Comment: Hey... we're all DYING to know what actually DID happen with The Man this past weekend? Aren't you going to tell us??? Don't tease us like this!!!
Now, I seriously doubt that anyone but maybe my mother is "dying" to know what is going on with The Man and I, but nevertheless I will give requested update...
What happened besides him fixing my dryer, mailbox, kitchen faucet, completely replacing my bathroom faucet that has been dripping for over four years, fixing the kids and I crepes for breakfast, making me yummy margaritas and treating me with unbelievable tenderness? You mean besides all that???
Well, The Man and I actually used the "L" word at each other. The freakin' "L" word!!! What were we thinking??? It's not that I didn't mean it, because I did. But, the second the words were out of mouths and bouncing around in the air, a steel door slammed somewhere in my chest and instantly cut off all feeling. And air.
I was going to title this blog "Brand New Running Shoes" and mock myself for being so terrified of love, but honestly I don't find what's happening funny, or mock-worthy, at all. Falling in love has always been one of my greatest talents while also, unfortunately, being my greatest and most consistent downfall. My mother wrote an entire chapter in a book about me and my capacity for love. Love is the only religion I believe in and hold fast to anymore. I have been head over heels in love - with love - since I was a little girl. The problem has always been that, in the past, when it came to falling in love, the men I nearly always chose to fall for were broken (that's putting it lightly) and nearly every relationship left me bloodied and lifeless. I absolutely acknowledge, and own, the choices I made and the circumstances I created for myself -but that is a conversation for another time. My point here is that I always bounced back. Time and time again I bounced right back up, and directly onto the next relationship - which was clearly part of the problem. But this time the recovery is vastly different. And I'm not feeling very bouncy.
Partly because I am healthier and smarter now than I have ever been when it comes to men, but mainly it's because this last one changed me. Being in love no longer means anything to me. At least not what it used to. I was with him for years. When we were first together he really was the best thing that had ever happened to me. But by the time things ended seven months ago he had become, without question, one of the worst - because he hurt me intentionally and in such a horribly calculated manner. It was bad. It quite literally mulched my insides. And it has left me struggling to feel, struggling to trust and struggling to ever believe in romantic love again.
So here comes a truly remarkable Man into my life. Is it sooner than I would probably have liked? Sure. But maybe it's exactly what I need. I have learned that life can be funny that way and, while I may not trust many things right now, my life I do trust. And, as The Man brought to my attention - and I absolutely agree, it may actually take being in a relationship to work through this stuff. In fact I know that it will. For six weeks before The Man and I re-connected I was happier than I had been in years. I felt strong and alive and on top of the world. It was only when faced with the prospect of being in a new relationship again that I got an accurate assessment of the damage done in the previous one. That would have happened whether it was six months or six years down the road.
I knew The Man ten years ago in Connecticut where my former husband was going to grad school. We were in several shows together at Connecticut Rep. Now, if I didn't already know that The Man in question was good and honest and safe there is no way I would even entertain the thought of being with someone for a long time. But I am - even though it sends me into fits of panic several times a day. Why? Because I deserve it. I deserve to know healthy and generous love. I deserve to be cherished and to not wake up years from now alone and bitter. And he deserves it too. He deserves to have the kind of love I am capable of when I have a whole heart. I determined many years ago that, no matter what it took, I would heal all my fractures and shattered places and I'm not stopping now. If I haven't had my spirit permanently broken yet, that last piece of shit isn't going to be the one to do it. He will not take my future from me along with everything else.
So, no matter how terrifying it is, I am overhauling my romantic electrical system. I joke about my new man picker but it really is amazing. Everything about this is different, new, unfamiliar and absolutely perfect for me - from his beautifully bald head to to the way he treats me and shows up in my world. I just have to keep reminding myself that I don't have to do anything. I don't have to live with him. I don't have to ever get married again. All I have to do is take care of myself and be honest and loving towards him. Who the hell knows if he is the one I will end up living my life with? There is no way I can even know such a thing right now. And, actually, right now I don't really care. I am just deeply grateful for the opportunity to learn how to do this - how to have this kind of relationship with this kind of man. If he screws me over he knows there will be mobs with torches and pitchforks hunting him to the ends of the earth. But I seriously don't see that happening.
All I can do is keep breathing in and out and taking baby step after baby step. One step: look around to make sure Emily is safe. Another step: look around to make sure Emily is still present in her body. Another step: look around to make sure Emily hasn't vanished. Another step: look around to make sure Emily isn't colluding in her own abuse, neglect and derailment AGAIN. Step after step after step until I have proven to myself that I have finally gotten it right. That I am finally safe. And that I am finally one hundred percent alive, vibrant and whole while in a relationship with a man.
Now, THAT will be better than any Academy Award could ever be.
That will be the accomplishment of my lifetime.
16 comments:
Thanks for the update. I feel much better. THE best sex EVER? Wow. I'm sure you won't be telling us just WHY sex with The Man was so much better... but WHY was sex with The Man so much better?? (Always interested in improving the sex skills, ya know?)
Perhaps it wasn't the sex-- but you that was so much better. We are all outrageously happy for you. And there are those who are now watching from a distance who WILL quickly and silently eliminate The Man should he ever harm one hair on your beautiful head.
Wow...The Man sounds phenomenal. You are a lucky lady.
Your writing is beautiful and I love reading your thoughts on this.
I went through a soul overhaul after breaking things off with my Ex. Like you (and many other women), I am always drawn towards the wrong sort of men. I sat down and thought about what I wanted in a future partner, made a list and numbered them according to importance. I looked at my past relationships and realized that nearly every man I had ever been involved with had not met the criteria in my top 5.
Soul check.
The reason I say "a soul overhaul" was because I had to take everything I ever thought I knew about love, relationships and commitment, evaluate it and then toss most of it out the window. I cleared the cobwebs, scrubbed the walls of my mind (sprayed a little Lysol ;) and slathered on the fresh coat of paint; my list.
It was a hard time and I don’t envy you. At least you have someone like The Man to help you with the remodel.
Good for you Em. So, when are you moving to Cali?
luv, cousin #2
(yep, i'm reading it!)
I am very happy for my ex-MM. I like the man, too.
Good call and congrats.
dth
This is simply beautiful. I'm glad you are taking careful steps toward a better life for yourself.
You stated it like it is. It wouldn't have mattered if it was 9 years down the road or 7 months--like you said. You can only learn to have a relationship while in one. I thought I was HEALED as I had chosen to stay out of the dating game. AND I purposely decided I would only be with the one who everyone told me years ago would be good for me (since I obviously didn't know how to pick one myself). It's been over two years and I'm still working at allowing myself to live this relationship--Like I've said before. My biggest problem is giving over all my power to a man (as we have been so well taught in our religion--and by my dad).
When mine told me he loved me, he said, 'Now you'll be able to sleep well tonight . . .' NOPE. I had less sleep that night than most nights. I was dissecting it--not able to truly believe it, wondering if he had lied, etc., etc. I have yet to tell him I love him after 2-1/2 years. I know he knows--but I should tell him. By doing so, I'm fearful of giving away my power . . . I will feel too vulnerable.
Anyway--you have to be in a relationship to truly heal, to address all those issues that brought us here in the first place. I see mine in 2-1/2 weeks (and, he is going bald and I love his bald head, too).
TELL HIM C!!!
I triple dog dare you.
OK, so I knew about "the mob" possibly coming after me (it is Utah for God's sake, posse on horseback and all), but nobody said anything about pitchforks!!!!
And, she's not kidding, it was the best sex ever, really OMG!!!!
To cl2: Emily and I knowing that we love each other while scary, is I think empowering. It allows me to be patient (always a problem for me) and her (I think) to trust that I will be here. If you know you love him, why shouldn't he hear it? Knowing it and hearing you say it are two different things. That being said, follow your heart, do what you need to do to take care of yourself.
All best!
The Man
Oh that it were that simple. For me, telling him I love him makes me weak. I become a pathetic, slobbering, bumbling idiot--waiting to be dumped. I should have told him when he told me, but he caught me so of guard, I was speechless. He was on the road (travels 3 weeks a month for work) and that was the last thing he said before he hung up the phone. I doubt I even said good-bye. Shall I say WHEN the opportunity presents itself again, I will do so (unless I become speechless again).
I'll have to talk to my therapist about that one. I've had to rely heavily on my wonderful exmo therapist (going to him 9 years now) to lead me through this relationship.
Do I love him? I never quit--after 28 years--almost 30 now. "I" came back for him . . . that took EVERYTHING I had.
I tend to believe the good sex is about CONNECTION. I've said on wildflowers before that if he had come up behind me and touched me after I hadn't seen him in 28 years, I would have known his touch. His touch heals me. And here I am debating going to Disneyland where he will be working that week--and allowing my ex to take the kids. I think I've made my decision.
This is why you are my queen Goddess: You write so beautifully and eloquently (wonder where that gift comes from). I am excited to meet the Man (so as to be able to judge, ponder, and pray about his worthiness to take my Princess's love), but we both know who THE man in your life is. And that's me! Even though we never get to see each other and we live 10 miles from each other. That needs to change!
Emily... The Man travels 3 WEEKS A MONTH for his work? Uhhh forgive me, but that doesn't seem very realistic in terms of fostering a healthy, trusting relationship- especially not after what you've been through. I mean- The Man could be doing god knows what while he's gone, dating, partying... and you'd never know it. Can you honestly feel okay about investing in a relationship with someone where you have no way to verify their actions while away 3 weeks a month? How can you build something real that nurtures you under those circumstances? Proceed with caution dear Emily. Don't be beguiled by Prince Charming here and forget the wolves in sheep's clothing that prowl the Earth. If something is too good to be true, it usually is.
Anonymous,
NO NO NO - The Man LIVES in Los Angeles and travels to freakin' Utah every other weekend to see me! He's not partying, dating, etc... while there - he is just working, watching his Netflix DVDs and talking on the phone with me. In fact, he'd probably move here for a while if I were up for it. Then the kids and I would re-locate to LA (their dad is planning on moving there)if all goes well. But I am taking things as slow as I can. I need to.
Last boyfriend LIVED here and cheated, lied, partied, dated and faked god knows how many trips - so location doesn't really guarantee honesty and integrity. The Man, I KNOW, has these qualities - regardless of how this relationship plays out.
Thanks for caring about my wellbeing. Who the hell are you, anyway??? Em
...and by that I didn't mean "Who the hell do you think you are?" I meant - for real - "Who are you?"
Heaven forbid I should sound like a bitch. It's not like you came knocking at my door calling me to repentance and demanding to know why I don't take my children to church. Then I do sound like a bitch. They'll learn eventually. Sigh. I feel a blog coming on...
Em
OK, Em. I'll stop questioning The Man. It's just that long distance relationships come with the traditional "red flags" for a reason. You follow your heart and I'll cease my natural skepticism.
Who am I? Someone who loves you very much and that is all I can ever tell you. I just want your happiness.
Anonymous, who isn't interested in improving their sex skills??? Bring it on! Not sure if you are male or female but, FYI, Cosmo's website is full of tips, articles, and fun saucy stuff.
I consider The Man one of my closest friends, and I am here to tell you that he is one of the best guys out there. I would trust him with my life. Proceeding with caution is a very wise thing to do, but so you know, he truly is a great catch, and is head-over-heels for you.
(Not very poetic and as eloquent as you, but just my thoughts)
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