Holiday of Happy

Tis the night before New Year's
I'm beginning to fidget
Not a creature is stirring
Not even a m...ouse.

Actually, all the creatures are stirring and getting out their pots and pans and chilling bottles of sparkly beverages. I'm completely holiday partied out - just laying low with my loin fruit and man-I-am-dating-but-not-going-to-write-about.

Forgive the 10 days of silence. I have been hiding out on the island of misfit toys nursing my holiday overwhelmed, burned out, in a serious sugar coma self. This Christmas was probably the best, but most exhausting, I've had in years. And this was the year that my smart assed, cynical despite all that I believe, self got a shot in the arm of the miraculous and determined that, yes Virginia, there is a Santa Clause after all.

A few days before Christmas, the kids and I had just gotten home after a loooong day of shopping when the doorbell rang. On our porch stood two children I had never seen before holding a ginormous basket filled with Christmas Love. They said the basket was for me. I didn't believe them.

"Sweeties, I think you have the wrong house."

"No," (giggling) "This is for you."

"Um, who are you?"

(Pointing behind them) "We live over there."

"And this is from you?" (Looking around the parking lot) "Where are your parents?"

"We're just supposed to give this to you."

"But I don't even know you. Is this from your parents?"

(More giggling) "We're just giving this to you."

"Thank you so much, but I think you need to ask your parents if this is the right house."

They just stared at me.

"Are you sure you have the right house?"

"Uh-huh."

I was still not convinced but didn't know what else to do. I thanked them and my kids grabbed the basket. I instructed them NOT to open anything because in about 5 minutes there was going to be a knock on the door and some poor, embarrassed strangers were going to apologetically ask for it back.

They pulled out an envelope with my name on it. Now I was thoroughly confused. "Wait, it really is for us?" Kids ripped open the card and out fell an American Express gift card for not a small amount of money. My mind started racing and finally took in the contents of the basket. Rolls, a ham, cookies, bags of amazing candy and nuts, chocolate up the wazoo... Who would / could do this? Was it the local ward who had chosen the naughty, single ex-Mormon mom to Secret Santa in an attempt to get her back to church? My eyes fell on a bottle of champagne. Nope. Not the Mormons.

There was another card. I opened it and out fell cash and another handful of Am Ex gift cards in equally not small amounts. The card read, simply, "You are loved by MANY."

How do I even begin to express how that felt? I can't. How can I thank those that blessed me anonymously? Again, I can't. I have my strong suspicions but won't leave my seat at the magic show to rush backstage, shake the crew by the shoulders and demand to know how the trick was done. It doesn't matter. It was done. And it was magical. And it made me deeply happy.

Talk about catching the Emily Vision.

God bless them. Every one.

Re-Post: (Still) The Best Christmas Letter I Have Ever Received

It has been a couple of years since I shared this. And there are many new readers to this blog that totally deserve to giggle. I still haven't gotten a Xmas letter that even comes close to this in awesomeness and I still wish with all my heart and soul that I had written it. Enjoy...

SEASON'S GREETINGS!!!

It's been another wonderful year for the Jones Family! Mike continues to study hard and is getting a lot of recognition including, this last month, publishing a chapter in a book and being invited for interviews at Yale and University of Maryland. He somehow still has time to exercise and stay in great shape and to be a wonderful dad, taking the kids swimming every week. Last weekend he watched the kids for two days so I could go Christmas Shopping with my best friend.

Hannah loves school and ballet and excels in both! She comes home and teaches Paige everything, so Paige is becoming a great reader and an amazing mathematician! They are inseparable and we constantly get comments about what a pair they are. They also take good care of their brother. Cody is a good natured little boy who lights up the room every time he walks in with his huge beaming smile.

I am excited to be expecting number FOUR! People have a hard time believing I am pregnant and are shocked to learn it is number four. They are always saying that I look more like a pregnant teenager than a mother of four. I don't know if that's a compliment or not!!! The kids keep me busy, but I keep myself sane with audio books. I am always listening to something and finish about two books a month. It has been so educational and enjoyable to read wonderful books like Moby Dick, The Portrait of a Lady, and The Brothers Karamazov.

We hope this letter makes you all feel as jealous and insecure as it makes us feel smug. OK, WHO AM I KIDDING? Here's the truth...

Mike is leading us into our eighth consecutive year of abject poverty. At this point, he is just jumping through whatever hoops his liberal professors want him to so we can get on with it. We are waiting to get rejected by the two schools who actually condescended to "interview" him for indentured servitude, I mean internship.

As for our kids, whom the government has officially labeled "at risk," Hannah comes home from school a moody witch every day. She has Paige in tears within two minutes most days. She is always tired and I have to rip her out of bed every morning and force her to school. Paige cut her hair last night. It looks horrifying. That is after cutting her clothes and Hannah's stocking the previous weeks. She has been spanked so many times her bum is leather. We will have to try some psychotropic drugs. Cody... Who's Cody? Oh yeah--that creature who's always armpit-deep in the toilet. Well, all I can say about him is he's lucky we never vacuum or he'd starve to death.

I had to drag my sorry rear into the Medicaid office and tell them I am pregnant again. Four kids in grad school--my worst nightmare. I am a burden to my family. I have barfed over two hundred times since October and now I am just waiting for a blood clot to form in my varicose veins and travel to my heart and kill me. I don't like to move, so I just yell at my kids from my worn spot on the couch. No wonder Mike never comes home.

Better luck next year.
The Jones Family

Friday Video: Of Service

If we could all do the same - race freely through the meadow of life, chasing birds with abandon and the joy of our real and true selves - just imagine the incredible things we could do!

If we could honestly bring forth what is in us, what is in us honestly would save us.

Gay Man Myth #5

Gay men want to have sex with every straight man they see.

It's been a while since I set the record straight. It's one of my favorite of all the Gay Man Myths - shooting out of homo-ignorant straight men's mouths like a giant beer belch. "Dude, I don't want some fag checking out my ass and grabbing my junk."

Nine times out of ten these guys are overweight, sloppy carnies with mullets and monster truck t-shirts and it's all I can do to not howl with laughter in their pocked faces.

Seriously??? Have you seen what the average gay man looks like??? Have you seen what the average gay man is looking for??? They're even pickier than us women and none of US would even touch you with a ten foot strippers pole.

Dude, you're a walking "before" picture - you have nothing to worry about.

Trust me.

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Related Links:
Gay Man Myth #1
Gay Man Myth #2
Gay Man Myth #3
Gay Man Myth #4

Friday Video: ROCKY (REMI GAILLARD)

Still loving this guy...

Talk about not taking life so seriously. Let's go out and have some fun Internetland...

The Greater Sin

This Is Awesome! And, the perfect way to fight ignorance and hatred - with humor. Don't take them seriously, as hard as that is. It is most often the best way to diffuse the illusion, for both of you, that they have power over you.

Plus you have the added bonus of totally pissing them off and keeping yourself happy and entertained at the same time.

Amen.

Bless His Little...

Caption: "Steroids also helps your penis disappear."

In honor of last weekend's little experiment. Maybe this guy can take an anti-depressant and hallucinate that he's hung like a circus pony. Just a thought.

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Related Links:
Toys For Tarts
What's Up With Depressing Anti Depressants?

8:TMP Listed In Top Ten Films To See At Sundance

Salt Lake Tribune
CBS News

It is going to be an unforgettable 10 days! I seriously need to start laying off my beloved chocolate... Dammit.

Toys For Tarts

With all the bins of Toys for Tots around during the Xmas season, a girlfriend and I decided that we would put our own barrels around town in hopes of gathering other kinds of toys that are so desperately needed by women this time of year. The old ones wear out. They just up and rudely stop working. Dogs get a hold of them… It’s a Festivus tragedy. So, if you’re out-n-about and see a barrel with our BigFatFaces on it, get with the Christmas Spirit would ya? Run right out to Blue Boutique or Dr. John’s and pick up a Christmas toy for the needy. Or, you can leaf through one of my catalogs and pick out a doozy.

Speaking of Passion Parties, I did one this past weekend that spring-boarded a delightful little experiment. After a rousing game of Ring Toss, I awarded the prize to the woman that got the ring around the giant purple… target. (Yes, it’s what you think.) So, you know those little mini creatures that you put in water and they grow and grow to ten times their original size? Those animals, fish, Disney princesses… that kids love to put in a glass of water and check on every hour? Well, the prize was one of those – in the form of the cutest little penis you ever did see.

The decision was made to put it in water, as directed, and watch it grow throughout the night. But at the end of the party all we had was the cutest-but-now-saddest-little-penis-we-ever-did-see at the bottom of a big water filled salad bowl. It was then that we read the instructions. The freaking thing was going to slowly grow over the next ten days!!! How in the hell is a girl supposed to have that much patience, I ask you?

Anyway, it was determined that JJ, the hostess and my Toys for Tarts Partner in Crime, and her roommate Amy would keep it and update us on it’s progress. The first updates she sent had me rolling on the floor and begging her to let me share with y’all.

So, with that… [drum roll]

Internetland, I give you Guest Blogger Extraordinaire: JJ Neward

Subject: Penis Progress: Day 1

Morning:

Amy and I wake up, excited to see how our pinkie-sized penis did during the night, floating in his prescribed bowl o water. It was disappointing, to say the least, that not only had Subject NOT grown, but rather seemed to suffer from some sort of venereal disease which caused excessive, albeit microscopic, flaking.

Amy and I attempt "dirty talk," only to realize Subject was perhaps born Catholic and felt more guilt than excitement at our encouragement. Either that, or Subject suspected we were faking as we crowed over his massive size and extreme prowess. Subject remained unresponsive.

We change the water, thinking that maybe Subject's heritage was tropical and he would be happier in a warmer environment. Alas, as of this writing the temperature of the water has not changed Subject's mind. Thought occurred that he might be gay.

Currently Subject is housed in an espresso cup, as opposed to the 5-gallon bowl we optimistically selected last night.

Further bulletins as events warrant.

Penis Progress: Days 2 and 3

Day 2
Wake today to check on Subject. Might be my imagination, but Subject seems to be the tiniest bit larger. Could also be trick of the eye due to the concave bend in the glass cup.

It is my birthday, so hopes ran high Subject would get me flowers or new brakes. Received nothing, ergo proving the theory that Subject is indeed male. Subject indicated he could not get a gift because "nothing is good enough" for me. Relationship is new enough with Subject that I have decided to find this cute, rather than cheap and absurd.

Day 3
Subject is now roughly the size of my thumb. Want to be excited about Subject's progress, but a little disappointed because I already have 2 thumbs which are by far better companions.

Going to place a beer by the glass and will track any progress. Also putting TV remote within reach and leaving TV set to The View. Hopefully one of these actions will galvanize Subject's movement.

We may have to decide to change our expectations, rather than change Subject. This seems a drastic measure, so it will remain our last resort until such time it becomes apparent that the horse is not only dead but decomposed as well.

Stay tuned.



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Related Links:
Playtime

Friday Video: Praise Song And Dance

There is just no laughter loud enough. Watch this to the end - I beg of you.

SUNDANCE BABY!!!

It is official. "8: THE MORMON PROPOSITION" is going to Sundance. Thrilled-Ecstatic-Screaming-Happygasmic-Joy!!!

Congratulations Reed. You have soooo earned this.

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Related Links:
New And Improved Website. Of particular interest: The "Behind The Scenes" interviews.

Oink If You're Horny

I totally forgot that pig orgasms last for 30 minutes. Huh. Maybe Chris Buttars isn't so ignorant after all...

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Related Links
Pig Sex

What's Up With: Depressing Anti-Depressants?

Seriously, have you paid attention to anti-depressant commercials? They are hilarious. They start out with sad music and images of sad people and tell you about all the other people that your sadness makes sad. Then they give you hope - The Drug! The pill that will take it all away and make it all better. The images become happy, the people smile and dance around in the sunshine. They ride horses and play tennis - almost as if they forgot they weren't in a tampon commercial.

And then, just when you think it is the Serotonin Second Coming, they hit you with the side effects: Dry mouth; canker sores; taste changes; sore throat; runny nose; seasonal allergies; upper respiratory tract infection; acne; skin rash; blurred vision; drowsiness; dizziness; headaches; fatigue; insomnia; tremors; muscle spasms; muscle pain; yawning; sweating; weakness; hot flashes; chills; abdominal pain; heartburn; gas; weight gain; loss of appetite; nausea; vomiting; frequent urination; constipation; diarrhea; tremors; ejaculation, orgasm and / or erectile problems; loss of libido; hepatitis; heart attack; stroke; seizures; anxiety; agitation; abnormal dreams; hallucinations; suicidal thoughts and behavior.

Okay, I have been there. Depression is terrifying and it sucks like nothing else. But come on, now I have a runny nose, canker sores, zits and bloody, oozing skin – which will totally effect my love life, except… wait, I can’t get it up or down or have an orgasm – not that I care because I have completely lost my sex drive. I am dizzy, twitching, sweating, farting, fat, can’t sleep, can’t poop, can’t stop peeing and puking, I am blind and my chocolate now tastes like liver. I am stroking out while having seizures and heart attacks, I am anxious and agitated – probably because of the nightmares and visions of clowns covering me with spaghetti - and I have this uncontrollable, totally not depressing, desire to kill myself.

Shit. I'd rather play with Happy Fun Ball…

Happy Fun Ball

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