Currently Listening To

Friday Video: Ellen's Best Bad Paid-For Photos. On Crack.

The photos here are priceless. But, I gotta say, that the Entire Time I was watching this, I kept hoping and praying for a giant anvil to drop out of the sky and crush contestant #2.

Happygasms Where I Least Expected Them

Last night I attended my daughter's Jr High School orchestra concert where a professional musician named Aaron Ashton (who I believe is a friend of her teacher) performed to raise funds for the school's music department.

Holy shit.

Once in a while we are fortunate enough to see someone perform that takes what they do to a whole new level. Someone who has become so skilled and so out of this world perfect that it seems the most effortless thing ever done and leaves you breathless and gaping - jaw dropped. That was what last night gifted me with. I seriously needed a cigarette when this guy was done playing.

To see an orchestra full of kids playing along with that level of talent and to see my beautiful daughter and her cello get swept up in the gorgeous music (she also got to sing with him) was priceless. The video below (not from last night and, unfortunately, poorly shot) is them performing my favorite song of the evening.



Check him out. His album "Split The Difference" is really incredible. If you ever get the chance to hear him and his band play, jump on it. You will be so glad you did.

Yey, public school! They step up once in a while.

Stoopid State Laws: Arkansas

Okay, in Arkansas...

The Arkansas River can rise no higher than to the Main Street bridge in Little Rock. Okay, well I definitely think this is a good idea - sounds like they are taking their flood control seriously. But, it also wins them the Most Arrogant State Award [thus far.] Putting laws into place to control what? The river? The rain? The Gods of weather? Yeah, good luck with that.

A law provides that school teachers who bob their hair will not get a raise. Sounds like Warren Jeffs is one of them there law makers. What's wrong with bobbed hair??? That squeaky clean, controlled, uptight, little-girl-hair-do-on-a-grown-up just too damn wild fer yer yungins?

A man can legally beat his wife, but not more than once a month. Well, sure. More than once a month would just be exhausting. If you don't conserve your energy, you'll never get around to raping your cousin. Can't have that.

Oral sex is considered to be sodomy. But it's not. Well... unless it is. Maybe Kleatus ain't too educated on anatomy and what goes where. I guess with enough moonshine in his belly one never knows where his wife beatin' tongue might end up. This one is totally bugging me because, seriously, it's not.

Alligators may not be kept in bathtubs. Kill joy.

No one may “suddenly start or stop" their car at a McDonald’s. Well, sure. That would just throw the universe into a tail spin and we would never again know how many have been served. Seriously?

Dogs may not bark after 6 PM. Again, gotta love them thinking they can put laws in place to control the uncontrollable. How the hell is this one enforced???

Flirtation between men and women on the streets of Little Rock may result in a 30-day jail term. Wow - fun place to live. Except... we know what flirting leads to. Maybe Kleatus isn't the only one who doesn't know what goes where. In public. Maybe these folks know what they're doing with this one.

It is unlawful to walk one’s cow down Main Street after 1:00 PM on Sunday. Okay, I get it. This one totally explains the law against flirting. I think that there is more going on there in Arkansas than meets the eye. And I'm thinking that maybe the livestock do deserve a break for a few hours once a week. And I'm thinking I never want to go to Arkansas. Ever.

Lame laws. Not a single one involving a Moose. Alaska is still the winner.

My Newest Obsession

Oooooo... I'm in love, I'm in love, I'm in love. Enjoy.

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Guest Blogger: Simmer Down

By Denise Hamblin

It has been interesting to watch the reaction to my friend Emily’s “I’m an ex-Mormon” video – both on the website and in the messages I have received from friends.

I will admit, my first reaction was a little on the defensive side – that’s my nature, I defend those I love and care for without much pause. This characteristic has often been attributed to my Italian heritage. If that is the case, my grandma didn’t carry that gene because a more Christ-like person you will never find than her. Now, the defending those you love certainly comes from her.

Some reactions reminded me, again, how often, even under the name of Christ, we are so far from Christ-like. Accusations have been hurled and assumptions have been made about Em simply because she has the courage to say “the Mormon church is not right for me.” I have read her words over and over again, I have listened to her words over and over again, and never once did I hear her say that the Mormon church is full of shit and every active Mormon is an asshole. She was simply telling her story because it needs to be told. Just as she sat in silence, slowly dying because the church simply did not provide what HER soul needed to grow and flourish, there are others who are feeling exactly the same thing. Thank God, they can find some hope in Em’s words. Her words might just be the thing that saves them.

I know it was for me. It took someone who had the courage to show me that there was a place where MY soul could flourish. A place where I could discover what God expected from ME. It doesn’t have to look exactly the same for every person. I have also learned that there are many whom I love who have found that same peace within the church. And I am so glad it works for them.

Think of how many ways you can get home from work, school, the store, etc. There are sections of each route that are unique to that journey and there are sections that cross over with another path. Honestly, it doesn’t matter which route I take, what matters is that I get home. Isn’t that the point to this place called earth? It doesn’t really matter how we do it, it only matters that, in the end, we end up there together – and we can raise the beverage of our choice in the air and cheer the fact that we did.

When you sit down to a clean sheet of paper and a new box of crayolas, which color do you grab first? Now, imagine only being able to use that one crayon. How long would it take before you wished for another color? Are there some crayons you never use? Do you find yourself wondering who in the hell would ever like Sepia? But God recognizes the beauty found in each crayon that makes up his box with the built-in sharpener. Our responsibility is to stand up straight and make room for everyone. And Em, you will always be the Razzmatazz in my world.

Cool. I've always wanted to be someone's Razzmatazz. Can I be your Razzle Dazzle too?

Yakety Yak

A lot of opinions being expressed about my video on the I Am An Ex-Mormon website.

Apparently I am full of it (cause Mormons are the bomb.com) and am a lying, bashing, very confused individual that should seek some help because I obviously didn't get very much love as a child.

Huh. Good to know.

I'd like to refer y'all to the quote at the top of this blog. "For those who understand, no explanation is needed. For those who do not understand, no explanation is possible." I would never in a million years expect anyone to understand me.

Unless, of course, they do.

In Case You Hadn't Heard - Because I'm So Shy And Quiet About It...

(The frozen expression on my face totally makes me giggle.)

Check out the official website: I Am An Ex-Mormon.

Friday Video: "Shots!"

Does it get better than this? Nay. Oh, Pee-Wee - how I have missed you...



Not to be forgotten: The Original Pee-Wee "Tequila." Oh, he was so damn cute!

Stoopid State Laws: Alaska

Okay, in Alaska...

Moose may not be viewed from an airplane.What, so if I'm in an airplane and just happen to look down and spot a moose, the moose police are going to, what? Handcuff me to my teeny, tiny seat? Give me a Time Out in the teeny, tiny bathroom? Not give me my teeny tiny bag of peanuts? Make me drink that teeny tiny, nasty-ass can of water, or worse, that stuff they call orange juice? Push me out the door? Take me to Alabama and flick boogers at me?

While it is legal to shoot bears, waking a sleeping bear for the purpose of taking a photograph is prohibited. Well, damn. I always like to jostle a sleeping bear to get that hilariously spontaneous photo to post on Facebook. Now what do I do?

It is considered an offense to push a live moose out of a moving airplane. Bah-hahahahahahahahahaha!!! I'm thinking this wins Alaska the award already. WTF???

No one may tie their pet dog to the roof of a car. But it's still okay to put the kids up there, right?

Persons may not live in a trailer as it is being hauled across the city. Well, where's the fun in that?

Clowns beware! This is all the law stated. Gotta say, I'm a little scared.

It is considered an offense to feed alcoholic beverages to a moose. I'm totally moving to Alaska. There is a ton of awesome moose-play going on up there.

Owners of flamingos may not let their pet into barber shops. There are flamingos in Alaska??? This one is almost as good as pushing the moose out of an airplane. Almost. But, not quite. Pushing a moose out of an airplane... Bah-hahahahahahahahahaha!!!

One may not roam the city with a bow and arrows. Just try and stop me.

Persons may not allow “attractive nuisances” to exist. So, why the hell is Sarah Palin still alive?

Okay, so far Alaska is the winner - even though the Governor of Alabama is campaigning hard. I think the moose in the airplane thing has him worried. It should. That can't possibly be topped. Can it?

I tell you, I can't wait to find out...

She Rant #7: Waaaaay Too Much Information!!!

I was recently reminded of one of my biggest She-Peeves. Women telling other women, in vivid detail, about their man's private parts. Seriously???

I cannot tell you how many of my friends - not to mention, women I hardly know - have dropped the TMI bomb on me before I have time to plug my ears, scream, "La la la la la la la!" and curl up in a ball under my desk. Really? You really think that I need, or want, to know that your husband has a really low hanging scrotum, one ball, small penis, penis discolored a certain way from circumcision, crooked penis, purple polka-dot penis, or anything at all about his penis???

I do not, repeat - DO NOT, want to know anything about the junk belonging to your husband or boyfriend. I think this is such an incredible violation of your relationship. And I don't want to hang around him knowing that his balls touch his knees or that he curves to the left. Not that it makes me uncomfortable, it's just that he's not my guy - it's none of my business.

The only sort-of, kind-of, maybe exception is if your guy is large. Fine. He has a big dick. Bravo. I have no problem with the brief advertising of your circus pony and most guys I know that have Mr. Ed living in their pants actually prefer that information be passed around. It's like people knowing he owns a Lamborghini - not really something he's looking to hide. (Which is weird because, honestly, for us women... Never mind. Penis size. Maybe a post for another day. Or not.) But that's it! That's all the information I need. He's big. End of story. Keep shape, texture, color, and all other identifying information to yourself. I am begging you.

Women are really weird about this - somehow not understanding how boundary impaired and beyond inappropriate it is. Ladies, men get pissed about it for a reason. And, no, they don't do the same thing. Guys DO NOT sit around talking about the fact that your right boob is bigger than your left, the size of your clitoris, how your V-Jay-Jay looks, or the color and length of your vaginal stretch marks. Could you imagine how you'd feel if they did??? Horrified, right? IT'S THE SAME FREAKING THING!!!

I have actually warned my son about this - just so, when he is older he can lay down ground rules with girlfriends and wife. And you better believe that my daughter will be schooled in the ways of relationship boundaries, privacy and loyalty.

Can't believe it took me so long to bitch about this. Seriously, Ladies, I don't want to hear it and he doesn't want me, or anyone else, to know it. If you still insist on divulging then I give him full permission to tell his friend about your crooked nipple and low hanging labia.

It's only fair.

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She Rant #1: Sister Suffragettes
She Rant #2: What Is Wrong With This Picture?
She Rant #3: From Where I Stand
She Rant #4: The Toilet Seat
She Rant #5: Having Our Cake
She Rant #6: Cougariculous

Friday Video: 3 Year Old Jonathan Conducting Beethoven

Talk about being Freak of Nature Talented. Oh, the rapture...

Remember when life was like this? When you experienced the things you loved, and were good at, this vibrantly? This completely? This blissfully?

No? Please try.

When was the last time you threw yourself into something you enjoy this much with all your heart and, when you were done, threw yourself on the floor and laughed out loud in complete and utter satisfaction and joy?

How about today?

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Who Let Kuzin Kleatus In That Thar Votin' Booth?

Okay, so my post on sex toys being illegal in Alabama got me wondering about other dumb-ass laws upheld in our most Hillbilly-friendly states. Holy crap, turns out every one of our freaking United States has the most ridiculous and, I must say, beautifully hysterical laws. And, being the Patriotic Poster-child that I am - I am going to mock each and every one of them. The states not the laws. No one has THAT much time...

Alabama:

Incestuous marriages are legal. True story: My dearest male cousin D. and I lived together before getting married. To other people. During his annual temple recommend interview, our bishop came to the question about sexual purity, looked D. gravely in the eyes and said, "I have to tell you that this living situation with you and Emily really concerns me. She's a beautiful girl, you're a good looking guy. You never know what could happen in a moment of weakness." D, trying not to vomit on the desk, said, "Bishop you do realize we're first cousins. My dad and her mom are brother and sister." The embarrassed bishop replied, "Well, I guess I can discontinue this line of questioning, can't I?" Don't think for a second that we don't, on occasion, still run toes up and down one another's shins and screech in our best Pee-Wee Herman voice, "I'm feeling weeeeeak..." Ewwwwww... Legal incestuous marriages. Barf. No offense D, but in the land of For Real nothing could make me feel that weak. But, just to be safe, we should stay out of Alabama. They outlaw sex toys. I'm just sayin...

Bear wrestling. It is illegal to wrestle a bear. Dammit. That is my favorite activity - second only to Formicophilia. Look it up. No, don't. It's gross. And I am just kidding. I don't actually like bear wrestling.

It is illegal to wear a fake mustache that causes laughter in church. Bah-hahahahahahahahaha!!! Totally awesome! Why didn't I think of doing that when I was a church goer?

Putting salt on a railroad track may be punishable by death. There are hefty jail sentences for theft, assault, rape, drug trafficking but this they'll kill you for. How 'bout just a little pepper?

Boogers may not be flicked into the wind. Well, duh. Kleatus really needs to be told not to do this? Oh, yeah - he married his sister. Utah is looking better all the time.

It is illegal for a driver to be blindfolded while operating a vehicle. Ya think?

Men who deflower virgins, regardless of age or marital status, may face up to five years in jail. So a woman can NEVER EVER EVER get deflowered in Alabama? Their only options are lesbianism and Vegas. Sweet.

Stupidest State Award? Granted, it is the first one, but so far, Alabama wins by an inbred, booger flickin, mile.

Friday Video: Reh Rer Into Your Heart

Searching For The Difference

I've been doing a bit of research lately on the effects of childhood sexual abuse. The internal wreckage that is left for the victim to spend a lifetime cleaning up is enormous and affects nearly every aspect of the survivors life. I came across a list of some of the lasting effects. They include:

Anxiety
Fear
Shame
A sense of inadequacy
Anxiety
A lasting perception of self as victim
Identification with the aggressor
Loss of opportunity to normally play and learn
The opportunity for normal growth and development
Lack of self esteem and self worth
Trust issues
Intimacy issues
Lack of control over his/her body
Loss of normal loving and nurturing
Lack of safety and security

As I read this list one thing that really struck me was how incredibly similar the lasting effects of sexual abuse are to the lasting effects of, what I consider to be, abusive religious teachings about sex - in particular the Mormon Church's teachings (or similar teachings of any conservative religion) about homosexuality.

I vividly remember how my virginal little self felt about sex after all the squeezed out orange object lessons in Young Women's; all the Standards Night / Law of Chastity firesides; and all the Don't Dry Hump Sunday School lessons taught by bishops to kick off every new semester at BYU. Every attempt at making me abstain from pre-marital sex also instilled me with dread, fear, shame, guilt and I had never even come close to being petted - let alone poked. I read over the above list and identified several issues that I had to work hard to overcome that were a direct result of what I was taught in church.

How much worse is it for gay kids growing up with those lessons? Exponentially. They get the same guilt, fear and shame instilled but they also get pummeled with the "unnatural, sinful, vile, perverse, against the laws of heaven" bullshit. How much more crippling is it for them? How much harder do they have to work to be sexually healed and whole? I would venture to say that a gay Mormon could check off every item on that list.

Emotional and Spiritual SEXUAL ABUSE. The methods may be different, but the effects and fall out are frighteningly similar.

So, is there really a difference between Boyd K. Packer sexually crippling young gays from the pulpit and Uncle B. Pervy sexually crippling young children in the basement?

You tell me.

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Battle Cries Of The Sexually Dysfunctional: Part II
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Happy New Year Of Possibilities

Why not...?