Stoopid State Laws: Arizona

Yes, I am aware that I did these out of order. Alphabetically, Arizona does come before Arkansas. Duh. Welcome to me and my own stoopid state.

Okay, In Arizona...

Hunting camels is prohibited. What is with states and their goofy animal laws? Not that they shouldn't have laws to protect animals but, camel hunting? In Arizona? Really? What, are camels just roaming the dunes threatening the dwellers of Mesa and Phoenix? Yeah, don't hunt them - saddle 'em up and ride 'em around.

Any misdemeanor committed while wearing a red mask is considered a felony. So, you're saying that I can tip toe around on private property wearing nothing but a tangerine mask with lime polka-dots and get a slap on the wrist, but if I shoplift a whoopee cushion or bag of Funions while wearing a red mask I'm getting locked up. That totally sucks because everybody knows crimes are only fun when committed while wearing a deep red mask covered with sequins and feathers. Now what's the daughter of a gay man supposed to do for sport? Stand outside the gates of Temple Square in a tutu and play "It's Raining Men" on the bagpipes, I guess.

Donkeys cannot sleep in bathtubs. Oh, yes they can!!!

It is illegal to manufacture imitation cocaine. But I'm still okay making the real stuff, right?

When being attacked by a criminal or burglar, you may only protect yourself with the same weapon that the other person possesses. What kind of a dumb ass law is this??? Seriously, I am being attacked by a man who has a knife but because all I have on me is my pearl handled machete and my giant can of pepper spray disguised as a Charlies Angels thermos, I am not allowed to defend myself? That's crap, Arizona. Crap.

It is unlawful to refuse a person a glass of water. Well, rude certainly. But, unlawful? Maybe if you're wearing a red mask at the time of refusal.

You may not have more than two dildos in a house. Oh, hell no. I am crying a big, fat Just Say NO To The Man on this one. Only two dildos??? That's not even humanly possible.

Cards may not be played in the street with a Native American. What if I offer her a glass of water first?

If you bother the cottontails or bullfrogs, you will be fined. Well, sure. Only the Native Americans are for bothering. Duh.

No more than six girls may live in any house. Excuse me? Sorry Brother and Sister Johnson, your sixth and seventh daughters must be sold to the gypsies. Sucks to be you.

A decree declares that anyone caught stealing soap must wash himself with it until it is all used up. Totally awesome law.

An ordinance prohibits the wearing of suspenders. I agree. Suspenders are lame. Especially the rainbow Mork from Ork ones I wore in 6th grade to hold up my bell bottomed Dittos and bright yellow Chemin de Fers.

No one is permitted to ride their horse up the stairs of the county court house. How about their camel?

It is illegal for men and women over the age of 18 to have less than one missing tooth visible when smiling. I can't even figure out what this one means. Seriously.

Women may not wear pants. Okay, you asked for it...

Okay, while Arizona at least allows two dildos, which is better than the complete ban in Alabama, it still is not the winner. A donkey in a bathtub did make me laugh out loud - but not nearly as loud as the live moose being pushed from an airplane. Alaska still wins.