Dating Again

Four and a half months ago I had my heart callously ripped from my chest and eaten for lunch by the person I trusted most on this planet. It was awesome. But, come on, am I remotely alone in this experience? Of course not. We have all been there in one way or another. And many of us have, unfortunately, been there more than once.

So I did the requisite fall apart: not get out of bed; Mom flew in to take care of me and my also broken-hearted children; barely ate; paralyzed by the betrayal and deception and fury - blah, blah, blah. I'd been there before. But, unlike times before I knew it was not where I would stay. I learned long ago that demolition is necessary for rebuilding. And I also knew that I no longer had the ability to stay at rock bottom for very long. I have a freakish, and sometimes bewildering, ability to bounce.

So I stayed down as long as I needed. My heart seized and bled; I got sick; I re-evaluated & re-grouped; took yet another long hard look at my choices and behavior; took responsibility for my part in creating where I was, what had happened, and who I had allowed myself to become over the last nearly 5 years. And then I got the hell up.

And when I did, I realized that something that I had been told several times in my life was absolutely true. My "Man-Picker" was without question, 100%, no longer even showing signs of life broken. So, I did what any healthy, pulling her shit together woman would do. I sent it back to the factory and demanded a new one. It took several weeks for it to arrive and when it did I was skeptical. I mean, how would I know that this one worked and was truly any better than the one that I had been operating my entire life?

I opened the package and felt my heart soar as I read the following instructions:

"Emily Pearson, we at Man-Pickers R Us were thrilled to hear from you. We were indeed aware of the faulty model you had been operating for over twenty years but it is against corporate policy to re-call damaged equipment. It is our job to replace items only after they have been voluntarily returned by the owner. So, may we just say bravo and congratulations on your brand new, fully functioning Man-Picker.

We usually don't get personal with our customers but you have been a case that we have been tracking with, we must say, some amazement. You actually did fairly well in making improvements on your own in some areas of Man-Picking considering how broken your Picker really was. You finally learned on your own that gay men are not for dating or marriage. You learned that drug addicts and men that have audible conversations with Satan about you should be run away from. And congratulations on escaping that polygamist without our help. May we just say, well done.

Due to the levels of exhaustion your broken Man-Picker brought you and, frankly, the horrified entertainment you have brought us over the years, we are sending you this new model free of charge. Plug it in, let it charge for 72 hours and familiarize yourself with it slowly. It may feel strange and unfamiliar at first and you will undoubtedly question the men it picks. Don't. This machine knows what it is doing and has been programmed especially for you. Trust it. Trust yourself. Go slowly, pay attention to the signals it gives you and enjoy the whole new world it will open up for you."

I charged it like they said and sat with it for a while. Then I stuck it in my purse and went on with my life. The first day its sensors went off and the needles went wild was, surprise surprise, at the Hunting Expo. I was completely floored, thoroughly delighted and totally entertained. I found myself wildly attracted to men that, to be honest, I would never have looked twice at before then. Men that don't fit into the "It's supposed to look and feel like this" mold. It was weird. And it was wonderful.

Since then I have become aware of a whole new world of men that have actually been here all along. Who knew??? And they are vastly different from my life long collection of beautiful disasters. They are real and whole and kind and healthy and alive. Some are shorter, some are thinner, some are softer, they are all less flashy and they come bearing gifts. They offer kindness and loyalty and respect. What a concept.

I had my first official post-break up date this past week. And I survived. Not only did I survive but I enjoyed it. He was great. I was comfortable. We had fun. And so it begins...

I know that dating will still be dating and I will have moments of cursing the gods that I have found myself "out there" again. But I have something this time that I have never had before - a shiny, brand spankin' new, straight from the factory, custom made and fully functioning Man-Picker. And that will make all the difference in the world.