Monday, March 29, 2010
Thursday, March 25, 2010
If I Could Have Been
When I was in high school we did a production of the musical Working. Every night I would sit in the wings listening to Beth Arago sing "If I Could Have Been" and every night, in my head, I would sing along. "If I could have been, what I could have been, I could have been something..."
I was 16 years old and could imagine few things worse than being old, like 40, and looking back and thinking If Only. "If only I could have... If only I would have... If only I had..."
Fast forward almost 26 years later and here I am - nearing 42. And I still sing that song, only now it has such deep personal meaning. And it hurts. Nearly every day of my life I feel the wind of If Only. Sometimes it is only a light breeze and sometimes it's a hurricane. When I was sixteen years old, backstage during our productions of Working, my father had only been dead a few months. I was hanging on for dear life but still had no way of knowing how deeply that event would affect me and the course my life would take as a result of it. I had no way of knowing how deeply I would be affected by my membership in the Mormon Church and how it would color and dictate enormous life decisions and choices I would make. I still believed that I had the world at my fingertips and that my life would play out exactly as I wanted it to. If only...
If only they hadn't died... if only I hadn't married... if only I hadn't dated... if only winter wasn't so hard... if only I had been braver... if only I had fought harder... if only I had left sooner...
The other day I was getting my hair done by my friend Cassie and, as I usually do around her, felt the wind blow. I met Cassie several years ago and she has become one of my nearest and dearest. The thing that reached out and violently bitch-slapped me when I first met her was that she was me when I was in my early 20's if only I had been allowed, by both myself and the world around me, to just be me. Cassie is talented, successful, beautiful, funny as hell and, most importantly, free. Cassie just is. And I wonder why that makes me ache like it does.
I think it's because I feel like I am still running a million miles an hour to catch up - to make up for lost time. But I am doing it. I am getting there. And, really, it's all about perspective isn't it? The hopeful thought that I am clinging to is that, somewhere out there, there is an 80 year old woman looking at me the way I look at Cassie and saying to herself:
"If only..."
* * *
Related Posts:
Livin' The Dream
And The Oscar Goes To
Living Without Apology
Never Too Late
I was 16 years old and could imagine few things worse than being old, like 40, and looking back and thinking If Only. "If only I could have... If only I would have... If only I had..."
Fast forward almost 26 years later and here I am - nearing 42. And I still sing that song, only now it has such deep personal meaning. And it hurts. Nearly every day of my life I feel the wind of If Only. Sometimes it is only a light breeze and sometimes it's a hurricane. When I was sixteen years old, backstage during our productions of Working, my father had only been dead a few months. I was hanging on for dear life but still had no way of knowing how deeply that event would affect me and the course my life would take as a result of it. I had no way of knowing how deeply I would be affected by my membership in the Mormon Church and how it would color and dictate enormous life decisions and choices I would make. I still believed that I had the world at my fingertips and that my life would play out exactly as I wanted it to. If only...
If only they hadn't died... if only I hadn't married... if only I hadn't dated... if only winter wasn't so hard... if only I had been braver... if only I had fought harder... if only I had left sooner...
The other day I was getting my hair done by my friend Cassie and, as I usually do around her, felt the wind blow. I met Cassie several years ago and she has become one of my nearest and dearest. The thing that reached out and violently bitch-slapped me when I first met her was that she was me when I was in my early 20's if only I had been allowed, by both myself and the world around me, to just be me. Cassie is talented, successful, beautiful, funny as hell and, most importantly, free. Cassie just is. And I wonder why that makes me ache like it does.
I think it's because I feel like I am still running a million miles an hour to catch up - to make up for lost time. But I am doing it. I am getting there. And, really, it's all about perspective isn't it? The hopeful thought that I am clinging to is that, somewhere out there, there is an 80 year old woman looking at me the way I look at Cassie and saying to herself:
"If only..."
* * *
Related Posts:
Livin' The Dream
And The Oscar Goes To
Living Without Apology
Never Too Late
Cassie Dean: A Girl's Best Friend
One of my favorite pictures of Cassie.
But I'm thinking she'd prefer I post this one.I looked for years here in Salt Lake for someone show could cut and color my hair exactly the way I wanted. I longed to walk out of a salon without thinking, "Give it a few days and I will love it." Anyone looking for an amazing stylist here in SLC, which can be tricky to find, call Cassie at Salon Zazou. Tell her I sent you and you get free chocolate.
I wrote the following a while ago for Citysearch:
I've said it before, and I'll say it again...The moment you walk into Zazou and meet Cassie Dean, you will have a sneaking suspicion that you have just met your new best friend. One minute in her chair and you'll find yourself wishing that Cassie came in a bottle so you too could somehow be that fun, that stylish, that magnetic, that talented. Perfect color and a flawless cut later, you know without a doubt that you will never, ever let anyone else touch your hair. Her skills are unparalleled - but Cassie's greatest gift is that the moment she turns your chair around, and you catch that first glimpse of yourself in the mirror, you know without question that you have, indeed, just been introduced to your new best friend. You.
End commercial.
And I Thought I Was A Smart Ass
I was just sent the link to This Website. I started reading "Permission Slip" scrolled down to the one about pie charts and logos and then to "Lesley the Lesbian" and it all went to happy-hell from there.
I have found my new laughing place.
I have found my new laughing place.
Sweet, Sweet Bricks O' Chocolate Love
Okay, so we all know I'm a complete chocolate fiend. Because of that very fact, a couple of weeks ago I was asked by someone on Facebook if I would accept a gift of chocolate toffee in exchange for a public shout out. Being the Chocolate Whore that I am, I agreed. Free chocolate? Duh. Unless it was of the cheap variety that is waxy enough to use on my bikini line, a public endorsement wouldn't be hard. Come on - it's chocolate. I chose the dark chocolate, of course. They placed the order and sent...
Oh. My. God. One bite and I had to close my eyes and take a moment. Another bite and I had to grab onto my bed post. Another and I was screaming for a cigarette. You know how, every Christmas, that sweet little old lady on your street gives you a small bag with her homemade toffee in it that you hide from the rest of your family and vow to learn to make one day? It's THAT toffee. When you're high. Or it's high. Or both. My son doesn't even like candy and he kept asking for more.
It was an easy decision to allow the public shout out to spill from Facebook to this blog. It is that good. It's not just keep-me-up-at-night-like-Johnny-Depp spread the word good. It's melt in your mouth and spread on someone you love good.
I pulled this photo off of their Website just now. Apparently they have strawberry, lemon and blueberry flavored toffee for Easter. Well now I just feel teased...
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
Monday, March 22, 2010
I Still Have Grass Stains On My Arse
Got another email. Apparently it's Naked Day again. Call me un-American, call me a party pooper, call me whatever the hell you want...
I AM NOT FALLING FOR THAT ONE AGAIN!!!
Friday, March 19, 2010
Friday Video: Handsome Men's Club
This Video alone (featuring several members of my personal dream harem) has, in one fell swoop, restored the balance to my universe.
Thank God for every straight, and oh-so-yummy, one of them.
Outtakes below. Thanks Gonzo!
Thank God for every straight, and oh-so-yummy, one of them.
Outtakes below. Thanks Gonzo!
Thursday, March 18, 2010
Women Alive! Retreat
Women Alive! My mother, Carol Lynn Pearson, and I are hosting a three-day retreat for twelve women in the beautiful Utah mountains this summer.
July 30- August 1, Friday noon to Sunday 5 p.m.
CAROL LYNN PEARSON—brings her insight and inspiration on Women’s Spirituality…the Magic and Meaning of Coincidence…her poems…a reader’s theatre presentation of “Mother Wove the Morning” (search for the female face of God)…and much more.
EMILY PEARSON—with her unique, sassy humor and well-earned wisdom, guides us to a greater understanding of Pain and its purpose, how we can allow it to propel us forward…shows us the freedom and joy that come from Spiritual Reinvention…and makes sure we laugh a lot.
*Lodge-type home on three acres in the beautiful mountains near Heber
*Small lake, canoe, paddle boat, Koi fish pond, waterfall, woods, occasional moose
*Slumber party casual
*First nine enrollees get a double bed, others get a comfortable couch
*Yummy, healthy food and indulgent snacks
*Bring one guest free to Friday evening performance of “Mother Wove the Morning”
$340
REGISTER HERE.
Grab a spot and come have a party with us! I am really excited about this event - even though Mom made me promise not to use the "F" word all weekend.
Whatever.
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
Hey Mabel, Put This In Your Hat And Smoke It
Google may have deemed me risky and damaging, and they may have taken away my $18.47 a year, but they continue to give me something of far greater value. Emily Pearson Alerts. Every time my name is mentioned on the Internet, they let me know what was said and who said it. It's awesome.
I bet there are several yummy tidbits floating around out there you all didn’t even know about me…
... game of the tournament 32-15 over Sacred Heart (0-2) thanks to a big 14-point effort from Meagan Pearson, combined with 10 points from Emily Pearson.
I have a secret twin sister named Meagan, with whom I kick a soccer ball and serious catholic school girl ass.
A large broad-brimmed hat, dyed in an elusive mixture of colors to produce a distinctive shade of pale gold, was presented to Emily Pearson by her long-time friend and employer Mabel Arkwright.
That wacky Mabel. She knew I already had a large, distinctive, golden broad-rimmed hat. I had asked her for a Giant Red One to wear when we go out to Applebee’s with our friends. She is such a tease.
…was Pearson's fiance who knows Jim was too weak to commit murder. Emily made a great detective as she was the type of person who can get everyone to talk…
My fiancé did know that Jim was too weak to commit murder. But he was not too weak to swing in a kilt from that chandelier. And that was his downfall. I do prefer that people not know of my great detective skills, though. They will stop talking. My capers will be foiled and all my hard work for naught.
Emily Pearson says: Thank you for your fair and hones. Sonic is not a crack head drunk. Plz dont eat me ...
I knew I shouldn’t have gotten drunk before that interview.
Emily Pearson: White
Was not aware that was in question. Yes, I am white. And, again, no I am not a drag queen.
Emily Topless
Shit. Did they see that???
OF MICE AND MEN by Emily Pearson
Well, now the cat’s out of the bag…
Fay and Emily were super brave and went into the big pool.
Fay and I did get super brave that day. Wondering if she got busted for being topless too. Meagan and Mabel must have told on us. I bet I can use my super skills to get them to talk.
FreedomFestival Thx to Emily Pearson
You’re welcome. Freedom for all. Courtesy of me.
Sergeant-at-Arms Emily Pearson on how you would like us to handle the cash
Cone of silence, Dude! Cone of silence!
This was my second visit to photograph Emily, so I was very excited to see how she had grown.
I thought it very rude of this photographer to send me a year’s supply of chocolate just so he could document my “growth.” Asshole.
Hoe Down Throw Down Abby & Emily Pearson Talent Show 2010
Best. Title. Ever. This event will be held on May 14.
Here is Emily Pearson, who died.
And there you have it. Maybe Google is out to get me after all.
I bet there are several yummy tidbits floating around out there you all didn’t even know about me…
... game of the tournament 32-15 over Sacred Heart (0-2) thanks to a big 14-point effort from Meagan Pearson, combined with 10 points from Emily Pearson.
I have a secret twin sister named Meagan, with whom I kick a soccer ball and serious catholic school girl ass.
A large broad-brimmed hat, dyed in an elusive mixture of colors to produce a distinctive shade of pale gold, was presented to Emily Pearson by her long-time friend and employer Mabel Arkwright.
That wacky Mabel. She knew I already had a large, distinctive, golden broad-rimmed hat. I had asked her for a Giant Red One to wear when we go out to Applebee’s with our friends. She is such a tease.
…was Pearson's fiance who knows Jim was too weak to commit murder. Emily made a great detective as she was the type of person who can get everyone to talk…
My fiancé did know that Jim was too weak to commit murder. But he was not too weak to swing in a kilt from that chandelier. And that was his downfall. I do prefer that people not know of my great detective skills, though. They will stop talking. My capers will be foiled and all my hard work for naught.
Emily Pearson says: Thank you for your fair and hones. Sonic is not a crack head drunk. Plz dont eat me ...
I knew I shouldn’t have gotten drunk before that interview.
Emily Pearson: White
Was not aware that was in question. Yes, I am white. And, again, no I am not a drag queen.
Emily Topless
Shit. Did they see that???
OF MICE AND MEN by Emily Pearson
Well, now the cat’s out of the bag…
Fay and Emily were super brave and went into the big pool.
Fay and I did get super brave that day. Wondering if she got busted for being topless too. Meagan and Mabel must have told on us. I bet I can use my super skills to get them to talk.
FreedomFestival Thx to Emily Pearson
You’re welcome. Freedom for all. Courtesy of me.
Sergeant-at-Arms Emily Pearson on how you would like us to handle the cash
Cone of silence, Dude! Cone of silence!
This was my second visit to photograph Emily, so I was very excited to see how she had grown.
I thought it very rude of this photographer to send me a year’s supply of chocolate just so he could document my “growth.” Asshole.
Hoe Down Throw Down Abby & Emily Pearson Talent Show 2010
Best. Title. Ever. This event will be held on May 14.
Here is Emily Pearson, who died.
And there you have it. Maybe Google is out to get me after all.
Friday, March 12, 2010
Friday Video: SkyMall Kitties
One of my very favorite things to do on an airplane is to dream-shop in the SkyMall. They have the most delightful array of items available for purchase. Things that, during my virtual shopping trip, cause me to gasp and snort through my hysterical-laughter-tears, "Who on earth would actually buy that???"
Last flight to LA, my Facing East producing partner had not slept for like three weeks and I kept him awake the entire flight having the best Skymall party ever.
Thinking next time he'll opt for a seat in a galaxy far, far away.
A Google Strip Search
WOW. I just got the following email from Google Ads:
"While going through our records recently, we found that your AdSense account has posed a significant risk to our AdWords advertisers. Since keeping your account in our publisher network may financially damage our advertisers in the future, we've decided to disable your account."
I am a significant risk poser. For some reason I find this to be freaking awesome. Probably since most of the ads they run on this site are for Hot Mormon Singles and Genealogy. I get it. Random people don't like the EFF word and are probably sick of my gay rants too.
Sigh.
Now I have to figure out another way to make $18.47 a year.
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
Wait, This One Is WAY Funnier
I would much rather be spanked than beheaded, thank you very much.(I am guessing that this husband is straight. Does this count as a straight man post?)
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
Another Totally Gay Wake Up Call
I Believe that we are souls that have come to this planet to learn by experience. I personally am a soul that eats that up. I love experience – even when I hate it. I love to experience things in order to learn. In fact, I obviously love it so much that I choose to experience the same freaking things over and over and over so that I can learn the same freaking things over and over and over. Most often this is done in the very hardest way possible. It’s awesome.
Last fall I wrote about this huge “Ah-ha!” I’d had about how I could no longer spend my life marching at the front of someone else’s parade. How my internal scales had been tipped in the wrong direction for far too long. How I could no longer fill my heart with so much passion for gay men that there was no room for the love of a wonderful straight man. And I wrote all about how I was done. And then last week I was mistaken for a drag queen and lovingly reminded that I am, in all actuality, an “honorary homo.”
Glad to see I’ve made such progress.
Note: I do not take offense to those comments in the least. I have said for years that the only explanation for me is that in my last life I was a chain smoking gay man. (I want to be a smoker soooo bad, but that is another topic for another post.) I AM an honorary homo and have always worn that title like a badge of honor. But last week I was given another 2X4 upside the head. Not because I was mistaken for a man but because of a comment left by a close friend on my I Am Now A Big Drag Queen post.
“Dear Lord Emily. This has gone far enough. You have got to retire the baton. Is there some sort of straight man testosterone festival we can send you to? I'm trying to think of a place where lots of available straight men are gathered together and the only thing that comes to mind is a prison. Hmmm, I'll keep working on that...”
All I can say in response is… I know. And it is most definitely time for an intervention. Time to find that glorious straight man testosterone festival of which you speak. Prison? Umm… I’m thinking not so much. But feel free to hog tie and drop me at the nearest firehouse, bowling alley, monster truck rally, Hunting Expo, Nascar-whatever-thingie… you can find.
The scales of my personal life are not quite as tipped as this blog would suggest. I date a lot of straight men - I just learned long ago not to blog about my relationships / love life. I am currently single and love, love, LOVE the straight men. But, if I am being totally honest – and apparently I am – I do use my spot near the head of the Gay Parade to hide from dealing with straight man drama as often as I possibly can. [Sigh.] And I march out of habit.
I just need to get off the damn street for a while because the problem with being an honorary homo is that, unlike the all real homos, I am there pretty much alone. I need to create my own parade. It will definitely have a Homo Float but it will come after the Sexy Straight Man Salute. I will always be passionate and will always care but I guess I need to get my ass out of the gay bars for a while.
And, as for this blog, I hereby commit to balancing it with a million other topics and at least one post about straight men for every post I write about the gay ones.
Geez, and I thought quitting midgets was going to be hard…
* * *
Related Posts:
Letting It Go
Memo From A Fairy Princess.
Last fall I wrote about this huge “Ah-ha!” I’d had about how I could no longer spend my life marching at the front of someone else’s parade. How my internal scales had been tipped in the wrong direction for far too long. How I could no longer fill my heart with so much passion for gay men that there was no room for the love of a wonderful straight man. And I wrote all about how I was done. And then last week I was mistaken for a drag queen and lovingly reminded that I am, in all actuality, an “honorary homo.”
Glad to see I’ve made such progress.
Note: I do not take offense to those comments in the least. I have said for years that the only explanation for me is that in my last life I was a chain smoking gay man. (I want to be a smoker soooo bad, but that is another topic for another post.) I AM an honorary homo and have always worn that title like a badge of honor. But last week I was given another 2X4 upside the head. Not because I was mistaken for a man but because of a comment left by a close friend on my I Am Now A Big Drag Queen post.
“Dear Lord Emily. This has gone far enough. You have got to retire the baton. Is there some sort of straight man testosterone festival we can send you to? I'm trying to think of a place where lots of available straight men are gathered together and the only thing that comes to mind is a prison. Hmmm, I'll keep working on that...”
All I can say in response is… I know. And it is most definitely time for an intervention. Time to find that glorious straight man testosterone festival of which you speak. Prison? Umm… I’m thinking not so much. But feel free to hog tie and drop me at the nearest firehouse, bowling alley, monster truck rally, Hunting Expo, Nascar-whatever-thingie… you can find.
The scales of my personal life are not quite as tipped as this blog would suggest. I date a lot of straight men - I just learned long ago not to blog about my relationships / love life. I am currently single and love, love, LOVE the straight men. But, if I am being totally honest – and apparently I am – I do use my spot near the head of the Gay Parade to hide from dealing with straight man drama as often as I possibly can. [Sigh.] And I march out of habit.
I just need to get off the damn street for a while because the problem with being an honorary homo is that, unlike the all real homos, I am there pretty much alone. I need to create my own parade. It will definitely have a Homo Float but it will come after the Sexy Straight Man Salute. I will always be passionate and will always care but I guess I need to get my ass out of the gay bars for a while.
And, as for this blog, I hereby commit to balancing it with a million other topics and at least one post about straight men for every post I write about the gay ones.
Geez, and I thought quitting midgets was going to be hard…
* * *
Related Posts:
Letting It Go
Memo From A Fairy Princess.
Friday, March 5, 2010
Friday Video(s): Tiptoe Through My Sexy Tulips
Okay, so one of my very favorite spectacles of human weirdness has always been Tiny Tim. I grew up watching Rowan & Martin's Laugh In which was an early showcase for performers like Lily Tomlin, Goldie Hawn, Flip Wilson, Sammy Davis Jr and, bless them, the first to feature [above] Tiny Tim singing "Tiptoe Through The Tulips."
So, imagine my delight when I came across the video below. Two of my favorite childhood treasures: Tiny Tim and Rod Stewart's "Do You Think I'm Sexy?"
Oooo Baby.
Thursday, March 4, 2010
Happygasm
Doesn't this just make you want to sing "Oh sweet mystery of life, at last I found you!" at the top of your lungs?
Me too. I need a cigarette.
* * *
Related Links:
Dip Me In Chocolate And Call Me Dessert!
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
What A Drag
I just received the following email: Emily... I ran into a friend the other day who asked me about the gorgeous blonde friend I have on FB. No surprise that she was talking about you, but the funny part happened when she said, "That is the most beautiful drag queen I have ever seen."
What. The. Fuck???
Look to the left and scroll down a bit. That is the picture on my Facebook Profile. Raise your hand if you think it looks like a man. (Note: if you are the "Dick" that keeps leaving comments about how much you really don't like / hate me, don't bother. Your vote will not be counted.)
When I first read this I threw my head back and laughed out loud. Then I stopped and thought, "Hold on... I look like a man???" Ten seconds of wanting to cry, shoot Tequila intravenously and eat an entire pie with a fork led me to this thought...
There are three types of Drag Queens. (1) The ones that make you stop, stare, clutch your chest and mutter, "Bless her heart." (2) Those that make you gleefully jump up and down and hit the dance floor, arms outstretched, screaming along to "It's Raining Men." (3) And those that make you throw up your hands and cancel your gym membership because you know you can never compete with a MAN that looks that fucking amazing so why even try.
Clearly the woman who made the comment to my friend has seen her fair share of Drag Queens and dubbed me the most beautiful of them all. I am officially a Category 3 Drag Queen - which is WAY better than just being a 41 year old woman who is looking more and more like a man with every passing day.
That's my story and I'm sticking to it.
* * *
Related Links:
All That And A Penis Ta-Boot
What. The. Fuck???
Look to the left and scroll down a bit. That is the picture on my Facebook Profile. Raise your hand if you think it looks like a man. (Note: if you are the "Dick" that keeps leaving comments about how much you really don't like / hate me, don't bother. Your vote will not be counted.)
When I first read this I threw my head back and laughed out loud. Then I stopped and thought, "Hold on... I look like a man???" Ten seconds of wanting to cry, shoot Tequila intravenously and eat an entire pie with a fork led me to this thought...
There are three types of Drag Queens. (1) The ones that make you stop, stare, clutch your chest and mutter, "Bless her heart." (2) Those that make you gleefully jump up and down and hit the dance floor, arms outstretched, screaming along to "It's Raining Men." (3) And those that make you throw up your hands and cancel your gym membership because you know you can never compete with a MAN that looks that fucking amazing so why even try.
Clearly the woman who made the comment to my friend has seen her fair share of Drag Queens and dubbed me the most beautiful of them all. I am officially a Category 3 Drag Queen - which is WAY better than just being a 41 year old woman who is looking more and more like a man with every passing day.
That's my story and I'm sticking to it.
* * *
Related Links:
All That And A Penis Ta-Boot
Masturbating Mormons On SpoofTimesDotCom
Rhetorical question: How hard did I laugh when I read the following on SpoofTimes.com?
Salt Lake City, UT: LDS Church leaders gathered in secrecy last night to explore the option of allowing young men the right to masturbate to satisfy their youthful urges.
Masturbation has always been forbidden in the church and church leaders have encouraged young men to simply wait for nocturnal emissions to clean out their "little factories." However, many young Mormons seem to be masturbating regardless of the church's policy. LDC Church President Henry B. Eyring admits that he masturbated once when he was a teenager.
"It was simply a youthful experimentation", Eyring explained. "I didn't enjoy it, I didn't ejaculate and I would never do it again".
Church leaders drafted a strict masturbation policy for the teenage boys:
(1) Parents must be fully supportive of the boy's desire to masturbate.
(2) Masturbation would be limited to no more than once a month.
(3) Pornography will not be allowed, however, Victoria's Secrets catalogs and Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition would be allowed under tight restriction after the age of 17.
(4) Under NO CIRCUMSTANCES would any homosexual, prurient or deviant thought be allowed.
(5) Masturbation must stop after the young man has married a woman.
"We want to make sure these kids don't grow up and vote 'NO' on California's Proposition 8," Eyring explained. Voting no on Proposition 8 would have allowed gays the right to marry in California.
Eyring and other church leaders explained that the church has learned to grow with the times and that masturbation is immoral and will lead to eternal damnation only if done to excess.
Eyring said there would be no church policy regarding girls masturbating because, as he stated, "I don't think girls do that. From what I’ve been told, they don't have penises!"
Salt Lake City, UT: LDS Church leaders gathered in secrecy last night to explore the option of allowing young men the right to masturbate to satisfy their youthful urges.
Masturbation has always been forbidden in the church and church leaders have encouraged young men to simply wait for nocturnal emissions to clean out their "little factories." However, many young Mormons seem to be masturbating regardless of the church's policy. LDC Church President Henry B. Eyring admits that he masturbated once when he was a teenager.
"It was simply a youthful experimentation", Eyring explained. "I didn't enjoy it, I didn't ejaculate and I would never do it again".
Church leaders drafted a strict masturbation policy for the teenage boys:
(1) Parents must be fully supportive of the boy's desire to masturbate.
(2) Masturbation would be limited to no more than once a month.
(3) Pornography will not be allowed, however, Victoria's Secrets catalogs and Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition would be allowed under tight restriction after the age of 17.
(4) Under NO CIRCUMSTANCES would any homosexual, prurient or deviant thought be allowed.
(5) Masturbation must stop after the young man has married a woman.
"We want to make sure these kids don't grow up and vote 'NO' on California's Proposition 8," Eyring explained. Voting no on Proposition 8 would have allowed gays the right to marry in California.
Eyring and other church leaders explained that the church has learned to grow with the times and that masturbation is immoral and will lead to eternal damnation only if done to excess.
Eyring said there would be no church policy regarding girls masturbating because, as he stated, "I don't think girls do that. From what I’ve been told, they don't have penises!"
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