FDA Approves Depressant Drug For The Annoyingly Cheerful

This is the very last February Funny in honor of those of us that battle the grumps in February and find ourselves wanting to drop kick the winter lovers that yodel about how glorious it all is. This past month has actually flown by for me and has been a complete breeze - only had a few days of the Feb Funk. Such a beautiful thing.

There may be more snow on the horizon but spring is definitely getting ready to have its way with us and I, for one, am more than ready to oblige.

Bring on the sunshine, blue skies and Happygasms!

Ninja Tips For Healthy Living #6

When eating the still beating heart of an enemy, Ninjas eat it all. There are starving Ninjas in Africa who don’t have any hearts to eat.

KSL Buttars Editorial

Mormon-owned, Utah-based TV station KSL has just posted an editorial at KSL.com that begins:

"The brouhaha over recent intemperate remarks by Senator Chris Buttars is more than a distraction, as some of his colleagues contend. It is nothing less than an embarrassment for the man, the institution he represents and the state where he lives."

Amen and Amen. (I agree with the rest of what was written too, by the way.) Thanks Chino Blanco.

Brouhaha. I LOVE that word!

Buttars-Palooza

I just got the following invitation and was told to pass it on. I cannot imagine stupidity more deserving of a BigFatParty. See you there Internetland!

Utahns are fair and just people who strive for a better society. We believe “in life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.” We also believe in free speech.

However, State Senator Chris Buttars crossed the line drawn by a fair and just people by stepping on a minority with offensive and demeaning language. Through his defense of the Senator from West Jordan, Senate President Michael Waddoups is equally complicit in this defense of the Senator. By their actions, Senators Buttars and Waddoups do not value or respect that sense of fairness and justice of the majority of Utahns.

Senators Buttars and Waddoups did not just demean the LGBT community. They demeaned all Utahns striving for a fair and just society. By recently claiming the "the gays" as the "biggest threat to America," the Senator ignored climate change, economic disparity, racial inequity and xenophobia, and the other big challenges faced by America, Utah, and our cities and towns.

All Utahns are invited to come the Capitol on Saturday, February 28th at 1pm to party for truth and justice. The event will be a lively and fun celebration of our diversity and inclusion of all in a fair and just society. The event will be MC’d by Troy Williams of KRCL and there will be great speakers, music, and other fun. Come celebrate with us!!!

Party at the Capitol for Truth and Justice
Date: Saturday, February 28, 2009
Time: 1:00pm - 3:00pm
Location: Utah Capitol - South Lawn
City/Town: Salt Lake City, UT

Faith Promoting BS

Okay Internetland, I want a comment-a-palooza on this one...

One of my very favorite things to laugh about is the mountain of faith promoting stories that Mormons repeat to strengthen their own, and others, testimonies. I'm certain that this happens in many other religions but my experience is with the Mormons - who are just so professionally good at it.

You know what I'm talking about. Those stories that are told in Testimony Meetings, Sunday School, Seminary, Family Home Evening, the MTC (Missionary Training Center)... Those ones about the relatives that were thrown into vats of boiling oil and burned beyond recognition except for the still pink, soft flesh where their garments were; the sister missionaries that tracked the house of the mass murderer but he didn't attack them because of the "two large men [aka: angels] standing behind them"; the 3 Nephite sightings that usually include warnings about food storage... Those stories.

Here is my very favorite: Did you all know that the early Mormon pioneer MEN whose wives died crossing the plains actually developed breast milk and were blessedly able to nurse their motherless babies as they continued their trek west???

Pioneer men with lactating breasts. Totally hot.

What's your favorite slice of BS?

February Funny # 5: An Oldie But Goodie

I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the next stall saying, "Hi, how are you?"

Now, I'm not the type to get into a restroom conversation so I don't know what made me answer, but I did somewhat embarrassed, "Doing just fine."

And the other person says, "What are you up too?"

What the hell kind of question is that? At this point I'm thinking this is just too bizarre. But I say, "Uhhh... Just taking care of business."

Now I'm just trying to get out of there as fast as I can, when I hear another question, "Can I come over?"

Wow! This is getting way to weird for me! To politely end the conversation I say, "No...I'm a little busy right now..."

Then I hear the person nervously say, "Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's some idiot in the next stall who keeps answering all my questions."

Gotta love cell phones.

166 Years Ago Yesterday

Guest Blogger: Connell O'Donovan. AKA: One of my first beloved BYU gay boyfriends. Thanks Connell.


166 years ago yesterday, the Commonwealth of Massachusetts state legislature voted to repeal the law banning civil marriage between white people and black people.

White abolitionist William Lloyd Garrison is credited with launching the campaign to repeal his state's 1705 law barring such marriages, although some Black abolitionists had certainly desired this long before Garrison began his “campaign.” One of the first issues of Garrison's abolitionist paper, The Liberator, included a call to repeal it in January 1831. John Greenleaf Whittier, the Quaker poet and abolitionist wrote in 1839, “So long as Southerners can point to it [the racist law] on her Statute Book, the anti-slavery testimony of Massachusetts is shorn of half its strength.”

A legislative committee from the Massachusetts House of Representatives in both 1840 and 1841 came to a similar conclusion, and recommended that the state legislature repeal the 136 year-old ban. Opposition from the South, from other New England states, and within the state legislature itself was fierce. Some Massachusetts legislators claimed that the ban against black and white marriages was not discriminatory because the punishment for both white and blacks was the same. Some believed that this discriminatory law recognized "natural distinctions" between the races, “which nothing but the insanity of fanaticism dares to arraign.” Religious leaders called miscegenation an unnatural abomination and an affront to God - it was God's established law that the races should be kept discrete and separate. Other people felt that the law prevented a further deterioration of the white race; mixed-race descendants were seen as examples of human de-evolutionary retrogression.

But finally on February 24, 1843, despite hysteria and promises of divine retribution, the Massachusetts state legislature voted to repeal the antiquated law. And the world did not end....

Best Original Screenplay - Milk by Dustin Lance Black

In case you missed last night this was, by far, the best section / moment of the night.

Poster Children

Okay, so Buttars has been "stripped" (eww... could you imagine? Pervy, grumpy naked Buttars running amok with his pigs? Talk about the greatest threat to America!) of his chairmanship of the Senate Judiciary Committee by Senate President Michael Waddoups, who said that the action should not be seen as a punishment for anti-gay statements Buttars made and that Buttars is considered by his colleagues to be a "stalwart" who "represents the views of many of his constituents and many of ours."

And there you have it. I live in a state run by hillbillies in business man's clothing. The white shirt and tie ain't foolin' me anymore Jethro. Step away from the livestock.

I'm thinking it's only going to get better and better because Waddoups also said taking Buttars off the committee would be a "freeing mechanism for Sen. Buttars to function, to more fully express his freedom of speech." They took him off the committee that hears gay rights bills so he can more fully express himself and represent the views that many of his constituents are too chicken shit to admit to. Of course, THE CHURCH released it's sad little statement: “From the outset, the Church’s position has always been to engage in civil and respectful dialogue on this issue. Senator Buttars does not speak for the Church.” Civil and respectful? Are you freaking kidding me??? And, yes he does speak for the church. The Mormon Church created Chris Buttars. At least he's got the balls to say out loud what far too many say behind closed doors. They don't like that he is making them look bad but they absolutely agree with where he stands.

I can't wait to hear the next ignorant and bigoted verbal nails he's going to put in this coffin. Like it or not, Sen Buttars has been given free reign and is now the poster child for Utah and the Mormon Church. I cannot imagine that even the "Well, what do you know? Praise Jeebus, God has finally spoken!" revelation that is sure to come 10 - 20 years after this has all finally blown over politically will be able to undo the damage that this has all done to the LDS church. This is no longer about being seen as a Peculiar People this is about being seen as Hateful Mental Hillbillies. And that really is a shame because there are many, many good, smart, kind Mormons out there.


Totally unrelated, there is another poster child that needs addressing. Hugh Jackman. Okay, I am a musical theater geek but what was UP with the out of control musical numbers that were totally unrelated to any of the films last night? What the hell was that frightening thing that he and Beyonce did? It was like they threw in something just to showcase the fact that the guy can sing. So what? So can half the people in that room - and many of them do it better. Please, please, please send him back to host the Tony Awards and stop ruining my Oscars. Hugh, we will enjoy you better there but every over the top musical fiesta we see you in makes it harder and harder for us to keep seeing you as the sex symbol that men want to be and women want to do. Just thought you should know.

February Funny #4: Bill And Hill

I Googled "Hillbillies" and this is the image that came up. I do not, by the way, think that the Clintons are hillbillies but I do think this picture is a thing of beauty.

Ninja Tips For Healthy Living #5

Everyone knows yoga classes are filled with women. Ninjas prove their strength and impress the ladies by killing the yoga instructor.

Pig Sex

For those of you that have not heard the news, Senator Chris Buttars is an expert in dirty pig sex. Nice.

So, I mentioned that Reed, whose letter to Governor Huntsman I posted recently, is an Emmy nominated journalist and documentary filmmaker. Two things I didn't mention were his current film in production, which is called "8, The Mormon Proposition," and the fact that I have the supreme honor of working with Reed on this project.

So, I talked on the phone with a very flabbergasted Reed directly after his interview with Buttars and when he told me what was said about the Pig Sex I screamed. All I could think was, "What the hell is pig sex, and did he seriously say that OUT LOUD??? Directly to a gay man's face???" Apparently pig sex involves gay men pooing on one another and, according to Buttars, they all do it. Now, not only have I been around gay men my entire life and have yet to meet one man that has engaged in the poopie play, but Reed - an openly gay man - had never even heard of it. Nor have any of my other gay friends. Wow, you guys must be so embarrassed to find out that you've been doing it wrong all this time. Bummer.

There is something so fascinating, while at the same time frightening, about an old "straight" man that knows details about Pig Sex and is so obviously titillated by it. The gleam in his eye and smirk on his face when discussing it is very, very telling. He had a lady call him and talk about it? That's probably the kinkiest phone sex I've ever heard of. What the hell, Buttars?!?!? The truly horrifying thing is that this man has served as a Mormon Bishop twice and has presided over the ex-communication courts of gay individuals. I am beside myself with how wrong that is.

There is a lot of blah, blah, blah about Reed having an agenda and cornering / leading Buttars. NOT SO. He just rolled the camera, sat back in silence, and let Buttars blabber. And blabber he did. You really would think that after the heat from the "Dark, ugly black baby" comment he would have learned to shut up. Nope. He made another racist comment - "Bless their black hearts." And then the Pig Sex. Unbelievable.

I am no longer angry with this whole thing. I am fascinated, amused and totally thrilled. The mirror is being held up and the reflection is ugly. The spotlights have been turned on and all the world is watching. At long last the house is being cleaned and it feels so incredibly good.

Buttars, get that smirk off your face and stop shitting on us. We are soooo not into it.

PIG SEX Video

Ding Dong The Witch Is Dead

Buh-bye.

Maybe the church is true after all. Nah.

Please Kill Her

Okay, I know that many of you are not American Idol fans, and I don't want to bug all of you that aren't, but I have been struck with writhing conniptions that are reaching epic proportions. Remember last year when I wanted to hit David Cook with a frying pan? Well, that's nothing compared to what I want to do to Tatiana Del Toro. Oh my God, how she got through is beyond me. Who cares if she can sing? She is evil incarnate. She is every drama queen that has ever held anyone emotional hostage and every soap opera villain that has ever faked a pregnancy and kidnapped her nemesis. She is Cruella, Maleficent, Ursula and the Wicked Queen rolled into one. Seriously, the screaming, crying, fighting, shrieking, laughing, praising Jesus, award acceptance speeches, spinning... I HATE HER. I hate her more than Smurfs, Snuggles the Fabric Softener Bear, pets dressed as humans AND Prop 8.

Not only do I want to smash her with a frying pan, I want to tie her behind a race horse who will drag her ten miles then fling her onto an electric fence where a giant, dinosaur-like chicken hawk will swoop down and pick her up by the hair, carry her another ten miles and drop her in the ocean where she will be attacked by sharks who will be so annoyed by her laughter that they will toss her up onto a pirate ship filled with not remotely sexy pirates but the stinky nasty kind who will pound on her with their nasty hooky hands and kick her with their nasty fishy boots and drop her in a box filled with nasty crawly bugs until they reach shore where they, unable to bear her twirling for another minute, will tie her to railroad tracks where she can scream her little lungs out and sob about how everyone is taking her dream from her and then, just before she is run over by a speeding train, a giant Monty Python-esque anvil drops from the heavens and silences her twittering for good.

Man, I hate her.

And don't even get me started on Headband Boy...

Ninja Tips For Healthy Living #4

Sex is extremely important to one’s physical and mental health. Ninjas therefore fantasize about sex two, three, maybe seven times a day.

America Forever: More Vomit Anyone?

Many of you have probably already seen this full page ad that was purchased by "America Forever" and ran in both of Salt Lake's newspapers this last weekend. WTF??? Welcome to Utah. Actually, this is crazy even for Utah. While it can be horrifyingly amusing to watch the patients in a loony bin parade themselves down Main Street, it is also something that makes me want to avert my eyes and run, screaming, to my Happy Place.

Loved the response by Tribune columnist Rebecca Walsh...


Walsh: Anti-Gays, May You Get Cash

Sandra Rodrigues and Jonas Filho are patriotic American immigrants. They love the place -- all its rights and freedoms. Stuff like free speech, freedom of assembly, freedom of the press.

So when they were thinking of creating a nonprofit organization dedicated to denying gay Americans civil rights, they named it America Forever. Of course.

The incorporation papers for the foundation have since lapsed. But that didn't stop the Rodrigues family from placing a full-page ad in both of Salt Lake City's daily newspapers Sunday -- price tag: about $15,000 -- filled with the sophomoric, pseudo-legal reasoning of two people who get up in the morning to be hateful.

Under the headline "Stand up and stop the homosexual movement," and squeezed around a picture of a Utah gay couple kissing -- one white, one black, for added shock value -- America Forever raises conspiracy theory to a new level. "Shame on Governor Huntsman for joining, and adding to this public shame by endorsing the common ground initiative" and "Shame on Utah Gays for using the LDS Church."

It goes downhill from there -- equating gays with a woman who shows up at work dressed like a hooker, promoting so-called "anti-species behavior" and misquoting a gay satire, the "Homosexual Declaration of War," based loosely on Jonathan Swift's "Modest Proposal."

America Forever asks for donations. And part of me hopes they get them.

For one thing, it's illegal for a nonprofit whose many registrations with the State Department of Commerce have lapsed -- the last time in 2007 -- to take money and use it for political purposes.

Department of Commerce Director Francine Giani says her office will send a "cordial" letter to America Forever. "I probably wouldn't ding them. It's an honest mistake," she says. "We would try to bring them into compliance."

OK. Forget that one.

I still like the idea of America Forever buying full-price newspaper ads. That's a nice chunk of change for The Salt Lake Tribune and Deseret News .

And, in the end, Rodrigues and Filho's tactics will backfire. Despite their reputations, most Utahns are moderates. They are uncomfortable with America Forever's over-the-top homophobia. Years ago, when lawmakers considered hate-crimes legislation that listed "sexual orientation" as a protected class, Rodrigues and Filho passed out white roses with baby's breath -- for purity, get it? Their strategy since has become much more vile: A week ago, Rodrigues told lesbian lawmaker Christine Johnson, a Salt Lake City Democrat, that her vagina is wasted.

More ads from Rodrigues and Filho can only drive public opinion to the center.

"It took me a while to realize I should be grateful for Chris Buttars," says Johnson. "He's giving me allies. This group is the same."

Even conservative lawmakers who quietly agree with everything America Forever printed are scurrying for dark corners to hide from such hate speech.

Herriman Republican Rep. Carl Wimmer blocked America Forever from bringing its posters to a rally last week. "They make a lot of us look bad," he says.

Exactly.

Happy Love Day, Internetland

There is so much love in the air. Breathe it in. Eat it up - devour, and feast on, every last bite. Roll around in it. Throw it up in the air and let it rain down on you like confetti. Then, when the day is done, lie down in it and let it sing you to sleep.

In the name of Cupid, amen.

February Funny #3: Human Dumbbells

"A gym is offering its customers an unusual set of dumbbells to exercise with – including an overweight man and two dwarfs.

Members of Gymbox in Bank, central London, can choose to lift any of five differently sized "human weights".

Wearing Lycra catsuits which label their weight, they sit on specially adapted machines and shout words of encouragement.

The "dumbbells" include two dwarfs – 32-year-old Arti Shah, who weighs just 4.5 stones (30kg) and 64-year-old Mike Edwards, who weighs 8 stones (55kg).

At the other end of the scale for those with stronger muscles is 24 stones (155kg) Matt Barnard, 37.

Gymbox owner Richard Hilton said: "A lot of our members felt that lifting metal weights was boring and not especially motivating.

"They said that they had no idea what they were lifting.

"Experts in sports psychology agree that visualisation is a significant factor in improving performance and human weights are as visual as it can get.

"Our human weights will, at the gym-goers request, shout encouragement like 'Come on, lift me harder and faster' and 'You're doing great. Look at those muscles building'.

"Otherwise, they will just keep quiet and keep still as they are lifted."

The gym already runs a "Chav fighting" self-defence class, "boob aerobics" to help women increase their bust size and "WAG workouts" aimed at making female members more attractive to footballers."


Okay, so anyone who knows me or has followed this blog for even a short amount of time will automatically think they know exactly what I find funny about this picture and article. And yes, the thought of lifting the two smaller humans, whose weight is measured in "stones," at the gym does make me giggle. But, oh my God! Check out super skinny boy with the swoopy Island of Misfit Toys hairdo! The thought of him sitting on a machine for me to lift while he complains about wanting to be a dentist makes me fall on the floor. If he were shouting, "Come on, lift me harder and faster!" I would be snorting, gasping and peeing way too hard to even think about working out.

And the other two? Are you kidding me??? As if I could lift Grumpy Lumpy Man or the Sour Kangaroo staring off into space. I cannot imagine what words of encouragement they would offer. They look like they would just be mean and kick me in the shins if I couldn't lift them.

Boob aerobics? That is a class I would love to watch, but those of us that purchased our own industrial strength boobies don't really need it. My ass is a different story. They should offer an Ass Class where the Little Stones run around and pinch and punch the Jiggle Butts while singing encouraging songs. I would be all over that.

I am totally getting their catalog. I want to order Swoopy Boy to perch on my dresser, kitchen counter and desk to encourage me throughout my day. I would laugh too hard to ever accomplish anything ever again, but it would be totally worth it.

Ninja Tips For Healthy Living #3

Fiber in your diet is important. Ninjas eat the shirt off a complete stranger’s back at least once a week.

Another Great Quote From Mormon History

"I think no more of taking a wife than I do of buying a cow." Heber C. Kimball

Heber C. Kimball had forty-three cow wives and sixty-five calf babies - one of which, fourteen year old Helen Marr, was given to Joseph Smith to add to His Majesty's own heifer collection.

Heber, ever the righteous romantic, also had this nugget to impart, "I have noticed that a man who has but one wife, and is inclined to that doctrine, soon begins to wither and dry up, while a man who goes into plurality [of wives] looks fresh, young, and sprightly. Why is this? Because God loves that man, and because he honors His work and word."

[PAINFULLY LOUD BUZZER SOUND] I am calling "Bullshit" on that one! Men who are shtooping dozens of different women look fresh and young and sprightly because they are getting their pickle tickled by a harem. END OF STORY.

Wish I had been one if his wives. I would have started a stampede and flattened the jackass.

Ninja Tips For Healthy Living #2

Ninjas occasionally, without warning, stab friends with throwing stars. Life is random. Ninjas embrace this fact of life.

The Absolutely True Ballad Of Tommy And Molly

I cannot tell you the absolute glee that filled my being when, not only was I told this unbelievably ridiculous tale, but was given permission to blog it.

Tommy, NOT his real name, is a friend of mine. Molly, NOT her real name either, is not - although she should be. She soooo needs me. Except, if this woman were my friend I would seriously have to hit her with something heavy that smelled of old cheese - so never mind. I swear to Jeebus that every word of this is true. Names have been changed to protect, not Tommy - he would shout this shit from the rooftops but, sweet Molly - who clearly needs protecting from, not only herself but, her bishop and the church that is the one and only true maker of the crazy.

Back Story: Tommy and Molly were friends in high school. Not close friends but they did attend a school dance together. She is now a single returned Mormon missionary in her thirties, Primary President (Primary is the church program for children), and proud cat owner. Tommy is a big, beautiful gay man who is about as Mormon as I am and has been in a solid and enviable relationship for nine years.

So, Molly contacts Tommy on Facebook and asks him if he ever got the message she left with his father. No, he did not. Seems she has been trying to find him, needs to talk to him and, clearly, sees the Facebook connection as a sign that their reunion is "meant to be."

Tommy is on Facebook one night and Molly sends him an Instant Message. "Can I call you?" Tommy..." Um... I guess."

11:30 PM. Phone rings.

Tommy: Hello?

Molly: Hi Tommy, it's Molly.

[Chit chat about Primary and cats. Then...]

Molly: I have something I want to ask you. Kathy told me you are gay. Is that true?

Tommy: Yes, it's true. I am gay.

Molly: Well... [pause] How gay are you?

Tommy: Um... pretty much as gay as you can get.

Molly: Have you ever acted on it?

Tommy: Yep. Pretty much for the past ten years.

[Quiet]

Molly: I have to tell you something weird.

Tommy: Okay...

Molly: I've been having this dream about you for the past year.

[Quiet]

Tommy: Okay...

Molly: My dream is, basically, that we should be more than friends.

Tommy: Um... what does that mean?

Molly: I think... that we are eternal companions.

Tommy: Um... well... I'm gay.

Molly: Well, I talked to my bishop about it and he said that I should talk to you about my dream - about us being more that just friends.

Tommy: [Stunned silence.]

Molly: I really think we are meant to be. In my Patriarchal Blessing it says that I met my eternal companion in the pre-existence and that if he doesn't make the right choices I will be alone. Are you willing to make the right choices, Tommy? Are you willing to use the Atonement? Are you willing to erase your sin so that we can be together? Because... I'd be willing to help you work through it.

Tommy: I'm very flattered but... I Am Gay. And I'm very happy in my relationship. I don't feel like it's a sin and I'm really comfortable with where I'm at.

Molly: Well, I really feel like this is my destiny and I'm afraid that you're going to mess it up.

Tommy: Um, Molly, I don't really know what else to say. It's late and this really isn't a good time...

Molly: Remember that I am the Primary President and would love to have you come to church with me so you can learn from those pure little souls and follow their example...

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!

Of course, when he told me this story we were laughing, nigh unto death, jumping up and down and doing the OhMyGodGig. This little tale is absolutely hysterical except for the fact that it is totally sad and seriously fucked up.

This poor, single, lonely, sexually frustrated woman had a crush on this beautiful gay boy in high school, started dreaming about him in adulthood, has created a fairy tale backed by her bishop and has now set out to manipulate and shame a gay man into marrying her. How fun for both of them.

"Use" the Atonement? Like it's a deodorant for the gay stink or something. This chick doesn't need an atonement. She needs a therapist, a bishop with a brain and a vibrator.

How gay are you? I am so sure.

Ninja Tips For Healthy Living #1

Exercise is important, but jogging is for wimps. Plenty of exercise can be had leaping from bushes and kicking joggers in the head.

Ah, L'Amour

February Funny: #2 David Returns To Italy

After a two year visit to the United States,



Michelangelo's David is returning to Italy...


His proud sponsors were: McDonald's, KFC, Burger King, Hostess and Starbucks.

She Rant #5: Having Our Cake

Comment: "I've always thought this is the most ridiculous thing in the world. Either you're equal to men, or you deserve special treatment just because you have lady parts - but you cannot have it both ways!"

Excellent comment - summed up so much of what I'm talking about. So many women want all the benefits of equality without the responsibility. Or they want to be pampered like a princess and respected like a CEO - depending on which works for them in the moment. Perfect example: I watched Jay Leno interview Sharon Stone a few years ago and nearly threw something at my television. Sharon Stone is a no nonsense, take no shit kind of woman. She went on and on about how she will NOT be treated as less than a man, she will NOT be disrespected because she is a woman, she will "bust balls" in the boardroom and on set and if a man cannot deal with the fact that she is a strong and independent woman - then fuck him.

Okay, fine. Whatever. We hear that sentiment all the time. But then she turned right around when asked about dating and romance, got all giggly and pulled her feet up under her like a little girl, and said that she has never paid, and will never pay, for a date. A man WILL pay for her, WILL open her door, WILL treat her like a princess or, again, fuck him. I am sorry, but it just doesn't work that way. That is not equality. It is the delusional expectations of immature women with entitlement issues.

It's not even so much the physical act of being paid for on a date or letting him open your door - it's the attitude behind it. The belief that we are entitled to it. It is the demanding of it. Many wonderful men still enjoy, and insist on, doing those things. If that is the case, great. But, women, we damn well better appreciate it and give in return where and when we can. If he opens the door to let you in the car then at least lean over and unlock his door for him. (I know, most cars automatically unlock with the push of a button. You know what I mean. Give him something.) If he pays for all your dates, then buy him a gift once in a while to thank him. Give him a card. Sweet email. Go out of your way to express gratitude and understand that he is treating you like a princess because he is a good and thoughtful human, NOT because you are one.

As for being respected - it is my belief and experience that men (I'm not talking about the assholes here, I'm talking about the good guys - of which there are many) respect women who are willing and able to stand on their own and contribute to the relationship, be it business or romantic, with confidence and dignity and kindness in every way they are able. Trust me, men don't respect the Princesses of Entitlement disguised as Savvy CEOs - they resent them and will never take them seriously.

And the ball busters? Ladies, don't bust a man's balls unless you are willing to have your own big hairy ones busted right back. And honestly, deep down, what woman wants busted balls? On herself or her man?

February Funny #1: Let There Be Light

The Month Of My Winter Discontent...

Although you would never have guessed it from the incredible weather today, it's February. Again. The month that inspires hibernation and desperate trips to Florida. Some of my friends get the winter blues in January. I fight the funk in February. So, again, it's time for February Funnies...