Salt Lake City, UT: LDS Church leaders gathered in secrecy last night to explore the option of allowing young men the right to masturbate to satisfy their youthful urges.
Masturbation has always been forbidden in the church and church leaders have encouraged young men to simply wait for nocturnal emissions to clean out their "little factories." However, many young Mormons seem to be masturbating regardless of the church's policy. LDC Church President Henry B. Eyring admits that he masturbated once when he was a teenager.
"It was simply a youthful experimentation", Eyring explained. "I didn't enjoy it, I didn't ejaculate and I would never do it again".
Church leaders drafted a strict masturbation policy for the teenage boys:
(1) Parents must be fully supportive of the boy's desire to masturbate.
(2) Masturbation would be limited to no more than once a month.
(3) Pornography will not be allowed, however, Victoria's Secrets catalogs and Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition would be allowed under tight restriction after the age of 17.
(4) Under NO CIRCUMSTANCES would any homosexual, prurient or deviant thought be allowed.
(5) Masturbation must stop after the young man has married a woman.
"We want to make sure these kids don't grow up and vote 'NO' on California's Proposition 8," Eyring explained. Voting no on Proposition 8 would have allowed gays the right to marry in California.
Eyring and other church leaders explained that the church has learned to grow with the times and that masturbation is immoral and will lead to eternal damnation only if done to excess.
Eyring said there would be no church policy regarding girls masturbating because, as he stated, "I don't think girls do that. From what I’ve been told, they don't have penises!"
3 comments:
Ok, that made me laugh out loud!
I can just hear the Bishop's interviews now.
"Well Brayden, do you have your masterbation permission slip signed by both your parents? Ok, good. I'll just keep that on file here for future interviews."
"Now, here is your masterbation punch card for the year. You'll see that you have 12 masterbation oportunities, one per month. But if you don't need to relieve your "little factory" one month you can carry it over to the next month. It's kind of like rollover minutes. Just have a parent, preferably your father, punch your card each time you masterbate so we can make sure you don't go over your minutes, so to speak."
"And finally, please describe in detail what you think about while masterbating. A girl, huh? Well that's good. Now are you sure she was actually a girl? Some of those cross dressers can be pretty hot too. Be careful that you aren't thinking about a hot girl that may actually be a guy, okey dokey?"
Thanks for the laugh!
Hmmm- since girls don't matter in the scheme of 'The Plan', what would they know about a magic little place which is solely designed for the purpose of pleasure? Pay attention, leaders of the church, we don't need your permission nor your penis (literal or figurative) to have an orgasim. Dumb Pricks!
wow
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