Happy Holidays Internetland

As this incredibly intense and busy year ends, I am taking a much needed break from blogging and writing. Loving the down time! Hoping you are all filled with peace and joy this season.

I leave you with two of my favorite posts from Christmas's Past...


Best Christmas Letter I Have Ever Received [2008]




This Christmas letter, hands down, wins the prize. I received it from a friend and read it over and over and over. I only wish I had written it!

SEASON'S GREETINGS!!!

It's been another wonderful year for the Jones Family! Mike continues to study hard and is getting a lot of recognition including, this last month, publishing a chapter in a book and being invited for interviews at Yale and University of Maryland. He somehow still has time to exercise and stay in great shape and to be a wonderful dad, taking the kids swimming every week. Last weekend he watched the kids for two days so I could go Christmas Shopping with my best friend.

Hannah loves school and ballet and excels in both! She comes home and teaches Paige everything, so Paige is becoming a great reader and an amazing mathematician! They are inseparable and we constantly get comments about what a pair they are. They also take good care of their brother. Cody is a good natured little boy who lights up the room every time he walks in with his huge beaming smile.

I am excited to be expecting number FOUR! People have a hard time believing I am pregnant and are shocked to learn it is number four. They are always saying that I look more like a pregnant teenager than a mother of four. I don't know if that's a compliment or not!!! The kids keep me busy, but I keep myself sane with audio books. I am always listening to something and finish about two books a month. It has been so educational and enjoyable to read wonderful books like Moby Dick, The Portrait of a Lady, and The Brothers Karamazov.

We hope this letter makes you all feel as jealous and insecure as it makes us feel smug. OK, WHO AM I KIDDING? Here's the truth...

Mike is leading us into our eighth consecutive year of abject poverty. At this point, he is just jumping through whatever hoops his liberal professors want him to so we can get on with it. We are waiting to get rejected by the two schools who actually condescended to "interview" him for indentured servitude, I mean internship.

As for our kids, whom the government has officially labeled "at risk," Hannah comes home from school a moody witch every day. She has Paige in tears within two minutes most days. She is always tired and I have to rip her out of bed every morning and force her to school. Paige cut her hair last night. It looks horrifying. That is after cutting her clothes and Hannah's stocking the previous weeks. She has been spanked so many times her bum is leather. We will have to try some psychotropic drugs. Cody... Who's Cody? Oh yeah--that creature who's always armpit-deep in the toilet. Well, all I can say about him is he's lucky we never vacuum or he'd starve to death.

I had to drag my sorry rear into the Medicaid office and tell them I am pregnant again. Four kids in grad school--my worst nightmare. I am a burden to my family. I have barfed over two hundred times since October and now I am just waiting for a blood clot to form in my varicose veins and travel to my heart and kill me. I don't like to move, so I just yell at my kids from my worn spot on the couch. No wonder Mike never comes home.

Better luck next year.
The Jones Family


Emily Vision [2007]


My mother was here last week. During which visit she sat my kids down to discuss their annual donation to Heifer International – Heifer International being probably the only charity that does quite a lot of good while, at the same time, providing me with bounteous entertainment. I mean how can I, probably the easiest person on the planet to amuse, not be delighted in anything that encourages someone to give a water buffalo as a Christmas gift?

Heifer International is an organization where people can actually purchase livestock that is given to, and dramatically increases the quality of life for, families in third world countries. For example, one can give the gift of a heifer (milk to drink and sell) for $500.00; a goat for $120.00; a hive of bees for $30.00 per hive; a llama for $150.00 (hauling at high altitudes and highly prized wool); or a water buffalo for $250.00 (planting a 1 acre field in 2 days instead of the 2 weeks it takes by hand.)

“I support Heifer International because they are sending the sort of message abroad that I can whole heartedly support. I share their vision of a world without hunger. It is a bold, brilliant vision and it is attainable in our lifetime.” Susan Sarandon

As I was lying face down in my carpet, wallowing in abject overwhelm, I listened to my mom and kids discuss which animal to purchase and I found myself desperately wishing that I, too, could be an official charity. When I was growing up we adopted little Marilza through World Vision and sent her money and letters every month. And later, when I lived in LA, a boyfriend convinced me to adopt a World Vision child with him – which we did until we broke up and he didn’t pay child support. Why couldn’t that be me and my children on a brochure? Why couldn’t people sit around their tables discussing which of many gifts they will be sending our way this holiday season? (Except the donations should probably not consist of livestock because, let’s face it, a hive of bees and a water buffalo would just make my life infinitely harder than it already is.)

Seriously, why can’t I be an official charity? No damn reason I can think of. And so, ladies and gentlemen (drum roll…) I am pleased to announce the establishment of a new charity that will do more good than anyone can imagine…

Emily Vision! (cue: Trumpets)

Emily Vision is an organization whose time has most certainly come. Emily Vision gives the world at large an opportunity that they have been secretly hoping and praying for – a chance to give Emily a leg up and a helping hand. A chance to contribute to Emily’s self sustainability so that she may more effectively work towards creating a world filled with humor and inspiration for all.

Yes, you can be a founding member of Emily Vision merely by donating one of the following:

• $1.00 – one Dove chocolate bar to keep Emily company on a cold winter’s night while she watches the dream of finally getting out of Utah slip further and further away.
• $5.00 – one large pepperoni pizza for Emily’s children to eat while she is huddled in the corner with her chocolate bar.
• $10.00 – ten tickets to the dollar movie. No popcorn. No drink. Just Emily and a taser for every loud person daring to sit anywhere remotely near her.
• $15.00 – frame for photo of Emily and the water buffalo her mother is giving her for Christmas.
• $19.99 – a bottle of wine to really assist Emily in coping with staying in Utah.
• $29.99 – an Office Max toner cartridge so Emily can finally get her own printer up and running again and not have to trudge through the snow, uphill both ways, to employed relatives who actually have ink in their printers.
• $30.00 – subscription to dating service so she can have something besides a chocolate bar to keep her company on cold winter’s nights. (She will also settle for a $4.99 contribution towards a pack of AA batteries.)
• $34.99 – paper so that Emily can actually print out manuscripts, and suicide notes, once she gets ink in her freaking printer.
• $41.00 – stamps for mailings and self-addressed envelopes to make rejection just that much easier for agents and publishers.
• $45.00 – a tank of gas so Emily can continue to drive to auditions, job interviews and be MommyTaxi OR to keep car running while Emily attempts to run over herself after realizing she actually joined a dating service. In Utah.
• $50.00 – portion of electric bill OR a year’s supply of candles once electric service has been discontinued.
• $100.00 - therapy after Emily drinks a bottle of wine and is trampled by her new water buffalo while tasering it for eating her chocolate bar.

Bronze Members (up to $50.00) will have their names put in a velvet envelope that will be placed under Emily's pillow and will be invited to join her in her dreams for 2 weeks.
Silver Members ($50.00 - $100.00) will have their names written in a Magic Marker on Emily's bare tummy.
Gold Members (ridiculously large, anonymous donations) will have the pseudonym of their choice written in a Sharpie pen on Emily's bare tummy AND written on a piece of paper that will be worn in her bra for one month.

“I support Emily Vision because she is sending the sort of message abroad that I can whole heartedly support. I share the vision of an Emily without temp work and paralyzing stress – the vision of Emily being the successful woman she is destined to be instead of a mere bump on a blog. It is a bold, brilliant vision and it is attainable in her lifetime.” David Hasselhoff

Brochures are going to press Monday.

Wonderful Secret Santa

Visit msnbc.com for breaking news, world news, and news about the economy

Friday Video: Shopping Prank

This made me so ridiculously happy... I want these guys to be my next door neighbors / partners in crime and hilarity.

No Ordinary Christmas Gift

I love that Ordinary Mary is still out there making a difference in schools and the lives of kids. It's so funny to have acting students (I still privately teach/coach teenagers once in a while) that find out I wrote that book and tell me that it was their favorite book when they were little. (Yep, feeling older all the time.) Granted, they may just be sucking up but it's still cool that they even know it.

A great Christmas gift for anyone interested. For an autographed copy, with a personal note to the extraordinary child of your choice - encouraging them to be their wonderful, extraordinary self - order through PayPal. Just click the "Add to Cart" button below and leave the name of the child and any other specific instructions in the notes.

Do Not Pass Go, Do Not Collect $200.00

So, unless you live under a rock – which I occasionally do – you have heard all about the alleged Penn State / Jerry Sandusky child molestations. People have been blogging, tweeting, and ranting on Facebook about it. Did he do it? How could he have gotten away with it? Should Joe Paterno have been fired? Did those that knew what was going on do enough to stop it? (Clearly they didn’t or it wouldn’t have gone on as long as it did – involving as many kids as it did.)

I’m kind of waiting for more evidence to come in and for conflicting stories to get ironed out. People do get wrongly accused of things all the time but his pleas of innocence aren’t really that convincing. I don’t know, I wasn’t there, but, as a survivor myself, I will almost always listen to, and believe, the victim of perpetration not the one who did the perpetrating.

Obviously, I am going to have very strong feelings about the sexual abuse of children. It happens, it’s unthinkably despicable and those that do it deserve serious punishments and need serious help.

At this point in the discussion surrounding the Penn State molestations, here is what most disturbs me: People are actually arguing over whether or not the reporting of abuse should be mandatory – whether it should be a legal or just a moral obligation. How can it not be looked at as both?

Morally, it says a lot about both an individual and a society that could witness the abuse of a child and then turn around and question, wonder, hem and haw, hesitate, debate or walk away from immediately stopping the abuse and reporting it to the proper authorities. And by proper authorities, I do not mean a bishop or pastor or school administrator with little to no training. I mean THE POLICE. Sexual abuse is a crime. Rape is a crime. Too often crimes are reported to the wrong parties who don’t believe, downplay and cover up to keep whatever secrets, peace and status quo they feel needs keeping. Every time a victim of abuse is not believed, not listened to and not given the help they so desperately need, they are victimized all over again by the person turning a blind eye and a deaf ear.

We do not exist on an island. We are all affected by what happens to our fellow human beings. When a child is abused, and doesn’t get the help in healing from that abuse, the consequences are dire for our society. Why do you think that there are murders, rapes, crimes, bombings…? Do you think those atrocities happen because the perpetrators were protected and cared for and had childhoods filled with love and warmth and nurturing and hope? No. There are exceptions to that rule. There are those that are born with imbalances and disorders that lie far beyond the help and control of their parents, who act out in horrible ways despite never having been abused. This post isn’t about what causes people to do horrible things.

My point is this – the sexual abuse of children is a crime and it should be both our moral and legal obligation to stop it the moment we are aware of it and report it to the police.

In the name of Kick Ass Heroes everywhere,
Amen

In Time For Christmas

Amazon has been having a hard time keeping Dancing With Crazy in stock. (Not terribly bad news for me.) As of today, they have 3 more in stock. Just a reminder that Dancing With Crazy is always available through it's OFFICIAL WEBSITE.

Several have asked me if they can get personally signed copies for friends and family for Christmas. The answer to that would be: Absolutely-Yes-Siree-Bob. Just go to the website, click on the PayPal button and leave a note with your order who you would like the book(s) signed to.

[For an extra dollar, I'll sign it from anyone you like - Mark Twain, Tinker Bell, Marilyn Monroe, Joan of Arc, Kim Kardashian, Hitler... How impressive would THAT be?)

Praising The Bridge

"Praise the bridge that carried you over." George Colman

So, last week was Thanksgiving - a day when many of us sat around a table with loved ones and expressed aloud things we are most grateful for. Family, friends, health, wealth, survival, love, abundance... All of the things that bring us joy and fill us with gratitude.

Gratitude is such an incredibly powerful feeling. It broadens our horizons and puts things in perspective. We read books about it and fill journals with it - trusting in its power to transform the way we see ourselves and the lives we're living. Countless studies have shown that gratitude boosts our immune systems, lowers blood pressure, increases compassion, helps us feel more energized and alive... The list goes on and on.

But what if, along with all the things that bring us happiness, we could also be grateful for the things that bring, or have brought us, us unhappiness?

Having come out the other side of my own Carnival of Ridiculous Torment alive and in one piece I have learned to be abundantly grateful for the refinement and expansion that Pain has brought me. It is from the things that I thought would kill me that I have learned the most. It is precisely because I have been gutted so many times that I have the capacity and room to feel the boundless joy and love that I now feel. What I have been through has made me who I am - the events that have brought unbearable pain have shaped me and formed me and given me the ability to dance with the stars in a way I never would have been able to had my life just been an easy going trip down sunshine lane.

Not only is this possible to see and feel in hindsight, but as we are going through something difficult as well. It is an incredible thing to be able to recognize the lessons and purpose and expansion that painful events bring while we're experiencing them. It helps us endure them with far less resistance and assists us in getting to the other side far quicker than when we close our eyes, hold our breath and curl up in a ball to curse the heavens until the storm passes.

Bridges carry us from here to there. Sometimes they are a joy to cross, sometimes they are terrifying and difficult. But they always lead us from where we are to where we are going. And, for that, I will always be deeply grateful.