Friday Video: Ask Jesus To Come Sit On Your Heart

Later...

SHUT UP!!! THERE'S A CUMMINGTONITE T-SHIRT!!!

Who Says Diamonds Are A Girl's Best Friend?

Hold the phone and stop the presses - there is a mineral called Cummingtonite??? I am soooo happy. Granted, it is on Wikipedia, and we all know how reliable that is. But, still...

I will give half my kingdom to the first person who makes me a tiara made of Cummingtonite. I will then be the Queen of everything.

(Bless you for this, Gonzo!)

Talk About A Butt Lift

Friday Video: Embrace Life

This is, without question, the most beautiful ad I have ever seen. I saw it and was stunned to tears. Not only are it's visuals, and the emotions they elicit, extremely powerful but it also makes a very compelling argument for having real, supportive and solid relationships and not navigating the road of life alone and unprotected either. Sigh.

Buckling up. Something to think about.

Danielle Don't Do It

Amendment to the amendment to the Equal Opportunity Fairy Tale...

...But, behold, if a Prince or Princess are royally gay - they shall not marry one another but shall be the best of friends. They shall travel to a state where ogres do not dwell and the handsome Prince will wed another handsome Prince and the beautiful Princess will wed another beautiful princess. And there shall be much merriment and equality and full bank accounts and properly placed toilet seats. And there will be farting.

And, yes, they too shall live Happily Ever After.

Amen.

Danielle Don't Do It
Danielle Don't Do It: Affirmation

Amendment To The Equal Opportunity Fairy Tale

...And then one day, after both the Prince and Princess had given themselves years and years of adventures and growth and maturing and after much merriment and dating and drinking of Tequila and Scotch they discovered that they were lonely. They re-connected on Royal Facebook and they fell in love. And they rode motorcycles together and read books and he went camping with his friends and she went on retreats with hers. And he lived his life and she lived hers. And they slept together and deposited separately. And he lifted the toilet seat when he used it and she lowered it when it was her turn. And they were happy.

And the Prince asked the beautiful Princess...

"Will you marry me?"

The Princess said "YES!"

And they vowed to love and support one another and to not parent one another and to be responsible for their own happiness while still giving happiness to one another. And they still farted.

And then they lived, remarkably, Happily Ever After. Together.

An Equal Opportunity Fairy Tale

I was forwarded the following email the other day:

Guy Fairy Tale...

Once upon a time, a Prince asked a beautiful Princess...

"Will you marry me?"

The Princess said "NO!"

And the Prince lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and went fishing and hunting and played golf and dated women half his age and drank beer and scotch and had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up and farted whenever he wanted.

The End

I absolutely LOVE this but it is incomplete. I just have to add:

Gal Fairy Tale...

Once upon a time, a Prince asked a beautiful Princess...

"Will you marry me?"

The Princess said "NO!"

And the Princess lived happily ever after and grew a pair and ran marathons and wrote books and traveled and got an education and her own bank account and dated men half her age and drank beer and Tequila and ate chocolate and had an ass the size she wanted and mothered the planet and never even gave the toilet seat a second thought and farted whenever she wanted.

The End

I'm just sayin...

Friday Video: Don't Get Mad, Get On YouTube

A musician named Dave Carroll recently had difficulty with United Airlines. United apparently damaged his treasured Taylor guitar ($3500)during a flight. Dave spent over 9 months trying to get United to pay for damages caused by baggage handlers to his custom Taylor guitar. During his final exchange with the United Customer Relations Manager, he stated that he was left with no choice other than to create a music video for YouTube exposing their lack of cooperation. The Manager responded : "Good luck with that one, pal".

So he posted a retaliatory video on YouTube. The video has since received over 6 million hits. United Airlines contacted the musician and attempted settlement in exchange for pulling the video. Naturally his response was: "Good luck with that one, pal".

Taylor Guitars sent the musician 2 new custom guitars in appreciation for the product recognition from the video that has lead to a sharp increase in orders.

This guy is my HERO!!!

Women Alive! Retreat

There are still a few spaces available at our Retreat this summer. I am really excited for how this is shaping up - and about flexing my more serious / motivational / spiritual muscles that I choose, for the time being, to not flex on this blog.

Looking forward to seeing you there!

Have At It Internetland

Can't believe this Glorious Day is here already. Just bummed it only cums once a year. Oh well... Enjoy!

In the name of Pamela Anderson, Amen.

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Related Posts
Happygasm Day
Happy Orgasm Day

Hey Mabel, Cut Me A Fat Slice Of That There Bloody Cake, Would Ya?

Seriously you guys, you should all program your names into Google and let it tell you what you've been up to. It is almost as fun a game as Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon.

Ellie and Emily are lined up to get their birthday cake: Sacrificial Lamb red velvet. His head slid off because I packed his neck with red cherry pie filling for when you decapitate him.

Bloody decapitated Sacrificial Lamb birthday cake. Mmmm-mmmm good... I was mad that Ellie got the chocolate tumor hidden in the brain though. Next year Mom and Dad said that we can actually burn an animal but we have to call it a "luau" so they don't get in trouble again. A harlot pinata would be cool too - instead of a bat we can just throw stones. So excited!

Emily took sixth place in the discus with a toss of 36.33 meters.

Had no idea I was such a bad-ass did ya?

From Seafest in Kaikoura to a week of World Buskers in Christchurch, you'll catch Emily getting involved in every possible Canterbury event.

Oh yes you will, Bob! I hit the World Buskers Festival every year - right after I take Burning Man by storm and rip it up at the Haggis Festival.

Emily tried to avoid eye contact with Rob as she sat down. She smiled at the rest.

Well, I was a little embarrassed for him - he looked exactly like Captain Kangaroo and was wearing that weird little tiara. I smiled at everyone else because, well... unlike Cap'n Rob, they weren't naked.

...hahaha that was soo ridiculous my feet were burning so bad when i finally got sober.

No comment.

Emily Pearson, unattached.

Yes, I am alone. Thanks for the oh-so public announcement.

What Emily wants most: For me and her to be ACE ACE Reporters in crime!

No, what I want most is for this weird stalker chick with bad skin and camel toe - that follows me everywhere I go, asking inappropriate questions to all my friends - to leave me the the hell alone!

emilyXOpearson yeah but he's old and has a molestor moustache.

Molester moustache. Looks like Uncle Pervy is coming to the party again - with his goggles and incurable case of jock itch. Awesome.

Other than that, Emily's biggest adventures have been growing out three teeth at the same time, and throwing up strawberries.

So I'm having some dental and digestive issues. Don't judge me until you've walked a mile in my big girl panties.

emily pearson: katie and I are having drunk spelling competitions in the backseat.

Third best game EVER.

Pearson died in the crash.

Well at least now we know how I died.

But, I gotta say... First Prize goes to This Guy:

I'm bumping this, because Emily Pearson says that she is scouring the internet for people mentioning her name. And I am mentioning her name so I can be elected the First Elder of the Church of Emily Pearson of Latter-Day Saints.

Dude, you are now officially the First Elder of the Church of Emily Pearson of Latter-Day Saints. First two items of business: (1) Go collect me some tithing and (2) Quick run to Idaho and seal me to either Batman or Rock Hudson who is dead and no longer gay.

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Related Links:
Hey Mabel, Put This In Your Hat And Smoke It

Moment Of Silence From One Who Is Seldom Rendered Speechless

This is from the March issue of Sunstone Magazine. Not kidding.

A woman named Helen Radkey has been monitoring DS posthumous baptisms since 1995 and recently made a, perhaps startling, discovery – the temple record of Mary, the mother of Jesus. According to this record, Mary was vicariously baptized and confirmed on 9December 2009, in the Idaho Falls Idaho Temple. A few days later, she received her initiatory and endowment ordinances. Then on 7 January 2010, she was sealed to her parents, Joachim and Anna.

On the record Radkey discovered Jesus Ben Joseph CHRIST (born on 1 AD, deceased on 33AD) is listed as her son.

And officially listed as her husband? God the Father.

Likes Long Walks On The Beach...

Internetland - I am totally not kidding about finding a wonderful man for my Mom. Come on, look at her. She is darling and amazing and clever and generous and smart and has the most beautiful blue eyes this side of the Mississippi. What older-yet-vibrant, literate, kind, funny, movie ticket holding, chocolate loving, Jewish man wouldn't want to hit that?

Pick your brains. Search your family trees, address books and inboxes. Ask Jesus. Ask Abby. Work with me here... The woman hasn't been properly loved since my gay dad in the 70's (so it's debatable how properly she was thrown down and adored even then - she will argue with me that they had a great sex life. I say, "Ewwww. And, Mom, you oughta try a straight man. Seriously.") There's got to be one incredible man out there to match the one and only CLP.

Bueller...? Bueller...?

A Mother's Day Pimp Out

Mother's Day IM Conversation Between My & My Mom...

Em Says:
Happy Mother's Day, Mom!

CLP says:
And Happy Mother's Day to you too, Emily! You're one of the greatest mothers I know! I've been reading Erma Bombeck. Here's a cute thing for mothers: "Whenever I pulled out one sock from the dryer for every two that I put in, I tell my children, the other one went to live with Jesus."

Em says:
I wanna go live with Jesus too. Jesus the sock fairy. The thought of Jesus being the fairy that steals socks makes me giggle.

CLP says:
Not yet, you don't get to go live with Jesus or the sock fairy. Too many people need you here, including your kids and me and EVERYONE who is reading this!

Em says:
Oh, I don't mean leave my body live with Jesus - I just mean in a giant sock filled chocolate house somewhere. Weirdest vacation EVER.

CLP says:
Well, actually, the thought about the socks was that the sock died and went to heaven, I think.

Em says:
I get it - but Jesus stealing socks makes me laugh. I just always choose the funnier interpretation of any topic - this you know about me

CLP says:
Of course. That's one of the things we love most about you. From a very long list

Em says:
So - here we are. Both mothers.

CLP says:
I guess motherhood is contagious. You got it from me--sort of. At least you wouldn't have got it if I hadn't done it first! Glad I did it.

Em says:
I did catch it from you! That's hilarious. How horrible if it were THAT easy to get pregnant? You get sneezed on by a pregnant woman... Surprise!

CLP says:
Well, sex is lots more fun than sneezing. Nature had to make it fun or we'd NEVER JUST DECIDE TO HAVE KIDS. Well, yes, we would, but not as often.

Em says:
Ha-ha, remember in that book, "Where did I come From?” they say an orgasm feels like a sneeze - only nicer.

CLP says:
Like a sneeze. PLEEEZE! Oh, yes, I'm a poet. You, as you know, were invited here daily (nightly) for a whole month. Ewww, that's more than your readers wanted to know.

Em says:
Ewww, that’s more than I wanted to know!!!

CLP says:
Before we leave chocolate, did you know that I make sure I have five large dark chocolate "Pound Plus" bars from Trader Joe's in the kitchen at all times???? Don't tell your brother John this, but I hide them in the lower broken oven and he doesn't ever look there.

Em says:
That is awesome! Awww, Mom... look at you loving chocolate now. When did that happen? I wasn't even allowed to have candy when I was little. Which is one reason I devour it like a cheap whore now.

CLP says:
Yes, five large dark chocolate bars. We Mormons believe in food storage, doncha know.

Em says:
Mom - honestly - don't you miss sneezing?

CLP says:
Well, it's hay fever time here in Northern California, so I've been doing a little sneezing. Oh, you mean do I miss sex??? Well, the truth is I never got my share, and it's a real pity for myself and at least one other person.

Em says:
I keep threatening to find you a man. Haven't had the best luck in that dept for myself - maybe I can do better for you... How about we take this opportunity to pimp you out on this here blog? Please, oh please, oh please???

CLP says:
Go for it, Em. No, didn't get my share. That's why I now have five large bars of Trader Joe's dark chocolate "Pound Plus" hiding in my broken oven.

Em says:
Okay - Internetland - time to get Carol Lynn Pearson... sneezing. Okay, you are a beautiful, very youthful, 70. What age range are we talking? How young would you go? 60?

CLP says:
Oh, 60-75. I'm very healthy and could pass for 69. Joke. I could pass for 59.

Em says:
Okay, between 60 - 75.

CLP says:
So here are his requirements: Loves me...loves chocolate...loves Jesus...loves socks…

Em says:
NOT GAY - rule #1. Duh.

CLP says:
Absolutely. No wiggle room there.

Em says:
Does he have to be Mormon? (Please say no, please say no...)

CLP says:
No.

Em says:
Ding, ding, ding! Correct answer. Okay - can he be a m.... height challenged?

CLP says:
I would love to be able to speak Hebrew with a nice Jewish man. Haven't used my Israel kibbutz Hebrew since I used to speak it with Hugh Nibley decades ago.

Em says:
Ooooo a nice Jewish man. Now we're talking.

CLP says:
Height challenged? ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT THE M WORD?????

Em says:
Yep. :-) (Again - the correct answer is NO)

CLP says:
You would like a nice M for your step-father?????

Em says:
Could you IMAGINE??? Bah-hahahahahaha!!!

CLP says:
He would have to have his own money. But we could go dutch to movies.

Em says:
So, he doesn't have to be rich - just able to buy his own movie ticket?

CLP says:
And he would have to know who Leo Tolstoy is because this morning I finished listening to the last of 28 CDs of Anna Karenina.

Em says:
Okay - I am putting wealthy out there. From the daughter. You did? WOW.

CLP says:
Yes, I'm trying to fill in some of the gaps in my literary education. It's amazing how many hours in the day you (I) can have someone read to me while I just do stuff.

Em says:
Mom - it would be cool if he knew Tolstoy but, first, he needs to know Kinsey. You need a good Sneezy. And I ain’t talking about the dwarf (as previously stated)

CLP says:
Emily, way before Kinsey people were having lots of good sneezing.

Em says:
They were? I thought he invented sex. No? Okay, you need a sexy, 68 year old Jewish man with a pocket full of movie tickets and the ability to read aloud for hours.

CLP says:
Wow! That's it!!!!! I'm sure you can find one somewhere in Zion.

Em says:
Not here - but someone out there reading this in Internetland must have a father, uncle, friend that would fit the bill. Come on guys - work some magic for me here!

CLP says:
As the Jews say--From Your Lips to God's Ear!

Em says:
Amen (to be pronounced Oh-main!)

CLP says:
And amen.

Em says:
I love it - I am totally your pimpin’ Yente! On that note - I love you, Mom. Thank you for being mine.

CLP says:
My pleasure, Em. Love you SO much! Have a great Mother's Day!

Em says:
You too. Bye. :-)

HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY INTERNETLAND!
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Related Posts:
Mother's Day Love Fest

Friday Video(s): Sassy Gay Friend

Special Delivery Senator Buttars

It's Fun To Stay At The...

So, last night I went to watch my son in the Spring Dance Recital at the Jr High my kids attend. Ballroom dance would have been a seriously shame-based activity in CA when I was in Jr High in the early 80's but now, here, it is a cause for much student body rejoicing.

In the middle of the 2 hour long festival of mid-pubescent movement, the lights dimly came up on 5 silhouettes. I instantly knew what I was looking at but could scarcely believe it was real. "Noooo..." I thought, "It can't be. I'm not that lucky..." Oh, but hot damn ladies and gentlemen, as it turns out - I AM That Lucky!!!

The soundtrack of my childhood suddenly blasted through the sound system and the blinding lights came up on a Construction Worker, Policeman, Army-dude, Indian and Cowboy gettin' their serious boogie on. I was so overcome with celestial glee that I didn't even care that they left out the Harley Leather Dude. Last night, a Jr. High School in Salt Lake City, Utah paid homage to The Village People. Yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus. And a God. And they Both Love Me!!!

Living Out Loud

The BEST comment was left on yesterday's post. "Don't just have "near life" experiences. Blow the top off of "just living". Create the kind of memories people will be cheerful, joyous and inspired about at your funeral."

Amen Sistah! "Near life" experience was a play on words. One that doesn't even come close to what I want to be, and sometimes actually succeed at, having. Here's to "blowing the top off" of life and having a deeply profound, totally alive, freakishly daring, infinitely creative, stunningly loving, fierce & fearless, happygasmic Total Life Experience!

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Related Links:
Living Without Apology
In The Face Of

Among The Living

A lot of people are dying in my circles lately - it's strange. Sisters of friends, parents of friends... I received word week before last that my childhood babysitter was diagnosed with a fast growing cancer so I drove down to Provo to say goodbye. It's always strange to say goodbye to someone you love when you know it is for the last time in this physical life. What do you say? "I love you... Thanks for loving me... Are you scared... Don't be... What are your favorite memories of our time together... What are mine... Do you remember when... I'll see you soon..."

Yep. All of the above. You hug and laugh and cry and stare into one another's eyes a lot. She asked me to sing to her. I did. Then she asked me to sing that same song at her funeral. I agreed. She died last Saturday night and today I drove down to the chapel in Provo and sang for her the songs she had requested - My Turn on Earth and Angel Lullaby (the lullaby that my mom wrote for me while I was in her belly) from Mom's play "My Turn on Earth." I was cocky and thought that I wouldn't cry but standing above her casket a flood of childhood memories washed over me and I was emotional from start to finish.

This woman had watched over me as a child. She had played the piano and hide and seek with me. She put flowers on my sister's grave every year. She was only, like, 56years old. She had a constant smile that masked a hundred pains that I'm not sure how many people in her life actually knew about. And she is the only person that I know who loved chocolate more than I do.

Often when someone dies it is natural that we think about death. And life. The best story was told today. When my friend was about five years old, her family moved to a new town. She wanted to have a birthday party but her mother told her it would be hard because they had just moved there and they didn't know anyone. You can't really have a party with no friends. She left the house and came back about an hour later followed by several neighbors. "Mom, these are my new friends. Can I have my party now?"

Why do I so often forget lessons I learned long ago - and continue to learn over and over and over? If life is lacking something I want - go out and get it. Make it. Meet it. Create it. Demand it. Don't rest until I have it. In the spiritual adventure I find myself on, I spend more time with the dead than the living. I focus more on life before and life after than I do on life right now. Funny. And not.

Note To Self: Stop being so fascinated by near death experiences. Focus on having a near life experience instead. Just a thought.

Priorities

Every girl's dream man...