Prettier Personal Private Area: a.k.a. The Christmas Miracle That Is Anal Bleaching

[Shebang Re-post]

Okay, I am usually NOT the last one on the Up To Date Train (and, no I had not seen “Bridesmaids” yet) so when I had a glass of wine last week with girlfriends and the conversation turned to anal sex (as most lovely, backyard, summer evening, heart to hearts do) and the subject of anal bleaching came up, I thought I had died and gone straight to comedy heaven.

Seriously??? We’re bleaching our buttholes now???

I raced home and immediately looked it up. Bleach Bum.com (clever title – I’ll give ‘em that) “Anal bleaching is one more way Hollywood celebrities try to stay younger. While rectal bleaching isn't for everyone, some people are interested in maintaining a youthful look...everywhere.” Hollywood celebrities are bleaching their assholes in an attempt to stay younger and get those prime, highly competitive, starring roles? I am sooooo calling bullshit on that one. I cannot imagine Jennifer Aniston and Sandra Bullock turning their “chocolate spiders” into vanilla crème puffs in an attempt to keep younger actresses like Amanda Seyfried from stealing their jobs.

I’m sorry, the only “celebrities” where this would have anything whatsoever to do with casting would be those of the porn variety. Case in point: Tabitha Stevens, the porn star in the video below, has had 6 boob jobs, 3 nose jobs, an under the nose implant, cheek implants, Botox & Collagen injections and has had fat transferred from her legs to her face. SHE has her butthole bleached. What does that tell you??? Porn stars are the ONLY people whose buttholes are on public display in broad daylight.

For the rest of us civilians who occasionally, while playing the game of sex, enjoy landing on Anal Play Island does it really matter? We know poop’s occasionally involved. We read the book. Everyone Poops. Yeah, we’re up to speed - we know where poop comes from and what freaking color it is. Now, on top of everything else, we’re supposed to obsess over “anal staining?” Good Lord.

I’m with Chelsea Handler. If a guy shows up at my door with anal beads and a flashlight, I’m like, what’s with the flashlight? Honestly, no one is looking that closely.

Bum bleaching is even being marketed to Bachelorette parties. Come on. Really? “Oooooo Debbie, let me see yours… Damn Karen, your rectum looks amazing! Not fair, Shelly’s is WAY cuter than mine...”

I laughed about it all week. But then I re-watched this video...



The statement “You don’t get a second chance to make a first impression” really hit me. What if the color and appearance of my rectum really does matter? What if, at first meeting, people really can tell that, not only do I still listen to Air Supply on 8-track tapes, but my back gate has NOT been painted white? What if I am the only one of my friends – nay, the only woman my future boyfriend has ever slept with, that still has a normal, human butthole? I will be undone!

If it’s that important then, dammit, I’m doing it too. But, Honey, I ain’t stopping at bleaching. I AM going to bleach it, tattoo it, affix it with jewels and stick a bouquet of flowers and a small Mylar balloon in it. Top that.

Who’s looking young now, Bitch?