In The Stars

Yesterday my mom took me to get a free astrological reading at a local Ayurvedic store. It's been a very long time since I have been open to anything of the sort - even as a parlor game. But I decided that I have been in full ownership of my brain for a long enough time that I wasn't in danger of any wild goose chases - just a little interesting fun. I have no real understanding of astrology and the way it works so I really didn't know what to expect.

We walk in and "Auntie" immediately wants to know what this mess is she sees regarding my father. Apparently there was a fountain of information about the very, very, very bad experience I had with my father - one that left me with no identity and, basically, determined decades of pain and very, very, very bad decision making. This led her to my "nothing but miserable" marriage. More good times. And I'm thinking, "Well, duh. I could have told you all that..." But also interested that she got all that from my birth date and time. Or she Googled me before I arrived.

Then she tells me that I use a lot of foul language. Now, how it can be written in the stars that I use foul language I have no idea but the fact that she, in front of my mom, repeated it several times, said that I basically can't help it and that it will serve me well in my writing career made me jump for damn-shit-hell joy.

Also, apparently I am unlike most other humans that have several good stars. I have only two because my sun is so strong it has burned them all up. Good to know. Next: "You don't have a brain like your mother. You do not have the same intellect. She is very smart, very intelligent and you are not like her." Note to self: Do not ever attempt to play Trivial Pursuit or Scrabble with Mom again. Stick to Candy Land and Go Fish.

But, after being told that I have much success and money in my future and that I will marry a "tall, dark and very, very handsome" man that will be my spiritual match and with whom I will be extraordinarily happy, I decided that the game had totally been worth playing. Even for a dumb-ass with astrological Tourette's like me.

Merry Christmas

Merry Christmas Internetland!

After working on my house until I couldn't physically lift the paintbrush one more time, or pack one more freaking box, I sent myself off to my mom's house. The great nights sleep that, for three weeks, I had been living and breathing for ended up being on the floor of the Vegas airport due to a snow storm. My exhausted and sleep deprived self finally landed in a bed sometime on Friday and did nothing but sleep for two days. Well, that and one other thing that I haven't done forever. Read.

Oh my God, it was bliss. I grabbed my daughter's copy of "Twilight" by Stephenie Meyer and devoured all four hundred and something pages in one day. Like a nursing baby not ready to surrender the boob I violently demanded more. Mom's friend delivered their copy of the sequel "New Moon" and I had my way with that five hundred and whatever page bad boy in one night. Sheer bliss.

Everyone on the planet seems to be reading this series and I wanted to know what the big whoop was about. The books themselves are really fun but I gotta tell ya, I am most excited by the fact that such romantic and sexually tense vampire yummies were written by someone that attended BYU! About a hundred years ago I was totally into the Anne Rice vampire chronicles. Thank you, Sister Meyer, for reminding me about my thing for vampires and for reinserting them on the list of things that keep me going - right between Blair Underwood and long haired Chippendale dancers.

Oh yeah, and baby Jesus.

Christmas was spent at mom's without my children but with more time alone with my brothers and mom than I have had in many, many years. Last night the four of us sat down and went through an old box of our fathers belongings - dividing up and throwing away. We reminisced about the years before both he and Katy died. Lots of laughter. Lots of sugar. Lots of fun.

Hope you all had a fabulously wonderful day. And, if any of you can also say that you got your father's old fake eyelashes as a gift this year you can have half my Christmas goose.

Best Christmas Cookie Recipe EVER

I honestly don't think I have ever worked this hard, for this long, in this particular way - 20 hours of heavy physical labor a day - before in my life. I have decided to stay here in Utah (more on that after I get to San Francisco for Christmas) but am still selling my home and downsizing to a townhouse. I am flying to my mom's on Thursday. Before then, I need to finish getting my house totally ready to put on the market (there is still sooo much to do!), pull off Christmas for my kids and get all three of us packed for ten days.

Needless to say I am, and have been for a while now, exhausted beyond words. So, I was thrilled when a friend sent me a cookie recipe for the "BEST Christmas Cookie Recipe EVER." I decided to take a break, get my priorities in check and remind myself of what this season is really about. And, I'll be damned if she wasn't right. I followed the recipe to the letter and highly recommend you all do the same.

• 1 cup of water
• 1 tsp baking soda
• 1 cup of sugar
• 1 tsp salt
• 1 cup of brown sugar
• Lemon juice
• 4 large eggs
• 1 cup nuts
• 2 cups of dried fruit
• 1 bottle Jose Cuervo Tequila

Sample the Cuervo to check quality. Take out a large bowl. Check the Cuervo again to be sure it is of the highest quality. Pour one level cup and drink. Turn on the electric mixer. Beat one cup of butter in the large fluffy bowl. Add one teaspoon of sugar. Beat again. At this point it's best to make sure the Cuervo is still OK. Try another cup... just in case. Turn off the mixerer thingy. Break 2 leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit. Pick the frigging fruit off floor. Mix on the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers just pry it loose with a drewscriver. Sample the Cuervo again to check for tonsisticity. Next, sift two cups of salt or something. Check the Jose Cuervo. Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink. Whatever you can find. Greash the oven. Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over. Don't forget to beat off the turner. Finally, throw the bowl through the window, finish the Cose Juervo and make sure to put the stove in the dishwasher.

Happy Holidays Internetland!

Holding Out

"You "rubbed" Gonzo's "lamp" plenty?? Wow. You're REALLY holding out on us. And who the hell is GONZO??"

First things first. Yes, I am holding out on you. I learned a big, fat lesson earlier this year about blogging about a relationship before it is really up and running on strong legs. I have dated since then but also have chosen to keep it to myself. It was good for me to do so but I think that I may find more of a happy middle ground in the future. Not telling everything - but telling enough because, let's face it - the dating pool is filled with great material that would just be a bloody shame to keep entirely to myself.



Which brings me to the second question. My summer lover. Gonzo. You all know him as Gonzo The Great. And, yes, he was my lover.





The relaxing getaway...



The Gettin' down on the dance floor...



The way he was so in touch with his inner child...



The romance...



And his cute little butt (not to mention his magical-in-ways-I-can't-even-publicly-mention nose) all helped me overlook his very weird thing with chickens.



But they were not enough to help me overlook his nasty temper...



And his many substance abuse problems...



Things just went from bad to worse so I ended our wild love affair and got him into rehab. I've heard he is doing just fine and will be home with Camilla in time for for Christmas.



So, there you have it. That's who the hell Gonzo is. He was my midget-like fuzzy, blue, hook nosed, wildly good time Muppet lover.

Sorry you asked?

24/7

Painting, packing, scraping, scrubbing, sanding, spackeling, painting, screwing (not the fun kind), unscrewing, painting, ripping up, taking down, painting ceilings totally sucks, bleaching, hammering, masking, patching, oh and did I mention - painting???

Exhausted. And happy as hell.

Emily Vision: Gratitude

Dear Internetland:

I simply cannot believe the response I got to Emily Vision . It floors me that strangers would not only ask how they could donate but that many of you actually did! One angel of a Christmas miracle even added them all together and sent a check for my very own "Twelve Days of Christmas." There are friends playing wildly with me in my sleep and names in my bra - and I could not be more grateful. Grateful for the many, many strangers that read this blog religiously and care about my musings, well being and the goings on in my world.

And the fact that strangers actually sent me money? For once I am actually speechless. "Thank You" doesn't even come close. One day I will throw a big fat party and you are all invited!

Truth is, Emily Vision is about so much more than wine and chocolate and water buffalo. It's about laughter and entertainment - about lifting and healing. It's about books, Cd's, retreats, stage shows and independent films. It is about creating a million beautiful moments for myself and those that care to join in.

So, Jerry Lewis and I are pleased with the Emily Vision donations thus far and want you all to know that the lines will stay open until the end of time. And, for all of you who asked if you can give me 10% of your income the answer is absolutely YES!

I won't even ask you about your underwear.