Letting It Go

Okay, so it turns out I’m not actually a gay man. I know – stop the presses. That statement might make you laugh but the truth of it has slapped me upside all four cheeks and changed everything.

A few weeks ago I was talking with a friend about all my reasons for being so pissed off at the Mormon Church and for speaking out about gay rights and, mid-sentence, I hit a wall and literally could not finish what I was saying. And that was it. Just like that I was done. I am done. I can no longer be angry like I have been. I can no longer hate like I have. And I can no longer spend my life marching at the front of someone else’s parade.

That is not to say that I am done caring about the rights of my fellow human beings or that I am done having very specific conversations at very specific times on very specific topics. It just means that I cannot care about someone else’s rights more than I care about my own happiness. I cannot care more about someone else’s sexuality more than I care about the state of my own personal fulfillment. And I cannot care more about tearing down than I do about building and blessing.

I cannot fill my heart with so much passion for gay men that there is no room for the love of a wonderful straight man. I cannot be driven to be a good daughter more than I am driven to have a healthy and autonomous self. And I cannot fill my guts with more anger, more righteous indignation and more piss and vinegar about what someone else says and does than I do with love and kindness and hope and the freedom of forgiveness and passion for being the one in charge of creating my own blissfully happy life and in rocking the planet with as much light and laughter as I possibly can.

My internal scales have been tipped in the wrong direction for far too long. And I am done.

I have been asked by many people what I think of the Mormon Church’s latest statement. I think it is a smokescreen. I think it is an attempt to clean up an ugly and embarrassing mess and a way to get out of the corner they painted themselves into. Is it a step? Sure, but not an enlightened one. It was a PR move, plain and simple. They still referred to full equality as “violence” against marriage. Everyone is Ooo-ing and Ahh-ing because a bully has agreed not to hit so hard. Whatever.

Both Reed and Dustin Lance Black, as well as many others, have spoken out eloquently about it. You all know where I stand and how I feel. Bishop John Shelby Spong wrote a Stunning Manifesto that I echo with all my heart. He will no longer... And I will no longer...

Change is already here. It is a done deal. Many, many individuals and institutions are still digging their heels and will bring up the rear years after the rest – but they will get there. There are many that are still in those institutions and surrounded by those individuals that are working hard to make a difference and then there are those to whom it is all just a non issue who have moved on with their lives and are the embodiment of “being the change they wish to see in the world.”

Memo to my fellow Ex-Mormons: As M, a dear friend of mine, wrote in response to the recent events: “It's part of the historic symptoms of my LDS disease to be looking for crumbs to fall off the patriarchal table. So the moment I start looking, like the abused woman that I am, I gotta remind myself – keep walking away, nothing has changed. Once the spotlight is on – because either the cops have been called or the neighbors have complained – he sends her flowers or can be seen washing her car or offers to take the kids for the day. The woman sighs and says, "This time I think he's really changed," and the community sighs with relief because it wants to avoid confrontation. Morsels dropped to avoid the big one. And yes, the woman experiences momentary relief and is lulled once again into staying in the relationship. Until the next one, or until she wakes up one day all alone to realize she has wasted her life waiting for things to change. And she called it love. And hope. Morsels dropped to keep change at bay. Part of the symptoms of the disease, the dance between abuser and abused, and the community outside marvels. Yikes. This is like saying, ‘Good progress. He's quit beating her. But she still can't own the house, use the check book or sleep under the same roof at night.’ Abuse is abuse is abuse.”

It is time to let it go – the anger, the pain, the massive confusion… Haven’t we had enough? Haven’t our lives been dictated by the Mormon Church long enough? Haven’t we given it enough of our minds, hearts, time and energy? Far too many of us woke up and found ourselves in a mental ward and are still running around the halls yelling and focusing on all the things we see that are crazy – all the things that hurt us and robbed us of so much – rather than opening the doors and just walking away. Rather than basking in the sunshine and embracing lives filled with joy and wholeness and the buckets and buckets of love and freedom that are ours for the taking.

It is time to let go. It is time to move on. It is time to know peace.

The issues are still there and I do still care about them – but never again will I care about them MORE than I care about myself, my children and my loved ones being happy and thoroughly enjoying the playground of this glorious thing we call life.