Friday Video: Glass Pear, Wild Place

Happy Gratitude Weekend Internetland. Spread the love...

Secret secrets of THE SECRET revealed

Seriously, both this guy's sense of humor and his accent make me need a cigarette...

A Sausage Press For Two

Okay, here’s my two cents on The Secret and the Law of Attraction. The Secret is a very simplistic, cliff notes view of a spiritual principle that is one of the things that I was not able to toss out when I decided that All Things Spiritual = All Things Bullshit.

The Law of Attraction, the belief that we create our own reality, does not exist to just get us cool stuff. It is not about having hot red sports cars and diamond tiaras drop from the sky merely because we think about them. It is about being conscious of our thoughts and feelings and being the masters of our inner worlds. When we really achieve that, miracles happen because of what we have chosen and what we have changed internally.

We get what we put out – if we are kind and loving and generous we get more of that in return than not. We are what we think – if we are positive and joyful we’re going to have, and be, more and more of the same (good luck having a positive and joyful life if you are a grumpy asshole). And we attract people and experiences that are in alignment with who we are allowing ourselves to be – if we insist on living a certain kind of life we just won’t tolerate or, after a while, even notice anything different.

It’s not magic, it’s just the way things work. But, to me, the results that occur from truly changing one’s emotional make up, one’s inner life experience, can only be described as magical.

Example: The Relationship. The act of making space in our closets, putting up a pair of candles in our bedroom, maybe sleeping on one side of the bed IS NOT going to make the partner of our dreams magically appear. What it IS going to do is raise our relationship comfort level and create room psychically to actually allow a partner in when they do show up. We will be a little less selfish, a little less afraid, a little less apt to allow our screaming committment issues to overwhelm and sabotage. We’ll be a little more ready and a little more willing to see something we might otherwise be blind to had we not done a few simple things to change our minds and hearts about being alone.

It’s not about visualizing a physical thing and… BAM! There it is. But, oh how I wish it were. That sausage press trick totally kicks ass.

Honest To God Review: The Secret Saved My Life

This is an honest to God real book review on Amazon. Best review of a book I have ever read. And, the fact that it was written about The Secret gave me Happygasms all over. Val, this made my day!

The Secret Saved My Life
By Ari Brouillette

Please allow me to share with you how "The Secret" changed my life and in a very real and substantive way allowed me to overcome a severe crisis in my personal life. It is well known that the premise of "The Secret" is the science of attracting the things in life that you desire and need and in removing from your life those things that you don't want. Before finding this book, I knew nothing of these principles, the process of positive visualization, and had actually engaged in reckless behaviors to the point of endangering my own life and wellbeing.

At age 36, I found myself in a medium security prison serving 3-5 years for destruction of government property and public intoxication. This was stiff punishment for drunkenly defecating in a mailbox but as the judge pointed out, this was my third conviction for the exact same crime. I obviously had an alcohol problem and a deep and intense disrespect for the postal system, but even more importantly I was ignoring the very fabric of our metaphysical reality and inviting destructive influences into my life.

My fourth day in prison was the first day that I was allowed in general population and while in the recreation yard I was approached by a prisoner named Marcus who calmly informed me that as a new prisoner I had been purchased by him for three packs of Winston cigarettes and 8 ounces of Pruno (prison wine). Marcus elaborated further that I could expect to be raped by him on a daily basis and that I had pretty eyes.

Needless to say, I was deeply shocked that my life had sunk to this level. Although I've never been homophobic I was discovering that I was very rape phobic and dismayed by my overall personal street value of roughly $15. I returned to my cell and sat very quietly, searching myself for answers on how I could improve my life and distance myself from harmful outside influences. At that point, in what I consider to be a miraculous moment, my cell mate Jim Norton informed me that he knew about the Marcus situation and that he had something that could solve my problems. He handed me a copy of "The Secret". Normally I wouldn't have turned to a self help book to resolve such a severe and immediate threat but I literally didn't have any other available alternatives. I immediately opened the book and began to read.

The first few chapters deal with the essence of something called the "Law of Attraction" in which a primal universal force is available to us and can be harnessed for the betterment of our lives. The theoretical nature of the first few chapters wasn't exactly putting me at peace. In fact, I had never meditated and had great difficulty with closing out the chaotic noises of the prison and visualizing the positive changes that I so dearly needed. It was when I reached Chapter 6 "The Secret to Relationships" that I realized how this book could help me distance myself from Marcus and his negative intentions. Starting with chapter six there was a cavity carved into the book and in that cavity was a prison shiv. This particular shiv was a toothbrush with a handle that had been repeatedly melted and ground into a razor sharp point.

The next day in the exercise yard I carried "The Secret" with me and when Marcus approached me I opened the book and stabbed him in the neck. The next eight weeks in solitary confinement provided ample time to practice positive visualization and the 16 hours per day of absolute darkness made visualization about the only thing that I actually could do. I'm not sure that everybody's life will be changed in such a dramatic way by this book but I'm very thankful to have found it and will continue to recommend it heartily.

Friday Video: Apache (Tommy Seebach)

The lead singer. Oh. My. God. There is not enough alcohol in the WORLD...

National Hug A Mormon Day

According to Facebook, today is National Hug A Mormon Day. The event page states "This is a day when you need to hug as many Mormons you know! This is just for fun so please be respectful and go out there and hug as many Mormons as you can! Oh, and invite as many people as you can!!!!!" OMG and LOL!

As many Mormons as I know??? Seriously??? Here in Utah, that is a freaking all day service project. I'll hug my kids and call it a day. I'm personally saving up for Orgasm Day. Now if it were National Goose a Mormon Day and I was allowed to be disrespectful... Hang on...

Okay, who's up for National Jell-O Wrestle a Mormon Day?

Mark Morford: Sex Tape Tips From Carrie Prejean

Remember when I rabidly disagreed with self righteous and homophobic puppet Miss California Carrie Prejean - but at least gave her a nod for having the balls to not talk out of both sides of her mouth? Well, it turns out she's been doing something else out of both sides of her mouth. On tape. 7+ times...

Leave it to my like minded, equally smart assed, hero Mark Morford to mock her in the manner in which she should now be accustomed.

Bless her heart. And her coochie.

Party In The Pig Pen

Hey, Utahans, did you read the Tribune headlines today? "Buttars: An Unlikely Ally For Gays?

All together now - Bah-hahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!

See Internetland, we don't need to be angry. All we need is a bucket of hot buttered popcorn as we kick back and enjoy the circus. Chris Buttars a gay ally? Hardly. How wonderful is it that this crusty curmudgeon of a pig sex lovin' gay basher has had his tangerines put in a vice and squeezed by those in the Big Building who are being similarly juiced?

Oh, the glee. Pass the M&M's.

* * *

Related links:
Pig Sex
Poster Children

Help Jem Crash The Superbowl

Okay, my oh-so-talented singer songwriter friend Jem, sister to my other oh-so-talented singer songwriter friend Yestin, has directed a commercial that she entered in the "Crash the Superbowl" contest. She had to come up with a 30 sec spot for Doritos which she purposely shot in a low budget / home movie style. If it wins it will be shown during the Superbowl. Totally cool...

They are judging soon and it will help to have as many hits as possible. So... CLICK HERE TO VIEW. It takes a minute to download so be patient (there is also a small "skip intro" button at the bottom right.) She got several rude comments from women whose thongs were clearly flossing them a little too aggressively and who also thought she was a man and a pig. I think the spot is hilarious. Pass it along and enjoy!

* * *

Related links:
Jem's Official Website
Yestin and Glass Pear

Positively Pissed

I have gotten more comments and emails on my last post than any other. It seems I am not the only angry person on the planet. Go figure. There are many ex-Mormons / gay individuals that are tired of the fury, tired of letting their anger fester, but cannot figure out how to let it go. I was asked if it helped me to take up a cause. Sure it did, but that is because my Homo vs. Momo anger was very issue specific. Of course it helped me enormously to rant and rave and march and speak out. But what about anger that is a little more general? Will it really help ex-Mormons to work through their anger by making signs and marching on Ward houses every Sunday? Maybe, but only a little. (If you do, please wear costumes and take pictures – then return and report. I beg of you)

What about anger that is focused on something other than [gasp] a religion? All human beings have cause to be angry at something. Be it a religion, a government, a parent, friend, sibling, spouse, former spouse or lover, teacher, roommate, neighbor… We all get angry. Welcome to being human. I don’t think there is anything wrong with feeling anger. It is certainly healthier than depression and it does assist us in looking at things that we might otherwise ignore. Often anger is our deep down guts trying to tell us, teach us, something. It can be our inner selves screaming that something is wrong, that something is out of alignment. Anger makes us feel powerful in the face of something that we once felt, or currently feel, powerless to control. We are usually angry about something that has caused us great pain.

Feeling and experiencing anger is not the problem – it is being unable to move through it, to do something about it and to create something new out of it. It is getting stuck in it and setting up permanent housekeeping on Angry Ave. that becomes the problem.

Here’s how I see it. You’re angry. Okay, great, feel it. Voice it. Have a conversation with it. Out loud. “I am pissed off at --- because it makes me feel ---.” ‘I am pissed off at --- because it hurt me.” Feel the anger and feel the pain without making yourself wrong. Because you’re not wrong. Not at all.

Go running, lift weights, beat the hell out of your couch or bed with a plastic baseball bat. (I, personally, believe this item should be owned by every human being.) Get it out. Have a good cry. It’s not gone? Well, duh. It will be there as long as it’s there. You will feel it as long as you need to feel it. Get angry and then get up and do something about it.

If it gets you to take positive action – great. Feel it and tell yourself, “This anger feels good because it makes me feel ----.” And then, here is the vital part, close your eyes and breathe deeply and imagine how amazing it is going to feel when you no longer feel that anger. Take a few minutes and feel how incredible that freedom will feel. Tell yourself, “I am so excited for the day I no longer feel this anger. I have no freaking idea how I am going to get there, but I can’t wait to find out.” And then go on with your day.

As long as anger is something that we allow to flow through us in order to heal and affect change (rather than something we ball up and store in our guts like a two years supply of food) and as long as we don’t resist it and wrestle too unnecessarily with it and allow ourselves to become angry people, then it is serving its purpose. It is what it is and will be gone when it’s gone. The day will come when you will suddenly grow tired of lugging it around, when you have finally learned and become, and will find that putting it down and walking away is almost effortless.

I promise.

Letting It Go

Okay, so it turns out I’m not actually a gay man. I know – stop the presses. That statement might make you laugh but the truth of it has slapped me upside all four cheeks and changed everything.

A few weeks ago I was talking with a friend about all my reasons for being so pissed off at the Mormon Church and for speaking out about gay rights and, mid-sentence, I hit a wall and literally could not finish what I was saying. And that was it. Just like that I was done. I am done. I can no longer be angry like I have been. I can no longer hate like I have. And I can no longer spend my life marching at the front of someone else’s parade.

That is not to say that I am done caring about the rights of my fellow human beings or that I am done having very specific conversations at very specific times on very specific topics. It just means that I cannot care about someone else’s rights more than I care about my own happiness. I cannot care more about someone else’s sexuality more than I care about the state of my own personal fulfillment. And I cannot care more about tearing down than I do about building and blessing.

I cannot fill my heart with so much passion for gay men that there is no room for the love of a wonderful straight man. I cannot be driven to be a good daughter more than I am driven to have a healthy and autonomous self. And I cannot fill my guts with more anger, more righteous indignation and more piss and vinegar about what someone else says and does than I do with love and kindness and hope and the freedom of forgiveness and passion for being the one in charge of creating my own blissfully happy life and in rocking the planet with as much light and laughter as I possibly can.

My internal scales have been tipped in the wrong direction for far too long. And I am done.

I have been asked by many people what I think of the Mormon Church’s latest statement. I think it is a smokescreen. I think it is an attempt to clean up an ugly and embarrassing mess and a way to get out of the corner they painted themselves into. Is it a step? Sure, but not an enlightened one. It was a PR move, plain and simple. They still referred to full equality as “violence” against marriage. Everyone is Ooo-ing and Ahh-ing because a bully has agreed not to hit so hard. Whatever.

Both Reed and Dustin Lance Black, as well as many others, have spoken out eloquently about it. You all know where I stand and how I feel. Bishop John Shelby Spong wrote a Stunning Manifesto that I echo with all my heart. He will no longer... And I will no longer...

Change is already here. It is a done deal. Many, many individuals and institutions are still digging their heels and will bring up the rear years after the rest – but they will get there. There are many that are still in those institutions and surrounded by those individuals that are working hard to make a difference and then there are those to whom it is all just a non issue who have moved on with their lives and are the embodiment of “being the change they wish to see in the world.”

Memo to my fellow Ex-Mormons: As M, a dear friend of mine, wrote in response to the recent events: “It's part of the historic symptoms of my LDS disease to be looking for crumbs to fall off the patriarchal table. So the moment I start looking, like the abused woman that I am, I gotta remind myself – keep walking away, nothing has changed. Once the spotlight is on – because either the cops have been called or the neighbors have complained – he sends her flowers or can be seen washing her car or offers to take the kids for the day. The woman sighs and says, "This time I think he's really changed," and the community sighs with relief because it wants to avoid confrontation. Morsels dropped to avoid the big one. And yes, the woman experiences momentary relief and is lulled once again into staying in the relationship. Until the next one, or until she wakes up one day all alone to realize she has wasted her life waiting for things to change. And she called it love. And hope. Morsels dropped to keep change at bay. Part of the symptoms of the disease, the dance between abuser and abused, and the community outside marvels. Yikes. This is like saying, ‘Good progress. He's quit beating her. But she still can't own the house, use the check book or sleep under the same roof at night.’ Abuse is abuse is abuse.”

It is time to let it go – the anger, the pain, the massive confusion… Haven’t we had enough? Haven’t our lives been dictated by the Mormon Church long enough? Haven’t we given it enough of our minds, hearts, time and energy? Far too many of us woke up and found ourselves in a mental ward and are still running around the halls yelling and focusing on all the things we see that are crazy – all the things that hurt us and robbed us of so much – rather than opening the doors and just walking away. Rather than basking in the sunshine and embracing lives filled with joy and wholeness and the buckets and buckets of love and freedom that are ours for the taking.

It is time to let go. It is time to move on. It is time to know peace.

The issues are still there and I do still care about them – but never again will I care about them MORE than I care about myself, my children and my loved ones being happy and thoroughly enjoying the playground of this glorious thing we call life.

Friday Video: Trunk Monkey Compilation

For the official record, yes I have things to say about the statement made by "The Church." I have also had life shifting Ah-ha's regarding said issues - still sitting with them and gathering my thoughts.

In the meantime - let's have some monkey fun!!!

Happy To See You Too, Cosmo...

Just When I Thought It Couldn't Get Any Better

I thought that I had found the Pot O' Gold with People Of WALMART. And, indeed, I did. But, behold, the Gods of all things exquisitely humorous have doubled the prize and decided to bestow upon us this new, POW inspired, site.

Internetland, I give you People Of Public Transit. Oh, sweet manna...

Friday Video: German Soccer Fashion Dance

I'm just so blissfully happy...

Flint

When I was in my early twenties, I lived in an apartment with my boy-cousin D. On the night of my twenty fourth birthday, I walked into my bedroom and was greeted by the silhouette of a man who was standing beside my bed. Scared the crap out of me. I flipped on the light and saw a full size, grey mannequin wearing silk boxers, a bow tie and a sign that said, "For your birthday I got you a man." Best gift EVER.

We named him Flint. And we loved him. He was placed in beds and showers and all manner of startling and fall-down-laughing positions and places. He became a member of our family - passed around among our cousins, attending birthday parties... Somewhere along the way, as we both got married and did the grad-school / baby thing, Flint got stored in my uncle's barn, then discarded and was never seen again. The grieving has been enormous.

Then, last Christmas, I opened a gift from my children and literally fell on the floor in greater fits of delight than I have known in a long time.

Sweet manna from heaven, Flint - the romance novel! They found it at the dollar store, wrapped it and buried it under the tree. My Flint is back! Again, best gift EVER.

So, of course, I had to get one for D. I sent it to him for his birthday and he actually read it, forwarding me quotes that sent me snorting through the roof - especially hysterical because he is as goodly and faithful Mormon as you get. Even with that he and I are freakishly alike. In Mormonland we are kind of the angel / devil version of one another. (In Everyone-elseland there is actually nothing wrong with me.)

So now I'm rethinking the whole porn thing. Romance novels are totally porn but without the bad acting, directing, lighting, set dressing... Romance novels put the porn back in our brains and imaginations - which is, perhaps, where it ought to stay. Seriously, how can you go wrong with an opening paragraph like this: "He was a tall man and very good-looking in a rough kind of way. He wore a mustache, his hair was black, and his eyes were a dark grey. His shoulders were wide and his hips lean. He carried with him a air of readiness for trouble. His hard-bitten looks appealed to women. Although Flint Mahone had been carousing for two days and one night when he weaved his way to the bat-wing doors of the Trail's End Saloon, there was the grace of a cat about him..."

I've already started casting - Gerard Butler has graciously agreed to star. And, just maybe, if I could force myself to take the time to read something just for the fun of it (which, remember, is the very best reason to do anything) coupled with the candlelit enjoyment of baked goods, I might actually make it through the winter.

I'll let you know...

The Colbert Report: Nailed 'Em - Mormon Church Trespassing

HAVE I MENTIONED THAT I WANT TO MARRY STEPHEN COLBERT?

Holy crap is this brilliant! I am tired of being angry - bring on the laughter...

The Fifties Sure Got One Thing Right

Oh, how I wish that this was the scene in dance clubs these days. I am tired of getting hoochie humped by five foot tall men with accents I cannot even begin to understand.

My little brother, John, is an amazing swing dancer. He still lives in the SF Bay Area [Insert: quiet sobs] where there is a thriving swing dance scene. Does anyone know if there is REAL swing dancing here in Salt Lake???

[Heavy sigh] This video, combined with my baking skills, just may have to be enough to get me through the winter…

The Good Wife's Guide To Being A Hot Muffin

Brother Hardy is at it again. Only this time, instead of Hot Mormon Missionaries on his calendar, it’s Hot Mormon Muffins. And this time, instead of being referred to as “that calendar guy,” I am proud to call him my oh-so wonderful friend Chad.

Below is the fifth in a series of Muffin Videos. And, to me, was the most inspirational. No, it did not make me want to knock on my neighbors doors and offer them my muffins, or did it make me want to be a Mormon Muffin again myself. But, what it did make me want to do was totally be my own 2009 version of a 50’s Housewife / Vargas Girl. I think that it would behoove all of us women to brush up on the skills needed to bless the men in our lives with hot muffins and other domestic delights. So, I dragged out The Good Wife's Guide from Housekeeping Monthly: May 13, 1955. It is a cornucopia of wonderful wifely tips and advice.

(1) Have dinner ready. Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious meal ready in time for his return. This is a way of letting him know that you have been thinking about him and are concerned about his needs. Most men are hungry when they come home and the prospect of a good meal (especially his favorite dish) is part of the warm welcome needed.

I agree, men are hungry when they get home. Greet him at the door with your hot buttered muffin as an appetizer to the full meal deal that awaits him.

(2) Prepare yourself. Take fifteen minutes to rest so you'll be refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your make-up and put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh - looking. He has just been with a lot of work weary people.

Forget fifteen minutes of rest, sleep all day. And, I’m sorry, but a lone ribbon in your hair isn’t going to make you fresh enough. Remember those tiny little bows we put on our baby girls heads with KY Jelly? Strategically glue them all over your entire body. This, with your hot buttered muffin, will be just the greeting he needs.

(3) Be a little gay and a little more interesting for him. His boring day may need a lift and one of your duties is to provide it. Clear away the clutter. Make one last trip through the main part of the house just before your husband arrives.

Okay, I gotta say on this one - I tried to be a little gay for my ex-husband. Still didn’t work.

(4) Gather up schoolbooks, toys, papers etc... and then run a dishcloth over the tables.

Better yet, turn off all the lights, light one candle and your house is instantly clean - regardless of how many books and papers are all over the floor. And the toys? Well, you’re going to use them later - putting them away is just silly. Dusting is also unnecessary. Splay yourself across the tables with your bows and muffins strategically placed and, voila!, dusting is done.

(5) Over the cooler months of the year, you should prepare and light a fire for him to unwind by. Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order and it will give you a lift too. After all, catering for his comfort will provide you with immense personal satisfaction.

Amen and amen. The party by the fire ain’t just for him, you know… Who wouldn’t want this???

(6) Prepare the children. Take a few minutes to wash the children's hands and faces (if they are small), comb their hair and, if necessary, change their clothes. They are little treasures and he would like to see them playing the part. Minimize all noise. At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise of the washer, dryer or vacuum. Try to encourage the children to be quiet.

Children? What children? I see no children. I hear no children. Children are at grandma’s. Duh.

(7) Be happy to see him.

He brought home the wine and batteries and his appetite for hot buttered muffins, of course we’re happy to see him.

(8) Greet him with a warm smile and show sincerity in your desire to please him.

Weird, this is actually making me want to get married again…

(9) Listen to him. You may have a dozen important things to say, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first - remember, his topics of conversation are more important than yours.

Bah-hahahahahahahaha!

(10) Make the evening his. Never complain if he comes home late, or goes out to dinner, or other places of entertainment without you or even if he stays out all night. Count this as minor compared to what he may have gone through that day. Instead, try to understand his world of strain and pressure and his very real need to be at home and relax.

Wow… I got nothin. If this sounds like your marriage, maybe we should go back and discuss #3.

(11) Your goal: try to make sure your home is a place of peace, order and tranquility where your husband can renew himself in body and spirit.

Don’t we all want that? (Well, that and pet mi…onkeys.)

(12) Don't greet him with complaints and problems.

We’re covered in bows and baked goods. Who’s complaining???

(13) Make him comfortable. Have him lean back in a comfortable chair or have him lie down in the bedroom. Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in a low soothing and pleasant voice. Have a cool or warm drink ready for him.

Check, check and check.

(14) Don't ask him questions about his actions or question his judgment or integrity. Remember, he is the master of the house and as such will always exercise his will with fairness and truthfulness. You have no right to question him.

Wow, the 50's were freaking awesome.

(15) A good wife always knows her place.

This one is true. A good wife (woman) does know her place... and her required position.

In the name of June, the woman that gave us the Beaver, Cleaver... Amen.

Every Muffin A Missionary