No Thanks, I'm Waiting For The Gary Coleman Prayer Bead Thong

Are you freaking kidding me??? A Saint Michael, OUR LORD OF MYSTIFYING BRILLIANCE, Prayer Candle???

I think I just wet myself.

In case you can't read this, it says: Oh, Saint Michael, I pray for even once facet of your crystalline talent. You dazzled the world with your showmanship, and changed the way music is part of our lives. Bless me with your generosity of spirit; to forgive those who wrong me and to share my gifts with the vulnerable. You warned us you were bad (really, really bad) and human nature being what it is, many believed it. But I return again to the innovation and energy of your creativity, and beseech you for the strength to follow my heartfelt passions. Grant me the courage to embrace the child within and remain playful in the face of paranoia. Allow me to enjoy the paradox of being beloved and reviled, adored and misunderstood. And, if it's at all possible, give me a way to dance my way into history. Amen and Sha'mone!

Ask me how badly I want one of these next to the photo of me and Jesus bowling.

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Friday Video: Beauty Is Nothing Without Brains

I Love Blond Jokes. Love them! How can you tell if a blond is having a bad day? How do you drown a blond? What's the first thing a blond does when she wakes up? How does a blond turn on the light after sex? A blond, brunette and a redhead walk into a bar...

My very favorite ones are not repeatable on a blog my mother reads. But they are awesome. Trust me.

Have a great weekend Internetland. (By the way - can anyone help me figure out what this tampon is doing behind my ear? And, where the hell is my favorite pencil???)

Persnickety Pickle Pants - For Real

Is it seriously Thursday already? I am blog-sucking again. Okay, that didn't come out the way I intended but it is just too awesome a sentence and visual to correct. You know what I meant...

So, my cousin decided she was going to design children's clothing. I didn't blink an eye. As crass as it sounds, cousin Corinne craps creativity. (She should probably also think about selling seashells by the seashore.) When I learned that she was calling her company Persnickety Clothing Co. I jigged a mighty jig. She is Persnickety, I am Hullabaloo. Happygasmic words exist and all is well in my world.

And then I saw the clothes. They are, seriously, the cutest clothes you ever did see (yes, even cuter than the cutest little penis you ever did see.) Now, I am done having children. For real. But, these clothes actually make my uterus sit up and scream, "Come to Mama!"


I want to dress the entire globe in them. (They actually do have a Buy One Give One program - for every item sold, they donate a beautiful dress to a third world country.) Hell, I want to wear them myself. I am aware that actually doing so would be odd and somewhat pathetic. Things delightful in Kidland don't always translate in Adultworld - like my friend's son who went with us to the health food store with his entire head covered in tin foil. On a four year old it is hysterical. A man does the same and we're all steering our children away from Uncle Pervy and his helmet of shame.

But, come on, how fabulous would I look sitting on the bar, shooting Tequila, in this outfit?

Why We Made 8

The opening of 8: The Mormon Proposition is underway. In theaters. On Demanded Video. DVD to follow. Some critics love it. Some not so much. Some of those that didn't like it raise some valid points and are allowed their own opinions regarding the artistry and way the documentary is crafted. Others are complete imbeciles. I don't really give a shit. To me, the film does exactly what it set out to do: (1) Deliver a powerful punch to a very deserving bully (2) Give voice to countless individuals who have been hurt, often beyond repair, by that bully.

Many still don't get it. Many still disagree. For me, it is summed up flawlessly in an email I just received from one of my very most favorite friends:

I just saw yer movie yesterday and am still freaking out about how fucking awesome it was!!! My family threw a birthday dinner party for me immediately following my seeing it and I had no idea how I was going to go and sit through an entire evening with people who belonged to such a horrific organization. But you know what?!?! THEY asked ME to tell them about the movie and we spent the entire evening discussing the issue...you know what Em...(tears filling my eyes) without this movie, I would have NEVER known how my family felt about this issue. I couldn't believe that all the way from my 'football-jock' brother in law, down to my own mother, the feeling was UNANIMOUS that the church was out of line and how disappointed they were about what had happened.

Em, I can't even BEGIN to tell you what a monumental event this was for me and my family. I could have easily been any one of those suicide interviewees on that film as our family dynamics drove me to that point as well. And now, here we are discussing one of the most controversial issues between our two worlds and AGREEING?!?! It was a modern day miracle and I have you and your amazing crew to thank for it!

Like with Goodbye, I Love You, No More Goodbyes and Facing East - hearts and lives are being healed. And that, my friends, is ALL that matters. That is what makes having lived through it all completely worth it.

8 Opens Nationwide In Select Theaters This Weekend

Yep, it's finally time!!! 8:The Mormon Proposition opens tomorrow in select theaters and VOD. This is the latest info I have but CHECK YOUR LOCAL LISTINGS as dates, times and theaters have been changing. Here in SLC there will be Q&As at The Tower. I will be there Sunday and (a big, fat maybe but not at all for sure) on Friday.

Enjoy! Lemme know what you think.

June 18, 2010:

Atlanta- Landmark Midtown Art Cinema
Boston- The Coolidge Corner Theatre
Chicago- Gene Siskel Film Center

Dallas - Angelika Dallas
Ft. Lauderdale - Gateway

Honolulu - Kahala 8 Theatre
Houston - Angelika Houston
New York City - Village East Cinema, Chelsea Clearview

Los Angeles- Laemmle’s Sunset Five

Palm Springs- Camelot Theatres
Scottsdale/Phoenix - Harkins Camelview 5

Salt Lake City – Tower Theatre
San Diego- Reading Theatre- Gaslamp 15

DC – AFI Silver Springs (3-day)


June 25, 2010:

San Francisco – Presidio Theatre

San Francisco – Sundance Kabuki Theatre

Berkeley – Rialto Elmwood Berkeley

Santa Rosa - Rialto Cinemas Lakeside

Check It Out, Jesus Really IS My Friend!

I am So Happy. I saw this company several years ago at the LDS Booksellers Convention and laughed my ass off. And now, here they are!

Have your very own portrait taken with Jesus!!! I am so freaking sure. Loved the review about it in City Weekly. This takes one of my favorite websites, Jesus Is With You Always, to brand new levels of excitement and mockery.

Hell yeah, pictures of us horseback riding and clubbing - shots of him applauding as I juggle and jog - would be unbelievably awesome. I could have framed photos all over my house. Us swing dancing, deep frying Twinkies, him holding my hand while I'm giving birth, holding my hair after too many Jager bombs, playing my drum set, mud wrestling...

My neighbors would be so jealous. And confused. Because, believe it or not, Jesus really is my friend. And now I can have the photos to prove it.

[Cue: Best song ever.]

Aron Leigh: A Cowboy's Duty

Remember my friend Aron Leigh? Well, he's back - as amazing as before only now he's married so I guess I'll be adopting his wife too - with a new song on iTunes: Cowboy's Duty. Check it out.

When in the mood you can't go wrong with a little country music and a whole lotta cowboy. I love this song! Talk about givin' a girl more cowbell...

Friday Video On Tuesday: Jessica's "Daily Affirmation"

As I watched this video, and felt myself wanting to bottle and sell this little girl, I found myself remembering when I was just like her. When I was that kick-ass confident and in love with every freaking thing about my life and self. It all left during various stages of my meat grinder of a past but I have worked hard and healed much and most if it is back. But not quite so innocently exuberant. Could I ever be that cheerleader excited about my hair and my room and my stuff? I'd sure love it if I could.

Gonna start adding Jessica's counter top dancing, prancing and posing to my list of daily activities.

(Great Article on lovin' your body as we head into bikini season. Maybe I should do my affirmations a la Jessica at the pool. Nah.)

She Rant #6: Cougariculous

S'been a while since I have She Ranted...

Okay ladies, I know as well as any forty something woman the joys of dating younger men. A man in his prime and a woman in hers is just kind of a no brainer. They don't require a nap or a pill or batteries or anything. But this is getting a bit out of control. There are sitcoms, reality shows, Saturday Night Live sketches. Somewhere along the line we've become a parody of ourselves.

I like The Show. Sometimes. Usually, however, I end up sighing and thinking: Really? This is where we are now? 40, half naked, drunk, hooking up and verbally raping young men?

I am all for freedom and adventure and living an unbounded, joyful life. Age makes no difference to me in sex, dating and relationships. I mean, who of us wouldn't want to be Demi Moore? But last I checked, she wasn't out flashing her boobs, falling over in clubs and dating entire college sports teams.

I love Sex and the City. I own the entire series and it pretty much single handedly gets me through these God awful Utah winters. And, yes, every time the game "Which one are you?" comes up it is quickly determined that I am more Samantha than any of the others. I went to Sex and the City 2 last weekend with some friends. We had cocktails. We all caught our breath and agreed, during a preview of his latest film, that Zac Efron has somehow crossed over to the land of beautiful sexy men. All good fun. But the movie itself depressed the hell out of me. Or, rather, Samantha depressed the hell out of me. I cringed at what she wore, how she looked, what she said, how she behaved.

Is there a point at which we become too old to "pull it off?" I think so. We can still play and have fun and be wild and look amazing and be sexy and date whoever the hell we want but can we please do it with class and a little dignity? Otherwise "You go girl!" just becomes "Oh honey, stop that right now."

I leave you with a poem.

A Cougar Blessing

May the road rise up to support you in your heels.
May the fat stay off your back.
May the sun shine warm upon your face
That is slathered in SPF 150,
And rains fall soft upon your
Hormonally challenged nether regions.
And until we meet again,
May you wear clothes that fit you,
May you not act your age but act with dignity,
May you not get lip injections,
May you stop drinking before you fall down,
And may the younger man of your dreams
Hold you skillfully in the palm of His hand.

Amen.

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