Happy Halloween Internetland!

Friday Video: Homemade Implants

A More Perfect Union

Oh, how I Love this. A Taiwanese woman "uninspired by the men she has met" has officially married herself. There was a ceremony, honeymoon and everything.

One of my favorite monologues to do for auditions is always a woman who is attempting to register for gifts for herself even though she is not getting married. I think that this just sounds like sheer bliss. Not because I don't need or want a man in my life. I do. And, it's not because I am uninspired by the men I meet. I meet and date incredible men all the time (ever since getting my Man Picker fixed. )

[Side note: I actually had to take a moment just now to have a serious head-party to celebrate the fact that I have not dated one asshole since being demolished by the granddaddy of them all 4 years ago. That is HUGE for me - as my romantic diet up until then consisted almost entirely of men that I allowed to commit emotional and mental homicide.]

No, I have incredible men in my life - just haven't yet found my perfect fit. Friends often ask me if I don't want to grow old with someone. Yes, without question I do. Myself. I lived the majority of my life completely disconnected from my little stranger of a self. But, I am now in full possession of ME. I am finally head over heels in love with ME. I figure if I grow old with ME - then I am good to go. Would I like a partner to share life with - especially as I age? Sure. But, until he comes along and we sweep one another off our collective feet - I can imagine nothing better than having a commitment ceremony with myself and going on a honeymoon trip somewhere exotic completely alone.

In fact, I think that every single person should first be introduced to, and fall in love with, themselves; have a ceremony solidifying their commitment to themselves and experience taking a vacation totally alone, thoroughly enjoying their own company, before they are EVER allowed to commit to another person.

Despite my reservations, I support marriage - of both the gay and regular varieties. But, Self Marriage? Now, that is a train I can jump aboard without reservation.

Stemware

So, last summer I had dinner with some friends. At some point in the evening it was discussed that a certain male guest had recently gotten rid of all but, like, three and a half pieces of his stemware. This, of course, baffled me because (A) While I’m a recovering pack rat, I cannot imagine getting rid of something so lovely and practical that one will surely need in the future. (B) My religious upbringing was deeply rooted in the belief that one saves and stockpiles in preparation for the Millennium. Jesus comes back - you better believe he's coming over to turn my water into wine. And that party will require some seriously cool goblets. And (C) I kind of have a thing for stemware and can't imagine getting rid of it no matter how many times I move or get divorced. Not that I have amazing stemware – nor do I have an amazing collection of sexy shoes – but, in my head, I have oodles of both. And a killer Margarita machine. And a Dove chocolate fountain next to my bed.

But I digress…

I ran into said dinner-friends more recently at the Equality Utah Allies Dinner. Somewhere between those two encounters it was decided that I would blog about Stemware. Totally random. But also totally cool as it allows me to mix it up and has not one thing to do with Homosexuality or Mormonism. Thank God.

Stemware. Where, oh where, does one begin? First of all, when drinking wine the kind of stemware you use really does make a difference. I, of course, thought this was complete bullshit until I had dinner at Rivers and the Sommelier gave me and the friends I was with a very cool, private wine tasting party. He had us taste the same wine in different glasses and there was a marked difference in flavor. Riedel glasses, I believe, are the best. And cost a lot more than the funky ones from Pier 1 – which are way better to serve at a party where glasses get broken all the time. That way you won’t hate drunk cousin Dumb Ass for breaking an $80.00 glass when she decides she must sing from atop the piano that you don’t own – you can just hate her for being a dumb ass.

Stemware. Good.

Lipless glasses. Very good.

Huh.

That’s all I got.

Okay, that’s not at all true. Years ago when I was in a show at Connecticut Rep – a friend in the dressing room told me that her boyfriend told her she had perfect martini glass tits. This meant that her tit fit perfectly into a martini glass. I remember thinking that martini glasses were far too pointy to be proud of that fact but that it was way better than fitting perfectly into a champagne glass.

From that day on, every time I see a martini glass I want to put my boob in it.

The End.

Best Quote I've Heard In A Freaking Long Time

"Religion is like a penis. It's great to have one, it's fine to be proud of it. But please don't take it out in public or rub it in my face. And please, please don't shove it down children's throats."

Amen.

Friday Video: I Love Him Almost As Much

Is it Friday already??? Gotta love how I write posts wondering if I
ever want to get married again when I hardly have time to date - let alone be in a relationship - let alone live with anyone - let alone get married...

I guess I'll get around to that round about the same time I can finally garden and watch porn.

Sorry Internetland. Apparently someone put a scratch-n-sniff at the bottom of the pool of my life. Will someone please take their foot off my head?

Friday Video: Free Running

This is exactly how I want to go through Life. Not kidding.

Kindling My Enthusiasm

Okay, so, admittedly, I used to think that electronic books were lame. That they were the only way authors that couldn't get a "real" publisher got their books out. And they didn't look good. And they didn't cost what real books should cost. And they were... well... lame.

Enter: The Internet. It has changed the world of publishing (and music and films and medicine and...you name it.)

This summer I was doing some research on book publishing and couldn't believe how much, and how rapidly, things are changing and evolving. I was stunned to read that Barnes & Noble is pretty much up for sale. Small independent bookstores have been closing for years - due to, not only the big Mega-stores like Barnes & Noble but, discount stores like WalMart and Costco. We consumers love to go into Barnes & Noble to get coffee and hang out and browse all the pretty books - but how many of us actually buy enough books there to cover costs? We see what we want to go home and order for less money on Amazon. So, it may be even buh-bye to B&N. Sad. But, I guess, unavoidable.

Enter: Digital Publishing. Exit stage left: Traditional publishing.

Great article #1
Great article #2

Spotlight: Center stage on the Kindle. I just got one and I have to say I AM IN LOVE. Totally and completely. It is compact and can hold more books than my giant oak bookshelves. I can curl up on my bed, read a book, then order the next one (for less money than it's printed version) and start reading without once upsetting my perfectly tucked in, ridiculously cozy, blankets. If only it could rub my perfectly tucked in feet and feed me chocolate - it would be the ultimate night-in companion. Well, actually...

Never mind.

Times, they are a changing. I think that we will always have printed books but they will be limited editions of books that do really well electronically or that we buy directly from authors when they speak and teach somewhere out in the real world. Other than that it looks like publishing is all pretty much going digital.

Go getcherselves a Kindle, Internetland. You'll be oh-so glad you did.

E-books. Not lame after all. Who knew?

HRC & Utah Leaders Deliver 150K Petitions to Mormon Church

Friday Video: Mrs. Betty Bowers - Less Is Mormon!

HELP NEEDED: Best of Homo/Momo Blogs

Hey Internetland, I need your help. For a project I am working on (details later) I am looking for the best blogs written thus far on the topic of Homosexuality and the Mormon Church. Believe it or not - both view points are desired. (Mr. B, you still out there?) For this particular project, I don't care if they support or do not support the LDS Church's position on "The Gay" - I just care that they are well written.

Please leave suggestions and links as comments on this post.

THANK YOU. BLESS YOU. LOVE YOU.

Getting All Twitterpated

No idea why it took me this long to join the Twitter Party. Can this still be considered fashionably late?

Don't Eat That - It's Icky

Yesterday was General Conference for the LDS church. Yesterday Elder Boyd K. Packer got up and spewed out the same old, out dated, ignorant and hateful vomit that he and countless others have been poisoning all-who-will-listen with for decades upon decades.

And we are eating it up.

We are ranting and raving on Facebook and blogs and emails. We are outraged. We are crying for change. Seriously? Change? This is BOYD K. PACKER we’re talking about. Guys, the man ain’t gonna change. EVER. We’ll see giant nipples on Mt Rushmore before we see a change in Packer’s attitude about anything – let alone homosexuality. Why are we even surprised? It’s not like this is his first time at a pulpit. We knew there would be some kind of fall out from Marlon Jensen having the audacity to actually state publicly that he was sorry for the pain caused to gays and their families by Prop 8. I can only imagine what was said to him behind closed doors by Packer and Monson. Of course something had to be done and Packer was just the man to do it.

Isn’t the definition of insanity doing the same thing over and over expecting different results? Conference comes twice a year – like clockwork. The same men get up and say the same things. Why the hell are we surprised? Why do we keep expecting them to change? They are not going to – we are the crazy ones for expecting them to.

We want change? Well then what the hell are we going to DO about it? May I make a few suggestions?

(1) Stop being surprised at anything said by the leaders of the Mormon Church. And stop eating up what they say – even if it’s to rant and rave. Remember that cute little story I posted a while ago about the woman in an eating disorders clinic that kept throwing up, baking and re-eating her own vomit? Do I really need to say more? Stop eating The Brethren’s old vomit. It doesn’t taste good.

(2) Stop being victims. Stop begging for their approval. Stop thinking that their validation is needed for ANYTHING. It’s not. For those of us that truly believe that they are just some old men doing their jobs, and not very well, stop hanging on any word they say at all. If you start to feel the old fear and intimidation creep in, wave your magic wand and repeat after me: “You have no power here. Be gone – before someone drops a house on you!” And then smack them in the head with your ruby slippers.

(3) Walk away. For God’s sake, if you are among those that no longer believe I beg of you have your name removed from the records of the church. It will have more of an impact on your mental and emotional health than you know. And it sends a much needed message. Once you have walked away, don’t look back. Go. Be free. Live a happy life in the sunshine.

(4) If your soul feels called to make a difference for the gay kids still being harmed by the church they are trapped in then do so from a place of strength and power. Reach out. Be a role model. Give them enough love to carry them to a place where they can one day choose healing and not death. You want to speak out? Great. Be noisy for the kids. But, again, do it from a place of authority and power NOT smallness and neediness.

(5) If you are gay, COME OUT, COME OUT, COME OUT!!! Stop hiding. Your presence in this world as a wonderful gay person is part of the solution.

Guys, it’s just plain old time to be bigger than they are. Their fear and ignorance are getting in the way of them being the love that the Jesus they believe in taught them to be. Be bigger. Be better. Be happier. Be the change you want to see in the world. Laugh more. Love more.

And, above all else – stop eating the vomit. I beg of you.