Vampire Birth Certificate

Vampire Birth Certificate - watch more funny videos

Many of you will remember, about 3 lifetimes and one hundred relationships ago, I wrote about "The Man." Internetland, I give you Ian Pfister. The vampire. He was a bit tanner when we dated, but whatever... Very good actor, truly great friend and fabulous all around blood-sucking-eternally-undead human being.

Happy Satan Weekend!

Favorite Halloween Joke

A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring.

He replies: "I have a question to ask, but I don't want to offend you"

She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."

"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."

She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic."

The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!

"OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley."

The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

"My dear child," said the nun, "Why are you crying?"

"Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess; I'm married and I'm Jewish."

The nun says, "That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party."

I Hope My Bike Takes You Straight To Hell

 

"(Drawn from memory. May not be to scale.) My bike was stolen from my front lawn last week. It is a one-speed bike with a skull flag and a lightening bolt on it. The lightening bolt and flag may have been removed. This bike was brand new from the store. NO REWARD. I don't even want this bike back. I just made these flyers to tell you that I hate you, bike thief. I hope you ride my bike without a helmet and get hit by a monster truck. I hope my bike takes you straight to hell."

Hot damn! My kids keep asking me what I want for Christmas and now I know! A one-speed bike, with a skull flag and a lightening bolt, that will take me straight to hell.

And World Peace.

Stephen Colbert: Don't Ask Don't Tell

Schmormons. Bah-hahahahahahaha!

My Own Little Traveling Guide

After my last post I was asked if I am trying to change the Mormon Church or the country. The truth is it would be ludicrous, and obscenely narcissistic, of me to think I could change either one.

Many years ago I was told the following story: There was once a King who decided to hold a contest. He gathered everyone in his kingdom together at a certain place on a certain road that led to his castle and announced that he would give a great prize to the person who traveled the road the best.

Each person tried to out do the next in creativity, strength and agility – dancing, spinning, walking on their hands, cart wheeling and hand springing… They created outrageous bicycles and other wheeled contraptions. They all did their very best - even when, one by one, they came upon a large pile of dirt and rocks in the middle of the road that they had to stop and climb over.

As every person reached the castle the King asked them how their journey down the road had been. And every person answered the same way – it was great except for that annoying pile of rubble in the way.

The King threw a feast for all who had participated and as the celebration was coming to a close, in walked one lone straggler – a young man, tired and hungry, hours later than the rest. In his arms he carried a large wooden chest. The king asked him what had taken him so long and he apologized for being late, explained that there had been a pile of rubble in the road that he had stopped to clean up. He had found the chest under the rocks and had come to return it to its rightful owner.

The king stopped the festivities - announcing to the crowd that this young man had won the prize, a chest full of gold, because “He who travels the road best is the one who makes it better for those that come after him.”

That’s all I am trying to do – not because I think I am super special or am after any sort of prize but because I really believe that is how I am to live my life. All any of us can do is to share where we have been with others that are traveling on the same road and do our best to make the journey safer and better for them. If people don’t want to listen to what I have to say, or don’t want to be affected by things I have to share, then they absolutely don’t have to. There are millions of people whose life path is nowhere near mine. I’m just doing my best to ease the hearts of fellow travelers who feel the same pain I have felt and are climbing over the same obstacles I have – that’s all.

And, yes, I’m still committed to figuring out how to do this from a clown car rather than an army tank. Maybe we’ll have to settle for a polka dotted tank that shoots bubbles and sunflowers and chocolate kisses. And an occasional shot of Tequila...

A Better Place

"I expect to pass through life but once. If therefore, there be any kindness I can show, or any good thing I can do to any fellow being, let me do it now, and not defer or neglect it, as I shall not pass this way again." William Penn

My mother has always taught me to leave the world a better place than I found it. When I go on a walk and see garbage lying around, I hear her voice in my head and, if I can, I do something about it. If there is a garbage can nearby, I pick it up - even if I have to walk a little ways. This used to embarrass my kids sometimes but, oh well. I've embarrassed them in such grander ways - the garbage thing is not what they will remember first. But, my conviction that we need to leave the world a better place than we found it is something I hope they never forget.

Although it doesn't look like it to many, many people, deep in my heart, this actually is what I am doing as I fight for gay rights. I’ve looked around the landscape and seen a lot of garbage that needs cleaning up.

I have written about my difficulty in keeping Angry Woman in check. It is, clearly, not easy for me. My anger is big and it is justified. However, what good does it do to walk along the street and fly into fits of rage at the garbage - ranting and raving and kicking it and cursing those that leave it there? While it may be natural to feel it, it alone gets nothing done. It makes the screamer, me, miserable and actually just adds more crap to the pile. Choice: I can either shut up and ignore it or I can get to work and clean it up.

Obviously I ain't ignoring this one. I am doing my part to clean it up. Reed reminded me of a wonderful quote by Elie Weisel [Night.] “I swore never to be silent whenever human beings endure suffering and humiliation. We must always take sides. Neutrality helps the oppressor, never the victim. Silence encourages the tormentor, never the tormented.” Sides have been chosen and passions are rising. Both sides are digging in and fighting harder.

The question I keep asking myself is: if I desire to leave the world a better place, am I really accomplishing that by adding to all the negativity and anger flying around? Of course not. I keep being reminded by older generations that the fire of my anger is fueled by my youth. I can see that. Plus, I am still processing the damage of my own religious experience. And I still live in Utah – not at all helpful. I watch older activists and movers and shakers and their rage has morphed from ranting tantrums to more of a quite determination – a strong and clear intention to just move in and resolutely do what needs to be done. I hold them as examples of where I hope to find myself soon because, let's face it, The Queen of Clear Intention is WAY prettier than The Angry Woman of Bitter Shit Slinging. She smells better too.

So, seeing as how I am not moving on from this for a while yet, for my own spiritual and emotional well being – not to mention the place I am trying to make better – it is imperative that I focus more clearly on what I DO want rather than what I DON’T want. That is true for all of us – no matter what issue we are chewing on and wrestling with. I think it is a life truth. The things we say “Yes” to have to be louder, higher on the list and must far outweigh the things we say “No” to.

We have to remember that in saying “No” to bigotry, ignorance, intolerance, violence, hatred… we are actually, and much more importantly, saying “Yes” to equality, enlightenment, tolerance, understanding, peace and love.

I think that our Yes's hold far more power than our No's anyway. I think that in saying “Yes” as courageously and loudly as we can, we will actually find less and less things to say “No” to. And, ultimately, I think it is in saying a ginormous "Yes" to Life and to Love, in their countless forms, that we will all, without question, leave this world an infinitely better place than we found it.

Friday Video: Kiwi!

Do Me A Favor

Disregard the Google ad to the left offering a free Book of Mormon. WRONG SITE FOR THAT NIFTY GIVE AWAY.

I do have some really fun adult toys you might be interested in though...

Black Taco

Have you all heard and seen the ads for Taco Bell's Black Taco with its techno-mention of "black mambo?" Seriously, HOW did this slip from the creative table of high college frat boys to actually being approved by a board, created and advertised??? As a good friend of mine put it, "What, were the pervs on the creative team just peeing their pants when the white shirts approved the script as-is? Every major corporation should make sure to have a perv on the team to give every ad the “double entendre check.”

We decided that we totally qualify and are generously offering our services.

Makes My Taco Pop

Bah-hahahahahahahaha! Thanks Mr. B!

Jem: I Want You To...

I love having so many creative friends! They make life interesting and sexy. Check out Jem's latest video - which is also her directorial debut. Jem, an absolute sweetheart, is Yestin's sister (gotta love his cameo in this video shot in my friend Todd's house in LA - the view from his back yard in the Hollywood hills is, obviously, to die for.)

8:TMP Huffington Post

Great article for any and all interested.

8 The Mormon Proposition

I cannot think of many things in my life I am prouder of than my participation in Reed's film. And the depths of gratitude I feel for him and his willingness to take this on - well, there really are no words.

The website is now up. Check out the trailer, it is amazing. Spread the word and stay tuned for updates...

8 The Mormon Proposition.

Friday Video: Cougar Barbie

Cougar Barbie - Amazing videos are here

This is totally unrealistic - college guys don't run from us AT ALL.

People Of Walmart

I have a new favorite website - even better than Cake Wrecks and Awkward Family Photos.

Internetland, welcome to The People of Walmart. Know them, love them, let them disturb you and become your newest, and greatest, obsession - like a train wreck of human weirdness you cannot look away from no matter how much it makes you want to eat your own head.

I Hate To Say It...

Visit msnbc.com for Breaking News, World News, and News about the Economy

From The Frying Pan Into The Fire

Just when one thought they couldn't, or rather wouldn't, make things worse for themselves... Holy shit. Seriously??? The backlash against the Mormon Church after Prop 8, for which they have NO ONE to blame but themselves, is like what was suffered by blacks in the South during their struggle for civil rights??? Are you freaking kidding me? Remember what Mormon leaders said about those same blacks? and the "problem of The Negro?"

Wow...

While all I can really do is laugh, I find that I can't help feeling a bit sorry for the stupidity and the depths to which they keep digging. At his point I just want to grab them all by the lips and say, "STOP TALKING."

I'm as sick of this topic as most of you are. If I give up the Homo's vs. the Momo's for a while can I have my midgets back? No? Fine. I need to find something else to cleanse the palate...

Oh, oh, oh!!! The Hoff wet the bed!!! My true love is back in rehab after apparently going on another bender and ruining two hotel mattresses. Yep, it soaked all the way through. Eww...

Those puppies better watch out.

Connect The Dots

I love history. If I were to ever return to school and actually get the degree I bailed on in order to become the Mega Hollywood Starlet I am today, I would most likely study history. I think that we can't truly know who we are until we understand who we were, both as individuals and as a human family. Plus, I just think it's fascinating - learning the origins of people, places and things.

The following made me giggle, especially in light of my current annoyance at certain horse's asses that are clinging to, and enforcing, outdated and ineffective modes of spiritual and emotional transportation.

"The US standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet, 8.5 inches. That's an exceedingly odd number.

Why was that gauge used? Because that's the way they built them in England, and English expatriates built the US railroads.

Why did the English build them like that? Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who built the pre-railroad tramways, and that's the gauge they used.

Why did 'they' use that gauge then? Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and tools that they used for building wagons, which used that wheel spacing.

Why did the wagons have that particular odd wheel spacing? Well, if they tried to use any other spacing, the wagon wheels would break on some of the old, long distance roads in England, because that's the spacing of the wheel ruts.

So who built those old rutted roads? Imperial Rome built the first long distance roads in Europe (and England ) for their legions. The roads have been used ever since.

And the ruts in the roads? Roman war chariots formed the initial ruts, which everyone else had to match for fear of destroying their wagon wheels. Since the chariots were made for Imperial Rome, they were all alike in the matter of wheel spacing. Therefore the United States standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches is derived from the original specifications for an Imperial Roman war chariot.. Bureaucracies live forever.

So the next time you are handed a specification/procedure/process and wonder 'What horse's ass came up with it?', you may be exactly right. Imperial Roman army chariots were made just wide enough to accommodate the rear ends of two war horses. (Two horse's asses.) Now, the twist to the story:

When you see a Space Shuttle sitting on its launch pad, there are two big booster rockets attached to the sides of the main fuel tank. These are solid rocket boosters, or SRB's. The SRB's are made by Thiokol at their factory in Utah . The engineers who designed the SRB's would have preferred to make them a bit fatter, but the SRB's had to be shipped by train from the factory to the launch site. The railroad line from the factory happens to run through a tunnel in the mountains, and the SRB's had to fit through that tunnel. The tunnel is slightly wider than the railroad track, and the railroad track, as you now know, is about as wide as two horses' behinds.

So, a major Space Shuttle design feature of what is arguably the world's most advanced transportation system was determined over two thousand years ago by the width of a horse's ass. And you thought being a horse's ass wasn't important?

Ancient horse's asses control almost everything... and CURRENT Horses Asses are controlling everything else.

It Is On

I am fascinated and excited as I watch the battle between the gay community and the Mormon Church and their respective supporters. When Prop 8 first hit, you will all remember my outrage and tantrums sprinkled with grape Kool-Aid metaphors. More recently, as I have tried to sit back and watch with whatever objectivity I am capable of – which, admittedly, is not always that much – my anger has shifted a bit towards more of a calm determination and I have finally been fairly successful at one thing: Separating the general leadership of the Mormon Church from the general membership of the Mormon Church.

While I absolutely disagree with the average member’s across the board obedience and beliefs, I actually do remember what it was like to be counted among them. I think of the handfuls of family and friends I have that are still believers. I love them dearly. They are good, solid and kind people and they deserve far better than their leaders are giving them. I am guessing they would disagree with that last statement because they really, honestly believe that their leaders do represent God. And even I believe that when one does believe fervently in something one has the right to fight for whatever that thing is.

Many Mormons are beginning to take a look around and are seeing that things are not right. Many are questioning and opening their hearts and shifting and softening their once hardened positions. They want things to change. Even members that aren’t, while cruelty and ignorance cannot be overlooked, are only doing and believing what their leaders tell them to. My personal focus is not on the members of the Mormon Church it is on the leaders of the Mormon Church.

Those of us that are fighting against The Church are also fighting for something we fervently believe in. We honestly no longer believe that LDS leaders represent God, nor do they speak for God. Their position on homosexuality hurts people – deeply. It devastates gay individuals and their families. It rips families apart. Countless gay children grow up in the LDS church certain that they are evil and worthless. The streets of Salt Lake City are littered with homeless gay kids that have been kicked out of their homes after coming out to their righteous LDS parents. It makes gay members wish they were dead and causes many of them to follow through with that desire. And, just as heartbreaking, it causes ignorant individuals that claim to love and follow Jesus Christ declare that gay people should go ahead and kill themselves – that the world would be far better without them in it. [See comments left on video posted below.] The LDS Church’s position was softening a bit, they were slowly making progress, but back tracked a thousand miles when Elder Hafen opened his mouth at Evergreen. Big mistake.

Because, here is the thing – they have finally just hurt too many people. Too many members that gave them everything they had are not taking it anymore. Too many people that never even thought about the Mormon Church until they took away their civil rights – those same people that, truth be told, would fight on behalf of the Mormons if their rights were being taken from them – are not taking it anymore. Too many people that have taken their abuse for far too long are not going to rest until they have stopped – until things are different.

It happened before. There was enough social pressure, like other universities boycotting BYU sports, to force the “revelation” that, despite the violent reaction of hundreds of thousands of bigoted Saints, gave blacks the priesthood. It will happen again. Pressure will not ease up until it does.

And when that day comes, the membership of the Mormon Church will once again be left peacefully alone to believe and worship however it wishes, because that is the way it should be.

Coming Out Mormon

Finally, parents who got it right...

President Obama speaks at the annual HRC Dinner, Part 1

It is hard for me to convey how I felt watching this. 25 plus years ago, when I was a little girl with a gay daddy, something like this was unheard of. Unimaginable. To my father this was just a dream. He would have cheered and sobbed had he lived to see this. Believe me, I did it for him.

President Obama speaks at the annual HRC Dinner, Part 2

President Obama speaks at the annual HRC Dinner, Part 3

Friday Video - The Fun Theory

Translation of the Swedish text:

(1) "Can we get more people to choose the stairs by making them more fun?"

(2) "66% more than normal chose the stairs instead of... the escalator."

(3) "Joy can apparently change behavior."

(4) We call it the fun theory.

Amen! Joy absolutely changes behavior and transforms mundane tasks into celebrations of life. Time for Lord of the Naked Laundry Dance.

Have a happygasmic weekend.

"My eyes!!! MY EYES!!!"

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!

Glass Pear

Internetland, it is high freaking time I introduce you to my friend Yestin Griffiths. When I first met Yestin (pronounced "Justin" or "Yummy" - whichever you prefer) I would have been instantly attracted to him were it not for the fact that he is the spitting image of my dearly departed drag queen godfather. Perhaps I should rephrase that... When I first met Yestin I was wildly attracted to him until the likeness pivoted around and bit me on the ass. Then I wanted more than anything to just stare at him for hours, snuggle up and ask him questions about Jesus and where the hell his diamond earrings and stilettos disappeared to. Fortunately for Yestin, I refrained from all but the staring - which was fine. He's oh-so-lovely and I'm sure oh-so-used to it.

Yestin is a singer / songwriter from Wales with an accent that I am dying to have read me bedtime stories and whose songs never fail to land me smack dab in the middle of every dream from which I awoke too early and found myself aching to get back to. You know the kind of music that makes you want to stop everything you're doing and lie down under a blanket of stars? That is Glass Pear. The best thing about his songs is that their beauty and clarity match the soul that created them - which is not always the case but so bloody refreshing when it is.

Check out his music on his Facebook Fan Page. You may recognize it from "The Vampire Diaries," "90210" and "Grey's Anatomy."

I am dying to get him here to Utah. Yestin in concert at the Red Butte Gardens would be bliss.

Get to know and love him. You'll be oh-so-glad you did.

Glass Pear - My Ghost

Glass Pear - Last Days Of Your Life

I Think I Dated The Guy In The Glasses

This one deserved it's own post. Dare I say, almost as good as Kitty Wigs.

Almost.

Adam & Eve According To The Koran

The other day I ran an errand with Juiceman to the University of Utah Medical Center - picking up crack or something. In the waiting room was a couple: He, bearded and dressed in plaid; she, covered head to toe in a black tent with a tiny, lace covered, slit for her eyes. She looked like the grim reaper. It was unnerving - like I was suddenly in a Monty Python sketch.

So today, ginormous gratitude that my life allows me to be misquoted in newspapers and circle the block naked whilst giving the finger to my religion of choice.

Check out Adam. The longer I stare the harder I laugh. Reminds me of that Katharine Whitehorn quote: Outside every thin woman is a fat man, trying to get in.

Eww...

Let The Fun Begin

I already mentioned that I was mis-quoted last week in the Deseret News as saying something about gay Mormons being Mormons on their own terms and using the precious phrase "each and every one of us." [Barf.] I had to laugh out loud when I read this entry on Mormon Apologetic & Discussion Board titled "Emily Pearson Distorts Mormonism" with the screaming Simpsons character beneath it. This is only going to be happening more and more and I will soon stop having the energy or desire to address it. But today, I am all over it.

I love the title. This is something that I have gotten used to by now. It still bugs but, whatever... I do not distort MY Mormon experience in the least. My experience being Mormon is my experience and no one can tell me it isn't. I know that individuals that have had a wonderful, and life affirming, experience being Mormon will not agree with me. Why would they? Their experience is their experience. My view of the Mormon Church is NOT distorted - it is merely different and there are many that are horribly threatened by it. Oh well. That's really not my problem. I cannot control how another person is going to feel about, or react to, my sharing of my religious experience.

Uh, what? How is her being "very Mormon" difficult to reconcile with the behaviors of her father and her husband? Uh, yeah. Seriously, you don't even get that a very faithful Mormon who believes all she is taught in church would have a horrible time reconciling the homosexuality of her father and husband with those teachings? Come on.

After all these years I have finally had enough of Mormons that are not gay or have never had a gay spouse, parent, child, sibling, friend... think that they have anything to say on the subject that even matters to those of us that do. Do you really think that we don't know what "God" has to say on the matter? Do you you really think that we haven't bruised our knees in prayer and bloodied our fists pounding on the doors of heaven begging for answers that actually make sense? You can blog and gab parties and at the dinner table and think you know what you're talking about - but you don't. It is not just a fun topic to debate and kick around for us. Prop 8 changed everything. If you don't have personal experience in what it is like for gay Mormons and their loved ones then I don't want to hear it. You have nothing to say that I am interested in hearing for the thousandth time. Trust me.

To me this feels exactly like I'm sitting around listening to people argue back and forth, with all the passion and big words they can muster, about whether or not the world is round. I am baffled that the discussion is still being had. I have been in the boat for decades and have seen that there is no edge to fall off of. And I have stopped caring if others don't get it. Unless you have been on the boat, I don't want to hear it.

The rest of the comments are made about words and phrases I didn't actually say. The reporter and I talked for a few minutes and she put whatever I said in her own words, in a fairly disconnected way. But this happens all the time. It is rare that I have given an interview and been quoted correctly. Welcome to it. And this is just the beginning. When "Dancing With Crazy" is released early next year [more on that soon] this will be happening all the time. If I care, I will address it here. But, chances are I won't care and will just not choose to tangle with the Tar Baby.

One thing they did get right. "Hmm. She sounds like she's advocating defiance of the Church's teachings here." Damn right I am.

Hope to see many of you at the Memorial Service on Sunday.