Confession To My Mother

I love to swear. I really, really love it.

The earliest memory I have of tasting the sweetness of four letter words as they dripped from my lips was when I was probably five or six years old. I was sitting on the kitchen counter so I could reach the cupboard as I unloaded the dishwasher. Each plastic cup I put in place was accompanied with a "Damn" "Hell" "Shit" "Damn" "Hell" "Shit." I have no recollection of where I first heard these words, no doubt it was my father, but the look of absolute shock and dismay on your face as it poked around the corner taught me right away that those words were powerful.

"Emily, we don't say those words."

"But why?" was all I could think. "They feel so good when I say them."

Three seconds later I was back at it. "Damn" "Hell" "Shit..." No idea what happened after that. I'm sure it involved me being sent to the bathroom to plan for better behavior.

At age 8 when I was baptized and was told all my sins were washed away, I vowed to remain perfect for the rest of my life. But one day while struggling to unlock my bike at Larkey Elementary School, I uttered a frustrated "Damn it" under my breath and my fourth grade heart crumpled with the knowledge that I had just blown it. In one mindless moment I had, once again, become spotted and fallen. A sinner. Oh well.

I also remember the first time I heard you say the word "shit" I just about fell off my chair laughing. You never swore. Ever. But, clearly, it was the only word that fit the moment. The only word that held the power you needed to make your point. And that is why I adore these words - there is nothing else like them. There are many, many situations in life where a gosh, golly, ouch, shoot or even crap just doesn't cut it. Not even close.

And my absolute favorite of them all? Fuck. With all of its variations.

I know, you just melted like a salted snail. And I'm sorry. But it is, hands down, the best naughty word of all. The power it wields, the ice it breaks, the pain and anger it diffuses, the way it feels and sounds, the humor it brings with it. Yes, humor. Nothing makes me giggle quite like Heather Armstrong (dooce.com) referring to herself as a Stay At Home Mom -or- Shit Ass Ho Motherfucker (or my friend who calls herself Speckled Ass Bitch- "F" word not included). Fuck is the granddaddy of them all and I do, I love it. Of course, too often it is used indiscriminately, uncreatively, or far too many times in a given sentence. Even I will agree that this uninventive usage marks the user as uneducated and altogether lacking in class and breeding. It's true.

I know you don't approve. And I know we could go round and round this topic and never change your mind about it. Maybe its generational thing. Or a Mormon thing. Probably both.

I have a friend who relayed the following exchange between her mother and a grandchild. They were making cookies and grandma dropped some flour.

"Darn."

"No, Grandma, say damn."

"Well, I don't like to say those kinds of words."

"Then say 'shit' Grandma."

I'll make you a deal Mom. I promise that I won't say fuck around you if you promise that you will say shit around me at least once in a while. Maybe on my birthday.

Deal?