THIS Is Why

This dating site profile, sent to me by a friend, is the exact reason I REFUSE to date online. Granted, I would never join a LDS dating service, which is obviously where this dreamboat was found, but they're all just different sides of the same crazy coin. I know there are those rare exceptions. And I know, many people really have have found true love online. I refuse to be one of them.

"A little about me...I am on a quest to carry out the master plan of salvation, the plan of perfection and fulfill the rainbow covenant."

What does that even mean??? I hear "Rainbow Covenant" and assume that everyone that hits the celestial kingdom is either greeted by The Village People or Kermit The Frog. Either of those scenarios, by the way, would seriously make me consider going back to church.

"I am strong, healthy, wealthy, and wise."

Okay, thanks Ben Franklin. Dork.

"I am also intelligent. I had the highest scores on the organic chemistry finals at the number one college of chemistry in the world. I have BS in chemistry from UC Berkeley. I earned a second BS in chemical engineering at CSULB. I was at the top of the class with a 3.8 GPA. I made the President's list. I have a master plan for building starships in my lifetime."

Okay, dude, at first I'm thinking, "Yeah, you're Mister Smart Science Guy - which isn't in and of itself a negative as long as it's balanced with some..." And then you hit me with the starship and suddenly I'm thinking Doc Brown is not someone I want to crawl into bed with. Ever.

"I have not had children yet, and really need to soon."

Um... no you don't.

"How I feel about the Church..."

Oh boy, here we go...

"Our Church is the best thing to happen since Noah preserved our seed from the tidal wave that destroyed Atlantis and ended the Pleistocene Epoch. I was a Starship builder years before His Angels guided me to the Church. I wanted to explore the Universe. But there were no Starships here. So if it was to be, it is up to me. It is prophesized that we will be Kings and Queens of other Worlds. How will you get there without Starships? How can I build Starships without you?"

I don't know, Loopy. But I'm sure you'll find a way.

"What I do for fun..."

What, besides the late night porn fests in your parents basement?

"I love the beach, walks, dancing, gardening, and refining gold. All my life I have dreamt of marrying a beautiful blonde woman with blue eyes. She does not have children. She wants to have children. I feel that asking for more than this is asking more of God than is reasonable. These qualities are sufficient to inspire me. To this woman I will make love to all night long, forever. The more intelligence she has, the better. There are myriads of activities involved in building starships. Her hobbies, skills and talents will find a place. Her children will be highly intelligent. Her descendants will someday occupy many solar systems. The thread of life that has run through her from the beginning of time shall continue for at least 100,000,000,000 years. In this way, she shall know eternal life."

Dang! I was so close. I have the hair. I have the eyes. If it weren't for those pesky two kids I already have I could be focusing my many talents and skills on starship building with a red hot sexual dynamo who can go all night. Forever. Damn. There goes my last chance at love.

I hope that my hobbies, skills and talents may one day still find a place. In bed with Blair Underwood. And that my children will still be highly intelligent without being social retards. And, finally, that the thread of my smart-ass, tequila-shooting, chocolate craving, midget mocking, sex-loving life will continue for at least... um... 61 more years.

And in that way, I shall most definitely know eternal life.

* * *

HOWEVER: If this was a joke and was written by a guy with that cool a sense of humor - I would go out with him, at least once, in a heartbeat.

As long as we didn't meet online.