Okay, so I'm bugged that I felt the need to clarify and smooth ruffled bloomers in my last post. I ain't doing that anymore. Family and friends that are believing Mormons, you know that I love you and don't think you're dumb. And I know you love me and only think I'm dumb some of the time. You also know why I feel and believe the way that I do. My opinions have been earned through blood, tears, terror, religious hallucinations and many spiritual wild goose chases. This blog is mine. It is a forum for me to be 100% myself and if that is too much for some of you, and I know that it is, you have my absolute permission to discontinue logging on. I completely understand. It won't affect my love for you one bit. Go. With my blessing.
Because, it's only gonna get worse.
For years I felt the need, and followed through with the urge, to apologize for myself constantly. I was always just so, so sorry. Sorry for not being perfect, for being female, for being funny, for laughing too loud, for not agreeing, for wanting what I wanted - whatever it was, for needing anything, for being depressed, for falling apart, for the way my brain works - and doesn't work, for wanting sex, for not wanting sex, for being afraid, for dreaming, for no longer being the skinniest girl in the room, for having the sense of humor that I have, for being one quarter gay man, for choosing out, for not being totally on top of my life... for being human.
I'm done with it. I was actually done with it a long time ago and Live Without Apology became my personal mantra. My anthem. If I cross stitched I would make ten thousand pillows screaming it. But I don't cross stitch. I make fun of cross stitching. But, one day I will put it on T-shirts and mugs and greeting cards and panties and pet sweaters and, most importantly, the souls of my children.
I don't mean refusing to apologize for something that you do - for hurting someone or for making a mess or screwing something up. I mean apologizing for being who you are. Life is too short, too beautiful, too creative a workspace and too fun a playground to apologize for being.
I am finally at home in my own skin and if that makes someone else uncomfortable well, that's not my problem. I won't apologize for that. Ever.
14 comments:
You go!
Still cheering!
Absolutely beautiful. Is it possible you become MORE incredible and inspirational with each passing day?
YEA! I wasn't quite sure what to think of your apology post as it bothered me, but I didn't know why. We don't need to apologize. As my husband's most recent partner told me--by apologizing to those near us over this issue--our exmormonism--it INVALIDATES our experience. You are where you are BECAUSE. You have the RIGHT to feel the way you do. YOU HAVE EARNED THAT RIGHT! Embrace it.
Wow! Do you know where I can find a gay man with your depth of spirit and character? You inspire me.
Actually I do, but they are all in relationships. Except for one... Hmmm...
Emily, not for the same reasons but with the same urges (needing to be set free from feeling controlled in a different way) I am trying to get where you are. Thanks for the words of wisdom, I needed that shot in the arm!
I love this post. It reminds me of my thoughts on happiness I had a few months back...
Well done, Emily.
you're beautiful, my friend
xoja
May I place a pre-order for a t-shirt, mug, greeting card, panties and pet sweater? Thank you. : )
This was unbelievable, Emily.
I'm blown away.
Wow. Great post. From dancing with crazy to living without apology . . . that's something to be proud of.
Embutt. At last. The air of freedom. Sooo very happy! Yep, this is me. Teehee...
Right on!
What other people think of you is none of your business. (The Four Agreements)
Thank you for your beautiful, frank, truthful writing.
My probably-gay-but-I-don't-care-fabulously-handsome-and-smart therapist in San Francisco (hmmmm) scolded me in those first early sessions about "being an apologist". "Why the hell are you sorry?" His voice barely rising above his smooth baritone. "You've had no involvement in whatever you're 'sorry' about." He was right. I'm convinced that much of it is cultural. I've come to learn that being humble is not being lazy. Being strong is not being unChristlike.
You're a wonder and a wonderful soul, Ms. Em.
I've been using that same mantra "Live without apology." for a few years as well with the same intent. Wonderful to hear someone else saying the same thing.
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