I cannot tell you the absolute glee that filled my being when, not only was I told this unbelievably ridiculous tale, but was given permission to blog it.
Tommy, NOT his real name, is a friend of mine. Molly, NOT her real name either, is not - although she should be. She soooo needs me. Except, if this woman were my friend I would seriously have to hit her with something heavy that smelled of old cheese - so never mind. I swear to Jeebus that every word of this is true. Names have been changed to protect, not Tommy - he would shout this shit from the rooftops but, sweet Molly - who clearly needs protecting from, not only herself but, her bishop and the church that is the one and only true maker of the crazy.
Back Story: Tommy and Molly were friends in high school. Not close friends but they did attend a school dance together. She is now a single returned Mormon missionary in her thirties, Primary President (Primary is the church program for children), and proud cat owner. Tommy is a big, beautiful gay man who is about as Mormon as I am and has been in a solid and enviable relationship for nine years.
So, Molly contacts Tommy on Facebook and asks him if he ever got the message she left with his father. No, he did not. Seems she has been trying to find him, needs to talk to him and, clearly, sees the Facebook connection as a sign that their reunion is "meant to be."
Tommy is on Facebook one night and Molly sends him an Instant Message. "Can I call you?" Tommy..." Um... I guess."
11:30 PM. Phone rings.
Tommy: Hello?
Molly: Hi Tommy, it's Molly.
[Chit chat about Primary and cats. Then...]
Molly: I have something I want to ask you. Kathy told me you are gay. Is that true?
Tommy: Yes, it's true. I am gay.
Molly: Well... [pause] How gay are you?
Tommy: Um... pretty much as gay as you can get.
Molly: Have you ever acted on it?
Tommy: Yep. Pretty much for the past ten years.
[Quiet]
Molly: I have to tell you something weird.
Tommy: Okay...
Molly: I've been having this dream about you for the past year.
[Quiet]
Tommy: Okay...
Molly: My dream is, basically, that we should be more than friends.
Tommy: Um... what does that mean?
Molly: I think... that we are eternal companions.
Tommy: Um... well... I'm gay.
Molly: Well, I talked to my bishop about it and he said that I should talk to you about my dream - about us being more that just friends.
Tommy: [Stunned silence.]
Molly: I really think we are meant to be. In my Patriarchal Blessing it says that I met my eternal companion in the pre-existence and that if he doesn't make the right choices I will be alone. Are you willing to make the right choices, Tommy? Are you willing to use the Atonement? Are you willing to erase your sin so that we can be together? Because... I'd be willing to help you work through it.
Tommy: I'm very flattered but... I Am Gay. And I'm very happy in my relationship. I don't feel like it's a sin and I'm really comfortable with where I'm at.
Molly: Well, I really feel like this is my destiny and I'm afraid that you're going to mess it up.
Tommy: Um, Molly, I don't really know what else to say. It's late and this really isn't a good time...
Molly: Remember that I am the Primary President and would love to have you come to church with me so you can learn from those pure little souls and follow their example...
Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!
Of course, when he told me this story we were laughing, nigh unto death, jumping up and down and doing the OhMyGodGig. This little tale is absolutely hysterical except for the fact that it is totally sad and seriously fucked up.
This poor, single, lonely, sexually frustrated woman had a crush on this beautiful gay boy in high school, started dreaming about him in adulthood, has created a fairy tale backed by her bishop and has now set out to manipulate and shame a gay man into marrying her. How fun for both of them.
"Use" the Atonement? Like it's a deodorant for the gay stink or something. This chick doesn't need an atonement. She needs a therapist, a bishop with a brain and a vibrator.
How gay are you? I am so sure.
20 comments:
OMFG.
That's insane. But completely believable. Fantasies produced by the "spirit". Of course. Why didn't I think of that?
Yes, this is seriously one of the best stories I've ever heard about Mormons.
And the creepy thing is, I'm sure this happens way more often than we hear about - some crazy deciding that "the spirit" has told them they are destined to be "eternal companions" with someone they're stalking. Happens a lot at BYU actually.
Un-fucking-believeable. Except I do believe it-I know people like this.
thank you "tommy" for granting the permission to share.. this was RICH!!
That is funny. I think the chances of her interpretation of the dream actually being backed by her bishop are about 3%, but it is funny and sad nonetheless. Yes, every girl who has gone to BYU has had a couple guys try to play the "revelation" card.
Great Post! I heard about you from a John Dehlin interview.
I'm feeling so edified by the spirit I've felt here. Please completely abandon who you are and come be my Primary chorister.
What, no Mormon defense yet?
How DARE anyone question her to turn away from the SPIRIT that led her to make a courageous, righteous decision!
jk, what a silly confused woman. That's an actual quote from a hardcore Mormon defending a woman who was following some similarly dubious "spiritual promptings"
What a wack-job. So sad that her bishop was encouraging the insanity.
This kind of happened to me when I was in college. I've learned that whenever someone claims revelation to back up something THEY already want, they're either lying or deluded.
That's funny. And weirdly sad. And kind of creepy.
Definitely sad. It's amazing how much Mormonism fucks with people's heads, isn't it? I grew up believing I had some kind of special mission to perform, and I was always looking for it. Of course, that pales in comparison to this woeful tale. Thanks for sharing. :)
Whaddya say we hold a special group fast for Molly?
OMG! This is the funniest shit I have ever read!!! I'm totally all in on that group fast--and let's fast for Tommy, too, so he'll know the error of his ways and return to his rightful eternal companion, Molly.
I guess we should all be thankful her dream from the Spirit (tm) only had her pestering some poor guy to change his life and become her eternal companion. Thank Whomever that she wasn't inspired to, say, kill an apostate and her baby, Ron-and-Dan-Lafferty-style.
The Mormon doctrine of "personal revelation" in this instance is amusing. In some cases it is downright dangerous, as Krakauer so ably demonstrated in Under the Banner of Heaven.
Thanks for providing a laugh--and an accompanying cautionary tale
Equality:
I'm an ex-Mormon, so I'm not leaping to the defense of Mormonism, but I think it's a stretch to blame what the Laffertys did on the "Mormon doctrine of personal revelation." There are crazy people everywhere. And sometimes crazy people use religion to justify their actions. A woman threw her babies off a bridge and said she was "giving them back to Jesus." Plenty of murderers have stated God told them to commit their crimes. It doesn't mean their religion is to blame. It just means they're seriously effed up.
Haha. The atonement as a deodorant stick for gay stink. Brilliant. I'm still chuckeling.
As an ex-Mormon who no longer believes in God, I personally think that anyone who uses the excuse that God told them to do whatever has a little bit of crazy in them.
I was in singles wards during college and most of my twenties AND thirties (I know, pathetic). I met LOTS of women who could have been the Molly in this story. Had I not escaped the church, I could have been that Molly too. I think singles wards are crazy-making. Pour a little sexual frustration on top of a little unfulfilled priesthood blessing, add patriarchal blessing, sprinkle with minor depression, unfulfilled promises, jealousy, and loneliness, and VOILA! Crazy...
AMEN! And BRAVO! And... welcome to decades of my life too - hence the title of my book and this blog.
CRAZY!!!
I feel sad for Molly in this story. I think that we can also blame the patriarchy for causing Molly to feel that she has to have an eternal companion to reach her worth. Gawd.
You don't know me, but congratulations on making me laugh so hard I almost wet my pants. Cheers to you and "Tommy" both.
OMG This is so crazy!! The scary part is that does totally make sense in the Mormon community...
Post a Comment