I'm Still Me

A friend of mine was asked, on Facebook, what she would most like her loved ones to understand about her since leaving the [Mormon] church. This was her really wonderful response:

"I think the one message that is the most important for me personally to get across to my loved ones is that I'm still me, just a happier, less stressed, more appreciative, less fearful version of me. I'm still the over achieving, intelligent, daddy's girl who loves her parents and would never intentionally set out to break my loved one's hearts. I'm still a conscientious person who doesn't rush into making important, life altering decisions. I'm still a loving mom who wouldn't think twice about stepping in front of a train for my kids, or taking on a bully, a teacher, or a principal for the benefit of my kids. Most of all, I haven't lost mind, fallen off the deep end, or gone over to the dark side. I simply chose to employ all of my skills to assess the assertions of the church and the gospel and came to a conclusion that just about every single other person would come to if they simply chose to open their eyes and allow themselves to see all sides. I'm not an evil or misguided person. I won't rub off. I'm not a dangerous person to associate with...unless you find kindness, love, and intelligence negative traits, in which case I'm deadly."

Talk About Religulous

Oh, but that is exactly what I'm waiting for...

Currently Listening To

Friday Video(s): F*ck No, Fabio

For those of you that missed the YouTube War between Fabio and The Old Spice Guy, here are some delightful snippets...


Umm... did he say the old Old Spice Guy (aka my future husband) is not handsome AND is gross to my eyes???


BAH-HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Not even dude.


I bow at your feet, my One True Love Besides Johnny Depp.


This one really is funny. I cannot stop watching the smoke bombs and laughing my ass off.


Happygasmic sigh...

Note To Self: Get Married Again. Immediately.

It's About Damn Time

You know what? I actually feel sorry for this LDS Bishop who is facing criminal charges for not reporting the sexual assault of a teenage girl in his Ward. Not because he was right in doing so, or because I see him as a victim who shouldn't be held responsible for his actions, but he was just doing what he was told to do by the higher ups.

I'm sorry, but I call a loud and resounding bullshit on the statement "The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints has zero tolerance for abuse of any kind and is extremely proactive in its efforts to protect children and heal victims from this societal plague." Gotta love how the Mormon church's PR machine kicks in and says whatever sounds the very best when it gets in any degree of hot water. I know that there are many, many church leaders that feel that way and handle reported abuse appropriately by believing, supporting and protecting the victim while turning the perpetrator over to systems that are already in place to deal with the necessary consequences and, hopefully, rehabilitation.

Unfortunately, more often that not, the victim is blamed, chastised, told to repent and remain silent while the abuser is absolutely protected by the Good Ol' Boys Club. My best friend growing up was assaulted by an ex-boyfriend - and she was brushed aside by our bishop and told that the church would handle matters. The dude was merely shipped off on his mission saying that he would be fine once he was away from her as she was the problematic temptation. I have heard countless stories like this throughout the years.

The bishop in question here looks nice enough and may have reacted differently if it was his daughter that had been assaulted. But, as with so many other things going on behind the scenes in Mormonland, enough is enough. It's only going to be cases like this that will wake up all the other unpaid, untrained, generally well meaning church leaders to step up and do the right thing - if for no other reason than they are afraid of facing what this bishop is now facing.

And the dudes running things here in Salt Lake? Time for them to realize that those [of us] that have been abused will no longer tolerate the code of silence, being brushed aside, dis-believed, or the protection the priesthood holding perpetrators.

And, I am so incredibly proud of these parents for not rolling over and playing dead. Their belief, support, anger and action are a gift their daughter will carry with her the rest of her life and set the stage for how she will allow herself to be treated until the day she dies. Bravo.

Stoopid State Laws: Georgia & Hawaii

Okay, so in Georgia...

The term “sadomasochistic abuse” is defined so broadly, that it could possibly be applied to a person handcuffing another in a clown suit: Wow, that’s pretty wild & crazy there, Georgia. Good thing I live in Utah where I can legally live out all my S&M, handcuffing a missionary to a yak in a nun’s habit, fantasies.

All sex toys are banned: Georgia, you put on your dunce cap and go sit with Alabama in the corner.

It is illegal to use profanity in front of a dead body which lies in a funeral home or in a coroners office: So that means I have to drag Myrtle’s dead body out into the street to tell her what I think of her? Sweet. (Seriously weird law – like a dead body gives a shit.)

Donkeys may not be kept in bathtubs: What if Georgia and Arkansas went nuts and lifted their weird animals in bathtub laws? Donkeys and Alligators together in bathtubs is just the entertainment my life is missing.

No one may carry an ice cream cone in their back pocket if it is Sunday: What kind of a dumb-ass would carry an ice cream cone in their back pocket? Don’t they know that’s what bras are for? I love that it’s only on Sunday – like it’s some affront to God or something.

All citizens must own a rake: And a whiffle bat.

Adult bookstores may not sell alcohol: Ha! Could you imagine, drunken porn shopping? Those stores would make a killing.

Massage businesses may not sell alcohol on the side: Drunken massages. Even better.

If you want to read your favorite book in public to your friends, do it before 2:45 AM: I’m dying to know what happens at 2:46 AM whilst I continue to read Flint to my friends in the town square.

Goldfish may not be given away to entice someone to enter a game of bingo: Oh, how desperately I want the back story on this one.

It is illegal for one to make a disturbing sound at a fair: First of all, what is your definition of a disturbing sound, Georgia? Secondly, fairs are pretty much overflowing with all things disturbing so I don’t see where me making fart noises while riding the Tilt o’ Whirl is really cause to haul my ass to jail. It’s not like I did it while handcuffing a clown to the carnie operating the thing.

Meanwhile, the only laws listed for Hawaii are...

Billboards are outlawed.

All residents may be fined as a result of not owning a boat.

Coins are not allowed to be placed in one’s ears.

I’m calling it right now - Hawaii wins the Coolest State Ever prize.

Ernie & Bert - It's Official...

...They are just friends.

Even I (who still marches in the Big, Fat Gay Marriage Parade) think this is too much. Sesame Street is Switzerland, people - not a platform for forwarding political agendas.

In the name of Elmo, Amen.

Friday Video: Ode To Joy

I Triple-Dog-Dare you not to have Happygasms while watching this...

Frankie Says Relax

My daughter and I just got back from several days at a cabin in Yellowstone with family. Usually I am quite good at making the world go away and relaxing when I have the moment to do so. But, this time? Not so much. It may have been the 10 children, 5 of which are under the age of 4, all running around with plastic swords, fake pocket knives, sticks and jars of that farting gooey play-dough - screaming and crying and getting sent to Time Out every 7 minutes. I adore my cousins, the big and the small, but all the chaos didn't exactly send me drifting into a blissful hammock meditation - which, truth be told, at this stage in my life is the vacation I fantasize about. Endlessly.

But we played, laughed til we peed, ate ridiculously large amounts of food, floated the Snake River and saw a hole-in-the-wall production of "Dirty Rotten Scoundrels" at the hole-in-the-wall Playmill Theater. And I had delicious Sugar-Free ice cream with ground dark chocolate and cashews. I thought life without sugar would be un-livable. Turns out - not so much. I feel amazing and thank the Gods daily for organic Dark Chocolate.

Anyway, relaxing is not really my forte these days but it's not always due to stress and it's accompanying anxiety. It is also due to excitement. Such wonderful things are happening in my life professionally - my book is finally coming out this fall, Facing East is moving forward - however slowly, I just finished shooting a pilot for a new series on the Oprah network that I was chosen for (details on what it is and when it will air will be yours as soon as they are mine), and we are having a great deal of fun Shebanging.

I will continue to breathe deeply and meditate daily. And, I will beg shoulder rubs from every freaking friend that is willing to put out but I don't really want to relax right now. Relaxing right now would feel like relaxing near the end of a relay race that I have been training for my whole life (speaking specifically of "Dancing With Crazy") when the finish line is in sight.

No way. It's time to sprint because, Baby, this one is mine!

Talk About Religulous: The Doggy Debate

This Brilliant exchange between two churches, located across a busy street from one another, almost makes me want to become Catholic.

Almost.

Happy Sabbath, Internetland!

Friday Video: I Cannot Stop Laughing Long Enough To Come Up With A Proper Name For This One

Oh my, Gawd - run Megan. Run for the hills!!!

Currently Listening To

New Shebang Post

Ugly People Fucking

Rumpology

Also known as Buttology. Huh. No more referring to yourselves as "Ass Men" guys - now you're all Rumpologists. Where do I sign up for that certificate???

Wonder what my freshly bleached, tattooed, be-dazzled, flowered and ballooned rump says about me? Certainly not moody and shy.

Emily vs. The Elders: MILF & Cookies

Another totally-entertaining-unto-me Facebook exchange between myself and The Elders, after posting that I was going to start My Own Religion.

Emily: I'm going to need missionaries...

Elder Price: We would love to be your new missionaries. You need to get together with our new prophet Elder Cunningham and maybe we can combine it with out new Church we just started, The Church of Elder Arnold Cunningham of Latter-day Saints. Love your new ideas!

Emily: Looks like we may have a new Nephite / Lamanite competition going on here. Sweet!

Elder Price: Ok. But we get to be the white and delightsome ones.

Emily: Oooooo... that's exactly how I wanted this to play out. Let the games begin...

Elder Toady: Wait, which one does that leave me with?

Emily: Your choice, Elder. Guaranteed the white-n-delightsome ones won't have MILF and cookies.

Elder Toady: I want whatever one comes with a MILF and her cookies.

Emily: Jump aboard, Elder. That's one for the Emily-ites. ;-)

Elder Price: Elder Cunningham - Help!

Emily: Too late, Elder. [Insert evil laugh here]

Elder Toady: Quick Elder Price - perform a emergency baptism!

Emily: Like you guys can compete with my cookies... ;-)

Elder Toady: I know I can't. I am going to stop pretending.

Elder Price: Don't make me use my Harry Potter Priesthood on you Emily.

Elder Toady: Elder Price, show her your wand so she knows your serious!

Emily: Bring it, Baby. Sounds like something I'd seriously enjoy. ;-)

Elder Price: I will have to anoint you first with by SECRET not SACRED Consecrated oil!

Emily: I have my secret, magical potions and lubrications too, Elder.

Elder Price: WHOA! Where is our great prophet Elder Cunningham - I don't know if I can handle the great wittiness of an Emily-ite by myself.

Elder Toady: Like Lion-o and the Thundercats Elder Price, calls on his friends in gods army when he needs help!

Emily: You seriously think that I'd bat an eye at being tag teamed? Please.

Elder Price: WHOA!! I am Elder here! - What have I gotten myself into! I am going to have to call down the Wizard Moroni by the Powers of Grayskull! I Have the Power!!!

Elder Price: The Power to Give In to Tempation!

Elder Price: Temptation that is!

Elder Toady: Elder Price, your so flustered its hard to spell! Same for me!

Elder Price: This reminds me of a girlfriend that was a very bad influence on me. She always wanted to play a game called "Deity Free Room" where we could do whatever or say whatever we want and no Deity would listen or look in on us.

Elder Price: Well I found out it did not work and I almost allowed it to happen again!

Emily: Give up, Dude. You're mine.

Elder Price: Fine, I will just tell everybody I was forced into it like that new Tabloid movie or whatever it is.

Elder Price: But I will enjoy it! ;)

Emily: You bet your sweet name tag you will!

Elder Price: Promise you will carve your initials in the back?

Elder Toady: Sin happens, but you can repent and be forgiven!

Elder Price: I will never forget this day.

Emily: Baby, I will engrave your plates too.

Elder Price: I have a pair of brass plates.

Elder Toady: Can we hide the plates after? And just use some paper?

Elder Price: Well I have to get back to Missionary work. Our mission president told us that if somebody will not give in to what we are saying, just move on to the next one. But I will be back when you are ready Emily!

Elder Price: Can I have my name tag back now?

Elder Toady: I will stay with her, just to keep a eye on her until you return.

Elder Price: Well if you have to keep your Eye on something, Emily is a good choice. Eye candy!

Emily: You want your tag back? I guess. Just make sure you wash it off.

Emily: End scene.

Elder Price: OMG(osh)

Elder Toady: This was my first scene!

Elder Price: I have no come back

Emily: Seriously, you hand me a last line like that and expect me to not run with it???

Emily: Welcome to the big time, boys! ;-)

Elder Price: LOL - Never let me into your mind! I will need a serious brainwashing.

Elder Toady: I feel like a big toad in a small pond. I never saw the big time until now!

Elder Price: Till Next Time!

Emily: Or a giant mental condom.

Elder Toady: Wait, did you say metal?

Elder Price: OK YOU WON!

Elder Price: Let me go you evil woman.

Emily: YEY!!!!!!!! Of COURSE I did. Because I have money. And you can buy anything in this world with money. Including wit.

Elder Toady: How did she get so good?! She must have been born this way.

Elder Toady: You paid a bunch of people to think up your funny stuff?! Why didn't I think of this?!

Emily: Go. Run. Be free. I release you. For now.

Elder Price: Thank You (Elder Price leaves the room shaking his head and defeated) Bye

Elder Toady: ‎(Toad notices Elder Price left his name tag and one of his socks)

Emily: ‎"Next?"

Elder Price: ‎(don't care)

Elder Toady: That wasn't fair. I need to start with easier opponents.

[Later]

Elder Price: Dear Journal: We lost a battle with a Emily Pearson that lives at 89 Wine Court while tracting. The name of the street should have tipped us off. Wrote in the Mission Area Book about what happened and for future missionaries to stay away. Spirit told me to remove the note because it would only entice more Elders. May Heavely Father have mercy on their souls. -Elder Price, July 27th, 2011

Emily: Oh, sweet Elder Price... I would say I'm harmless, but I think we both know better.

Elder Price: My problem is I broke rule seventy-two and did not have Elder Cunningham with me. He is way better at making stuff up. Also we will give you a blessing to turn you into a lesbian. That will make you stop coming after us... I think.

Emily: Good luck with that. And, no. It wouldn't.

Elder Price: What are you going to do if we send the Sister Missionaries?

Emily: Dress them up in Emily-Wear and have them join me in your endless torment.

Emily: And, give them my secret cookie recipe.

Elder Price: How did I get sucked into this again?

Emily: Sweetheart, those that don't learn from their mistakes are doomed to repeat them.

Elder Price: Lesson Learned

Emily: Two. Elders: Zero.

Shebang Video: Three Girls In A Shower

A fan dared us to shower together on film - no doubt hoping for soft lighting, slow motion soaping and porn music. This was our response...
Sexy, huh?

Friday Video: Making A Difference

Visit msnbc.com for breaking news, world news, and news about the economy

New Shebang Post

Warren Jeffs / Joyce McKinney Smackdown

Ask Shebang: Trouble At Work

Emily vs. The Elders: In The Bathtub

So, a couple weeks ago, after posting The First Shebang Bathtub Video on Facebook, the following exchange occurred between myself, Elder Price & Elder Cunningham (from Broadway's The Book of Mormon Musical) and a few dudes.

Thrilled to be handed the much longed for opportunity to finally toy with some Elders!

Elder Price: Looks like you have the font and water. Let us know if you need Elder Cunningham and I to come baptize you fine Sisters.

Elder Cunningham: They are a really hot shade of white...

Emily: You Elders drag me back into that church and I will kill you with my bare hands. But you're both welcome to come over anytime for some... MILF & cookies.

Elder Cunningham: We have changed a few things. You might have to gird up your loins and join us here in Uganda!

Elder Cunningham: Bring your friends!

Emily: You gird up your sweet loins and join us in the tub!

Elder Cunningham: You ladies are gonna be wet with salvation!

Emily: Ooooo... Sweetie, you really want to go there???

Emily: Holding to the iron rod did always have that effect on me...

[Silence]

Emily: Aww... Elders, are you giving up on me that easily?

Dude #1: I would like to lay on hands and give you the Second Anointing – it’s required for your exaltation - ha

Dude #2: I'm happy to fill in on that MILF and cookies offer if they've given up. lol

Dude #3: My Seer Stones just turned blue.

Dude #4: Why is there only one set of wet footprints across that bathroom floor Lord?

Dude #1: LOL

Elder Price: I have never turned down MILF & Cookies before but then again nobody has ever offered before. Thank you Emily! We would still love to come baptize you sisters so you can be doused by Heavenly Father.

Dude #1: Nothing wrong with feeling the touch of the masters hand.....

Elder Price: A fun game I like to play is add "in the bathtub" after the name of a Hymn: Hold to the Rod in the bathtub; Abide With Me in the bathtub; As I Have Loved you in the bathtub; Come, Come ye Saints in the bathtub, etc.

Dude #1: Families can be together forever in the bathtub; School Thy Feelings in the bathtub; Now Let Us Rejoice in the bathtub; The Spirit of God Like a Fire is Burning in the bathtub; High on the Mountain Top in the bathtub; Come Ye Children of the Lord in the bathtub...

Dude #5: Behold I c... quickly (forgive me)

Dude #4: I heard him come…

Dude #6: This whole comment thread has made my day! Thank you!

The good Elders had no more to say on this particular thread.

Emily: One. Elders: Zero.

The Whole Shebang: The Wind Between My...

Talk About Religulous