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Talk About Religulous

Now THAT'S what a girl loves to hear...

Friday Video: Wax On, F*ck Off

Wax On, F*ck Off with Ralph Macchio from Ralph Macchio

Product Of The Month: Star Whores, The Darth Invader

BAH-HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

And... Ouch.

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Last Moments In My Own Private Idaho

Good Lord, I am busy. Not that I'm complaining, mind you. Incredibly exciting things are happening. But, they're happening all at once so the juggling act has reached epic proportions. My day job during the day; final edits on Dancing With Crazy at night; The Whole Shebang (ridiculously amazing things with that - details as soon as I can give 'em) also knocked out on nights & weekends; shooting a pilot for a major cable network (again, details given when I am no longer under contract to be silent); raising money for Facing East ; this past weekend I attended the Utah Entertainment & Choice Awards then ran down to southern Utah to MC the 1st Annual Equality Celebration held there; still teaching acting classes; dating a man that makes me incredibly happy; and tending to all my million and one single mommy duties. I don't think I've seen a single friend that isn't involved in some aspect of my work since last fall.

Sigh.

All that having been said, I am ever-so-grateful for those of you that have continued to check in with this blog - even though I have chosen to merely entertain with Stoopid State commentaries and funny videos and photos. This has been, yes in part, to my busy schedule - but, more honestly, because (as I wrote a while ago) these are my last few months of blessed anonymity. I get that I am not exactly anonymous at this point - but it's nothing compared to what lies ahead with the release of my book. My guts will, once again, be splayed for all to see, scrutinize, enjoy, judge, hate... Many will appreciate it and many will crucify me for it. Oh, well... It is what it is. I'll hunker down with my friends and my Popcorn and weather the storm.

In the meantime, thank you for being patient while I hide and enjoy my last months of privacy.

In a few months... Oh, Internetland - the party we are going to have!

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Friday Video: Polygamist Gangsta Rap

Currently Listening To

Did She NOT See "The World According To Garp"???

Internetland - please, oh please tell me that you heard about this woman that rear-ended a pick-up while shaving her coochie. On her way to a date. While her ex-husband steered. I was all set to write a funny post mocking the hell out of her - but this writer did it so well that I am just re-posting hers instead. Celia Rivenbark's article was so damn funny that I Looked Her Up. Looks like someone I would enjoy reading while summer cocktailing in a hammock. (A girl can at least dream of that kind of time, can't she?)

Enjoy.


Driving and Shaving Not a Very Good Combination

By Celia Rivenbark
McClatchy-Tribune News Service

By now I’m sure that most of you have heard about the Florida woman who caused a two-vehicle wreck because she was shaving her bikini area while driving.

Guess that makes the time you drove with your elbows while eating a Whopper seem downright virtuous, doesn’t it?

Florida Highway Patrol troopers said the car Megan Barnes was driving crashed into the back of a pickup truck at about 45 mph. Her reaction time was slowed down because she was too busy grooming her hoohah to pay attention to the road. Oh, like that’s never happened to you?

Ms. Barnes told the investigating officer that she was on her way to a date and “wanted to be ready for the visit.”

Yes, she wanted to look her best. All over. Except, well, we’ve seen Ms. Barnes’ mug shot and she appears to have a face that would stop a clock and raise hell with small watches, bless her heart. To be blunt, I don’t think a perfectly groomed love rug could possibly make that much difference.

It could’ve been worse, I suppose. Ms. Barnes could’ve been waxing her bikini area as she drove along in her T-bird (Yes, fun, fun, fun til the po-lice took her T-bird awaaaaaayy) on those scenic bridges. Imagine the horror if she’d tossed the used wax strips out the window. The manatees might have tried to adopt them.

Hons, I’ve driven on this particular stretch of highway between Miami and Key West and it’s flat-out beautiful with crystal blue water, gorgeous mangroves and cloudless skies.

Not once have I been so bored that I decided I’d rather drag a sharp blade over my nether regions just to have something to do.

There are so many “You might be a redneck if” elements to the story of Megan Barnes, but my favorite is that, while performing this extremely personal grooming ritual, she asked her EX HUSBAND to steer the car so she could concentrate (“Help me out, Buford, I’m gonna make it look like a LIGHTNING BOLT!”)

What a guy! Not only did he hold the steering wheel so she could concentrate on primping for her big date with ANOTHER MAN, but when the cops arrived, he tried to switch places and claim he’d been driving.

Trouble was, he had burns on his chest from the airbag that had deployed on THE PASSENGER SIDE ONLY. Oops.

To no one’s particular surprise, the Highway Patrol quickly discovered that Ms. Barnes didn’t have a valid driver’s license. Oh, and, the day before, she’d been convicted of DUI and driving with a suspended license. Oh, and her car had been seized and had no insurance or registration. Oh, and she was on probation. Oh, and SHE’S A FLIPPIN’ LUNATIC!

Albeit an impeccably groomed one.

Blogger Was Out Of Commission On Saturday, Therefore We Missed...

National Orgasm Day!!!

I celebrated the day. 3-4 times. And, behold, I called it good.

In the name of Pamela Anderson, Amen.

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Friday Video: A Man Experiencing Childbirth

So Damn Entertaining. Bless his heart.

Stoopid State Laws: Connecticut

Okay, in Connecticut:

It is illegal for fire trucks to exceed 25mph, even when going to a fire: What the hell kind of dumb-ass law is that? A firetruck driving a snail's pace along those 3ft wide windy roads - what's the point? Seriously. The firemen may as well just ramble on out of bed, slug down the stairs - completely ignoring their oh-so convenient Speedy Stripper Pole, grab a cold beer and some Hostess snack cakes and watch a movie in the truck on the way. In the meantime the neighbors can gather around the burning building and attempt to put out the fire with their spit.

You can be stopped by the police for biking over 65 miles per hour: Okay, so why don't the firefighters just ride bikes instead? If they can bike up to 65 miles per hour but can only drive 25 - wouldn't that make sense? They can rig a wagon of gear up to their bikes and ride like the wind. Shirtless. Hell, that would make me consider moving back to Connecticut.

Only white Christmas lights are allowed for display: Holy crap! When we lived there I thought it was charming that all the houses only had white lights at Christmas time. Had I known it was because Big Brother Burgermeister Meisterburger didn't allow it, I totally would have covered myself in colored lights and run naked through the town square.

You may not educate dogs: Well sure. If dogs are educated they might get uppity and start demanding things like bigger hydrants, cleaner parks, tastier food, the vote and fair and equal treatment under the law. Plus they would start having their own reality TV shows, which would be totally awesome. I bet Dixie-Bell and Georgie-Girl would totally give Snookie a run for her money.

In order for a pickle to officially be considered a pickle, it must bounce: Ding, Ding, Ding! I think the Moose pushing going on in Alaska finally has some competition! Yes, pushing a live moose out of an airplane is an incredible visual - but pickles add humor to literally any phrase or situation. (I am adding it to the list - along with lips, pants, butt and pig.) Plus, the thought of the unbearably uptight residents of Connecticut tossing pickles hither and yon attempting to make them bounce is freaking beautiful. Will it plop or will it bounce? The suspense is KILLING me!!!

It is illegal to dispose of used razor blades: So what you're saying is the dwellings of Connecticut residents house jars filled with used razor blades? They are collected? Hoarded? Displayed? The mother of one of my friends when I was little used to collect the family's nail clippings. Yep. A large jar filled with years of finger and toe nails sat on the back of their toilet. All together now... Ewwwwwwwwwwww!

It is illegal for a man to kiss his wife on Sunday: But only if you first lob a pickle at her and it doesn't bounce.

It is unlawful to walk backwards after sunset.

You aren’t allowed to cross a street while walking on your hands.

An arcade may not have more than a total of four amusement devices such as ping-pong tables, pinball machines, or shuffleboard tables.

Silly string is banned.

It is illegal for any beautician to hum, whistle, or sing while working on a customer.

So, basically, the last five laws confirm what I suspected when I lived there. In Connecticut it is illegal to be happy or to have any kind of fun whatsoever.

However, that fact is totally made up for by the shirtless, pickle hurling firemen.

Jump On In - The Water's Fine. I Promise.

Happy Mother's Day, Internetland

SHE...

CELEBRATE HER PASSION...
She loved life and it loved her right back.

CELEBRATE HER WISDOM...
She listened to her heart above all the other voices.

CELEBRATE HER PRIORITIES...
She pursued big dreams instead of small realities.

CELEBRATE HER RESILIENCY...
She saw every ending as a new beginning.

CELEBRATE HER SELF-ESTEEM...
She discovered her real measurements had nothing to do with numbers or statistics.

CELEBRATE HER TENDERNESS...
She was kind, loving and patient with herself.

CELEBRATE HER ACCOUNTABILITY...
She woke up one day and threw away all her excuses.

CELEBRATE HER SPIRIT...
She realized that she was missing a great deal by being sensible.

CELEBRATE HER GOALS...
She turned her cant's into cans, and her dreams into plans.

CELEBRATE HER INDEPENDENCE...
She ignored people who said it couldn't be done.

CELEBRATE HER MAGIC...
She had a way of turning obstacles into opportunities.

CELEBRATE HER FAITH...
She went out on a limb, had it break off behind her, and discovered she could fly.

CELEBRATE HER SELF-RELIANCE...
She discovered that she was the one she'd been waiting for.

CELEBRATE HER PRESENCE...
She added so much beauty to being human.

CELEBRATE HER FRIENDSHIP...
She walked in when everyone else walked out.

CELEBRATE HER RADIANCE...
She just had this way of brightening the day.

CELEBRATE HER WARMTH...
She made the whole world feel like home.

CELEBRATE HER CHOICES...
She decided to enjoy more and endure less.

CELEBRATE HER FREEDOM...
She decided to start living the life she'd imagined.

CELEBRATE HER OPTIMISM...
She colored her thoughts with only the brightest hues.

CELEBRATE HER BRILLIANCE...
She was an artist and her life was her canvas.

CELEBRATE HER BRAVERY...
She ran ahead where there were no paths.

CELEBRATE HER JOIE DE VIVRE...
She crossed borders, recklessly, refusing to recognize limits, saying bonjour and buon giorno as though she owned both France and Italy and the day itself.

CELEBRATE HER STRENGTH...
She held her head high and looked the world straight in the eye.

CELEBRATE HER COMPASSION...
She not only saw a light at the end of the tunnel, she became that light for others.

CELEBRATE HER JOY...
She designed a life she loved.

CELEBRATE HER DARING...
She took the leap and built her wings on the way down.

CELEBRATE HER HAPPINESS...
She said bye-bye to unhealthy relationships.

CELEBRATE HER AUTHENTICITY...
She remained true to herself.

CELEBRATE HER...
She made the world a better place.

Friday Video: How About We Punch Gary Instead?

But... This totally makes up for it!!!

Plea Bargain Advertising - Gary's Mattress - watch more funny videos

Stoopid State Laws: Colorado

Okay, in Colorado:

Tags may be ripped off of pillows and mattresses: Ooooo, right off the bat I’m thinking I like Colorado. They’re my kid of wild & crazy, throw caution to the wind, living on the edge kind of people.

Keeping a house where unmarried persons are allowed to have sex is prohibited: And… they just lost my affection. BOO. Come on, Colorado, isn’t one Utah enough?

Persons may not urinate in public: Duh.

It is illegal to permit ones llama to graze on city property: Growing up in Walnut Creek, CA. I had a friend whose family owned llamas. One time they got loose and ran around the BART station. It was awesome.

Establishments which sell alcohol must have enough lighting to read text inside them: I’ve always found that alcohol is best purchased and consumed in total darkness. Turns regular old Happy Hour into a daring game of mystery and suspense.

Throwing missiles at cars is illegal: And bad form, I’d say.

Catapults may not be fired at buildings: I love that someone did this – causing a law to be passed.

Couches may not be placed on outside porches: Can we have this law everywhere? Please?

The dog catcher must notify dogs of impounding by posting, for three consecutive days, a notice on a tree in the city park and along a public road running through said park: Don’t the dogs already know they’ve been impounded? Is posting it on trees supposed to shame the dogs into staying off the streets and out of the pool halls?

It is unlawful to lend your vacuum cleaner to your next-door neighbor: Weird. And, rude. Unless...

It is illegal to ride a horse while under the influence: Wait, which one of us can't be drunk?

It is illegal to bring your horse or pack mule above the ground floor of any building: What if my pack mule promises to lay off the Tequila so she doesn't puke in the elevator like last time?

It is permissible to wear a holstered six-gun within city limits: Now we’re talking! Except on Sunday, Election Day, or holidays: Damn. Those are the only days I really feel the need to pack heat with my spurs a clankin.

Nice try, Colorado. Not quite Stoopid enough.

Next?

The Joey Diaries: Square One

I know - you've all been losing sleep wondering how the Training of the Spaz is going. Not good. And, Joey's not winning any awards either.

Geralynn's first instructions were, basically, to let him know who's boss. To make him eat food out of my hand before giving him the bowl. Now, Joey is one that likes to play with his food. Literally. He will stare at his bowl for a minute then smack it so hard the food scatters all over the floor. Then he will eat the kibbles one by one. So, when I only allowed him to eat the first bite from my hand he looked at me like "WTF Lady?" Then he'd take one, drop it on the floor, look at me again - clearly gloating at his cleverness, then eat it. So I began picking up the dropped piece of food while he was mentally mocking me and put it back in my hand before he could eat it off the floor. He soon gave in to my dominating ways. Success.

She encouraged me to lie him on his back and talk to him in a strong voice. Check. He loved it. Now it's turned into our favorite activity. I lie him down, dominate him, then scratch his belly and nuzzle and kiss his little neck. Sounds like me and my current Sexy-Loving-Man-Friend.

But, I soon realized that the more I showed him who was boss the needier he became. He followed me every-freaking where I went (which I don't really mind because he is the sweetest little guy) and started whining, then screaming, whenever I left. Yep - Joey screams like a little girl. A high-pitched scream-squeak-bark. It's the funniest thing. Except when it isn't.

And then came winter. And he decided to no longer be house trained. He is small and it is cold and the giant mounds of snow are not anymore pleasing unto him than they are to me. So our house became his toilet (even directly after being walked - like he was saving it just so he could get back inside faster and let loose where it was warm.) Incredibly rude. So, he is now gated in the kitchen, which he hates. Oh, well. And we both miss him sleeping in his bed at the foot of mine - but, again, oh well. And winter is not my best friend either and I am ridiculously busy and, therefore, I stopped even attempting to train him. Or myself. So, we are back where we started.

Except he is needier and screamier.

Awesome.

Captured Moment: The Stains Are Only Minimal? I'll TAKE It!