Big Mac Anyone?

This photo is of 19 year old Sydney model Stephanie Naumoska who was one of 32 contestants in the Australian Miss Universe pageant. Okay, where do I even begin with this one?

First of all, I have always laughed at the unbelievable narcissism of individual countries holding a Miss Universe pageant. Really??? A woman from Australia, Sweden or, as is usually the case, Venezuela can be crowned the most beautiful woman in the entire universe??? How the hell do they know? Maybe there are some totally hot women practicing their splits and twirling skills as we speak on some planet that we have yet to discover. And who would judge a real Miss Universe contest fairly? Obviously people from other planets are bald, have really long necks and giant saucer-like eyes. Would a judge from earth really vote for them? And what about alien judges? Do you really think they would vote for a human? We have skin and hair and smell like dairy. I'm sorry Honey, but if you win this particular contest you're only Miss Planet Earth. Deal with it.

This woman is 5 feet 11 inches tall, weighs just 108 lbs. and has a body mass index of 15.1. The official benchmark for malnutrition, by the way, is 18. I remember seeing bodies like this one in documentaries on both the holocaust and third world starvation. Take away the make up and string bikini, lay her on a mat and put a few flies on her face and there is little difference.

Seriously, we're still doing this to ourselves? Yep. I had friends with eating disorders in high school and I have friends with eating disorders now. My friends and I bitch and moan about our butts and the little bit o' belly that folds over our pants when we sit down. We want our chins to be this, our boobs to be that, the hair on our heads to do this and the rest of our hair waxed to do that. I step back and can't believe that we are still here.

We tell ourselves it's for men. To attract men. Guess what? Men don't care nearly as much as we do. Stand naked in front of a man and he's pretty much just happy to be there. Take off our clothes in a ladies locker room or swimming pool and every woman there is scanning us for flaws - immediately comparing every inch for either validation or as another excuse to self loathe. And we do the same right back. It's not about the men Ladies - it is about us. We do it to ourselves to show each other up.

Guys aren't always the most helpful though. I once dated a guy that grabbed me and told me how much he loved me, everything about me - even my belly (that his stick figure ex-wife didn't have and he was willing to overlook) then he proceeded to grab a hold of my midriff and jiggle. Obviously that is not something I have let go of. Nor have I forgotten the guy that told me he just couldn't be with a woman whose thighs were bigger than his. Now, I am by no means an overly large woman. I am not considered fat. I am, however a 40 year old mother of two. I do not have a perfect body by any stretch but I'm sorry, it is NOT my fault that this particular guy had the skinniest chicken legs humankind has ever seen. Like the photo above without the tan and muscle tone. But I was the one that was undateable because my legs were bigger than his.

Happily, these are the exception. I'm sticking to what I said above: Women + naked = happy men. I'll even go so far as to say this includes many gay men. Although, while straight men want to devour naked women - gay men want to accessorize them. But the appreciation is there nonetheless.

Enough. I declare an end to my personal body war. I will continue to run 6+ miles 2-3times a week and weight train the days in between. And I will continue to stretch and do yoga and drink a ton of water and get enough sleep. I will eat as many alive fruits and vegetables and whole grains as possible. AND I will continue to drink wine and eat baked goods and carbs without brain damaged guilt. And, above all else, I will continue my passionate love affair with chocolate because it makes me deliriously happy.

And happy and healthy beat skinny and sad any damn day of the week.

The Reason Why Usa Still Has Troops In Iraq

I'm pretty sure someone, somewhere, will be offended that I find this hysterical. Whatever. I cannot stop playing it over and over and over...

Ninja Tips For Healthy Living #10

It is important for Ninjas to not be their own worst enemy. Therefore, Ninjas should be sure to practice proper dental care before wearing a face mask.

More To Chew On

Anyone interested in a different take on the gay marriage battle from a gay man, and expanding all this a bit more, check out this article: Love, War - and Gay Marriage.

Are Violent Video Games Adequately Preparing Children For The Apocalypse?

Well, my kids already know how to collect the morning dew from human skulls - so they are well ahead of the game. Yours?

Whose Line Is It Anyway - Richard Simmons (Hilarious!)

Happy Friday Night Internetland!

This Post Is NOT About Gay Marriage

What's up with the pornstaches, Dudes??? Come on now! I get that oftentimes the Hollywood set has to sport less than flattering haircuts and facial hair for films in production - but that doesn't mean that I don't get to mock them inside out for it.

Okay, while this is not my favorite look for Brad Pitt, it is forgivable - clearly it was for his role in Inglourious Basterds. I do have to say though, even though he is not in my fantasy harem, it does make me sad to see him looking old. Brad Pitt just needs to stay Brad Pitt for the planet to continue spinning.

Robert Downey Jr. Wow. Was this for a role in some really bad 70's porn? I am a huge fan of his and this picture just makes me itch. Not in a good way. However... if this were for some type of Tribute to 70's Porn flick I would have to re-think my whole porn and gardening when I'm 70 thing. There is no way I could wait that long to see him pole dancing in sparkles to Stayin' Alive.

Orlando Bloom. What the hell??? Seriously??? Okay, I have always liked him. Thought he was great in the Lord of the Rings / Pirates of the Caribbean movies. I even felt bad the day I, literally, could not stop laughing when Rotten Tomatoes called him "Little Miss Mouse Fart" in a review of Troy. That is, like, the worst thing you can call a man. But look at his pornstache picture! Totally Little Miss Mouse Fart.

I am not a huge fan of the lone mustache. A mustache with a soul patch? Fine - if you can pull it off. Beards and goatees? Sexy if you have the face for them. Some men are actually better looking with facial hair. My sweet dad didn't have much of a chin - thus a very handsome beard (and I am NOT referring to my mother!) I have a good friend that showed up at my house a couple of weeks ago sporting a handlebar mustache. It was awesome! He has the face and personality for it. But he is the exception and NOT the rule.

Another very important exception: Tom Selleck. Tom Selleck MUST have a mustache. He is yummy as hell in "Magnum PI" and later in "Friends." Seeing him without the mustache makes me shrivel like a salted snail. It is a crime. The breaking of a commandment.

Before we close, we must pay homage to the man that can pull off any and all facial hair. A lone mustache. A mustache with a soul patch. A goatee. A beard of any length. A beard of bees and mustache made of marmalade. Johnny Depp. [Sigh]


Little Miss Mouse Fart. Bless his Bloomin' heart.

Careful Where You Step

Such great comments are being made on the No Crown For You post. Gay Marriage is a highly charged, very emotional, topic - for both sides. Any conversation between the For-bies and the Against-ers is going to be a walk on a mine field. Yes, we are all - including me - throwing out opinions and arguments that are often fueled by anger. Those of us that have actually taken sides feel passionate about where we stand and we all have our reasons for believing as we do. And we are not going to agree - we just aren't. I love that Melinda admitted to being on the fence - she is actually thinking about it and using her brain to decide. She is taking it seriously and not being swayed by either her religious leaders NOR her obnoxious and loud blogger friend. She will figure it out for herself - as we all are.

Can we on the Pro side "Hate the belief, but love the believer" the same way they "Hate the Sin, but love the sinner?" I don't know. Depends on the relationship. Some are strong enough, some not. Welcome to the battle.

Candis made a good point about the comment "I've never heard anyone on the liberal side trying to use any sort of religious argument to convince people to allow gay marriage" when she said, "Uh. . . really? Did you happen to read the last sentence of the blog post you're commenting on?" I did throw Jesus in the pot there, didn't I? Yeah, that was my dig in response to the many religious arguments being used against gay marriage. But there is no point in throwing the "Jesus Said" rocks at one another - again, we are NEVER going to agree. For those of us on the Pro side, this is not a religious issue. It is a human rights issue. Period. To those on the Against side it is not a human rights issue. It is a religious issue. Period.

There is a book that I have heard is amazing. I have purchased it but have not yet had the time to read it. It is called "Gay Marriage: Why It Is Good for Gays, Good for Straights, and Good for America" by Jonathan Rauch. It is supposed to be very logical and even handed. Anyone read it that would like to comment? If anyone would like to read it and comment I would be more than happy to post your review / thoughts.

You all know why this is such an emotional issue for me. And, while 99.9% of the Against arguments make absolutely no sense to me at all, I do understand why they make sense to others. The one I do not get is the Threat to the Family one. I simply, logically, do not understand how a gay couple getting to create their own legal family unit threatens anyone else's family unit. Please, someone help me understand that one. I don't want to hear "Churches will be forced..." "Schools will be forced..." arguments. How does it threaten other families??? Help me understand that one.

* Side Note: Yeah, even I'm getting tired of blogging about this issue. I need to go on a date with a hillbilly and mix things up a bit. Actually, that is the absolute last thing I need. Never mind.

A Gaythering Storm

A Gaythering Storm from Jane Lynch

No Crown For You

Miss Calif.: Anti-gay marriage answer 'Cost me my crown'
MSN Entertainment

Miss California Carrie Prejean thinks her anti-same sex marriage opinion cost her the Miss USA title on Sunday.

In an interview on Monday's Billy Bush Show Prejean stated: "It did cost me my crown. I wouldn't have had it any other way. I said what I feel. I stated an opinion that was true to myself and that's all I can do."

During the show, celebrity judge Perez Hilton asked Prejean on whether she thought same-sex marriage should be legalized. Prejean replied: "In my country, and in my family, I believe that a marriage should be between a man and a woman." Prejean later lost to Miss North Carolina Kristen Dalton, who took home the crown.

"It is a very touchy subject and (Hilton) is a homosexual and I see where he was coming from and I see the audience would've wanted me to be more politically correct," she said. "But I was raised in a way that you can never compromise your beliefs and your opinions for anything."

Even though her answer stirred up some controversy, Prejean said she still felt like she won the competition.

"I feel like I'm the winner. I really do," Prejean said, mentioning that she had more than 200 friend requests and 1,000 new messages on Facebook.

A lot of people, many friends of mine included, are really pissed off at her. Being the gay rights megaphone that I am, you'd think I would want to 2X4 her. Strangely, I'm not pissed off or surprised - just more and more determined to keep pushing forward. And, you know what? I find it weirdly refreshing that she at least stood where she stood and spoke what was true for her - right in the face of a gay man and in a industry largely run, and supported by, gay men. That took serious balls. Not that I agree with her in the tiniest little bit. I do not think she stood as a beacon for righteousness and protection of the almighty and oh-so-horribly threatened family. Her truth is bigotry. But I am so tired of people talking out of one side of their mouths out of fear, and in order to be politically correct, and then turning round in private and rolling their eyes and bashing the gays. That happens way too much - here in Utah especially.

People that oppose gay rights and gay marriage are standing firm all over the place. Fine. Good for them. It is better than being two faced pussies about it. But they must also know that there are now consequences for doing so. Friends of mine, gay and straight, have chosen out of long time friendships with people that are clinging to their bigotry. I have not had to yet. People kind of know not to step on that land mine with me. And, they understand why I feel the way I feel. It used to be the case that those of us that supported gay rights would keep our mouths shut and say to ourselves, "They don't know any better, it's what they have been taught. Just let them be." No more. Prop 8 crossed the line and no one is taking it anymore.

Those individuals that discriminate against gays do not yet see that it is no different than discriminating against women, blacks, Jews... the list goes on and on. And they may never see it in this lifetime. But they do need to know, here and now, that they can no longer open their mouths, judge and condemn people, and expect to be awarded for it. There are no crowns being given out for hatred.

They will continue to praise each other and give one another big pats on the back. They will support one another in their fear and judgement and convince themselves that it is okay because they are on the Lord's errand. They are standing for truth and know that their treasure, their crown, is in heaven.

I just think they are going to be more than a little surprised when they finally leave this life and sit down for a little chat with Jesus. What did he teach, again? Oh, yeah...

The Colbert Coalition's Anti-Gay Marriage Ad

The Colbert Report	Mon - Thurs 11:30pm / 10:30c
The Colbert Coalition's Anti-Gay Marriage Ad
colbertnation.com
Colbert Report Full Episodes Political Humor NASA Name Contest

Can I marry him? Please, oh please, oh please???

Ninja Tips For Healthy Living #9

It’s good for ninjas to treat themselves to western pleasures occasionally. That’s why there’s nothing wrong with putting on a comfortable Ninjas outfit, lighting some candles, and watching “Ninja Vixens: Virgin Nightmares.”

Susan Boyle - Britains Got Talent 2009 Episode 1 - Saturday 11th April

I think we just found Paul Pott's sister.

Ode To Wiggins

Okay, so I may not have a village. I may not have a tribe, a husband, a wife, a domestic partner or an Alice but, dammit, I do have a Wiggins. And do you hear that? That aria that sounds like the fat lady had too much tequila before stepping on stage? That's me singing his praises.

I first met Wiggins when he was our accountant at Main Street Movie Co. After he and his wife moved back east we never stopped bitching about his absence - since every freaking person we hired after him just wasn't... him. BUT - for the past 6-7 years the blessed angel has done my taxes for me. Because he is sweet as hell and I am ridiculously inept. Of course, considering I make slightly over $14.37 per year it hasn't been too hard for him. But still, it has been huge for me. Unbelievably appreciated. And I love him for it.

So, while Johnny Depp still isn't returning my phone calls, Wiggins is. And he is smart and kind and tall and has beautiful eyes and an amazing smile and clearly loves charity work. Bless him. No, ladies I am not pimping Wiggins out - although he is definitely something no single woman should be without. I am very lucky.

My taxes are done. [Sigh.] Now if I could only find someone to fix my toilet that has broken for the 5th time this year - has already been fixed by one fire fighter, one Juiceman, one sexy musician and one son - and has suddenly decided to masquerade as a bidet...

It's The Story Of A Lovely Lady

For as much as I loathe the concept of polygamy, it is amazing how many times I hear myself say, "God, I need a wife." I used to joke about it when I was married but now that I am a one woman show - providing for my children emotionally & financially, running a house & earning a living all on my own - I say it with increasing frequency.

My mom and I were talking about the concept of tribes and how, historically, the human race lived in tribes for hundreds of years. Groups of people, friends and family, lived and worked together doing all that needed to be done for the welfare of the group. I'm sure there were drawbacks to that - there are many people in my life that I would vote off of Tribe Island in a heart beat. But in many ways it would be so nice and could work so well. Now we have our little encapsulated nuclear families and sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't - especially for us single parents.

It does take a village to raise a child and to support the family unit. I really don't think that we are made to go it alone - not as families and certainly not as parents. I know that I'm not built to do all that I do alone. I have amazing friends but everyone is busy and swamped in their own lives. And no one really has the tribe mentality these days even though it could make life so much easier, more productive and happier for so many people. I am still not giving up on finding my perfect male counterpart to share life with but, in the meantime, it sure would be nice to have a wife.

Okay, I guess not a wife. I need an assistant. A maid. I need... an Alice. I need the backbone of the Brady's to move into my house and live in her room just off the kitchen. I need her to clean and shop and cook and drive kids around and always be there and give a shit about what happens in our lives every day. Plus, in my home, Alice would also be a masseuse. Ah... a massaging maid. Now we're talking.

D.U.N.G For Brains

Happy Easter!!!

Facing East: The Musical

Yeah, you read that right. Facing East: the musical. When my mom first told me that she had been approached by a guy that wanted to make her play Facing East into a musical I cringed. And then I laughed. I was instantly barraged with images of Hugh Jackman leaping from an open grave belting, "I gotta be me, I just gotta be me!" while Alex, Ruth and Marcus back him doing the Suicide Soft-shoe. Honestly, I thought that it would be the weirdest, most depressing piece of musical dinner theater imaginable. But as loud and opinionated as I so often am, I am also totally open to being wrong - which I, again, so often am. And this just may be one of those times.

For those of you not familiar with Facing East, it is a stage play written by my mother, Carol Lynn Pearson about a Mormon couple whose twenty four year old gay son has just committed suicide. It is an intensely powerful and important piece. It was produced here in Salt Lake by the Plan B Theater Company, then had an Off-Broadway run, a San Francisco run and is now being done by several smaller, very prestigious, theater companies.

So, back to the musical. Mom has forwarded me several lyrics and pieces of songs that they have created and I must say, they are really quite beautiful. And I find myself excited to see what they come up with. Any interested Facing East fans can check out their website and blog for more information and updates.

And then there is my baby - Facing East: the film. My producing partner is Duane Andersen [Big Dreams Little Tokyo, White on Rice], who was introduced to me by Juiceman. (Thanks again Juicy.) Duane and I are now raising funds and beginning our search for the perfect director and talent as well as gearing up to tackle the kabillion things that go into producing a film. I'm so excited I could spontaneously combust - which I just actually may do any moment now. I'll keep y'all up to date as the project progresses or you can contact us at info@facingeastthefilm.com

So much attention - whether it be dramatic, musical or cinematic - could not happen to a nicer play. Facing East changes minds, hearts and lives and I could not be prouder of my mom or more honored to be a part of bringing it to the world in this way.

And, no, Hugh Jackman is not being considered.

The Postum Never Returns Twice

When I was a little Mormon girl living in Provo, Utah there were four foods that I hated with every breath of my body. Avocados, curry, Tapioca pudding, and Postum. Oh, but I hated the Postum. It was the nastiest thing I could ever imagine putting my mouth. Clearly I didn't get out much. But, back then, I was baffled as to how my parents could sit around drinking cups of death, while playing the card game "Authors," with actual smiles on their faces.

Postum, was created as a healthy alternative to coffee in 1895 by C.W. Post, a student of Dr. John Harvey Kellogg who believed caffeine to be unhealthy. At some point it was adopted as the only true alternative to coffee by good Mormon folk, who believed caffeine to be evil. Most mainstream Mormons today will drink Coke, Diet Coke, Dr. Pepper and other only slightly naughty caffeinated beverages with no consequence whatsoever. Caffeine has become one of the lightest of sins - kind of like playing ball, watching TV or doing anything other than playing the piano, napping or studying scriptures on Sunday. And oral sex.

(I do have to say, though, there was nothing - and I mean nothing - like coming home from three hours of church to the smell of Sunday dinner. There was no bliss like the feeling of peeling off those freaking panty hose that my garments were bunched up under, eating roast and mashed potatoes and rolls smothered in butter and raspberry jam then crawling into bed for the best nap EVER. Seriously, I need to give myself a good old fashioned Mormon-ish dinner / nap one of these days. Anyway...)

I have always loved the smell of coffee. It reminds me of breakfast at my grandparents who were no longer Mormon. But back when I was a member, coffee was for smelling NOT for drinking. And, somewhere long the way I discovered that Postum was not the source of all evil. That is was actually yummy and, indeed, a great alternative warm beverage. And bonus, it even came in a version that was coffee flavored. Drank it every morning. All was well.

And then I hopped the fence into the land of No Longer Mormon and discovered that while my nose and mouth really love coffee, the rest of my body can only take so much before it starts to twitch. So mixing a little of it into my daily Postum was perfection. Heaven. Bliss.

And then one day I reached for it at the grocery store on the same shelf that it had been forever and it was gone. Not sold out - GONE. Kraft Foods had discontinued it. How could they DO that? Not only did they take away a highly enjoyed daily ritual but a huge connection to my childhood. Mr. Rogers is dead. Disneyland has updated, thus destroyed, most of my favorite attractions. Did they really have to kill my Postum?

Last year my mom came to visit bringing with her two, count them - TWO, actual jars of real live Postum that she still had in her pantry. Postum was back in my life! I was over the moon. I have rationed and only used the smallest necessary amount in order to make them last as long as they could. And yesterday I finally ran out. For good. Postum is officially gone. I had been told that Pero is a great substitute so I bought some. I sit here at my computer sipping what can only be described as a cup off ass and I want to cry. I know, there are a million teas and lattes out there, and there is still coffee in manageable amounts, but my Postum is gone. Just like Sonny & Cher, my first kitten and Dawn Dolls.

I think I'm going to go stick a slab of meat in the crock pot, play with my kids Lite Brite and Shrinky Dinks and then take a long nap.

National Organization for Marriage - Gathering Storm

HaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHahaHaHaHaHaHaHaHahaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHa!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Wow. That felt amazing...

HaHaHaHaHaHaHaHa...

Gronstal blocks amendment to reverse Iowa marriage equality

Without the support of Senate Majority Leader Mike Gronstal, efforts to amend the Iowa Constitution can not move forward in the Senate.

Bravo Mr. Gronstal. Bravo.

Happy Twitch

Okay, so I love this conversation between Conan and comedian Louis C.K. He is totally right. Everything’s amazing and nobody’s happy. And whose fault is that? Whose responsibility is it to roll us in the frosting of gratitude and sprinkle us with bright colored happiness? Yep.

The other night I was watching the movie "French Kiss" with Meg Ryan and Kevin Kline, who says in his best pissy Frenchman accent, "When people tell me they are happy, it makes my ass twitch." I love that. Let’s be honest, when we are festering in misery being around happy people TOTALLY makes our asses twitch! When February and March hit Utah and I am hanging on by a very thin thread – when I am dressed in my farewell party gown, on my hands and knees with my head in the oven, desperate for sunshine and blue sky – the last thing I want is to be around someone that is waxing poetic about the wonders of winter. They love it, I get it. I don’t. And, yes, their glee makes my ass twitch.

But, I have had it. I am done. The sun is out and this winter, as hard as it tried, didn’t kill me. Maybe next year I will figure out the winter thing. But, for right now, I am re-joining the ranks of those that CAUSE the ass twitching – not those that sit and bitch about it. There are literally millions of things that I have at my fingertips that give me happygasms. Time again for me to eat them up.

It’s true – everything is amazing and I for one am determined to be listed among the ridiculously happy. At least for the next ten months.

Yey Iowa!

Iowa Supreme court legalized gay marriage yesterday. You oughta see my happy dance - it's sweet. By the way Utah, in this case, last will NOT be the best of all the game.

My Midget Patch

My name is Emily Pearson and I am a mockaholic. It has been 73 days since my last little person public poke fun. Since the beginning of my midget minded blog-mock I openly acknowledged that it was small and politically incorrect of me. That it was no different than making black, fag and retard jokes, something I would sooner be a polygamous Mormon than do. (I cringe even writing those words.) In fact, I would rip someone a new one who was that ignorant. So, why the hell was it okay to make fun of midgets? Yeah, I know. It wasn't.

I tried to quit. I swore off midget mocking for good. I did pretty well for a while but then I saw that video and read Chelsea Handler and totally tumbled, head first, off the wagon.

Then I was taken to task by a few readers who reminded me, yet again, that it is ridiculously hypocritical of me to be screaming for human rights, ranting about honoring people for who they are - who they were born to be, while making fun of people who just happened to be born small. Well, okay, we're all born small - they just happen to stay that way. You know what I mean.

I started over and, like I said, now have 73 days of public midget mock sobriety under my belt. But I was still having massive withdrawals. The kids and I were at a movie a couple of weeks ago and I suddenly noticed they were looking at me with giant saucer eyes and repeating, "Mom, don't turn around. Whatever you do, do NOT turn around." I don't know how I knew - I just knew. "Is it a midget?" They nodded. I lowered my head, pursed my lips tightly and willed my shoulders not to shake as the tears ran down my cheeks. I was so blissfully happy. I did fire off a couple of text messages but I did not, until now, blog about my sighting. And this, for the official record, is not midget mocking. This is merely midget sharing.

I need to stop the twitching of quitting cold turkey. I need a replacement - something to fill the giant gaping hole left by the dwarfs. (Do NOT ask me why that is the politically correct term they prefer. Seriously? Sneezy, Grumpy, Dopey?) I need a patch to wear as I get the nicotine like midgety chemical out of my system. I have racked my brain over and over. What can replace midgets? What makes me laugh almost as much? What can I mock that no one, including me, can crucify me for? What walks the planet just begging to be made fun of? And then it hit me...

Hillbillies!!!

How did I not see it before? The billies of the hills! They may not bring the same Christmas morning giggles as midgets but item for item they bring WAY more mock for my buck. Midgets may have big heads but hillbillies have mullets. No contest. Midgets may have cute round wiggle butts but hillbillies have absolutely no butts whatsoever. Just back then leg. What is UP with that? Plus there's the missing teeth and the lazy eyes and the whole inbreeding thing.

A midget is pretty much just a midget - hell, I just saw one at the Megaplex and he looked just like the one I saw at the airport. And that actor who is in everything bugs me. He seems like such an asshole. And, I'm sorry, but asshole midgets just ruin it for the rest of them. But I live in Utah where there are countless variations of hillbillies all around me. Behind the counter at the gas station. At every Wal-Mart. At the Kelly Temp Services office I worked at in West Valley. There are a pack of, what appear to be female, hillbillies with the most confusing mullets EVER that work at the Salt Palace. At the mall with their sister wives and matching clown car vaginas. In the Senate gurgling gleefully about Pig Sex. In Toole. In my extended family.

However, technically, the aforementioned hillbillies are not real hillbillies. Oh, they will do for a good mocking now and then but they are watered down versions of the real thing. They are Hillbilly Light. And I'm not talking about the Beverly Hillbillies. They were well paid actors on a TV show and while Ellie May and Jethro may have gotten it on once in a while they weren't really related so it doesn't really count. Real true hillbillies can pretty much only be found in cabins in the Appalachian Mountains and in traveling carnivals - as rare and elusive as unicorns. And almost as magical. I cannot wait to begin my search.

And here's the very best part. No one can write me and tell me that they have a hillbilly child and my words are wounding to their heart. (A) Real hillbillies don't have a clue that they are hillbillies and the parent of a real hillbilly is also a hillbilly and therefore unaware of that fact as they run their tongue along the jelly space where their teeth used to be. (B) Any parent that is not a hillbilly but has a child that is a hillbilly and is defending that child deserves to be mocked - if not shot. (C) Unlike size, skin color and sexuality, while one may have been born TO a hillbilly, one does not have to BE a hillbilly. Barack Obama was born underprivileged but he did not stay that way. I was born Mormon but not stay that way. And hillbillies? Well all I can say is welcome to the age of education, hair salons and dentistry.

So, I'm sorry but if any of you leave a comment saying that you work in a carnival and are proud of your mullet and want me to support sibling marriage with the same gusto I support gay marriage I will unapologetically say what I have said before. "Step away from the livestock Cletus, ya freakin' hillbilly!"

Ninja Tips For Healthy Living #8

Mind control is one of the Ninjas most powerful skills. Making small children give you money is not only hilarious, but quite lucrative, and therefore, healthy.

I Would Confine Them To Their Own Species

For anyone interested, this is a great paper that was presented by Connell at Sunstone West on the "LDS historical prohibitions against marriage between white people and black people, with LDS current prohibitions against same-sex marriage as the framing context."

“I would confine them to their own species”
LDS Historical Rhetoric & Praxis
Regarding Marriage Between Whites and Blacks

It's a big ass read but totally worth it.

I Need To Move

This supposed "hilarious" video was sent to me and I watched it - eager for a giggle. I don't think it was intended as an April fools gag but that is what it turned out to be. All it did was make me want to down a bottle of Tequila, sob hysterically and go back to bed.

Feel free to NOT watch the whole thing. When your colon starts to twitch and you feel the uncontrollable urge to bash your head against the wall - turn it off. For the record that is how I, and many of my compadres, feel living here in the "801" most days - especially right now. The snow needs to stop. Not kidding. If you listen closely you can hear a solitary voice screaming for the “415.” That would be me.