Hell Fire And Sweaty Man Boobs

Last Saturday my son played in a Deacon's (12-13 year old Mormon boys) basketball tournament. The reasons for this are few fold: (a) it was with the scout troop from our old neighborhood / ward that he is still in (b) the kids are really great and he has a happy time with them (c) he loves basketball so I was more than happy to endure the fact that... (d) life has an awesome sense of humor and wanted to make my butt pucker by forcing me to spend an entire day in a Mormon Stake Center.

We entered the building at 7:30 am, which on a weekend was not remotely pleasing - even in the sight of God, to something which was not remotely pleasing in the sight of me: A "Shirts & Skins" game being played by the high priests. This means the room was full of men ages 40 - 60+ and that half of them had no shirts on. Not one was the proud owner of a body that should be running up and down a basketball court undressed. Their bellies, which were hanging over their yanked-up-too-high-thanks-for-sharing-the-camel-toe-Brother shorts, were being played like bongo drums by their ginormous man boobs. Several wore headbands that suggested they saw the movie Flashdance ten too many times and most were playing with the agility of a drunken Quasimodo.

This is somehow perfectly acceptable but they don't allow the women to play volleyball in tank tops??? I say if the men are going to be allowed to defile the house of the Lord in such a manner then the sisters ought to be able to do it too. I say only topless sports should be played in Mormon cultural halls from now on! Then I might be inclined to hang about the place more often and sell tickets to my own rude little game called guess my gender.

So, I'm sitting there in the gym before the first fully-clothed-boy game, still giggling about my phone going off and blasting the Charlie's Angels theme during the prayer, when my brain registers that the boys are chanting something about hell and that my son is staring at me with a dead pan look on his face. I mutter under my breath and put on my glasses in order to read the poster on the stage.

I glory in plainness; I glory in truth; I glory in my Jesus, for he hath redeemed my soul from hell. I have charity for my people, and great faith in Christ that I shall meet many souls spotless at his judgment-seat. 2 Nephi 33:6-7 (Book of Mormon)

It was at that moment that my butt pucker became a full-on colon implosion and I began laughing uncontrollably at the absurdity of it. ALL OF IT. These sweet boys just wanted to play basketball. Why not at least have them recite a scripture that could be tied into fairness, the Golden Rule and sportsmanship? Why force them to recite, 7 times by the end of the day, crap about redemption and judgment?

Hey people, here's a wacky thought - how about, instead of piling fear-shame-guilt stones on the sweet souls of boys that that are already spotless just because of the great kids / children of God they are, you try glorying in plain white tees and focusing on not standing shirtless at the free throw line?

Good Lord...