As Long As He Enjoys His Death, It's All Good

My son is playing in a Lacrosse tournament this weekend and I just had to sign the following waiver:

I understand that the dangers and risks of playing or practicing to play or participate in Lacrosse include, complete or partial paralysis, brain damage, serious injury to all bones, joints, ligaments, muscles, tendons, and other aspects of the muscular skeletal system, serious injury to virtually all internal organs, and serious injury or impairment to other aspects of the body, general health, and well being. I understand that the dangers and risks of playing or practicing to play or participate in Lacrosse may result not only in serious injury, but in a serious impairment of future abilities to earn a living, to engage in other business, social and recreational activities, and generally to enjoy life.

WTF??? Seriously, how is a mother supposed to sign something like that?

I'm pretty sure I had to sign the same thing when I was registering to play this game of life as well.

What the hell was I thinking?

Currently Listening To

Friday Video: Pray For You

Love this!!!

I'd like to dedicate this to the one for whom every four letter word was created. You know who you are. Truth be told I miss you - and truth be told I'm lying.

Captured Moment: Oh, How I Love Cirque du Soleil

A friend just sent me this photo from the Zumanity Cirque de Soleil Show and I had to share with all of you. Isn't it beautiful and romantic? I love her bra. I want her bra. It's, for sure, my favorite thing about this photo.

Thinking I totally need to see this show. Or not.

Friday Video: Dennis Quaid Is Here!!!

For those of you that don't watch Ellen, which I'm guessing is most of you, she periodically has celebrities do her bidding with Candid Camera type segments. This is the first one she had Dennis Quaid do for her.



I have always liked Dennis Quaid - his smile is ridiculously awesome - and that first one makes me giggle. But, this next one has officially landed him a place in my Harem (which I just re-read and seriously need to edit and update.)



Also incredibly funny: David Beckham.

Kitschy B-Film Festival: Barbarella

OMG. Barbarella Psychedella. Who knew???

How have I never seen more than a few clips of this before now? Seriously, I thought I'd had Happygasms in the past. But, until yesterday, I didn't know what a Happygasm was. Holy Shit. The premiere screening of my little glee-filled film festival was a smash success of ridiculously epic proportions. I cannot remember the last time I had that much fun and laughed that hard.

Where to even begin? The opening credit sequence; the music; the wardrobe changes of wonderment (I now know what I am going to dress up as for Halloween - for the rest of my life!) ; the hairy men; the flying men; the creepy children; the carnivorous dolls; the naked extras; the after sex humming; Professor Ping with the shot glass stuck to his head; the interior of the spaceship made entirely of Snuffleupagus; the way she kept tripping and rolling about helplessly... I could go on and on and on. This film is freaking BRILLIANT!!!

My personal favorites: (#1) The Excessive Machine - don't think for a second that pleasure organ is not going immediately to the top of my Christmas Wish List. (#2) The Exaltation Transference Pellet - which I thought sounded like a boring as hell substitute for good old fashioned sex until Barbarella and Dildano took one. The subsequent hair curling was magically delicious. (#3) The name Dildano. (#4) The Giant Hookah from which one can smoke The Essence of Man. Hell Yeah!!!

Best lines:

"You mean they could still be living in a primitive state of neurotic irresponsibility?" This is SO going on my headstone. "Emily Pearson. She lived her life in a primitive state of neurotic irresponsibility."

"Let me adjust my tongue box." My new favorite pick up line.

"Make love? What do you mean? You don't even know my Psycho Cardiogram." My new favorite shoot him down line.

"My name isn't Pretty, Pretty. It's Barbarella." I am changing my name. From now on I want you all to call me Pretty Pretty Pearson.

"The energy cables are shrinking. You've turned them into faggots!" Oh, Honey, have I been there.

The best review came from Juiceman who, I think it's safe to say, speaks for the whole group:

"Barbella is a tender contemplation which highlights the expansive search for spiritual good, both searching the larger confines of the galaxy whilst delving deep within the caverns of one’s soul. The subtle, albeit potent idiosyncrasies of the narrative stand to shatter preconceived duties and unite the crippling weight of expectancy. But more importantly, the film had boobies in it, a lot of boobies, a lot of really nice boobies. Boobies."

And there you have it. We will try our best to find a film that tops this one but I highly doubt such a thing exists. The bar has been set.

Kitschy B-Film Festival

Have y'all noticed yet that the stupider and more bizarre something is, the more I love it? Well, in my never ending quest to entertain the hell out of myself, I have decided to pay homage to my deep love of all things Kitsch and start my very own little film festival featuring the goofiest, worst-therefore-best, B movies I can find. Some friends are coming over this Sunday for the kick off, which is...

[Drum Roll...]

Barbarella: Queen of The Galaxy, starring Jane Fonda.


And you're all invited to join in. If you have the time and the insane inclination, run out and rent it. Watch it on Sunday and tune in for reviews on Monday.

I'm so excited I could pee.

Friday Video: Backin' Up

This made me so damn happy. Love her! I usually hate these lame YouTube videos that are re-made into songs. But this one is hilarious and well done.

Watch this one first...



Then this one.



Happy Weekend, Internetland.

A Bouncing Baby Bieber

Okay, I am officially old.

Justin Bieber? Seriously? I mean, he's darling and all but girl's are screaming and crying and throwing themselves at... a fetus. I don't get it. I see him and want to either Swaddle & Bottle him or put him in a Johnny Jump Up and swoon over how damn cute he is. Sexy? Seriously? The kid's got bubble gum cards and entire magazines devoted to him. "Peek inside my bedroom" teases the newsstands. He's a freaking teenager. What could I possibly want to peek in his bedroom for? I have teenagers - I know what their rooms look like. No thanks. That is one sneak peek that I am happy to pass on. And you want to know why? BECAUSE I AM OFFICIALLY OLD.

And because those peeks and teases and shout outs are not meant for me. They are meant for the other fetuses. Fetuses that live at the mall and cream and faint and turn Elvis-Fan all over Baby Bieber. Fetuses that have never even heard of Andy Gibb or any of the other heartthrobs that covered my bedroom walls a million and a half years ago. They may know who Rob Lowe is but I guarantee NONE of them look at him the way I did when I was 15.

An entire movie? Really?



Maybe one day I'll get it.

It will be like Zac Efron. He was just that cute little guy from High School Musical until my friends and I had a Girl's Night Out and saw 17 Again. Holy shit. He came on screen and our eyes flew out of our heads, jaws dropped and we shifted in our suddenly warm seats - all mouthing simultaneously,
"When did Zac Efron get hot???" Check him out. Damn. (Okay, for the record he is, like, 24 - which totally makes him Fair and Legal Game.) Maybe it will be like that. One day I will turn around and there he'll be. Baby Bieber all grown up. And I'll say, "Damn! When did Baby Bieber get hot???"

Of course, by then I will be in an old folks home and won't even remember that I once had a Harem - let alone be able to add him to it.

What a horrible thought.

But, seriously, look at him laying back on his bean bag all Rico Suave-like, begging me with his eyes to... what? Make him do his homework?

Dammit. I am officially old.

Captured Moment: Ewwwwwwwwww!

Friday Video: Kick His Ask

She is, quite literally, my hero.

Brilliant

Once again, a freaking brilliant comment by Melinda:

"I don't know why so many Mormons feel threatened when something about the church is horrifying, mean, untrue, etc. I wonder why it doesn't bother my testimony at all. I think maybe its because I see the church the same way I see families... as a group of people who are trying and messing up all the time but making a little progress and doing a lot of good things with help from God. I guess some people see the church as something God is micromanaging and offering to the world rather than something a group of people are working out and offering to God (with his help of course--like families.)"

I guess some people see the church as something God is micromanaging and offering to the world rather than something a group of people are working out and offering to God. That line stopped me in my tracks. Oh Melinda, I have to say it again - this is why you're my very favorite Mormon and why I am so glad that they have you. Knowing that you are there just being yourself, and that there absolutely are Others Like You, gives me hope for, not just the evolution of the LDS church, but the evolution of all of us.

Popcorn

Speaking of evolution: Knowing that I am committed to not wearing my Angry Woman costume anymore and knowing that starting later this year, and continuing on for who knows how long, The Hateful Cow Club will be mooing louder and uglier about me I have decided to adopt the attitude of a good friend of mine. He recently said, "Wow…this should be an interesting ride. I’ll have to grab some popcorn and see how it all plays out." Of course, he was referring to my love life - but the same can be said for the rest of my existence as well.

I'm going to print out the above picture to keep on my desk as a reminder and "Popcorn" is my new catch-word. The word to keep me on track; to remind me to never take anything, especially myself, too seriously; and to not take the Hate Bait but to just grab some popcorn, kick back, be entertained by it all and just see how it all plays out.

In the name of Martha Beck, Amen.

Hillbilly Proof

Okay so, big fat surprise, my Ex-Mormon Video caused a bit of a stir and gave several faithful and righteous individuals the opportunity to scold, judge, condemn me, and rip me apart. I was very careful to not bash the LDS church in any way but, rather, to share a mere 2 minute and 20 second snippet of a very long, very complicated personal life story. Have I bashed the church? Absolutely I have. Was I bashing it in that video? Nope. Not even close. That is not what that video series is about. Hell, they think that was bashing? They clearly didn’t read this blog during Prop 8.

All I did was state a few, very minor, things that had been my own personal experience growing up. I am stunned (but not really) at how many people came out swinging with, “No, you didn’t!” “No, they didn’t!” “No, we don’t!” “That’s not true!” I am “inaccurate” about my own experience? Excuse me, but how the hell do you know? Were you there? That’s like someone telling me that when they were little they were in a car accident and then, because that thought frightens me, having me scream at them that they are making it up, lying, deceived, crazy…

Whatever.

I stopped giving a shit about what The Hillbillies think of me a long time ago. I have a glorious life to live that they cannot comprehend in their wildest dreams.

[Note: I am NOT saying that Mormons are hillbillies. People are hillbillies if they behave and think like hillbillies and some of them happen to be Mormon. I am also not saying that people that hate me are hillbillies. People are welcome to hate me all they want – just, please, hate me for good and intelligent reasons. Little people have my permission to hate me. I have totally earned it.]

I was recently having a conversation with a friend who is a very active member of the LDS church. And she was complaining to me about how her fellow members react if anyone dares to voice that they are struggling or questioning their faith in the least little bit. That is probably the biggest issue that Ex-Mormons have with those that still believe. The moment there are questions, and those questions are voiced, doors are slammed. The moment one shares that a testimony has been rocked they are ostracized. One in a million members will actually say, “Wow, that must be so scary… How awful for you… I am so sorry, what can I do… I can’t even imagine what that would be like or what I would do…” The rest reject and label as dangerous and sinful faster than you can say CTR.

Do you have any idea how incredible it would be for someone who is struggling to hear those words? To have someone even try to understand? To have someone check their agenda at the door and listen for real, and empathize for real, about what is going on? About how terrifying it is? Because it is terrifying. More than they can imagine. And that is why they avoid us like the plague. They are so frightened of that happening to them that they bury their heads in self-righteous condemnation and hide behind the belief that we “obviously never really had a testimony to begin with.” Really? I never really had a testimony? Yes, I did. A BIG FAT ONE. The LDS church and my faith in God and Christ were absolutely everything to me. And that is what terrifies them so much. If I really can have a solid testimony and not do one thing to jeopardize it (ie: drink, have sex outside of marriage, look at porn, read anything that even smells anti-Mormon, stop paying tithing…) then they can too. And that thought is inconceivable and cannot, will not, be tolerated. Therefore, I am a liar and they are truth bearers. I am deceived and they are enlightened. I am to be pitied and corrected and they are just the ones to do it.

Whatever.

God, just imagine what they’re going to say when Dancing With Crazy is released. The shit is going to hit the fan. And, again, I will be a crazy, pathetic, misguided, dangerous, truth-impaired woman.

Whatever.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. They will never understand – I’m not even going to try and make them. It doesn’t matter to me. They don’t matter to me. The earth is not flat and I am done eating the vomit.

Actually the only comments that didn’t make me throw my head back laughing were the variations of “Well, let’s just see how things are for her in the next life.” Really??? You know how things are going to be for me in the next life??? You know my heart??? You know why I am on this planet better than I do??? You know the relationship I have with my Creator??? Are you really that arrogant? You actually have the audacity to sit back and smugly judge what my experience has been while I’ve been in this body and what it will be like when I am out of it???

Whatever.