vicariously.

Or not.

Maybe we'll just start with a bottle of Vodka and some good old fashioned V-Jazzling.

Here's To The Crazy One

2011-10-12T08:51:00.004-06:00

"Here’s to the crazy ones. The misfits. The rebels. The troublemakers. The round pegs in the square holes. The ones who see things differently. They’re not fond of rules. And they have no respect for the status quo. You can quote them, disagree with them, glorify or vilify them. About the only thing you can’t do is ignore them. Because they change things. They push the human race forward. And while some may see them as the crazy ones, we see genius. Because the people who are crazy enough to think they can change the world, are the ones who do."

I am so incredibly inspired by this man.

Dancing With Crazy Endorsement - Will Swenson

2011-10-11T10:30:00.000-06:00

(This picture of Will totally looks like my fantasy Vampire Pirate. I'm just sayin...)

Okay, my friend Will Swenson - Broadway Super Star / Director of our film Facing East / Vampirate - was kind enough to write the following snippety blurb for my book:

* * *

"There were two kinds of gay guys at BYU. The ones who stayed in the closet, kept quiet about their sexual orientation so as to not get kicked out of school, and then the minute they graduated went on to become happier, more well-adjusted and “out” gay guys. Then there were the others. They also stayed in the closet. (So as to not get kicked out of school) but they fought their nature. They dated girls, classically overcompensated in the masculinity department, and then often married some poor girl and started having children. I always marveled at this second group of guys. Wondered how they could set themselves up for a lifetime of repression. But more than that, I wondered and marveled at the girls who married them. I guess growing up Mormon can really mess with developing a strong sense of “gay-dar”, but I just felt so bad for these girls. How could you miss this glaring aspect of somebody’s nature?

Enter Emily Pearson. At school, all I knew about Emily was that she was one of those girls. She had married a gay friend of mine. The more remarkable thing about Emily was that her Dad had also been gay (yep) so you’d kind of assume that she, more than anyone, would understand how to miss that particular pothole on the road of life. Add to that, that Emily is incredibly beautiful and amazingly talented. She was a major catch – could have had her pick of straight, returned Mormon missionary fellas. And yet, there she was, heading down a road that seemed to be clearly labeled “danger” and all we could do was sit back and wait for the crash – which, by the way, was pretty massive.

So, knowing these things about Emily, I figured I knew the basics about her life and her somewhat unbelievable story. Then she sent me Dancing With Crazy and I discovered I had no idea AT ALL about the crazy (to say the least) journey that this life has brought her. It’s not just a memoir. That would be interesting enough, considering all the stories Emily has to tell, but it turns out that Emily is an incredibly gifted writer as well (don’t you kind of hate people that are good at EVERYTHING?)

Throughout her narrative I was simultaneously in awe of the insanity that has seemed to follow this girl all her life, and then really moved and impressed with how Emily has taken each step along the path and examined it for what it was, figured out what she had to learn from it and grown stronger through the whole process – all the while keeping me riveted and page turning thanks to her random sense of humor and ease with the turn of a phrase. I thought I had seen some adventure in my life, but I’m afraid Emily has me beat by a mile.

I’m pretty sure if Em were to try to put her life into a screenplay, Hollywood executives would say it’s far too unbelievable. Gay Dad? Leather Queens? Brushes with polygamy? Baywatch? Mormonism? AND a gay husband? Forget it! And yet, that’s her story. A really, really entertaining and inspiring one."

Friday Video: Betty White's Muffin

2011-10-07T23:56:00.000-06:00

I'll bet Betty White's Muffin would be fabulous alongside Alec Baldwin's Schweddy Balls...

Update

2011-10-06T08:59:00.003-06:00

Several people are asking about the digital release of Dancing With Crazy. Yes, along with the printed version, it will be available on both Kindle and Nook in November and will roll out to both iBooks and Google Books shortly thereafter. And, I'm currently recording the audio book which will be available in November as well.

I'm as excited as a pig in a pile of poop. Except that conjures thoughts of Chris Buttars and I really don't want to throw up my breakfast. How about... I'm as excited as a cock in a hen-house? As a puppy with two peters? How come all the excited idioms have to do with penises? I mean, I know why. Duh. But are they really the only things that get excited? Nay. I am not a penis and I am very excited. How about as happy as a clam? And a lark. With a bug in a rug. As the day is long. I just Googled "Happy as..." sayings and got "Happy as Larry." Who the hell is Larry and why is he so damn happy? Doesn't matter - he cannot be as happy as I am. Not possible. He doesn't have a book coming out that he has been working on for 9 years. Or, maybe he does. Whatever.

Either way, I'm pleased as punch.

And now I'm off.

Like a prom dress.

Coming Oh-So Soon...

2011-10-05T11:10:00.004-06:00

All together now...

"It's about damn time!!!"

Friday Video: Schweddy Balls

2011-09-30T09:04:00.001-06:00

Not sure who I'm more in love with - SNL & Alec Baldwin for the sketch, or Ben & Jerry's for actually running with it. Both have made me incredibly happygasmic...

In The Name Of Brave People Everywhere, Amen.

2011-09-26T16:14:00.001-06:00

Friday Video: SNL Great Day

2011-09-23T14:00:00.000-06:00

Time To Start Pushing

2011-09-22T09:59:00.006-06:00

So, I am officially in labor. I mean, I have been in labor for years now, but the baby is crowning and it's time to start pushing.

I started writing Dancing With Crazy about nine years ago and it is, at long freaking last, done and being published. And it has nearly killed me. Well, living it nearly killed me several times over - writing it has been both my healing saving grace and the thing that I was sure would finally push me over the edge. But it didn't. And I am an infinitely better and kick assier person because of it.

After writing and re-writing it more times than I can count and, like millions of other writers out there, not being able to get through a literary agent's door - thus no publisher would look at it, I decided, as I tend to do, to say, "Fuck it - I'm doing it myself." So, I started my own publishing company, Hullabaloo Press, to publish my own creations and perhaps, down the road, others that might be a good fit. Who knows... I have an amazing team of people working with me and am just ridiculously excited about how things are playing out for me. Many possibility doors have opened lately and I am going through as many of them as I can manage.

I want to thank the surprising number of you that have stuck with this blog while I have hidden my publicly sassy self and eaten up my last remaining months of privacy. It has been crucial and delicious. And I am done. I am ready to come out of hiding, strip down - as it were, and get to work.

Blogging will continue to be a bit sparser than I'd like for the next few weeks while I am recording, shooting, building sites, overseeing publication... Because, well, there is only one of me. But, there are fun things planned. A new website and blog are nearly complete, video blogging will commence (don't know why I hate the word vlogging so much - but I do) and we will dig in and have some major discussions about many things and I will, once again, expose my guts to any that might find them interesting or helpful in navigating their own human adventures.

Ready... Set...

Captured Moment: Belly Up To The Bar, Boys!

2011-09-22T08:40:00.003-06:00

I love this photo. It, alone, would drive a man to drink.

Happy Day After Pirate Day!

2011-09-20T11:50:00.003-06:00

How the HELL I didn't know that September 19th is International Talk Like A Pirate Day until later yesterday when it was too late to do anything about it is freaking beyond me! You better believe that next year there will be outfits and celebrating. Mark me words.

(See video below for proper belated tribute.)

Friday Video: Jack Sparrow

2011-09-16T11:40:00.001-06:00

Pirates. Captain Johnny Depp Sparrow. Michael Bolton in drag. Seriously, this could not make me happier.

About To Give Flint A Serious Run For His Money

2011-09-16T11:35:00.001-06:00

You know what they say. Once you use Old Spice...

* * *
Related Posts:

Flint
At The Fur Post With A What Down His What???
Flint Plus LaFawnda Equals True Love Always

Gay Man Myth #6

2011-09-16T10:49:00.004-06:00

Gay men are really possessed by dis-embodied female spirits.

Okay, for real, when I was Uber-Mormon I was taught this by an also Uber Mormon, muscle testing, kinesiologist, healer friend of mine. Gay men are really just possessed by female spirits that have refused to “cross over” and have jumped into, and taken over, their host body (kind of like JJ did that one time she was a demon. ) These female spirits are so happy to be in a physical body, and are so ridiculously horny, that the poor straight guys they have inhabited have no choice but to obey their Mistress and get it on with other guys.

Conversely, lesbians have been taken over by horny male spirits. I am horrified to report (though obviously not above mocking the hell out of myself) that I took a lesbian friend (whose LDS mission did NOT cure her like it was supposed to) to see him so he could cure her. He muscle tested, hypnotized, cast out, led her through visualizations, muscle tested again, cast out some more… until she was free of the dude that was making her finger other chicks.

Didn’t work. Last I heard she was still gay.

Huh.

So… gay men are possessed by dead divas and lesbians have been taken over by dis-embodied douche bags. Isn’t there some magical mojo pouch of glitter and garlic one can wear to prevent this? Because, I’m all for having men inside of me but that’s taking it a bit too far.

* * *
Related Posts

Gay Man Myth #1
Gay Man Myth #2
Gay Man Myth #3
Gay Man Myth #4
Gay Man Myth #5

The Sex Diaries

2011-09-15T08:54:00.003-06:00

So, earlier this year I was approached by a production company in New York - wondering if I would be interested in being featured on the pilot for a new series on Oprah's new network. Interested? Umm... Duh. The theme of the show? Sex. More particularly, a filmed diary all about my sex life. Umm... Sure. Why the hell not?

After many weeks of shooting it is finally done and is, I just received last minute notice, airing TONIGHT on OWN. So... for all things Emily's Sex Life related... Check your local listings. Here in Utah, there are conflicting times. Some listings say 8:00PM and others say 10:00PM. So, check your TV, set your TIVO, pour yourself a cocktail and fasten your seat belt...

Kimeli Naiyomah

2011-09-14T13:17:00.003-06:00

Another story about The Beauty of the Human Spirit. Despite it all, this world really is an incredible place to be...

9/11 Memorial - Remembering

2011-09-13T10:03:00.007-06:00

We all remember where we were the morning of September 11 – where we were, what we were wearing, who was next to us, who we called... the disbelief, the horror, the fear, the anger and, as the day wore on, the unspeakable grief.

I drove my kids to school yesterday and caught my breath at the sight of the entire length of the high school lined in American flags. Suddenly I was back in my living room, ten years ago, with my hand over my mouth and tears streaming down my face. Funny how memories can come out of nowhere bringing with them, sometimes overwhelming, emotions. I don’t think I’ll ever forget the way I felt that morning a decade ago. It is forever imprinted on my soul.

After I dropped the kids at school I read about the new 9/11 Memorial that just opened to the public at what has, until now, been referred to as Ground Zero. I was so moved to see what has been created – at how we, as a nation, have healed and how we are continuing to heal. I was, am, so proud of how we remember and honor and re-build. I am so grateful for our capacity, both individually and collectively, to get back up, to stand a little taller and burn a little brighter – both in spite and because of what we have been through.

An article on the Memorial said: "It will do what the terrorists tried to prevent, which is we've created a place where, regardless of political stripes, economic class, ethnicity, country of origin, people will be coming together, paying their respects at a place that's been transformed from one that was noted for such pain ... to a place of stunning beauty."

I read those words and wept. I looked back on my own life and at my own determination to turn my personal Ground Zeros into places of stunning beauty. I look around me as see so many others doing the same thing. We all have our internal 9/11’s – those moments where we were hit, crumbled and have never been the same. How have we handled them? Are the giant empty places still there, covered in rubble, or have we done our work? Have we grieved and mourned and then gotten up and done the necessary clearing for our own memorials?

Those moments never go away. There is pain that never completely dissipates. There are wounds that, once healed, do leave scars. But what our internal landscape looks like is totally and completely up to us. Close your eyes for just a moment and look at your Ground Zero. What does it look like? How is it affecting your life? Have you covered it in tarp and wondered why it won’t just go away? It won’t. But, it doesn’t have to be a haunted, barren, howling wasteland. It can be exquisitely beautiful.

If there’s clean up to do - do it. If there’s quiet honoring to do - do it. Clear away the old and the dead. Breathe in the life and the healing. Make it beautiful. Erect monuments and museums. Plant every tree and flower you can imagine. Fly your own flag proudly. Honor yourself. Celebrate your survival and re-birth. Life changing, soul shattering, events happen - but we don’t have to be crippled by them. We really can be better for them – stronger, kinder, safer, smarter, braver… I promise. Life goes on and it can do so joyously. We really can get up, start again and move on.

And then, whenever we need to, we can go inside, kneel at our own altar, and remember.

Currently Listening To

2011-09-12T09:31:00.003-06:00

Friday Video: This Answers The Question I Asked Myself For Years

2011-09-09T12:56:00.004-06:00

That question being: What would I do with a brain if I had one?

The answer? Think.

While I do not consider myself an atheist (I consider myself to be the polar opposite, actually) I cannot give a longer or louder standing ovation to this guy's reasoning and thought process. I didn't even know thinking like this existed, let alone what it might feel like, until well into my thirties when I walked away from my religion. Absolutely brilliant.

A Time Out For Some Happy

2011-09-08T12:23:00.004-06:00

(Image courtesy of: HeartMath )

...Sang Anyway

2011-09-08T12:11:00.000-06:00

Wow. This guy's billboard humbles me.

I'm Still Me: Part Two

2011-09-02T13:56:00.003-06:00

On Monday I posted, both on this blog and on my Facebook page, a comment by a woman merely stating what she would most like her loved ones to understand about her since leaving the Mormon Church. 116 comments later I decided to briefly speak up about the fairly brutal faith bashing that ensued.

I understand that Facebook is a forum where many people like to argue and debate one another on a variety of topics. Obviously, the topics most often thrown around right now on my FB page are those surrounding Mormonism. I also understand that conversations between Mo’s and Ex-Mo’s can be volatile, at best, and abusive, at worst. The comment string I am referring to was filled with big words and smartly crafted sentences that were, basically, two groups of people cleverly telling one another to fuck off. Positions were defended and beliefs were dismantled. Testimonies were born and immediately mocked. Now, I am the first one to say that I hate, repeat: HATE, being Gospel Raped by a TBM. Nothing gets us Ex-Mo’s panties in a bunch faster than being witnessed to and told that “If only we had… or could… or obviously we’ve never…” I have been on BOTH sides of that conversation. I was the True Blue Mormon with the die hard testimony. And now I wear thongs and sexually harass missionaries. But, this is all just so ridiculous.

Look, we are never going to agree. Mormons that believe will never let go of defending and reverencing their beliefs. And they should never have to. Their beliefs should [key word] bring them closer to themselves and to God and to who they know that God to be, and not to be, and make them happier, better people. We ex-Mormons will also never let go of defending our beliefs and where we now find ourselves and reverencing what our experience has been. And we should, also, never have to. Our beliefs should [key word] bring us closer to ourselves and to God (or to no God) and who we know that God to be, and not to be, and make us happier, better people. We are never going to agree, can we please just start being respectful and kind? In other words…

Can we all please stop being assholes?

Here’s the two cents I would like to add to Kelli’s post. Do you know how unbelievably incredible and miraculous it would be for a person who is having a crisis of faith to have friends and family say, “Wow, I can’t imagine how terrifying that would be.” “How hard that must be for you to be losing your foundation – tell me about it.” “I love you and really want to understand what you’re going through…” instead of being met with instant judgment, fear and silence? We have emotional doors slammed in our faces and suddenly have our nearest and dearest treating us like we’re leprous pedophiles. We’re no longer allowed around nieces and nephews or grandchildren and suddenly find ourselves on the outside of holidays and other family celebrations. I absolutely agree with Kelli. I am still me – the same woman that loves fiercely, worships passionately, laughs loudly and has always loved the word fuck - even when I was a testimony bearing Relief Society Teacher.

And I promise to try my best to stop being an asshole to the Mormons.

Friday Video: The Miracle Of The Daffy Jesus Lizard

2011-09-02T13:13:00.004-06:00

When I saw the slow-mo shot of this little guy running on the water, I nearly wet myself. (The Crazy Nastyass Honey Badger also rocks.)

Ask me how desperately I want this guy to officially narrate my life.

Lady Gaga + Jo Calderone = New Shebang Post

2011-09-02T10:55:00.006-06:00

Check it out...

I'm Still Me

2011-08-29T09:20:00.001-06:00

A friend of mine was asked, on Facebook, what she would most like her loved ones to understand about her since leaving the [Mormon] church. This was her really wonderful response:

"I think the one message that is the most important for me personally to get across to my loved ones is that I'm still me, just a happier, less stressed, more appreciative, less fearful version of me. I'm still the over achieving, intelligent, daddy's girl who loves her parents and would never intentionally set out to break my loved one's hearts. I'm still a conscientious person who doesn't rush into making important, life altering decisions. I'm still a loving mom who wouldn't think twice about stepping in front of a train for my kids, or taking on a bully, a teacher, or a principal for the benefit of my kids. Most of all, I haven't lost mind, fallen off the deep end, or gone over to the dark side. I simply chose to employ all of my skills to assess the assertions of the church and the gospel and came to a conclusion that just about every single other person would come to if they simply chose to open their eyes and allow themselves to see all sides. I'm not an evil or misguided person. I won't rub off. I'm not a dangerous person to associate with...unless you find kindness, love, and intelligence negative traits, in which case I'm deadly."

Talk About Religulous

2011-08-29T09:18:00.002-06:00

Oh, but that is exactly what I'm waiting for...

Currently Listening To

2011-08-29T09:14:00.002-06:00

Friday Video(s): F*ck No, Fabio

2011-08-26T10:10:00.001-06:00

For those of you that missed the YouTube War between Fabio and The Old Spice Guy, here are some delightful snippets...

Umm... did he say the old Old Spice Guy (aka my future husband) is not handsome AND is gross to my eyes???

BAH-HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Not even dude.

I bow at your feet, my One True Love Besides Johnny Depp.

This one really is funny. I cannot stop watching the smoke bombs and laughing my ass off.

Happygasmic sigh...

Note To Self: Get Married Again. Immediately.

2011-08-26T09:45:00.001-06:00

It's About Damn Time

2011-08-24T13:13:00.002-06:00

You know what? I actually feel sorry for this LDS Bishop who is facing criminal charges for not reporting the sexual assault of a teenage girl in his Ward. Not because he was right in doing so, or because I see him as a victim who shouldn't be held responsible for his actions, but he was just doing what he was told to do by the higher ups.

I'm sorry, but I call a loud and resounding bullshit on the statement "The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints has zero tolerance for abuse of any kind and is extremely proactive in its efforts to protect children and heal victims from this societal plague." Gotta love how the Mormon church's PR machine kicks in and says whatever sounds the very best when it gets in any degree of hot water. I know that there are many, many church leaders that feel that way and handle reported abuse appropriately by believing, supporting and protecting the victim while turning the perpetrator over to systems that are already in place to deal with the necessary consequences and, hopefully, rehabilitation.

Unfortunately, more often that not, the victim is blamed, chastised, told to repent and remain silent while the abuser is absolutely protected by the Good Ol' Boys Club. My best friend growing up was assaulted by an ex-boyfriend - and she was brushed aside by our bishop and told that the church would handle matters. The dude was merely shipped off on his mission saying that he would be fine once he was away from her as she was the problematic temptation. I have heard countless stories like this throughout the years.

The bishop in question here looks nice enough and may have reacted differently if it was his daughter that had been assaulted. But, as with so many other things going on behind the scenes in Mormonland, enough is enough. It's only going to be cases like this that will wake up all the other unpaid, untrained, generally well meaning church leaders to step up and do the right thing - if for no other reason than they are afraid of facing what this bishop is now facing.

And the dudes running things here in Salt Lake? Time for them to realize that those [of us] that have been abused will no longer tolerate the code of silence, being brushed aside, dis-believed, or the protection the priesthood holding perpetrators.

And, I am so incredibly proud of these parents for not rolling over and playing dead. Their belief, support, anger and action are a gift their daughter will carry with her the rest of her life and set the stage for how she will allow herself to be treated until the day she dies. Bravo.

Stoopid State Laws: Georgia & Hawaii

2011-08-23T11:49:00.003-06:00

Okay, so in Georgia...

The term “sadomasochistic abuse” is defined so broadly, that it could possibly be applied to a person handcuffing another in a clown suit: Wow, that’s pretty wild & crazy there, Georgia. Good thing I live in Utah where I can legally live out all my S&M, handcuffing a missionary to a yak in a nun’s habit, fantasies.

All sex toys are banned: Georgia, you put on your dunce cap and go sit with Alabama in the corner.

It is illegal to use profanity in front of a dead body which lies in a funeral home or in a coroners office: So that means I have to drag Myrtle’s dead body out into the street to tell her what I think of her? Sweet. (Seriously weird law – like a dead body gives a shit.)

Donkeys may not be kept in bathtubs: What if Georgia and Arkansas went nuts and lifted their weird animals in bathtub laws? Donkeys and Alligators together in bathtubs is just the entertainment my life is missing.

No one may carry an ice cream cone in their back pocket if it is Sunday: What kind of a dumb-ass would carry an ice cream cone in their back pocket? Don’t they know that’s what bras are for? I love that it’s only on Sunday – like it’s some affront to God or something.

All citizens must own a rake: And a whiffle bat.

Adult bookstores may not sell alcohol: Ha! Could you imagine, drunken porn shopping? Those stores would make a killing.

Massage businesses may not sell alcohol on the side: Drunken massages. Even better.

If you want to read your favorite book in public to your friends, do it before 2:45 AM: I’m dying to know what happens at 2:46 AM whilst I continue to read Flint to my friends in the town square.

Goldfish may not be given away to entice someone to enter a game of bingo: Oh, how desperately I want the back story on this one.

It is illegal for one to make a disturbing sound at a fair: First of all, what is your definition of a disturbing sound, Georgia? Secondly, fairs are pretty much overflowing with all things disturbing so I don’t see where me making fart noises while riding the Tilt o’ Whirl is really cause to haul my ass to jail. It’s not like I did it while handcuffing a clown to the carnie operating the thing.

Meanwhile, the only laws listed for Hawaii are...

Billboards are outlawed.

All residents may be fined as a result of not owning a boat.

Coins are not allowed to be placed in one’s ears.

I’m calling it right now - Hawaii wins the Coolest State Ever prize.

Ernie & Bert - It's Official...

2011-08-23T09:56:00.001-06:00

...They are just friends.

Even I (who still marches in the Big, Fat Gay Marriage Parade) think this is too much. Sesame Street is Switzerland, people - not a platform for forwarding political agendas.

In the name of Elmo, Amen.

Friday Video: Ode To Joy

2011-08-19T09:50:00.000-06:00

I Triple-Dog-Dare you not to have Happygasms while watching this...

Frankie Says Relax

2011-08-19T09:12:00.002-06:00

My daughter and I just got back from several days at a cabin in Yellowstone with family. Usually I am quite good at making the world go away and relaxing when I have the moment to do so. But, this time? Not so much. It may have been the 10 children, 5 of which are under the age of 4, all running around with plastic swords, fake pocket knives, sticks and jars of that farting gooey play-dough - screaming and crying and getting sent to Time Out every 7 minutes. I adore my cousins, the big and the small, but all the chaos didn't exactly send me drifting into a blissful hammock meditation - which, truth be told, at this stage in my life is the vacation I fantasize about. Endlessly.

But we played, laughed til we peed, ate ridiculously large amounts of food, floated the Snake River and saw a hole-in-the-wall production of "Dirty Rotten Scoundrels" at the hole-in-the-wall Playmill Theater. And I had delicious Sugar-Free ice cream with ground dark chocolate and cashews. I thought life without sugar would be un-livable. Turns out - not so much. I feel amazing and thank the Gods daily for organic Dark Chocolate.

Anyway, relaxing is not really my forte these days but it's not always due to stress and it's accompanying anxiety. It is also due to excitement. Such wonderful things are happening in my life professionally - my book is finally coming out this fall, Facing East is moving forward - however slowly, I just finished shooting a pilot for a new series on the Oprah network that I was chosen for (details on what it is and when it will air will be yours as soon as they are mine), and we are having a great deal of fun Shebanging.

I will continue to breathe deeply and meditate daily. And, I will beg shoulder rubs from every freaking friend that is willing to put out but I don't really want to relax right now. Relaxing right now would feel like relaxing near the end of a relay race that I have been training for my whole life (speaking specifically of "Dancing With Crazy") when the finish line is in sight.

No way. It's time to sprint because, Baby, this one is mine!

Talk About Religulous: The Doggy Debate

2011-08-14T12:09:00.011-06:00

This Brilliant exchange between two churches, located across a busy street from one another, almost makes me want to become Catholic.

Almost.

Happy Sabbath, Internetland!

Friday Video: I Cannot Stop Laughing Long Enough To Come Up With A Proper Name For This One

2011-08-12T14:12:00.002-06:00

Oh my, Gawd - run Megan. Run for the hills!!!

Currently Listening To

2011-08-12T11:48:00.002-06:00

New Shebang Post

2011-08-12T11:46:00.002-06:00

Ugly People Fucking

Rumpology

2011-08-11T16:41:00.003-06:00

Also known as Buttology. Huh. No more referring to yourselves as "Ass Men" guys - now you're all Rumpologists. Where do I sign up for that certificate???

Wonder what my freshly bleached, tattooed, be-dazzled, flowered and ballooned rump says about me? Certainly not moody and shy.

Emily vs. The Elders: MILF & Cookies

2011-08-11T15:26:00.005-06:00

Another totally-entertaining-unto-me Facebook exchange between myself and The Elders, after posting that I was going to start My Own Religion.

Emily: I'm going to need missionaries...

Elder Price: We would love to be your new missionaries. You need to get together with our new prophet Elder Cunningham and maybe we can combine it with out new Church we just started, The Church of Elder Arnold Cunningham of Latter-day Saints. Love your new ideas!

Emily: Looks like we may have a new Nephite / Lamanite competition going on here. Sweet!

Elder Price: Ok. But we get to be the white and delightsome ones.

Emily: Oooooo... that's exactly how I wanted this to play out. Let the games begin...

Elder Toady: Wait, which one does that leave me with?

Emily: Your choice, Elder. Guaranteed the white-n-delightsome ones won't have MILF and cookies.

Elder Toady: I want whatever one comes with a MILF and her cookies.

Emily: Jump aboard, Elder. That's one for the Emily-ites. ;-)

Elder Price: Elder Cunningham - Help!

Emily: Too late, Elder. [Insert evil laugh here]

Elder Toady: Quick Elder Price - perform a emergency baptism!

Emily: Like you guys can compete with my cookies... ;-)

Elder Toady: I know I can't. I am going to stop pretending.

Elder Price: Don't make me use my Harry Potter Priesthood on you Emily.

Elder Toady: Elder Price, show her your wand so she knows your serious!

Emily: Bring it, Baby. Sounds like something I'd seriously enjoy. ;-)

Elder Price: I will have to anoint you first with by SECRET not SACRED Consecrated oil!

Emily: I have my secret, magical potions and lubrications too, Elder.

Elder Price: WHOA! Where is our great prophet Elder Cunningham - I don't know if I can handle the great wittiness of an Emily-ite by myself.

Elder Toady: Like Lion-o and the Thundercats Elder Price, calls on his friends in gods army when he needs help!

Emily: You seriously think that I'd bat an eye at being tag teamed? Please.

Elder Price: WHOA!! I am Elder here! - What have I gotten myself into! I am going to have to call down the Wizard Moroni by the Powers of Grayskull! I Have the Power!!!

Elder Price: The Power to Give In to Tempation!

Elder Price: Temptation that is!

Elder Toady: Elder Price, your so flustered its hard to spell! Same for me!

Elder Price: This reminds me of a girlfriend that was a very bad influence on me. She always wanted to play a game called "Deity Free Room" where we could do whatever or say whatever we want and no Deity would listen or look in on us.

Elder Price: Well I found out it did not work and I almost allowed it to happen again!

Emily: Give up, Dude. You're mine.

Elder Price: Fine, I will just tell everybody I was forced into it like that new Tabloid movie or whatever it is.

Elder Price: But I will enjoy it! ;)

Emily: You bet your sweet name tag you will!

Elder Price: Promise you will carve your initials in the back?

Elder Toady: Sin happens, but you can repent and be forgiven!

Elder Price: I will never forget this day.

Emily: Baby, I will engrave your plates too.

Elder Price: I have a pair of brass plates.

Elder Toady: Can we hide the plates after? And just use some paper?

Elder Price: Well I have to get back to Missionary work. Our mission president told us that if somebody will not give in to what we are saying, just move on to the next one. But I will be back when you are ready Emily!

Elder Price: Can I have my name tag back now?

Elder Toady: I will stay with her, just to keep a eye on her until you return.

Elder Price: Well if you have to keep your Eye on something, Emily is a good choice. Eye candy!

Emily: You want your tag back? I guess. Just make sure you wash it off.

Emily: End scene.

Elder Price: OMG(osh)

Elder Toady: This was my first scene!

Elder Price: I have no come back

Emily: Seriously, you hand me a last line like that and expect me to not run with it???

Emily: Welcome to the big time, boys! ;-)

Elder Price: LOL - Never let me into your mind! I will need a serious brainwashing.

Elder Toady: I feel like a big toad in a small pond. I never saw the big time until now!

Elder Price: Till Next Time!

Emily: Or a giant mental condom.

Elder Toady: Wait, did you say metal?

Elder Price: OK YOU WON!

Elder Price: Let me go you evil woman.

Emily: YEY!!!!!!!! Of COURSE I did. Because I have money. And you can buy anything in this world with money. Including wit.

Elder Toady: How did she get so good?! She must have been born this way.

Elder Toady: You paid a bunch of people to think up your funny stuff?! Why didn't I think of this?!

Emily: Go. Run. Be free. I release you. For now.

Elder Price: Thank You (Elder Price leaves the room shaking his head and defeated) Bye

Elder Toady: ‎(Toad notices Elder Price left his name tag and one of his socks)

Emily: ‎"Next?"

Elder Price: ‎(don't care)

Elder Toady: That wasn't fair. I need to start with easier opponents.

[Later]

Elder Price: Dear Journal: We lost a battle with a Emily Pearson that lives at 89 Wine Court while tracting. The name of the street should have tipped us off. Wrote in the Mission Area Book about what happened and for future missionaries to stay away. Spirit told me to remove the note because it would only entice more Elders. May Heavely Father have mercy on their souls. -Elder Price, July 27th, 2011

Emily: Oh, sweet Elder Price... I would say I'm harmless, but I think we both know better.

Elder Price: My problem is I broke rule seventy-two and did not have Elder Cunningham with me. He is way better at making stuff up. Also we will give you a blessing to turn you into a lesbian. That will make you stop coming after us... I think.

Emily: Good luck with that. And, no. It wouldn't.

Elder Price: What are you going to do if we send the Sister Missionaries?

Emily: Dress them up in Emily-Wear and have them join me in your endless torment.

Emily: And, give them my secret cookie recipe.

Elder Price: How did I get sucked into this again?

Emily: Sweetheart, those that don't learn from their mistakes are doomed to repeat them.

Elder Price: Lesson Learned

Emily: Two. Elders: Zero.

Shebang Video: Three Girls In A Shower

2011-08-09T10:27:00.003-06:00

A fan dared us to shower together on film - no doubt hoping for soft lighting, slow motion soaping and porn music. This was our response...
Sexy, huh?

Friday Video: Making A Difference

2011-08-05T11:40:00.004-06:00

Visit msnbc.com for breaking news, world news, and news about the economy

New Shebang Post

2011-08-05T11:30:00.004-06:00

Warren Jeffs / Joyce McKinney Smackdown

Ask Shebang: Trouble At Work

2011-08-04T16:27:00.001-06:00

Emily vs. The Elders: In The Bathtub

2011-08-02T12:48:00.010-06:00

So, a couple weeks ago, after posting The First Shebang Bathtub Video on Facebook, the following exchange occurred between myself, Elder Price & Elder Cunningham (from Broadway's The Book of Mormon Musical) and a few dudes.

Thrilled to be handed the much longed for opportunity to finally toy with some Elders!

Elder Price: Looks like you have the font and water. Let us know if you need Elder Cunningham and I to come baptize you fine Sisters.

Elder Cunningham: They are a really hot shade of white...

Emily: You Elders drag me back into that church and I will kill you with my bare hands. But you're both welcome to come over anytime for some... MILF & cookies.

Elder Cunningham: We have changed a few things. You might have to gird up your loins and join us here in Uganda!

Elder Cunningham: Bring your friends!

Emily: You gird up your sweet loins and join us in the tub!

Elder Cunningham: You ladies are gonna be wet with salvation!

Emily: Ooooo... Sweetie, you really want to go there???

Emily: Holding to the iron rod did always have that effect on me...

[Silence]

Emily: Aww... Elders, are you giving up on me that easily?

Dude #1: I would like to lay on hands and give you the Second Anointing – it’s required for your exaltation - ha

Dude #2: I'm happy to fill in on that MILF and cookies offer if they've given up. lol

Dude #3: My Seer Stones just turned blue.

Dude #4: Why is there only one set of wet footprints across that bathroom floor Lord?

Dude #1: LOL

Elder Price: I have never turned down MILF & Cookies before but then again nobody has ever offered before. Thank you Emily! We would still love to come baptize you sisters so you can be doused by Heavenly Father.

Dude #1: Nothing wrong with feeling the touch of the masters hand.....

Elder Price: A fun game I like to play is add "in the bathtub" after the name of a Hymn: Hold to the Rod in the bathtub; Abide With Me in the bathtub; As I Have Loved you in the bathtub; Come, Come ye Saints in the bathtub, etc.

Dude #1: Families can be together forever in the bathtub; School Thy Feelings in the bathtub; Now Let Us Rejoice in the bathtub; The Spirit of God Like a Fire is Burning in the bathtub; High on the Mountain Top in the bathtub; Come Ye Children of the Lord in the bathtub...

Dude #5: Behold I c... quickly (forgive me)

Dude #4: I heard him come…

Dude #6: This whole comment thread has made my day! Thank you!

The good Elders had no more to say on this particular thread.

Emily: One. Elders: Zero.

The Whole Shebang: The Wind Between My...

2011-08-02T11:40:00.000-06:00

Talk About Religulous

2011-08-01T22:36:00.002-06:00

Ask Shebang

2011-07-30T19:38:00.000-06:00

Friday Video: The Bright Side Of Life

2011-07-29T15:28:00.000-06:00

Once again, last weekend, the world was stunned by news of the slaughter in Norway. Once again, parents are burying children that were senselessly murdered in cold blood. Once again we hold our own children tighter. Once again we are reminded of how vulnerable we are. Once again the world feels unsafe.

I have heard the statement, more then a few times this week, "Man, this world sucks." But, while I do agree that this tragedy was unspeakable and that, yes, we do live in a world where terrible things do happen - and, yes, those things do absolutely suck - I am here to yell as loudly as I possible can that this world we live in is also stunningly beautiful. It is filled with light and love and creativity and peace and hope and faith. There are millions of people that are loving and kind and generous and selfless and are powerfully working to make this world a better place. This planet is literally filled with silent heroes that help, bless and save every single day.

Look for the good, it's there. Focus on the beautiful, you will find more and more of it. Be a creator of goodness, it will come back to you. Take things less seriously. Laugh more. Love more. Allow a sense of humor to permeate your existence, learn to laugh at the unlaughable - it will save your life. Believe me.

And for those things for which there can be no laughter - cry, mourn, be silent and then re-center and turn back to the sunshine.

If I were to vanish from the planet today, the thing that I would want to leave behind is the absolute and unshakeable knowledge I have that all of us, without exception, are better, brighter and bigger than anything that has ever, or will ever, happen to us. I promise.

* * *

My Own Religion

2011-07-27T17:07:00.003-06:00

This makes me happier than a puppy with two peters. An Austrian man, Niko Alm, fought for three years for the right to wear a pasta strainer on his head in his driver's license photo - claiming that he belongs to The Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster and wearing the strainer on his head is part of his religion. Ask me how much I love this guy.

I am, seriously, going to start my own religion and you're all invited to join! The outfits will rock, the sacrament snacks will be amazing, there WILL be wine, and just wait until you see the underwear I'm gonna make you all wear...

Currently Listening To

2011-07-26T15:23:00.003-06:00

Sorry for the Video pull, Internetland. Gotta love technical difficulties. It'll be back. In the meantime... join me and the Orleans boys in a rousing rendition of "Could We Look Any Gayer?"

The Whole Shebang: Prettier Personal Private Area...

2011-07-22T11:23:00.000-06:00

...a.k.a. The Christmas Miracle That Is Anal Bleaching.

Friday Video: Birch Creek Service Ranch

2011-07-22T10:57:00.001-06:00

The cute boy first shown in this video is my son - several years ago - before he grew a million feet and got his new man-voice. At that time, I wrote about his summer at Birch Creek Service Ranch that was started by my wonderful cousins. My friend CJane also gave them a great shout out.

Not sure what registration is looking like for the rest of the summer, but it really is an incredible place for kids to spend some time. Check it out.

Perception

2011-07-22T10:30:00.004-06:00

I stole this wonderful piece from Jeff Bridge's Website.

Washington, DC Metro Station on a cold January morning in 2007. The man with a violin played six Bach pieces for about 45 minutes. During that time approx. 2 thousand people went through the station, most of them on their way to work. After 3 minutes a middle aged man noticed there was a musician playing. He slowed his pace and stopped for a few seconds and then hurried to meet his schedule.

4 minutes later: The violinist received his first dollar: a woman threw the money in the hat and, without stopping, continued to walk.

6 minutes: A young man leaned against the wall to listen to him, then looked at his watch and started to walk again.

10 minutes: A 3-year old boy stopped but his mother tugged him along hurriedly. The kid stopped to look at the violinist again, but the mother pushed hard and the child continued to walk, turning his head all the time. This action was repeated by several other children.. Every parent, without exception, forced their children to move on quickly..

45 minutes: The musician played continuously. Only 6 people stopped and listened for a short while. About 20 gave money but continued to walk at their normal pace. The man collected a total of $32.

1 hour: He finished playing and silence took over. No one noticed. No one applauded, nor was there any recognition.

No one knew this, but the violinist was Joshua Bell, one of the greatest musicians in the world. He played one of the most intricate pieces ever written, with a violin worth $3.5 million dollars. Two days before Joshua Bell sold out a theater in Boston where the seats averaged $100.

This is a true story. Joshua Bell playing incognito in the metro station was organized by the Washington Post as part of a social experiment about perception, and people's priorities.

The questions raised:

*In a common place environment at an inappropriate hour, do we perceive beauty?

*Do we stop to appreciate it?

*Do we recognize talent in an unexpected context?

One possible conclusion reached from this experiment could be this: If we do not have a moment to stop and listen to one of the best musicians in the world, playing some of the finest music ever written, with one of the most beautiful instruments ever made...

How many other things are we missing?

The Big Whoop

2011-07-21T11:06:00.003-06:00

A comment was left a few videos ago asking what the point was of The Whole Shebang. It is a show (part sketch comedy, part talk show, part satire) that me and a group of friends are producing - starring myself, JJ Neward and Laura Montoya. We are in the process of writing and shooting a pilot and 6 episodes. In the meantime we are shooting web content, building an online presence, working out kinks and having a ridiculously fun time. These preliminary videos are just us being dorks with cameras rolling.

Enjoy. Or, not. I will let you know as the actual show takes shape and moves forward...

In June, the crew and I hit the Scottish Festival. I had WAY too much fun - playing bagpipes (something I have ALWAYS wanted to do), the Didgeridoo, flirting, spanking, kilt checking (stay tuned for how THAT turned out ;-), searching for alcohol at the "dry" UT venue (don't get me started) and being my silly self. The guy above was oh-so married and oh-so Mormon - he wasn't quite sure what to make of me. I decided to go easier on him than I did with Mr. Sexy Didgeridoo. Actually, I think it was Mr. Sexy that went easy on me. Whichever. T'was a damn good time.

I cannot tell you how desperately I wish that I could say I was drunk when we shot this. Nope. Just me. Channeling Ethel Merman. Gawd...

Talk About Religulous

2011-07-19T10:12:00.002-06:00

Happy Birthday To My One True Love

2011-07-17T12:34:00.000-06:00

Ready to celebrate My Hoff? Start the video and then, while listening to the wondrous sounds of the man that Rocks Me Amadeus, scroll through the I Heart The Hoff Super Fantastic Activity Fun Book.

(Note: You might need a few cocktails first. And a cheeseburger.)

* * *
Related Posts
The Hoff

Friday Video: Recycling A Bottle, Flash Mob Style

2011-07-15T13:15:00.000-06:00

Hey, Internetland - just a quick shout out to Recycling. Please, please, please do all you can, every day, to leave the world a better place than you found it. I lose sleep thinking about the world one day being completely covered in garbage. And dead bodies. I know that last one is weird, but countless people die every minute and if we all get buried in caskets then one day the world will just be covered in boxes filled with gooey and dusty dead humans. Icky and morbid, I know. But, true.

I also know that we can't really recycle humans - although, I guess, cremation is maybe, kind of human recycling. I want to have all my various parts donated to whoever needs them and then be cremated - but that would foil the command I have given my children to write "Balls" across my forehead with a Sharpie right before closing my casket. Hmmm...

Anyway, again, Please Recycle. Have you seen the Pacific Ocean Garbage Patch? Sooooo Not Cool.

The Whole Shebang: Emily Has Wood

2011-07-14T12:08:00.001-06:00

The Whole Shebang: Rub-a-Dub-Dub,Three Girls In A Tub

2011-07-12T11:12:00.002-06:00

Gotta love me constantly boob checking / bubble covering. You CAN always find a reason to show the boob, just not sure this was one of them. ;-)

Talk About Religulous

2011-07-11T06:53:00.002-06:00

Friday Video: Bike Lanes

2011-07-08T12:11:00.000-06:00

This guy rocks. I LOVE it when people get back at The Man with humor and creativity.

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Impromptu Kitschy-B Film Fest: Flash Gordon

2011-07-08T11:35:00.002-06:00

"Flash! Flash, I love you! But, we only have fourteen hours to save the earth!"

So, a couple of nights ago a few of my friends threw me a Belated Birthday Wa-hoo and we watched the movie Flash Gordon. Oh My Gawd - it totally rivaled Barbarella (although failed to de-throne the B-movie queen.) I am seriously bummed that I didn't have my notebook to write down any of the amazingly well crafted dialog or to take notes on all the Stop Me In My Tracks and Slap Me Upside My Funny Bone movie moments. If I hadn't enjoyed so many of the "Wine-A-Ritas Made By Donna & Judy" I would have had the presence of mind to take notes on my shoe. Or a sanitary napkin. But, alas...

Suffice it to say IT WAS AWESOME. Best thing about it, BY FAR, was the Theme Song Sung By Queen.

Next official Kitschy-B film: Troll. I'll let you know...

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The Whole Shebang: Tom Cruise, Mel Gibson or Charlie Sheen

2011-07-07T10:36:00.003-06:00

Have sex with Charlie Sheen??? Ewwwwwww. No thanks.

The Whole Shebang: How Hard Can Emily Blow?

2011-07-05T13:28:00.004-06:00

Cause I know you're all DYING to find out...

Friday Video: Love Your Vagina

2011-07-01T10:37:00.002-06:00

My "little man in a canoe." Oh My God. This song is going to be stuck in my head all weekend. Bella Bella Woo-Woo!

New Shebang Post: Needing A Serious Facebook Lift

2011-07-01T10:30:00.003-06:00

More of my antics on The Whole Shebang

Coming Out

2011-06-30T15:25:00.000-06:00

I've been thinking a lot lately about coming out.

I love how that read. Not myself coming out - don't think I could be more "out" if I tried. I mean other people coming out and making a public declaration of who they are. After Prop 8 especially, there was a lot of pressure put on gays to come out to their families, friends and co-workers and stand as a united front - to get the straight people who are trailing at the end of the enlightenment parade to understand that they are surrounded by wonderful gay people, that they already love, and may not even have known it. It was/is all very political and an important step in forwarding equality. And, I understand the importance of it - hell, I was counted among those shouting, "Come out, come out, wherever you are!"

But, these past couple of years so much has shifted in me and so much has softened in me, and I have been re-thinking so many things. Now I just think if people want to keep things private, they should absolutely do so.

There are a million reasons why one would not share the fact that they're gay with co-workers, or hold off coming out of the closet to their children. Everyone has their own timing and path. I'm not talking about keeping big, fat secrets (if you're gay and your spouse is not, TELL THEM) I just mean if you don't want to broadcast your private life to people that aren't in your inner circle of loved ones, then by all means don't.

And this is so much bigger than coming out of the gay closet. We all have ways in which we might "come out" to others. Coming out as a Democrat to Republican friends, or as religious to atheist friends, or admitting to your book club that you're a little over Oprah. Or that you're 47 and secretly love Justin Bieber. Whatever. I have had awkward conversations with fellow Bitter-Ex-Mormons when I reveal that I am still very spiritual and absolutely still a believer in many, many things not of this world. S'okay. Doesn't really matter.

I'm just saying - come out if you want. Stay private if you want. Your soul and emotional well-being are so much more important than a political or religious movement. Your inner world does not exist to forward someone else's agenda. If you are out to yourself, if you know and can celebrate who you are in the quiet of your own heart, that is all that matters.

In the name of Urkel, (who, somehow, grew up to be kind of hot) Amen.

The Nipple Sisters

2011-06-30T10:10:00.001-06:00

Let the fun begin...

The Name Game Continued...

2011-06-27T16:00:00.000-06:00

Okay, Internetland - we Shebangers still need your help in Naming Our Penis Mascot. Personally, I'm pushing for Spunky or Bosley - so if you'd get on and push the votes in either of those directions I will give you a special treat...