She Rant: #4 The Toilet Seat

So, here is what triggered this rant to come forth when it has. It is certainly not an earth shattering issue but it is a symptom and, most definitely, a pet peeve of mine - much like unto dogs in frumpy dresses.

I was at a party a little bit ago and listened to a friend and her sister bitch for nearly ten minutes about the sisters husband's, therefore all men's, inability to put down the toilet seat after he pees. In the past, when I have heard this idiocy, I have kept my opinion to myself. This time I kind of called them on it and they looked at me like I was the Great She-Betrayer that should have been kicked out of the Girl's Club right then and there. Whatever.

This common female complaint I absolutely DO NOT GET. Seriously??? Putting DOWN the toilet seat before you pee is just so damn traumatic, puts such a strain on your pretty little wrist, that it is simply out of the question? Is your tiny princess arm THAT fragile that it will just break in two if it lowers that ginormous lid? It weighs, what... one freaking pound?

And don't even try to give me the "It's his lack of consideration, he has to lift it to pee therefore he should be the one to lower it for my so-special-it-should-be-in-a-museum ass." Clearly these women have NEVER lived with a father, brother, son, husband, boyfriend that also found the toilet seat far too heavy for lifting and just let loose and on it every day. Sitting on another humans urine sprinkles is no picnic, your majesty. Trust me. If the man in your house is considerate enough to lift the seat BEFORE peeing you should thank the God's. And him.

Why is it his job to lift AND lower the seat? Why doesn't he get to make you sleep on the couch for not lifting it back up when you are done? It has to be moved twice - the only thing that makes any sense at all to me is that you each deal with the seat once when peeing. He lifts the seat to pee, you lower the seat to pee. Is that really so hard? Is that really such an impossible task? Doesn't it take, like, a hundred times more energy to get pissed and then complain to your friends for ten minutes about your dumb ass husband? YOU go to the gym, you lift weights and do Pilate's, you take pride in being a strong and self sufficient woman and yet you can't lower a toilet seat? Be honest, who is the dumb ass here?

And to the complaint that nearly always follows about falling in the toilet because HE didn't lower the seat... Are you fucking kidding me? Even if you are in outer darkness, it hardly takes a fraction of a second to reach out and feel if the seat is up and lower it. If you have fallen in a toilet once and didn't learn from it - that is no one's fault but your own.

The only exception to this is women who are both blind and armless. But even then, these women must have potty helpers who, surely, can undertake the impossibly back breaking task of seat lowering for them. So, pretty much all around, I'm calling bullshit on the toilet seat complaint.

It's his fault you fell in the toilet. Good Lord.

She Rant: #3 From Where I Stand

I am thrilled with the comments the last post got. This is such an important conversation to have. Thank you to those who are jumping in with me. There is no way for me to adequately make every point I want to make on this topic in just one or two posts but I will try and get it all out and wrapped up before oh, say… July.

I agree with many of the points raised. There is far too much generalizing of one another, we are all still stereo-typed on TV and film and, no, in many, many ways we don’t enjoy equal status. The point I wanted to make in the first She Rant post was that I, personally, have benefited so greatly from the feminist battle, my life greatly reaping the benefits of those that fought for me, that I’m honestly just not aware of much inequality against me because I am a woman. And I do get how lucky that makes me.

I know that there are rude and offensive emails sent around about women’s fat asses and inability to drive but I, personally, never see them because no one would dare send me one. They know that I would never stand for it. The incorrect assumption is that, because I am a strong, self assured woman, I, in turn, think that man bashing is funny. I don’t think it is funny to bash anyone for who they are. (*Note: Yes, I get it and have officially retired my rude, incorrect, small minded public mock-bashing of them that make me giggle – we all know what I am referring to - for real and for good.)

Forget the status and treatment of women in other countries - that is a completely separate, and enormously huge, issue. Remember, I am talking about what I see going on around me with the average American woman - what I see here in the Salt Lake valley. I get that there are still women all over this country that don’t receive equal pay for equal work. There are women that don’t have loving and respectful fathers, brothers, boyfriends and husbands. For them, equality is still a huge issue. There are still problems everywhere.

I was speaking with a friend about a stunning documentary he just completed and he made the point that we can only affect what is within our reach – within our circle of influence. We can only make a difference where we can make a difference. All I can do is be vocal about, and try and make a difference regarding, what I see from where I stand here in my own private Emily Pearson Idaho. That is all the best of us can do. That, and take a real close look in the mirror.

I may be totally wrong here but I don’t think that, as a woman, I can hold up a mirror to men about the crap they pull and call them out on it as effectively as I can to women. As I woman I can call us women on the shit we pull and some may listen. If I do the same with men, all I am is just another woman bitching about men.

For whatever reason, I feel as passionately about this as I do about the other things I rant about on this blog. For whatever reason, I feel driven to invite certain of us women to take a close look at some of the problematic things that we do. If you are a woman and honestly don’t do the things I bitch about then I am not talking to. If you look in the mirror I hold up and don’t see your own reflection then, great! That makes me incredibly happy. If you do recognize yourself then I invite you to take a closer look and make some different choices. Work a little harder to make things better, not worse.

My mother has taught me my whole life to leave the world a better place than I found it and I just see a few things around me right now that I think need to be better. That’s all.

She Rant: #2 What Is Wrong With This Picture?

Previous post having been said...

I just gotta ask... WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON WITH WOMEN TODAY???

I thought the point was equality. I thought the point was working towards partnership. I thought the point was reaching for mutual respect and understanding. NOT what I see going on around me.

I am not, by the way, talking about other countries where women are still denied and abused - powerless and voiceless. I know there is vast inequality and horrific things being perpetrated all over the world including in right here in our country. I totally get that but it is not the issue I am addressing today.

I am talking about the world that I live in - the fairly privileged, somewhat spoiled, upper middle class. I am talking about the average American female that has somehow decided it is okay to forward mass emails to her girlfriends, ad nauseam, that start with the lines "How Dumb Can a Man Get?" and "Men Are Just Happier People: What Can You Expect From Such Simple Creatures?" Every time I open my inbox there is another email basically saying: Men are Worthless, Men are Dumb, What the Hell are We Women to do with Such Big Fat Idiots? These messages are circulated almost daily and they baffle me.





I know that many would say that I need to lighten up, that they are just jokes and don't really mean anything. But, if you take all the jokes being made and turn them back on women, replacing the word man for woman, they are shocking and offensive and beyond politically incorrect. If men were making these jokes and forwarding them to all their friends we women would go absolutely nuts. So, why is it okay to make them about men? Cause they don't care? Cause they don't have feelings? Cause it makes no difference? Bullshit.

Turn on the TV and nearly every husband and father in commercials is bumbling, silly, not taken seriously and treated like an inept child. If women were still being portrayed that way, every woman's political advocacy group would descend like a swarm of killer bees and there would be bloody hell to pay. Why is it okay now for men to be torn down? Why is it okay that men are now what women once were? Because things were so out of whack in favor of men for so long that now it is our turn? Is that really the answer? Now we women get to treat men like shit to make us feel better? Men get to be dumb so we can feel smart? Men get to be small so we can feel powerful? Really?

It just seems to me that feminism has overshot it's mark in many, many ways. There are still feminists out there fighting the fight as if it were still 30 - 40 years ago. Guess what? You did so much of what you set out to do! I got to grow up with strong, heroic women who paved the way for me to be all I can be. And I am, again, grateful beyond words. But how is it okay that I have a son who, years ago, snuggled up to me and asked why the girls always get to be the heroes? We have done right by our girls but what about our boys?

I look around me and I see boys and men that are just not even sure what it even means to be a man anymore. Boys and men that feel this underlying and constant need to apologize for being male. I see female educators doing all they can to turn little boys into little girls - completely blind to the amazing power that healthy male energy brings to our world. I go to the book fair at Back to School Night and see scores of books about girls and their education and self esteem and being all they can be and getting ahead and there is not one single book about the boys. Not one.

We still have this notion that girls are suffering and being left behind and need help when I really don't think that is the case at all anymore. Thank God. We really have Come a Long Way Baby. But what about the boys? There is a wonderful book called "The War Against Boys." If you want to get a better idea of what I'm talking about just Google that title and start reading.

Things are still screwy all around. Things are still not nearly as equal and balanced as they should be. But, I promise you that man bashing is not the answer. It is more of the same problem. And it needs to stop.

Ladies, men, as a whole, are not dumb. They are not worthless. They are not imbeciles to poke fun of. Men, as a whole, are a gift. A gift that this woman is deeply, deeply grateful for.

She Rant: #1 Sister Suffragettes

As much fun as it is to stomp my feet and holler loudly about gay rights and the Mormon Church (and as much as listening to me do so can't, in any way, ever get old) I have decided that it's time for a brand new rant - one that has been brewing for quite some time.

I'm actually not quite sure where to start with this one but, I think that, rather than just jump right in with what is deeply bothering and downright pissing me off, I need to lay a very careful foundation and give some background because what I want to write about has the potential to, in turn, piss off 99% of the women that read this blog. And I DO NOT want to do that. I really, really don't. Therefore...

Let me state, for the official record, I LOVE BEING A WOMAN. I am thrilled that I am female - something I haven't always felt and have worked extremely hard to achieve. I don't want to be a man. I have never wanted to be a man. I don't have man envy, nor do I have penis envy (I do admit to having a healthy curiosity as to what it would be like to have a penis for one day - as do all women if they are being honest. But that's the extent of it.)

I was raised by a very feminist mother. I grew up around her "Radical Mormon Women's Group" that were fighting hard for the Equal Rights Amendment. I heard them do their own ranting and raving about the place of women in the LDS church and in the world at large. I saw the tears and the frustration. I saw the hard work and focus. I was aware of Sonja Johnson and Gloria Steinem. I had my own little "A Woman Without a Man is Like a Fish Without a Bicycle" pin. I was aware of the inequality and the issues they fought so hard against. I saw it, I totally get it and I am more grateful for it than I even have words for.

I am eternally grateful to the women that stood up and said NO. To the women that marched and burned their bras to give me equality; and to those that marched and starved in jail to give me the right to vote.


I honor the women that battled and sacrificed and suffered horrible indignities and pain to give me a better life. I praise the women that found the courage to stand up and say NO against, therefore shedding light on, rape, domestic violence, female circumcision and genocide.

These women of years past bled to give us women of years present freedom, dignity, safety, equality and opportunity. They gave us vision. They gave us dreams and hopes and options. They gave us Wonder Woman and Charlie's Angels for cryin' out loud. I have what I have and I am who I am because of them.

Internetland, please know that I DO KNOW THIS and please just go with me for a minute here because the following issues left unsaid are causing me hives and spasms and, as usual, foaming at the mouth Tourette's.

Okay. Ready? Set? Go...

Buh Bye

One last moment to honor a man who, just the other day, stated that he has been greatly "misunderestimated."

And there you have it.

A village in Texas has been sorely missing its idiot.

Michelle Obama - USAService.org

I am a BIG believer in the importance of service - of getting outside ourselves and making a difference. Of doing all we can to leave the world a better place than we found it. Our country is in need of such a massive overhaul - it's going to take a shift in thinking and action by all of us. Inauguration is tomorrow. We are off to an excellent start.

Doesn't have to be something big - just do something today to make someone's day better. Make someone smile. Do something without being asked - like adopt and beautify a neighborhood. A neighborhood full of, oh say... midgets.

I CALL THAT ONE!

The Rejection Show: Elna Baker

A comment was left calling this woman an "Em Protege." Totally cool - since this piece she did has made me hoot-n-holler for years. Enjoy!

New Year's Resolution: Know Thyself

I very much believe in the old adage "Know Thyself." To truly know one's self is the greatest of life long endeavors. So, to start the new year I decided to do a little digging into my psyche in order to become familiar with some of the more hidden facets of my personality and here is what, rather who, I discovered...

I am a Rocker named Mercedes Uranus.

A Stripper named Raquelle Ropecream.

A Jedi named Peaem Stpro of the planet Valium.

A Crazy-Weird Shakespearean Wench named Ophelia the Banana Lover.

A Nerd named Darla, the Logo Hacker.

A Mexican Wrestler named La Cobra Más Sexy.

A Pirate named Noseless Nadine Scabb.

A Prison Bitch named Fudge Sucker. (Which even I think is absolutely gross.)

A 1960s Gay Romance Novel named The Abnormal Lesbians of Perversion.

A Penis named Guy Smiley the Ultrasonic Protrusion.

And a Redneck Superhero named Mullet Girl.

All of this vital introspection reminded me that I am also a 40 Year Old Single Mother named Emily Pearson who has FAR less time on her hands than this post would suggest. But, I do think it is important to know if one is a Vampire named Princess of Transylvania, aka: Her of the Horned One, aka: Sworn to One More Ancient Than the Devil. Which, interestingly enough, was also my Mormon Temple Name.

I think they are still working on the website for that name generator.

Hell Fire And Sweaty Man Boobs

Last Saturday my son played in a Deacon's (12-13 year old Mormon boys) basketball tournament. The reasons for this are few fold: (a) it was with the scout troop from our old neighborhood / ward that he is still in (b) the kids are really great and he has a happy time with them (c) he loves basketball so I was more than happy to endure the fact that... (d) life has an awesome sense of humor and wanted to make my butt pucker by forcing me to spend an entire day in a Mormon Stake Center.

We entered the building at 7:30 am, which on a weekend was not remotely pleasing - even in the sight of God, to something which was not remotely pleasing in the sight of me: A "Shirts & Skins" game being played by the high priests. This means the room was full of men ages 40 - 60+ and that half of them had no shirts on. Not one was the proud owner of a body that should be running up and down a basketball court undressed. Their bellies, which were hanging over their yanked-up-too-high-thanks-for-sharing-the-camel-toe-Brother shorts, were being played like bongo drums by their ginormous man boobs. Several wore headbands that suggested they saw the movie Flashdance ten too many times and most were playing with the agility of a drunken Quasimodo.

This is somehow perfectly acceptable but they don't allow the women to play volleyball in tank tops??? I say if the men are going to be allowed to defile the house of the Lord in such a manner then the sisters ought to be able to do it too. I say only topless sports should be played in Mormon cultural halls from now on! Then I might be inclined to hang about the place more often and sell tickets to my own rude little game called guess my gender.

So, I'm sitting there in the gym before the first fully-clothed-boy game, still giggling about my phone going off and blasting the Charlie's Angels theme during the prayer, when my brain registers that the boys are chanting something about hell and that my son is staring at me with a dead pan look on his face. I mutter under my breath and put on my glasses in order to read the poster on the stage.

I glory in plainness; I glory in truth; I glory in my Jesus, for he hath redeemed my soul from hell. I have charity for my people, and great faith in Christ that I shall meet many souls spotless at his judgment-seat. 2 Nephi 33:6-7 (Book of Mormon)

It was at that moment that my butt pucker became a full-on colon implosion and I began laughing uncontrollably at the absurdity of it. ALL OF IT. These sweet boys just wanted to play basketball. Why not at least have them recite a scripture that could be tied into fairness, the Golden Rule and sportsmanship? Why force them to recite, 7 times by the end of the day, crap about redemption and judgment?

Hey people, here's a wacky thought - how about, instead of piling fear-shame-guilt stones on the sweet souls of boys that that are already spotless just because of the great kids / children of God they are, you try glorying in plain white tees and focusing on not standing shirtless at the free throw line?

Good Lord...

Ode Number Two: If Joseph Smith Had The Internet

Many moons ago, I was sent a link to this post by Sister Mary Lisa, another "disillusioned Mormon woman trying to decide what to do about it...," and thought I might die of the violent chortling guffaws. Thought I'd share the love - with permission, of course. This is awesome...


If Joseph Smith had the Internet.....

Helen Mar Kimball sits on her bed, computer in her lap.
sweetiepie14 (online)

Suddenly a pop-up message appears on her computer screen: nastyboyJS wants to chat ~ ACCEPT/DENY ~ She accepts.

nastyboyJS: hi. got your address from heber.
sweetiepie14: my dad?? who is this?
nastyboyJS: brother joseph
sweetiepie14: oh! hi!!! wow!
nastyboy14: how RU?
sweetiepie14: ur a nastyboy???
nastyboyJS: j/k - a joke i made up LOL
sweetiepie14: lol
nastyboyJS: R u alone?
sweetiepie14: yes. why?
nastyboyJS: ur sweet
sweetiepie14: LOL
nastyboyJS: and pretty
sweetiepie14: lol
nastyboyJS: when ur dad talks 2 u tonite, listen 2 him
sweetiepie14: what RU talking about?
nastyboyJS: just remember i talk with god, K?
sweetiepie14: k
nastyboyJS: & god tells me what to say
sweetiepie14: k
nastyboyJS: ur perfect
sweetiepie14: ROFL - no
nastyboyJS: i saw you last week in your white dress
sweetiepie14: oh
nastyboyJS: you looked so pure and innocent
sweetiepie14: thx i think ur cute!
nastyboyJS: thats good. real good.
sweetiepie14: gotta help mom - ttyl
nastyboyJS: listen 2 ur dad - a commandment by God
sweetiepie14: k cya

Joseph Smith sits at his computer in a hidden location (for his safety).
fanny4U has signed in

nastyboyJS: hi F
fanny4U: hi lover
nastyboyJS: where RU?
fanny4U: @ ur house w/ Emma
nastyboyJS: WTF!
fanny4U: she asked me 2 help her
nastyboyJS: RU OK?
fanny4U: yes - we R BFF again
nastyboyJS: don't trust Emma!!
fanny4U: why?
nastyboyJS: get outa there now! don't say anything!
fanny4U: K - she's coming - brb
nastyboyJS: GET OUT NOW
fanny4U: xoxo ttfn
fanny4U has signed out

OrsonHide has signed in
ZinaBaby has signed in
elizaRsnow has signed in

OrsonHide: hi Joe
nastyboyJS: Orson! guess what?
OrsonHide: what?
nastyboyJS: ur going to jerusalem!
OrsonHide: WTF? A mission?
nastyboyJS: as revealed to me by god
OrsonHide: but what about Marinda?!
nastyboyJS: ur wife'll be taken care of. TRUST ME.
OrsonHide: i guess if god wills it.....
nastyboyJS: oh he does, he does.

nastyboyJS: Zina! Hi!
ZinaBaby: Hi
nastyboyJS: whatcha doin?
ZinaBaby: chatting w/ Henry
nastyboyJS: U should chat w/ me only
ZinaBaby: but he's my husband
nastyboyJS: about that.....
ZinaBaby: ?
nastyboyJS: I dont WANT plural marriage
ZinaBaby: I know, me neither! lol
nastyboyJS: BUT...
nastyboyJS: an angel came 2 me with flaming sword last nite. if i don't do this i'll lose my position and my life!
ZinaBaby: Wow! RU serious??
nastyboyJS: Lord made known to me UR 2B my celestial wife
ZinaBaby: i'll have to pray about this
nastyboyJS: good idea, then you'll know the truth i speak
ZinaBaby: what will Henry say if god wills it?
nastyboyJS: he follows god 2 - all will be well
ZinaBaby: i better go pray
nastyboyJS: lemme know asap
ZinaBaby: brb (praying)

elizaRsnow: hi babe
nastyboyJS: hi e
elizaRsnow: i wrote you another poem
nastyboyJS: kewl
elizaRsnow: inspired by last nite
nastyboyJS: u rawked my world! lol
elizaRsnow: i may be old, but i've got skilz LOL
nastyboyJS: can't wait to see poem
elizaRsnow: i can't believe emma didn't catch us!
nastyboyJS: we can't let that happen
elizaRsnow: i made ur bed this morning and thought of u
nastyboyJS: thx for helping emma at home
elizaRsnow: if it means i'm closer to u, then its all good
nastyboyJS: gotta run
elizaRsnow: luv u
elizaRsnow has signed out

OrsonHide: RU sure??? jerusalem is so far....
nastyboyJS: god wills it
OrsonHide: Y not Chicago?
nastyboyJS: god wills it
OrsonHide: Marinda is scared
nastyboyJS: i'll personally take care of her
OrsonHide: k...i guess if god wills it...
nastyboyJS: never fear u will be blessed
OrsonHide has signed out

EmmaHS has signed in
HeberC has signed in

HeberC: i talked 2 her like u said
nastyboyJS: and?
HeberC: she didn't want 2 @ 1st
nastyboyJS: did u tell her like i told you 2?
HeberC: yes - salvation 4 all of us if she will
nastyboyJS: and?
HeberC: i told her 2 think on it for 24 hrs
nastyboyJS: lemme know ASAP
HeberC: she's a good girl - she'll say yes
nastyboyJS: i hope so as god wills it
HeberC: i know - and i wanna be saved!
nastyboyJS: it depends
HeberC: gonna go talk 2 her again
nastyboyJS: u do that
HeberC has signed out

EmmaHS: hi babe
nastyboyJS: hi u sexy thang
EmmaHS: u know it!
nastyboyJS: gonna B gone 2nite
EmmaHS: not again! Y?
nastyboyJS: more of lords work
EmmaHS: :(
nastyboyJS: i may B gone 3 nites
EmmaHS: im not 2 happy
nastyboyJS: b strong
EmmaHS: its hard
nastyboyJS: ur my light, my life
EmmaHS: i know
nastyboyJS: god will bless u
EmmaHS: fanny was here
nastyboyJS: oh?
EmmaHS: we R friens again
nastyboyJS: b nice!
EmmaHS: Y should i?
nastyboyJS: i told you 2 thats Y
EmmaHS: u better stay away from her
nastyboyJS: of course lol
EmmaHS: im not lol
nastyboyJS: k i promise 2 stay away
EmmaHS: gotta run
nastyboyJS: luv u - cya in 3 days
EmmaHS: as u should
EmmaHS has signed out

sweetiepie14: u still here?
nastyboyJS: HI!!!
sweetiepie14: my dad told me
nastyboyJS: and?
sweetiepie14: Y do u want me??
nastyboyJS: god wills it
sweetiepie14: will it save my kindred?
nastyboyJS: oh yes - salvation for all
sweetiepie14: im scared
nastyboyJS: god will provide - ur a good daughter of god
sweetiepie14: if it will save my family.....
nastyboyJS: say yes and be saved
sweetiepie14: and my family 2 right?
nastyboyJS: its the only way
sweetiepie14: i guess i will then
nastyboyJS: ur a good girl
nastyboyJS: u will be saved now
nastyboyJS: 2morrow nite we will b sealed 4ever
sweetiepie14: 2morrow nite!
nastyboyJS: god says it has to be 2morrow nite
nastyboyJS: ill take good care of you my sweet
nastyboyJS: i promise u eternal salvation
sweetiepie14: im scared!
nastyboyJS: im a prophet of god - b not afraid
sweetiepie14: k i guess
nastyboyJS: follow the prophet and b saved
sweetiepie14: 4 my family
nastyboyJS: oh 1 more thing
sweetiepie14: ?
nastyboyJS: cant tell Emma - god said 2 keep us a secret
sweetiepie14: y?
nastyboyJS: its gods will u keep it secret 4 my safety
sweetiepie14: if god says so then k
nastyboyJS: i look forward 2 us 2morrow
sweetiepie14: cya
sweetiepie14 has signed out

ZinaBaby: back
nastyboyJS: did u pray?
ZinaBaby: yes
nastyboyJS: and?
ZinaBaby: i was told its true
nastyboyJS: came from god
ZinaBaby: this is hard
nastyboyJS: im not about 2 make that angel mad! r u?
ZinaBaby: but I luv henry
nastyboyJS: me 2 - but god wills it
ZinaBaby: henry knows god wills it
nastyboyJS: R u sure?
ZinaBaby: yes
nastyboyJS: k - i'll be there 2morrow a.m.
ZinaBaby: so soon?!
nastyboyJS: u didn't c that angel
ZinaBaby: k
nastyboyJS: i cant wait 2B sealed 2 u
ZinaBaby: god wills it
nastyboyJS: and im a prophet of god - follow me n b saved
ZinaBaby: k ttyl
nastyboyJS: oh - god said dont tell Emma
ZinaBaby: k i promise cya
ZinaBaby has signed out

Joseph logs out and prepares to depart.

Great And Spacious

Last fall I read several comments on blogs, mine included, where protesters at LDS temples were likened unto those in Lehi's dream who were pointing and laughing at the righteous from the "great and spacious" building. For those unfamiliar with this reference, here's a little Lehi 101.

Okay, I had known for years, even before leaving the church, that Joseph Smith drank alcohol. That he had a bar in his house, had a license to distribute and sell liquor from his home, had no objection to having a brewery nearby, frequented the local tavern and even drank in jail directly before he was killed. (Google for details.) Then, also while still a believer, I attended a symposium wherein journals and city records were read giving clear evidence that several members of the Smith family, including Joseph's father - Joseph Smith Sr, were alcoholics. This information had no bearing on my future decision to sell my testimony to the gypsies, but at the time I was struck with a thought that made me giggle to no end.

I had previously learned, from several different sources - as, I think, we all did - that, according to Lucy Mack Smith (the prophet's mother), her husband, Joseph Smith Sr, had actually had what became "Lehi's Dream" in 1811 while they lived in Lebanon, New Hampshire. Joseph Jr. was five years old at the time and heard the dream repeated by his father several times throughout his childhood.

Growing up I was taught that the fact that Joseph's father had the dream long before it was discovered in the golden plates was remarkable and miraculous and clear evidence that God was working in the Smith family. But, sitting in that lecture on Smith Family history I was totally knocked over by even the possibility that Lehi's vision of the Tree of Life could have just been a dream had by an alcoholic man while he was passed out in the early 1800's. The notion that an alcohol induced hallucination snuck it's way into scripture and is now held sacred by millions of people who have paintings of it in their homes made me laugh my ass off. Still does - especially since I no longer believe it to be true.

So, given that I now believe scripture to basically be metaphoric, mythological and man made, as well as, oftentimes, beautiful, poetic and even inspired - and given that I am now considered by many individuals to be one in the "great and spacious" building - I would like to speak for my fellow pointers and loud laughers.

The view from where we are is breathtaking. We look down and see so many in the wilderness, struggling in the storm, holding on to a cold railing to keep from falling into the mud. We look out and see the vast view from where we stand. From our perspective we see beyond the path and the rod and the valley. We can see past the trees and hills to the sea and the stars. Then we look down again and we hear the cries and prayers. We see the fruit and, yes, it is desirable. We know because it is also in here where it is warm. In here there is fruit and meat and chocolate and wine and warmth and music. In here we sing and meditate and read and learn and sometimes even pray. We live and we love and we celebrate.

We laugh because there is joy. And, this I promise you, we are not pointing with our fingers, we are beckoning with open and outstretched hands.

Just wanted you to know.

Ode To My Religious Blog

Okay, I have found one other thing, besides my aunt Susie, that quiets my Mormon pissiness. One other place I can go for peace. A happy, laughing place in the eye of the storm. My Religious Blog.

They say that laughter is the best medicine. For me it is therapy. This guy is hysterical, the Jack Handey of Mormondom, and his blog reminds me of one of the best things about the LDS Church. It's teachings and culture are a freaking goldmine of humor. This blog should be required reading for all ex-Mormons - just to soothe the itching and twitching.

This is the first post I read, the one that made me fall in love with the site, followed by other tasty nibbles. Ready? Go...


Halloween

In my house we don’t celebrate Halloween. I don’t think its focus on evil, death and gluttony is appropriate for children who we are trying to raise in the gospel.

So this Halloween, like every Halloween, we will have a special family home evening and make some healthy snacks to eat while we watch Pulp Fiction together as a family.


Confession

I know we are not supposed to go against the teachings of the church or voice our dissenting opinions, but I have a confession:

I personally do not hope to endure all things.


Pioneer Children Sang As They Walked

I bet that got annoying pretty fast for the pioneer adults.


Articles Of Faith

We believe that all men will be punished for their own sins.

Like you know those two twins in GI Joe where if one of them got hurt, the other one would feel it?

Yeah, we don't believe that is right.


You're Not Alone

When you hear them talking about the Pride Cycle in church, do you ever get confused because you think maybe they are talking about a specialized automobile that Pride Man keeps parked in his Pride Cave next to his Pride Mobile and his Pride Copter?

If so, you're not alone.

(even though right now you're on your own)


The Pride Cycle

I guess I would have to say my favorite stage of the Pride Cycle is the stage where I am rich and prosperous.


Stories From My Mission (part three)

There was an Elder on my mission who got sent home early because he would put ether on a rag and hold it over his companion’s nose and mouth until he passed out. And then the companion would wake up at like noon the next day and not know what had happened.

Sometimes I wished he had been my companion, because I really hated having to get up early.


Stake Conference

Stake Conference is an incredible opportunity for all of the members in the same area to gather together under one roof to hear the Stake presidency teach and exhort us.

But the thing is, if your kid starts screaming and crying, it’s probably best for you to take them home so they don’t disturb all the other people who are trying to listen.

I guess what I am trying to say is that I don’t think it’s an unpardonable sin to discretely pinch your kid to make him start crying.

And sometimes I think that is one of the best reasons to have kids.


The Fullness Of Time

1000 years on earth is equal to one day in heaven.

(I learned that from reading Abraham 3:4)

Two hours in Stake Conference is equal to about 15 hours outside of Stake Conference.

(I learned that from accidentally going to Stake Conference once)


Seriously, I know that Brother Gatsby's blog is true.

In the name of The Hoff, Amen.

Anti-Mormon

Last November when I, along with so many others, had my panties violently in a bunch over the Mormon Church's involvement in Prop 8, I noticed something interesting. I read other blogs where people who were, or had once been, members blast the church for what it was doing and then follow it up with a "don't get me wrong, I'm not anti-Mormon..." It's funny how so many of us still carry around the notion that being anti-Mormon is the very worst thing a person can be. That an "Anti" is some horn sprouting sewer creature that will eat your eyes if you get too close to it.

Anti only means against, doesn't it? Against, as in not for. Well, I am certainly not for the Mormon Church these days. I am most definitely against it. I am against ignorance and bigotry and homophobia. I am against lies and crazy making. Jesus himself cleared the temple, his holy place, when it was defiled. The leaders of the church defiled my temple. They, and those that obeyed them last fall, spat upon people and things that I hold sacred. They came knocking on our door and threw down the gauntlet. They were the BigFatBullies on our playground. They took away human rights. Why do we, on the outside, have to be polite and walk on eggshells in the face of the enormous pain they have caused and the damage their beliefs have inflicted? Why are we required to be kind in the face of such unkindness?

There is a time to turn the other cheek and be the bigger person. And then there is a time to say enough. No more. And, for hundreds of thousands of us, that time is now.

So, am I an anti-Mormon? Well, since I am not for, and based on the fact that I am against, I guess the answer is, pretty much, you betcha.

Wanna see my horns?

Are You There, God? Thank You For Chelsea

Okay, so I just finished "Are You There, Vodka? It's Me, Chelsea." I have never, and I do mean never, laughed out loud so hard, or so often, while reading a book. I am now a serious fan and cannot wait to get my hands on her "My Horizontal Life."

Come on, how can I not be madly in love with a woman who writes...

I got an upsetting letter from the mother of a midget, who wrote that she had watched and interview of mine on television and, "as the mother of a little person, was deeply offended" by my comments regarding little people; above all, the fact that I referred to them as "nuggets."

What this woman doesn't understand is that I am not the enemy. Next to fat babies, midgets are my favorite things to hold. I love them so much, and I want to help them do adult things like drive cars, Jet-ski, and lip-sync. I'm in awe of their little limbs, their large craniums, and their medicine-ball like asses. I love the little baby steps they take while shifting their weight from side to side, and the fact that when you knock one over accidentally, he flails like a turtle on its back that can't get up right away.

Let me make one thing clear: I do not have a midget fetish - I like to think of it as more of a healthy obsession. And because I adore them so much, I want to raise midget awareness and prevent their further exploitation by others. I am deeply offended by midget pornography and by people who hire midget strippers for bachelor parties. That type of behavior really crosses the line in my book. What I'm truly interested in is dressing them in evening wear, more along the lines of the attire Miss Piggy used to wear on "The Muppet Show," or the little man from Monopoly. I'm talking about tuxedos, sequined ball gowns, and fedoras.

AND...

Kimmy's best features were her head and triceps. She wasn't as fat as I would have liked, but she was extremely muscular, which made her shape very aerodynamic. I immediately started fantasizing about pinning a cape to her back and tossing her off the roof of my apartment building.

She just goes on and on and on and on... Seriously, thank God for Chelsea Handler.

Validation

HAPPY NEW YEAR INTERNETLAND! This wonderful short film takes about 16 minutes to watch and is well worth every minute. It is the perfect way to bring in any and every new year - with love and smiles.