Okay Internetland, I want a comment-a-palooza on this one...
One of my very favorite things to laugh about is the mountain of faith promoting stories that Mormons repeat to strengthen their own, and others, testimonies. I'm certain that this happens in many other religions but my experience is with the Mormons - who are just so professionally good at it.
You know what I'm talking about. Those stories that are told in Testimony Meetings, Sunday School, Seminary, Family Home Evening, the MTC (Missionary Training Center)... Those ones about the relatives that were thrown into vats of boiling oil and burned beyond recognition except for the still pink, soft flesh where their garments were; the sister missionaries that tracked the house of the mass murderer but he didn't attack them because of the "two large men [aka: angels] standing behind them"; the 3 Nephite sightings that usually include warnings about food storage... Those stories.
Here is my very favorite: Did you all know that the early Mormon pioneer MEN whose wives died crossing the plains actually developed breast milk and were blessedly able to nurse their motherless babies as they continued their trek west???
Pioneer men with lactating breasts. Totally hot.
What's your favorite slice of BS?
14 comments:
Heavy Metal music is the devil's work and people commit suicide if they listen to it.
I think I just threw up in my mouth a little.
My fave just happens to be the one, you know how it goes, 1978, *POOF* men of color are SUDDENLY worthy to hold the priesthood. Spiritual violence.
Can't wait for the sequel.
#1 - In about 1980 my friend's brother returned from his mission (Hawaii I think, not sure). He told the story he had heard of a witch who could stop lava by holding up her hand and commanding it to stop (and it would, actually, stop) and how she would curse people and they'd become sick, or even die. He said that one day she cursed the LDS Missionaries, and the next day SHE was dead and all the missionaries had was a headache. (God couldn't stop ALL of her witchiness from getting through I suppose).
#2 - I've heard this one all of my life. An LDS Missionary goes to an Evangelical Bible Healing meeting, with a broken leg. He hobbles up to the front and gets healed, really, actually healed. Then the Mission President hears about it and lays his hands on him and casts out Satan and his leg is again broken (showing of course that only the LDS people have real faith and or God's authority to be involved in healings, while all other religions just have Satan performing parlor tricks on them. Of course, the funny thing to me is that this particular story also shows that God apparently CAN'T heal a broken leg).
Lactating men? I bet it will be all the rage in a few years. Apparently it can be done if you give them the right hormones. I googled the subject because I hadn't heard that story before (of course I haven't ever heard any of them taught or believed, just as jokes at BYU) But I hadn't heard that one at all.
My favorite stories are a different brand of faith-building BS--like my Grandma telling me about how divine inspiration is what got her the bigger, nicer corner condo that she had been eyeing for several months instead of a less desirable, non-remodeled unit.
I've heard ones about people thinking they were going to have to buy a Honda (oh the horror!) but then grace stepped in, softened the heart of the car dealer, and got them the BMW they really wanted. (ACTUAL SACRAMENT MEETING TESTIMONY. NOT JOKING.)
Of course, this was just salt in the wounds of my faithful, studious, humble, tithing-paying parents who couldn't always make ends meet (what with having babies right away like they were supposed to, and giving ten percent of their entire income away like they were supposed to. Damn cult.)
How about the "Birdies" story:
A little boy, three years old, is trapped under a garage door when it is accidentally closed by the automatic garage door opener. He is pronounced dead by a neighbor who is a doctor, but he is revived with CPR by the paramedics. A month later, waking from a nap, he tells his mother a story about "birdies" wearing white and green who came to him while he was under the garage door. Then he points to a picture on the wall of an LDS temple and says that the "birdies" took him to the temple during his out of body experience and showed him other "birdies" in cages that needed our help to free them.
I have had that "Birdies" story emailed to me a half a dozen times but from a very broad Christian perspective. OF COURSE someone added their LDS spin and threw the temple and work for the dead in the mix! Good God.
I once heard a story in Testimony meeting of an old woman who was on a tight budget and bought groceries sparingly. One day she was at the grocery store and passed the peanut butter. She never gets peanut butter, but something told her to pick up a jar. She didn't want to, so she passed by, but before she left the store, she found herself back at the peanut jar aisle. She decided to pick up a jar, and went home. Later that evening, her daughter showed up on her doorstep with her grandchild who was hungry. The old woman was able to go to the cupboard and make the child a peanut butter sandwich. It is such a wonderful thing when an old woman listens to the Spirit, don't you think? What would she have done without that peanut butter?
There's an article in this month's Ensign about a student who had a horrible morning and prays that someone will come cheer her up. She keeps an eye out for a friend, but nobody shows up. She goes to class, takes a test, etc. all in a lousy mood. Later that day, her visiting teacher sees her on campus and talks to her for an hour. OF COURSE this is an answer to her prayer, since God knows her better than herself and knew that he should wait to send someone until after she had calmed down.
The Youth of Today (February, 2009), are the chosen generation, reserved to come forth to usher in the second coming.
No, not the Youth of the 1970's, we were just kidding when we told them that. Oh, and not the Youth of the 1980's. We were a little off the mark. And can you blame us for thinking it was the Youth of the 90's (since we also thought Christ would return in 2000)? Oops. But you guys are totally the chosen generation, since you have the secret knowledge disallowing double piercings and tattoos.
And when you die, people will bow down to you in heaven because you were alive when American Idol was on TV.
All I can say is Thank you for making me get a new monitor and keyboard. I spewed by drink all over the old ones when I read this blog!
Thanks and I miss your blogs on Myspace.
John
Wow, this post has been really thought provoking for me. I usually just think "aw, anti mormons" when I read peoples perspectives on here, and lots of these comments were in that category.... like saying Mormons thought Christ would return in 2000 and saying Mormons believe blacks were suddenly worthy to receive the priesthood...you know, normal baseless blown out of proportion mocking. But a few of the comments cited actually pretty standard stuff here, like Ensign articles that I actually believe, and grandma getting a nice condo. It made me realize what I love to realize which is that my worldview sounds CRAZY to some people. Somehow I love that. I will tell you my favorite story that fits squarely into this category, but which I find very sweet. In CT in stake conference a woman, speaking about little children's prayers said that she was home alone (her mom was shopping) when she was six or seven. She was playing with a bouncy ball and broke her mom's serving platter. She prayed that it would go back together. It didn't. She put a cloth over it and prayed again with all her faith. She removed the cloth and...it was still broken. She was in despair. She hid the plate, so scared to tell her mom. Her mom came home and unloaded the shopping bags. Out of one bag she unwrapped a new serving platter and said something like "I know we already have one, but I just saw this and really wanted it" I love that story and find it amusing/baffling that some of the commenters on here would think I'm batty and misled because of it! I suppose it is just as stupid as the peanut butter one, but I guess the kids in high school were right, I'm just a Mormie-Mormon.
When I was in my teens going on splits with the missionaries one of them told me that there is a room in the temple that has no door but that the prophet can go in.
Oh dear, that was amazing stuff to a 15 year old.
Oh, and Mr. Brightside's story about the broken leg, my cousin who served in Japan told me the same story only it was Japanese mysticism that healed a broken arm, which was then rebroken by a blessing from the elders. *sigh*
What about the story of the little boy who witnessed his father killing his mother and then was put into foster care with a mormon family. The first week at primary he points to a picture of jesus and says "that's the man who stayed with me the night my daddy shot my mommy". Yes, I cried during that story long ago. sigh
Also, the sealer at my temple wedding went into graphic detail about his brother, a test pilot in WWII. His plane went down and the only part of his charred remain left was his (garment clad) torse. His mother was able to identify his parts because of this so we should ALWAYS wear our garments. Especially when dropping bombs on other nations. Good to know. And oh so romantic on my wedding day.
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