Mother's Day Love Fest

A few years ago, my mother and I wrote a book together called "Fuzzy Red Bathrobe: Questions From the Heart for Mother's and Daughters." We wrote this book to assist mothers and daughters in connecting, having more intimate conversations and, hopefully, a deeper understanding between them. In honor of Mother's Day, my mom has agreed to randomly choose topics out of said book and post the resulting conversation. For the record, she agreed to do this only under the condition that I don't swear at her - to which I say f...uh...okay, fine.

Em says:
Hi Mom!
CLWP says:
Hiya, Sweetie! Happy Mother's Day to both of us!
Em says:
I was just going to say that. Thanks for birthing me. And for not killing me years ago.
CLWP says:
Sure! It was a pressure! I mean--pleasure! And has gotten more so over the years.
Em says:
You had me without drugs, huh? I mean during the birth - not conception.
CLWP says:
Yep. No drugs. We Mighty Mormon women in those days opted for natural childbirth whenever possible.
Em says:
In fact, you had all four of us "naturally" huh? Ouch. You're a better woman than I. I had one without. Never again! But, I think I'm probably done replenishing the earth anyway.
CLWP says:
I did. Yes, lots of pain. By the time I had Katy I had a lot of experience with meditation and that helped somewhat. But, yes, I think women should make use of any reasonable way to lessen the pain of birthing.
Em says:
Tequila! I know, I know, you don't drink. Think of the fun we could have if you did! Hey, thank you for agreeing to play with me publicly like this. I will try to stick to my promise to not swear at you.
CLWP says:
You're welcome - we both have nothing to hide. And yes, such a relief. No cussing.
Em says:
But you feel free to cuss me out at will. I need a good laugh.
CLWP says:
Ok, ok, but I can't wrap my mouth around anything but damn and hell and you deserve SO MUCH MORE THAN THAT!
Em says:
I absolutely do.
CLWP says:
So how are you celebrating this day? Besides chatting with me.
Em says:
The kids let me sleep WAY in and then we just hung out in my bed like we did when they were little - talking and laughing. Delicious. Oh - they did give me breakfast in bed too. Peanut butter and honey toast, an apple and a yogurt.
CLWP says:
MMMMMMMMMMM.
Em says:
One year they dug through the cupboards and gave me a warm can of regular Coke (which I despise) surrounded by gumballs and sunflowers seeds on a platter!
CLWP says:
Ah, I remember. But it's the thought that counts.
Em says:
And that thought will keep me smiling forever. So, how was church??? (biting tongue)
CLWP says:
Actually it was quite good. Except for an explanation in a talk that we don't know about Heavenly Mother because our Father is protecting her. I don't know one woman who--even though her kids might be WAY OUT OF CONTROL (as indeed the human race is)--doesn't want to be right there in the mix with them. We need our Mother. End of story.
Em says:
Did you at least get spiffy treats passed down the aisles by the deacons?
CLWP says:
Hey! Come to think of it--we didn't get anything! I hadn't noticed.
Em says:
WHAT??? Unacceptable. When mothers don't get their lame little potted geraniums at church on Mother's Day (that the Relief Society prepared) then that is the day I stop going! Oh, wait...
CLWP says:
And I still have to sigh about all the tributes to mother's ongoing giving, untiring giving, forever giving. We do. But it's like we see ourselves sometimes as the Great Maternal Dispenser.
Em says:
There should be tributes to (and how-to lessons on) mother's ongoing giving to themselves. Would make us far better Mommies.
CLWP says:
Right. Our lesson in Relief Society was called "Selfless Service," which certainly has its place. But we need to remember--as the flight attendants always tell us--in case of problems with the airplane, PUT ON YOUR OWN OXYGEN MASK FIRST. I'm still trying to figure out how to balance all that. Hey, gotta take a quick break. Timer just rang for your brother John's birthday cake in the oven and I don't want to dispense to him a burnt offering. Be back in a minute.
Em says:
Sigh. Selfless service... (Bad elevator hold music)
CLWP says:
Ah, poifect! I asked John if he wanted chocolate or carrot and he said, "Enough with healthy stuff. Give me chocolate!" So it's Pillsbury German Chocolate. Loved licking the bowl ALL BY MYSELF.
Em says:
Heaven. I love carrot cake but up against chocolate? Come on, no contest!
CLWP says:
Right. Hey, yesterday when Jacquie and I finished our thirty minutes at Curves, we went to Rite-Aid and bought three different kinds of dark chocolate bars and did a taste test to see which was the best. It was our civic duty. Cadbury won.
Em says:
Really? Cadbury is mighty fine but did you try Dove?
CLWP says:
No, Dove was not one of our three. But yes, Dove is awesome. Still, the only bad chocolate is no chocolate.
Em says:
I sooo agree! I need to do a chocolate taste test - WHY HAVE I NEVER THOUGHT OF THAT BEFORE??? Brilliant! Eating chocolate until I'm sick and can actually hear myself getting fatter for a reason! I'm so happy... Okay, I am going to open the book and pick a question.
CLWP says:
Go for it. What's your question from our wealth of great stuff in (shameless plug coming) Fuzzy Red Bathrobe?
Em says:
Perfect! "Have you ever wanted to be a man?" [Insert obvious joke: “No, but both of our husbands wanted us to be!"]
CLWP says:
Oh, please! Honestly I have never wanted to be a man. My journey with feminism has always been only to increase the value placed on things and people female. (And, on the husbands, can we say “synchronicity?”)
Em says:
Me either - I love being a woman. I fought long and hard to value myself as a female. I believed such goofy things about myself growing up around gay men. Now, I am thrilled to be a woman. Love everything about it.
CLWP says:
Of course, of course, of course. And actually society gives some breadth to being a woman figuring out how to be a woman that it does not give to men being men. Interesting.
Em says:
Absolutely. Women are given much more freedom to explore who they are and what that means to them than men are, and I think that’s incredibly unfair.
CLWP says:
Okay, Em. Question: If I were required to spend an entire day doing nothing but "having fun," what would that day look like?
Em says:
You? Okay, let's see... You would sleep in as long as you could, have a healthy breakfast, walk into the hills above the house and read your favorite book at your favorite tree. Get a massage. Go to lunch with a friend. Um... You like to be alone so you'd probably read more while chewing an entire stick of gum (instead of the half piece you allot yourself) and have dinner with friends and see a good movie or play. Then you would meditate in your hot tub and go to bed. Wait, you meditate and pray in the morning, huh? Was that even close?
CLWP says:
Hey, really close. All those things sound like fun. In the hot tub I might eat a bowl of ice cream with lots of chocolate on it. And I might go shopping (which I seldom do because I don't deserve that much fun). And if it's Tuesday and I can get my senior discount of 10% at Ross' that would be even more fun. Yes, a good romantic comedy or a great play, that would be wonderful. And, yeah, reading something that makes me smile.
Em says:
Oh yeah! I forgot shopping at Ross. Too much fun for me. I prefer Target.
CLWP says:
Yeah, but last night I went to Macy's and spent more than I ordinarily would on something terrific to take with me to NYC for opening night of "Facing East." That was WAY FUN.
Em says:
Oh yeah, that would be way fun. Shopping for the opening night of your play Off-Broadway! Yey for you! Okay, here's one: If I were to describe sex in one word, what would it be?
CLWP says:
Oh, my. Let’s see, Sex? "Yessssssssss!"
Em says:
That’s the word I would use? "Yessssssssss?" Wow, you know me better than I thought! Remember when we were writing this book and my answer to that was "annoying?" How SAD was that??? It's cool to me that I have gone from describing sex as "annoying" to an "exquisite-adventure". I've come a long way Baby! What about you? Can you even think back that far?
CLWP says:
What word I would use? (Truly way far back, you know that, sadly). My word would be "Delicious." But with ecstatic, even spiritual, layers.
Em says:
Good answer. That makes me happy. I wanna get you a man.
CLWP says:
Go for it, Em.
Em says:
I'm gonna! Last question - you.
CLWP says:
Hmmm. Opened to page 44. "What are my fears?"
Em says:
Your children being unhappy.
CLWP says:
Yes, I do fear for my children and grandchildren--that life might not give them everything they deserve. HOWEVER, and this deserves to be capitalized--I insist (and usually it works) that I do not live in fear--that I make a decision to trust everyone and their own path and even trust a world that clearly is untrustworthy.
Em says:
Such a good way to live – without fear. How would it feel to have that one mastered? Hey, Mom?
CLWP says:
Yes?
Em says:
Boo! (I'm such a dork.)
CLWP says:
That was Real Scary, Em. Hey, if you are as scary as it gets, the world is in pretty good shape after all.
Em says:
Okay, we have rambled on long enough. Happy Mother's Day Mom. You are wonderful and I love you to the stars and back.
CLWP says:
OK! Hey, I love you a lot, Em. Thanks for making me a Mother. And thanks for being such a great Mother to your own. Love you for time and all eternity and whatever might be behind that. XO, your Mother.
Em says:
Mom?
Mommy says:
Yes?
Em says:
shithelldamn
Mommy says:
(Big Laugh!) Go wash your mouth out with some chocolate!
Em says:
Done.